Growing Through Life

Lashing Out Against The Wannabe

2009-12-28T19:06:00.000+08:00

I felt severely disappointed after reading this book. Don't read it! I can't believe that the Sheldon family opted to have Bagshawe write out a wannabe 'sequel' to Sheldon's magnificent tale of Master of The Game! The Jamie McGregor-Kate Blackwell era woven craftily by The Master of Suspense (God bless his soul) has been tainted by this so-called follow-thorugh 'saga' with Lexi, Max, Robbie and Gabe. Fine, fine I want to have a heart and see through the amateur scribble...but come on! It's a desperate attempt- sensing from all that ugly controversey, that gruesome, distasteful choice of concept that will leave you wincing, I'd say she tried too hard to make a twisted tale here! Yes, twisted, that's it! Sidney Sheldon had a lot more heart! I expected more from an actual femme, tsk tsk... And I expected more from the writer as the penholder, having been given a beautiful base to work on. It's a Sheldon tale you're writing over, if you didn't notice! I know, I know...the Kurger-Brent curse worked through the Blackwells like a slow poison and their story is bound to end in tragedy with the eligible heirs. But NOT like this! Not this SICK! This book is almost an insult, a mere exploitation of the Sheldon name. Ugh. Can't expect me to be too kind with this, as I am speaking as a critic... Up yours, Tilly. Try harder.

The Words Unsaid

2009-12-28T18:44:00.000+08:00

I woke up again and again at around four to five this morning from dreams tinted with gray...disappointments of not so long ago. I wish I'm saying this as a metaphor, but it's more than that. When I dream, it's always full of color, but at this rare instance...it's all shaded gray.

I dreamt that I was back in my old school where I had spent four years of my college life. It should not have been so much to think of, except that I kept seeing that person I've been trying to put aside in my thoughts and in my life. It hurt to see him happy and daring me to say something. It seemed so real then...I felt sad as I pretended not to care, walking away from him. But it tore me apart to think how he could be so comfortable with hurting me...breaking me... I gave him no less than the best that I've got, and yet...

When I woke up at around 530 in the morning, mixed thoughts churned through my system...my every nerve initially wanted to scream ENOUGH! and push the black-handled kitchen knife deep into my chambers and up over my carotid arteries to conclude it all. The emotions were raw enough then to drive me that mad... But then as I took the time to breathe and calm myself down in the silence of my room at the break of dawn...I found my senses. I decided to get my Bible and journal, propped these heavy things on my 17 year-old mattress like my weighing heart and got down to writing. In my loose thoughts (and screws), I began to write with my more friendly .3 G-tech...

"Unwell-

Lord, I woke up from a dream of him again. When does it stop? I feel tortured...mentally and emotionally drained with these momentary glimpses of my past that so degrades and hurts me all the more. I know it's all the consequence of disobedience...I am praying for your wisdom and mercy that may get through this alive. There are still times that I want to end this in a shortcut. But I know that's another idea that's apart from your will. So I won't. God, give me strength to withstand the odds. You're mighty and I'm in need of that might. Nahihirapan pa rin ako. I want to forget...but how? I want to trust you to resolve everything..."

After some more intimate and intense God-talks, I paused to read:

(Extracted from Proverbs 1):

(1:7) The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

(1:19) Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it.

This made me really sad-

(1:23-28) If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock you when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me.

Naisip ko lang...maybe 2 factors which contributed to the generation of this dream is that I haven't been keeping my guard up and nourishing myself with the Word. Kulang ang supply, kaya dapat dagdagan. Also, I was disappointed over someone whom I was counting on to reply through text, but then didn't come through...made me feel that perhaps they're all the same and that he's no different. Or maybe he didn't receive my text, was too busy in wooing his woman, or maybe work, or watching that movie...I don't know...*shrug*

Before I knew it, I fell asleep again, just as the sky was turning to a cool shade of blue...

11/29/09

2009-12-17T17:56:00.003+08:00

If letting go of my hold
is your one heart's means
To embrace true happiness
beyond what is,
Then who am I
to deny you the chance?
All the choice is yours-
as my love is- in this dance:

Kindled by a wish to still hold fast,
Empowered by the will to part at last,

...

Still I know I'll let go in the final song
Then in my dreams and tomorrow, you'll be gone, so long...

Run free, my heart, my love, my soul.
Unfurl your being that yearns to be whole,
Endear your reality to the fullness of your bidding,
Lose yourself in aspiration...and if you must...

Lose me.

Over mirthful times and glorious heights,
Veil the love that's meant to let you be...

Everything you want...

...yes, you are free.

Lord, we need to talk...

2009-12-02T03:44:00.003+08:00

(11.30.09)
Lord, I just need to talk with you. See, I have this problem I can't seem to get out of my head. It seems like I'm handling it solo again as before...but I don't want that, knowing I'm really nothing without you. So what do I do? You know more than anyone how my heart's been badly broken this month...and though in reality it's just a month, to me it's like a decade of suffering. I know about bearing the consequences of following my own folly and just getting up past the torture...but you know how this feels like more than I can bear, and I don't know why...even after having said, "I'm over it!" like twice or thrice I think...I never really do. I need you Lord to reveal to me...am I faking it? Do I not draw strength from you? I want to, my only chance to recover is you...I know you have every right to punish me for all that I've done...but even as a God of just anger, you are, as much, a God of mercy and forgiveness. Lord, I have asked for your forgiveness on this matter...I am asking for you forgiveness again if I have hidden faults I have not surrendered. I am sorry Lord...I want to stop hurting day by day...am I pushing you away in the process? Maybe to harden myself...I don't know. So let me know.

Hindi na mababawi- sponge cola

2009-10-25T10:05:00.002+08:00

Ngayo'y aking inuunawang pilit
Mga pagkukulang kong iyong ginigiit
Sana'y malaman mo na tanging ikaw lamang
Ang aking iniintindi

Nakatanim pa sa'king alaala
Pangako mong mananatili ka
Kaya't paglisan mo'y naiwan ang pusong ito
Na ngayo'y bitin na bitin

'Di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako'y iyong pinaasa?

Nasa aking guniguni malamig mong tinig
Kasabay ng hanging na dumarampi
Na para bang ika'y nariyan sa aking paligid
Tahimik na nagmamasid

Nahulog na'ng mga ulap, buwan at araw, mga bituwin
Ang ginugol na panaho'y nasaan?
'Di ba't sayang naman?
Giliw

Ngunit di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako'y iyong pinaasa?

Bakit nga ba ako'y iyong pinaasa?

Torments of the young adult

2009-10-09T22:35:00.007+08:00

I think I'm losing it.

Anyway, I'm just going to keep quiet and read some...

I wish I can just erase my mistakes with a series of burning hoop shots. Or maybe three servings of Jollibee palabok. Or maybe ten dance sessions at the arcades. Or a limitless set of bouts in Tekken 6. Or if I'm going my usual way, I'd be snoring under a book by Philip Yancey again. Hahaha. Hay. *muses*

Have any of you felt that way, na sana you could have done it differently...better...correctly? I'm sure I'm not the first person in history to think this way...hindi na bago ito sa talaan ng kasaysayan ng emosyon...but it just feels terrible when you're in the mess of things.

Figures. Regrets are eating away at my present state and I hate it. It's all my fault- and yes, I'm taking the blame like a man. Yet I'm partly wishing that God would take me so the torments of my past would stop taking over my mind...but then, that's not gonna work now. Hahaha.

Off to bed. Hoping to do voluntary work tomorrow. Hoping to realize that despair isn't the best present option...

Whoever reads this (in blogger or multiply), remember dear friend that however things go, only God can hold you so tightly with a hundred percent willpower and will never let you go. So stay in his hold, stay happy and always remember that you are loved by the best. And I love you too.

Boat rides, water shortage and crowds shouting help

2009-10-08T21:54:00.006+08:00

Yesterday I as looking ahead at a day of volunteering with my friends in Red Cross, National Chapter. Nothing special, just a program somewhere around to help and we're done.

But when I came in at 7 (I was an hour early), I was greeted with a big surprise as I casually asked one of the seniors there, Ma'am Mimi:

"So saan po tayo today?"
"Ah, sa Rizal."

Huwaaat?! Oookay... as I know, so far I haven't been there. But Rizal...I wasn't informed that we were actually going to do an outreach to a flooded area there... that rubber shoes *looked down at my cool white-and-yellow fila rubbers* were not recommended, baby oil is a must-have, and we needed extra clothes and slippers. I only brought my knapsack bag filled with 2 Yancey books (just in case I get bored on a pause), my black G-tech pen (which never came back to me), hanky (as reminded often by Aldrin), and some cash.

And to their estimate, mga 7-9 ang uwi time. Ah, just great- actually I meant that both ways. I felt excited with the experience of real-life volunteering for victims of Ondoy, bringing them hygiene kits...but I was anxious with my mother not knowing. Well, I didn't know until I came in for the job! Sue me then! (But hopefully she wouldn't pry so much...during and after the trip, so...)

We moved out at ten am, came in at around 12 noon. I was surprised with the looks of our way...marami pa ring water doon sa dinaanan namin. Akala ko yun na. Yun pala, tatawid pa pala kami ng Pasig River in order to get to another side of Rizal (sa Napindan) doon sa isang vicinity na hindi pa nabibigyan ng relief goods.

First we were oriented informally by the local officials on what to expect. Sabi lulusong daw kami sa tubig baha, ranging from waist-deep to chest-deep (o di ba ang taray, hehehe). We put on baby oil on our legs to close the pores and protect ourselves from the effects of wading in the water (fungal infections, drying, etc.). We fixed ourselves- binaba lahat ng gamit, no cellphones kasi baka mabasa lang, nagtali ako buhok and then rolled up na ang black 3/4 pants.

May isa nga sa min, si Billy, nagtanggal ng pants- bale boxers lang, para hindi mabasa, hehehe kulit. Natuwa nga ako sa kanya kasi nag-offer siyang magpadamay ng mga cellphones and stuff just in case we really wanted to carry some, kasi siya rin mismo parang gusto magdala for pictures e di might as well dadalhin niya na din yung amin- kaso at the last minute di na rin siya sure, so iwan talaga lahat.

Nagpanic mode ako when I thought of the possible scenario pag nabasa ako. Malalaman ng nanay ko, hay tapos away na naman at badshot na naman sa kanya lalo itong trabaho ko. So I looked for a pair of pants I coudl somehow purchase sa mga stores dun. Sa karinderia nagbebenta ng long pants for kids. May isang xl na panglalaki. Eh tinry ko, desperado eh...kumasya sa kin comfortably as a 3/4 pair of pants, hahahahaha yey, so sugod pa rin ako., I was given the option to choose to go to the other side or not, but of course, I wanted to go help, so it was a doubtless yes.

Shortly dumating yung truck ng RC Rizal Chapter with the relief goods. That was when I slowly got the real picture. We were not there just for health teachings and hygiene awareness. We were participating in a collaborative relief operations for victims of Ondoy.

So pinaglunch kami sa karinderia. I was rather uncomfy eating kasi madumi yung spoon, which I washed sa lababo nila...and yung manok ng kaldereta may dugo pang nag-ooze, yung kanin medyo hilaw pa (minadali kasi), but then still I ate about 3 spoons max (with a passive expression) as a respectful gesture and thanked the resident cook for her hospitable efforts. I drank water from our own stock.

Then time to go work. The first task was to load the relief goods in the boats. Nagrelay mode kami, pila from the truck to the dock and pass goods. Nasa near end ako ng dock. So ayun, pasa ng bigas, damit, canned goods, noodles...yung iba galing ng abscbn sagip-kapamilya. Then at around 2 pinasakay ako sa boat to go to the other side. I was supposed to do health teachings, kaso pagland ko sa other side (on top of a roof, so hindi pala kami lulusong, hehehe yey), I found that the people were falling in line a la wowowee sa gulo at haba. They were very noisy and wanted to get their relief goods. Siyempre ang hirap maglecture.

So hindi na, tumulong na lang ako mag-unload ng bottled mineral water (in gallons, small bottles...), clothes, slippers and biscuits. May crowd control pa sa super gulo...kaso grabe may mga nagccut pa rin ng line na nahuli naman, hahahay. Some checked the locals and gave them numbers to ensure that they really belonged to the place (with signatures pa kasi mahirap na). We were watching the locals who were helping us din, kasi may mga nag-aattempt magnakaw (meron!)... at meron ngang nagbukas ng goods na hindi naman kanila. Hay.

Umambon-ambon, but I prayed to God na wag munang magpaulan, so other than a fine shower or two, oks kami...thank God talaga. 5pm na nung naipamigay lahat. Yung hygiene kits, 105 napamigay...nahiya ako kasi mali pala bilang namin, dapat 100 lang bibigay doon. 3 trips ang plan for all of us to get back sa kabilang side. I rode the last trip...so nalamigan ako at naambunan pa sa ibabaw ng bubungan bago nakabalik. Todo wash ako, alcohol and change of pants before we left the place.

On the way we made a stop at one house owned by a redcrosser, then nagsalu-salo kami sa Andoks litson-manok at bangus na may lamang sibuyas at kamatis. Enjoy naman kaso naparami ako ng coke after the meal so ang sakit ng tiyan ko. Hahaha. Kinabahan na ko dun pa lang kasi 730 na at nasa Rizal pa rin ako. Eh siyempre pano ko naman sila mapapamadali di ba... But then I talked to our driver, Sir Firstestone, who is more than what he seems.

On the way home, dahil nasa front seat ako, I told him that I was feeling anxious kasi dapat ako makarating ng uste ng around 9 para makasabay kay sahia at hindi magalit si mama. Later he offered to drop me sa Espana corner Lacson (much to my surprise). And I was given ample time to rest, change back to my rubber shoes and eat 4 pugo eggs on the sidewalk along McDo before I rode home with my bros. Thank God talaga for that help.

And thus my adventure. Grabeng pagod at consciousness sa germs, but then it was a great adventure. I met new interesting people. Dun naman sa pinuntahan namin, the officers there told us later that the people were so excited and some were crying kasi hindi pa nga daw sila nakakatanggap ng tulong. Walang kuryente rin to this day since Sept 26 pa, and yung water sa December pa daw totally mawawala. Grabe talaga yun. At kulang ang potable water na pinamigay namin...dapat sana per family may 6 gallons man lang. Hindi lahat nakakuha.

Anyway, there'll be more of that for me in the next coming days...

One Great Love

2009-10-06T21:02:00.003+08:00

How could I have existed so long
Going aimlessly
Been there, wasted, gone all wrong
Imprisoned in my plea

My silent plea that hopes in silence
That there's more to life than this
I guess it takes humbling Godly sense
To figure what I miss

Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue

Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend

How could I have been so blind
When the answers have long been there
How could I have refused to mind
Your perfect, utmost care

You guided me through my lifeless years
Waiting patiently
You took my sins, my falls, my tears
All for the love of me

Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue

Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend

Rappin' it ol' style

2009-10-06T10:59:00.005+08:00

I heard this early in third year. Lecrae used to be a lost sheep who realized later on that he's supposed to be rappin' it out for the Lord. Hehehe. I like his songs...and how I loved them to the point that I used one of them (Send Me!) as a background music in a video that I submitted to Sister Vinoya (my nun professor back in UST). Hahahaha.

I dare you to rap this one out. Witty, bold, straight in-your-face lyrics from Lecrae. Hehehe. (Pasensiya na sa mga parts na hindi ko magets, wala rin ako mahanap na perfect lyrics sa net- and I can't fill 'er in kasi nigga accent siya...no racism involved, hindi ko lang tlg maintindihan.^^)

They tell me, "'Crae murk the track, hurt the rap"
Naw dawg, let me pose a question to you
"Have you heard of my Dad?"
Purchased us back, put man's curse on his back
I worship for that, it's my whole purpose in fact
Purple and black, is how we looked I'm certain of that
And man I cry when I think of how the Curtain was cracked
But He rose in three days, that's a pertinent fact
And since He created to save me, I serve him for that
I read His Word all the time so He stay on my mind
Flesh rise all the time so I stay on the grind
When it's time to go to Heaven I don't pray I'm in line
I'm a hundred percent positive I'm waiting for mine
Ain't no ifs, ands, or buts, whos or whats
You walking away from Christ, man you losing touch!
Take away your ? man you doing too much
The world's feet rush into evil, pursuing their lusts

I hope that ya'll listening well, there's only two places to dwell
[Heaven or Hell]
And if you representing the first, I pray you're representing well
[Heaven or Hell]
I hope that ya'll listening well, there's only two places to dwell
[Heaven or Hell]
And if you representing the first, I pray you're representing well
[Heaven or Hell]

Some of ya'll got it twisted
Hell, why risk it?
Life can be fixed through Christ, I'm a witness
And I don't care about 5 mics or a hit list
I'm getting kinda used to gettin' dissed as a Christian
Dawg, let's get one thing straight
Out the gate, I'm the type of dude to put a slab of truth on your plate
And I don't care if ya heard it twice
I ain't trippin' if you just left church- ya heard of Christ!
Let me tell you what was holdin' me
Six hours on the Cross while His Holy Blood flowed for me
What you know about a sacrifice?
When you step off the throne for the same one that snatched your life
Man, let me tell you dawg Christ is real
Without Him you got nothing
You're living off of life's appeals
Make Him Lord in your life
Cause ya'll be in death row talking bout ya kinda like the deal...

I hope that ya'll listening well, there's only two places to dwell
[Heaven or Hell]
And if you representing the first, I pray you're representing well
[Heaven or Hell]
I hope that ya'll listening well, there's only two places to dwell
[Heaven or Hell]
And if you representing the first, I pray you're representing well
[Heaven or Hell]

Hey yo, I might have to bleed for this
I'm not ashamed of Christ
There's Romans 1:16 for this
And I don't care if I'm blinded dawg
Everytime I trip and fall, I just be reminded dawg
And you call yourself grinding dawg?
You can served more birds than churches
But you still dying dawg!
I don't care what city you from
Whether from the suburbs or from the slums
But Christ still gon' come!
And matter of fact, if He come now
You can be a six-eight, heavyweight, but your knees gon' bow
Ain't no telling Him to ease on down
And when the trumpet sound
And *blat* everybody see that ground
I don't care about fame and wealth
Put my God on a shelf?
Naw dawg I'd rather hang myself!
Forgive me if I can't contain myself!
Cause if YOU DIED, and didn't hear the Gospel, than I blame MYSELF!

Holy Spirit, Come

2009-10-06T10:19:00.003+08:00

This is one of the boldest published prayers I have read about in the contemporary world. Hahaha. Whew.

Holy Spirit by Nate Sallie...the signer and song writer. Let me say a bit about the interesting background of the writer- he is equally superb in basketball and music. Many colleges were wooing him with scholarships to have him as a player in their courts, but he also loved music, so as he was nearing his graduation he felt indecisive and could not move.

And then he suffered an injury, breaking both his ankles, which rendered him unfit to play, yet which gave him the chance and drive to focus on his musical abilities. He wrote songs and played the piano. He was easily noticed with his talent. Eventually he also realized that he wasn't mainly for the piano, but for the guitars, and that's where he settled as he started making albums.

Ok, enough of that story...just fascinates me how God can move people in his own way and time...:)

More than just a moment in history
More than just an experience that I seek
Yours is a friendship that lasts forever
And everyday I hear You speak

Mysteries revealed each day
Hidden treasures found in faith
You are the fire sent down from heaven
Until I see You face to face

I will run to you
And your words of truth

Holy Spirit, come
Come and fill me with your love
Move inside of me
Fill the air I breathe
And Holy Spirit come
Fall on me

Conversations run so deep
Spoken promises from the King
And I never want to leave Your presence
You're all that I need

Saturate every move I make
So I'm filled with what I crave
And open my eyes to the pathways ahead
And every step that I take

And I'll run to you
And your words of truth

Holy Spirit, come
Come and fill me with your love
Move inside of me
Fill the air I breathe
And Holy Spirit come
Yeah

Walk with me
Tell me secrets of His majesty
Pour on me visions and dreams
And I want more than just a little bit of everything
I want all you're saying
So I'm praying
Yeah

Holy Spirit, come
Come and fill me with your love
Move inside of me
Fill the air I breathe and
Holy Spirit come
Oh move inside of me
Feel the air I breathe
Holy Spirit come

Fall on me

Amazing love

2009-10-06T10:14:00.002+08:00

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, and I know it’s true
And it’s my joy to honor You In all I do to honor You

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, and I know it’s true
And it’s my joy to honor You In all I do

To honor You
In all I do, to honor You

You are my King You are my King Jesus,
You are my King You are my King

2 face-offs

2009-10-06T09:28:00.004+08:00

I now know what scares me other than being thrown in a place where I know no one.

I went back to my old school to meet my SJ friends. Most of them greeted me with a friendly face. I was rather surpised when one of them- a very close friend of mine- asked for my assistance to help him cook a new recipe which he wanted to learn. Willingly I encouraged him to get on with in as I was ready to help him.

But as I asked for details on when and how I could help him...he suddenly became disinterested and soon left me without a word. I was hoping that he would come to his senses and return, but he didn't. It was as if I rejected him. But no, I really wanted to help him. Hayyy.

Later on...

I was sitting in a very small room where I sat down face-to-face with a person whom I consider dear to me. There was a single bed covered in white sheets on the right and a bathroom door behind him. Behind me was the exit door.

I was about to start talking with him when he suddenly had to excuse himself to go out. And out the door he went. While he was gone, I looked around and stealthily opened his wallet, expecting to see my picture.

My heart sank almost painfully as I found the space for pictures blank. I noticed a pile of pictures under one of the slits and in suspense started to browse them with a hand. I saw pictures of his many friends, but I could not find mine. I was feeling hurt by the moment. I did not understand how he could forget me in such a short time. I wanted to be remembered and cherished.

Just then I accidentally saw what looked like my picture well hidden in the opposite slit, but before I could check closely, my friend returned and I had to hastily rearrange the wallet.

He did not seem to notice anything. I did not bother asking him anything. As I was about to talk to him again, he excused himself to answer a call in front of me. Holding up a piece of paper with purple scribbles of computations and sitting on the floor before me, he told the caller, whom I also knew, "Pare, huwag ka nga magulo, makakasakit ka eh, hahahaha." Something like that. And he ended the call there to face me.

But before we could start discussing things, a girl with ruffled brown hair entered without knocking and went straight to the bathroom, but not before taunting him, "Matulog ka na lang kasi." Hahaha. To which he replied, "Ikaw ang matulog. Hahaha." And then another girl entered, whom I did not notice, but she also made for the bathroom and left as quickly as the first one did.

I looked at my friend, feeling hurt that he seemed to be taking me for granted with all these interruptions on my visit which was supposedly our bonding time together. I wanted to ask him a lot of questions, but the words would not come. I just sat there looking at him as he looked back with a passive expression on his face. I started to realize that I was making efforts to catch my breath as my chest started to hurt.

That's when I woke up, feeling my heart pumping fiercely against my chest. Tachycardia and tachypnea accompanied by substernal pain. I forced myself to breathe and regain full consciousness at once, for fear that I might have a heart attack if the stressful feeling of pain goes on.

Thus the fear of being...taken for granted..? Hehehe. I prayed for ease of physical symptoms and comfort of divine answers before I quickly composed this entry. I guess the Lord is presenting to me the challenge of putting my confidence in him and for my happiness to depend on him and his wonderful character and promises.

Well who wants to be forgotten anyway?^^ Hmmm...I ought to have more faith in the Love that will never leave me. Good morning!

More Beautiful You

2009-10-03T23:46:00.003+08:00

Somehow this song is for me as well as everyone, especially the girls who'll be reading it...

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

I love lebron ^^

2009-10-01T22:55:00.001+08:00

"May Bukas Pa"

hehehe

Blessed be Your Name

2009-10-01T22:54:00.000+08:00

Blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
blessed be Your name

and blessed be Your name
when I'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name

every blesssing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
and when the darkness closes in Lord still i will say:

blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
bleseed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name

and blessed be your name
when the sun's shining down on me
when the world's all as it should be
blessed be your name

and blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name

you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart wil chose to say:
blessed be your name

Cuteness of abi

2009-10-01T22:45:00.003+08:00

I love kids... eto pamangkin ko, si Abi... di ako makakuha ng picture na malinaw na nakaharap siya kasi ang likot eh hahaha.

Nako nako, hahaha batang makulit... ayan gusto ng books, magazines...hmmm parang ako lang ah hehehe. Warms the heart to just watch her. 1 year old na siya. hehehe.

A memoir I will keep forever

2009-10-01T22:04:00.002+08:00

Standing here, in Your presence

Thinking of the good things You have done

Waiting here, patiently

Just to hear Your still small voice again

Holy, righteous, faithful to the end

Savior, healer, redeemer and friend

I will worship You for who You are

I will worship You for who You are Jesus

My soul secure, Your promise sure

Your love endures always

My soul secure, Your promise sure

Your love endures always

My soul secure, Your promise sure

Your love endures always

Somnolent detachment

2009-10-01T21:15:00.005+08:00

(I'm guilty of this...hehehe)

I flip through a book in the afternoon
The soft yellow rays shining in my room
I stretch like a lazy cat on my bed
Knowing past my reading what I'd be doing instead

Line after line, my eyes move in time
With the hum of the fan, playing like a rhyme
While processing the book content, feeling rested
My wakeful guard slips away, spinning my head

I fight the yearning of my eyelids feeling heavy
Urging them to read on despite losing quickly
Line after line and page after page
Blurs into nothing in my clouded cage

I flip through more slowly, my consciousness ebbing
Struggling through the hum of a lullaby fading
Losing clear sight of the faint yellow lighting
And in one final moment, losing grip and falling

Willfully giving in to my somnolent need
The defensive comforts of reality's deed
Making my escapade from the realm of grims
Surrendering into the loving snare of timeless dreams

...

When God tells me to wait

2009-10-01T20:50:00.003+08:00

I hate waiting. It's part of my impatient nature. I am a person who is constantly on the go, wanting to fast-forward things, sometimes forgetting to enjoy the moment while concerning myself with moving forward.

But God is the boss of this cosmic show. And as the one who knows best around here, I ought to let him call the shots and take my cues from him. This is where the conflict comes in. My nature struggles against the restraint of steady faith and sure trust in the one whom we are always sure of.

One of my worst nightmares in this little lifetime is being domestic...stuck in a rut of tending the home, doing chores, washing dishes and delighting myself on a pile of laundry that never seems to disappear. Rest would include cooking, siesta and watching noontime shows and tear-jerker never-ending soaps. Well I can live alone and maintain my house, as long as I don't have to do solely those things. I want to be working outside the house too. Being stuck in a domestic routine burns me out more than any repetitive activity. Which is why I think I'm going to be a terrible mother. Hahaha.

Unfortunately in my condition now, especially with my career, God is telling me to put brakes on my impatience and wait on him.

What?! In denial, I haggle with him...though I know how futile this is... I'm 22, postgrad, a lot of life and opportunity ahead of me, licensed RN, lots of energy to spend on caring for patients and getting the much-awaited real-life action outside these walls...come on...when do you want me to begin, at thirty??!

But no. God wants me to wait.

I ask why...I told him I'll be waiting for his answer.

And I still don't get why I'm waiting.

After going round and round with rationalizing the incomprehensible, I just go back to the same (and only) clear reply I have for now: Trust God.

Grrr. Grrr. Venting my frustrations over unwashed dishes and the thawing batch of chicken wings that I'll have to cook for dinner, I fume over how I hate black holes in reasoning. But then fine, what other logical choice do I have but to wait on the Lord? I sense in such case how I am like a toddler, thrashing rebelliously on the lap of a parent who sees things better and saying NO and WAIT.

So fine, I will. Aaaa. This better be worth it, Lord.

...

Ah, what am I saying...this IS certainly worth it.

Wishful thinking

2009-09-18T22:58:00.004+08:00

I wish I knew what it took for me...

To make you stay smiling with me through the rain.

Secret Song

2009-09-18T22:53:00.001+08:00

*OK, ok, last na ito from FM Static- for now. Yahaha.

I met you at the club that night,
Around was spinning records,
And my heart said,
Hey now, Hey now, Hey now,
Hey now yaaaow

You said you were pleased to meet me,
Through the sweet smell of your perfume,
And blew me,
Away now, Away now, Away now,
Away now yaaaow

Later on that week we went out,
Talked under the stars until the next,
Day now, Day now, Day now,
Day now yaaaow

you drank your fruitopia,
And we never ran out of things to,
Say now, Say now, Say now,
Say now yaaow

Any minute im not with you,
I hope ill see you soon,
Theres just something that happens,
When you walk into the room

And instantly i feel so complete,
It hits me right about the time you kiss my cheek,
And you give me this feeling,
Its like no other feeling,
But it knocks me off my feet

Please dont ask me what i like about you,
Cause its every little thing you do,
And thats just the way you make me feel

And I dont think,
That there are any others out there like you,
And I wont blink cause that would mean,
I would miss a second beside you

And maybe you know what i mean,
Or maybe this is just a dream,
I pinch myself just to make sure,
But im still here and there you are,
I wonder why we just met now,
It just kind of happened somehow,
But here we are together and,
Thats all that matters in the end

You can never ask for too much,
Cause id travel the world just to feel your touch,
Thats just the way you make me feel

How Can I Keep From Singing

2009-09-18T22:48:00.002+08:00

By Chris Tomlin. Talks about how in the midst of struggles and suffering, we are still compelled to sing praises and stand firm because we have the Lord who means more than the life that we have now.

Nako Lord, I love you so much! Thank you for having mercy on me.

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

Nice Piece of Art

2009-09-18T22:12:00.002+08:00

**OK, it's official. I am hooked. Hahaha. I am slowly figuring that FM Static is probably a Christian band specializing in Godly love songs.

I've tried not to let anyone in until now
I guess conversations never allow
and I've been feeling like I'm on some sort of merry-go-round
And I know, I know, yeah I know, I know

And I've tried not to let anyone in until now
It took time for me to figure it out
and when I feel like I'm complacent with my
head in the clouds
I know, I know, yeah I know, I know

and every time I wonder what's real you make me feel...

You make me feel like a lavender sweater
when I'm caught in bad weather,
In my Volkswagen Jetta
You make me feel like a complete work of art
when I'm just falling apart
A really nice piece of art

Dear God,
I hope you hear me

And I've tried not to let anyone in until now
Misunderstandings are an easy way out
And I've been feeling all this pressure just to figure it out
And I know, don't know, yeah I know, don't know

And I know that if I just stay strong I can make it
and try harder when I just can't take it
And when everything around me feels so broken and jaded

I know, I know, yeah I know, I know
and every time I wonder what's real you make me feel...

You make me feel like a lavender sweater
When I'm caught in bad weather
In my Volkswagen Jetta
You make me feel like a complete work of art
when I'm just falling apart
A really nice piece of art

It's kinda warped, but it's picking up slowly
I don't know, but I can if you'll show me
I guess sometimes it takes more than just fake conversations
to feel like I know that
It's kinda hard when I'm planning for something
to get across this hole without jumping
I guess sometimes it takes more than just false information
to find out who we are

Definitely Maybe

2009-09-18T22:08:00.002+08:00

*Super hilarious. Tsktsktsk.

I met a girl named Taylor
And she lived in the heart of America
She liked black caddies
Listened to Puff Daddy
Danced until her legs were sore

She worked around the corner
At a diner with a grouchy owner
And her boyfriend's shady, he dates another girl named Katie
He loves her definitely maybe

Don't think I can take it
Wake me when it's over
She lives So far away
I wish that it was closer
I see you every day
I'm too scared to go over
I wonder what she'd say
I barely even know her

And how much longer
Will this keep getting stronger
I wonder what she's doing when I'm singing myself to sleep
Cause he's a faker
So see ya later
I wonder when you'll realize that she means a lot more to me

I saw you in the hallway when my last class was just over
It was Friday, school was out tonight
Everything seems to be all right
I said,"Yo, are you going to the party at The Cove?"
She said,"He's picking me up six again
An' I don't wanna disappoint my boyfriend."

And she's staring at his picture hanging in her locker
She's telling all the girls about all the things that he bought her
I saw what really happened all those times he went for water
When we were at the movie theater watching Harry Potter
He had his hands on
Every single girl he laid his eyes on
Hate to break it to you, he's a pile on
And even when he kissed her
He was looking over, staring at her sister

Moment of Truth

2009-09-18T21:59:00.002+08:00

*Another wow hit by fm static. I'm feeling an addiction coming on...

Here we are, in the best years of our lives.
With no way of knowing, when the
whee'll stop spinning cause we don't
know where we're going...
and here we are, on the best day of our lives.
And it's a go, lets make it last, so cheers you
all to that, 'cause this moment's never comin' back

I used to know her brother, but I never
knew I loved her, 'till the day she laid her
eyes on me. Now I'm jumpin' up and down,
she's the only one around, and she means
every little thing to me

I've got your picture in my wallet, and your
Phone number to call it, and I miss you more,
Whenever I think about you,. I've got
your mixed tape in my Walkman, been so
long since we've been talkin' and in a few
more days, we'll both hook up, forever and ever

And here I am, on the west coast of
America and I've been tryin' to think for weeks of
all the ways to ask you, And now
I've brought you to the place, Where I've
poured my heart out, a million times, for a million
reasons, To offer it to you

I used to know her brother, but I never
knew I loved her, 'till the day she laid her
eyes on me. Now I'm jumpin' up and down,
she's the only one around, and she means
every little thing to me