Repairing my relations with God. I'm such a bad kid. But I am going to cling to God's grace and change daily... better and better. If I stumble, gonna dust off and just go forward still... Lord, strengthen me to keep going despite my imperfections. I know I can because I know you ARE. I love you so much and nothing, not even y intellectual foolishness, can keep us apart.
Still wondering where I'm headed for. But I am being taught to trust God and be patient... it's times like these that I easily fall to sin, having nothing to do but wait on God's perfect timing. I'm not gonna make my own disasters anymore...hopefully. Oh Lord, I shall patiently wait.
Thinking about my heart...did I overcook it in the fires of fear and resentment? I hope not. I feel that my heart may have turned into stone at some points... that I fear letting people too close now... that I merely show a portion of myself and not really a big part to most people... I wonder if I'm already doing that as a result... being too protective of myself, paranoid, too defensive... wag naman sana, as it can cease my relational growth with other people who might just need me as much for the same reason...
Drawing a lot. Artline 200 fine 0.4 dancing over oslo sketch pad does wonders.
Met with two friends today and ate breakfast over at mcdo. First time to eat egg mcmuffin...not bad... but here's what I think... listening is indeed a tougher skill to master compared to talking... I do have a high regard for people who really, really can... on a side note, super turn on ang pagiging magaling na two-way communicator sa isang lalake.
Flamingo-frost pink toenails... nice.:)
The Second Canvass (part 2)
I never want to sink too low under the quicksand. Never again.
This second canvass offers a lot more than the pleasure of a second chance to start over. It requires a lot of responsibility and care on my part. Also, it begs for tender care...not that I'm being negatively rough- I have to watch myself and be more cautious in every action I take in relation to this second chance. I ought to take it slow, take care of every stroke, take care that I don't mess up again. Ah, so much pressure! But I shall learn to live with it.
But the way, I slept only at around 4 a while ago, thanks to my dog and also with the graduation speech I fashioned in about two hours.
And this just in yesternight: I am glad I didn't have to totally give up painting this portait. I am still fallen on my knees, overwhelmed by this blessing... Lord, be with me as always. I don't want to get too crazy about it and thus forget you, the source of my every happiness, the one who truly holds me and sustains me in all that I aim to do and to be.
This second canvass offers a lot more than the pleasure of a second chance to start over. It requires a lot of responsibility and care on my part. Also, it begs for tender care...not that I'm being negatively rough- I have to watch myself and be more cautious in every action I take in relation to this second chance. I ought to take it slow, take care of every stroke, take care that I don't mess up again. Ah, so much pressure! But I shall learn to live with it.
But the way, I slept only at around 4 a while ago, thanks to my dog and also with the graduation speech I fashioned in about two hours.
And this just in yesternight: I am glad I didn't have to totally give up painting this portait. I am still fallen on my knees, overwhelmed by this blessing... Lord, be with me as always. I don't want to get too crazy about it and thus forget you, the source of my every happiness, the one who truly holds me and sustains me in all that I aim to do and to be.
The Second Canvass
I am simply happy that I am given a second chance to start over again: A second slate to fill in more precisely and beautifully. Not everyone gets a good second chance.
God knows I laid my last canvass to waste. While taking less time filling it up with careless brush strokes, I ruined it.
It disappointed me. It pained me immensely to part with my beautiful canvass, now of less value than before it was painted on.
I had to leave it in a room, hidden under a black shroud of forgottenness.
But now... my second chance is here. I will not disappoint. I will not ruin us again. Trust in God to make it all beautiful for us again. I will bless you with my life song. You will sing majestically of Him.
What can we scrape together...
Handfuls of hate and the bittersweet ambivalence...
'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?
How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
...You could die a thousand ways
And I'd still love you back to life
...I am lost to the longing
I am moulded by the memory
Had shut down half my mind
Just to steal the space you left behind
...'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?
How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
...I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
(~Mean Sleep, by Lenny Kravitz and Cree Summer)
God knows I laid my last canvass to waste. While taking less time filling it up with careless brush strokes, I ruined it.
It disappointed me. It pained me immensely to part with my beautiful canvass, now of less value than before it was painted on.
I had to leave it in a room, hidden under a black shroud of forgottenness.
But now... my second chance is here. I will not disappoint. I will not ruin us again. Trust in God to make it all beautiful for us again. I will bless you with my life song. You will sing majestically of Him.
What can we scrape together...
Handfuls of hate and the bittersweet ambivalence...
'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?
How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
...You could die a thousand ways
And I'd still love you back to life
...I am lost to the longing
I am moulded by the memory
Had shut down half my mind
Just to steal the space you left behind
...'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?
How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
...I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
(~Mean Sleep, by Lenny Kravitz and Cree Summer)
Run to you
I am back under the shade where I run to You when I feel tied down by life. Lord, I am not perfect, but I know more and more that I will always run back to you... The world is chaos and not for the faint-hearted, so here I am, again drawing strength from your love that easily and endlessly overwhelms me. I don't want to lose you. Thank you for being there for me and for forgiving my trespasses. I am nothing, truly nothing without you.
As you already know, today I have reached this point of deep sorrow... the journey to this feeling was gradual. I did not see it coming to my door. I have wandered a bit far away from your arms again, that's why. Maybe the disappointments brought about by various circumstances and people made me sad. I still have a tendency to be too idealistic, I must admit. And my weakness is that I cannot easily hide my emotions, and it all shows on my face before I know it. That is why most people figure it out before I say anything, if ever I care to say anything to them.
I am lost. Fill me up with joy, Lord. I am getting bored and listless again, I guess.
Last night, as I was walking home under a crescent moon, I thought of how I felt alien to this world... and I realized that maybe, just maybe, that awareness is good. It must mean I am on my way to becoming more of you.
I love you! Thanks for your time... You are indeed the love of my life.
As you already know, today I have reached this point of deep sorrow... the journey to this feeling was gradual. I did not see it coming to my door. I have wandered a bit far away from your arms again, that's why. Maybe the disappointments brought about by various circumstances and people made me sad. I still have a tendency to be too idealistic, I must admit. And my weakness is that I cannot easily hide my emotions, and it all shows on my face before I know it. That is why most people figure it out before I say anything, if ever I care to say anything to them.
I am lost. Fill me up with joy, Lord. I am getting bored and listless again, I guess.
Last night, as I was walking home under a crescent moon, I thought of how I felt alien to this world... and I realized that maybe, just maybe, that awareness is good. It must mean I am on my way to becoming more of you.
I love you! Thanks for your time... You are indeed the love of my life.
Rechecking my perspective
I feel hurt because I miss you. I wish I could turn back time and change the course of things.
I should have done the right thing, the kind thing- that is, being a little less too kind to you. I should not have given my heart to you.
I hate it. I wish I cannot remember but I do. It does not burn through me like way back, but I don't enjoy the torments of our past.
There never was an 'us' in this story, but there was me who loved you so much. I think it is a waste of time, energy and emotions.
I am close to resurfacing the ocean of sadness. I will have fully outgrown you then.
I hope you are okay. I hope that you are in God's grace. I love you, that is why I let you go.
Now it's time for me to get back to reality and go on with my life. I will put you away in my mind like a box of toys in an adolescent's room.
I should have done the right thing, the kind thing- that is, being a little less too kind to you. I should not have given my heart to you.
I hate it. I wish I cannot remember but I do. It does not burn through me like way back, but I don't enjoy the torments of our past.
There never was an 'us' in this story, but there was me who loved you so much. I think it is a waste of time, energy and emotions.
I am close to resurfacing the ocean of sadness. I will have fully outgrown you then.
I hope you are okay. I hope that you are in God's grace. I love you, that is why I let you go.
Now it's time for me to get back to reality and go on with my life. I will put you away in my mind like a box of toys in an adolescent's room.
Disappointed. Devastated. Frustrated.
I am very disappointed.
I ask you to pave me a clean way to get to church as you will. No lies, no my-will-be-done's. But it seems like with all these obstacles you allow before me, I'm not meant to do that for the meantime. Initially I told you that it's okay to shrug it off for now, and just keep the relationship okay, but I realized... nah, I'm really disappointed. The rejection is so hard to keep behind a smile.
Devastated? Yes, I pity myself for not being able to express my faith freely, go to church. My mother told me a few hours after how I'm an uneducated, stupid person with the cockroach's brain.. I think I did something wrong in the kitchen, didn't smash anything or ruined a recipe... but she just had to bust me like that at such an appropriate time. Lord, that is so timely. Haha. It's not my fault I'm not going to church on Sunday. Pave the way... well I may have to stop asking for that.
Or maybe going to church is a matter of deserving it. I don't know. I sing of how you're so merciful and you allow everyone to come to you fair and square, but where's fair in this game I'm in? I'm so confused with why I can't legally come to church without sparking a potential WWIII in my household. Whenever such disappointments come my way, I am tempted to just let you go and go my ignorant way, but you know me well... you know what my heart yearns for... I want you, and you only to rule me and just change me all the way. So why can't I have it without these pains?
Why do I feel like you're hiding your face from me?
Show yourself!
Let me know this is something real... I know you're there and you feel with me individually... you care, you love me... more than anyone I've ever known in my life. You've disciplined me the hardest, you've accepted me at my worst, you've found me at my weakest... now do you feel my pain? I just yearn to know what to do, because I am very very confused. You mean so much to me and I just need you to tell me something.
I ask you to pave me a clean way to get to church as you will. No lies, no my-will-be-done's. But it seems like with all these obstacles you allow before me, I'm not meant to do that for the meantime. Initially I told you that it's okay to shrug it off for now, and just keep the relationship okay, but I realized... nah, I'm really disappointed. The rejection is so hard to keep behind a smile.
Devastated? Yes, I pity myself for not being able to express my faith freely, go to church. My mother told me a few hours after how I'm an uneducated, stupid person with the cockroach's brain.. I think I did something wrong in the kitchen, didn't smash anything or ruined a recipe... but she just had to bust me like that at such an appropriate time. Lord, that is so timely. Haha. It's not my fault I'm not going to church on Sunday. Pave the way... well I may have to stop asking for that.
Or maybe going to church is a matter of deserving it. I don't know. I sing of how you're so merciful and you allow everyone to come to you fair and square, but where's fair in this game I'm in? I'm so confused with why I can't legally come to church without sparking a potential WWIII in my household. Whenever such disappointments come my way, I am tempted to just let you go and go my ignorant way, but you know me well... you know what my heart yearns for... I want you, and you only to rule me and just change me all the way. So why can't I have it without these pains?
Why do I feel like you're hiding your face from me?
Show yourself!
Let me know this is something real... I know you're there and you feel with me individually... you care, you love me... more than anyone I've ever known in my life. You've disciplined me the hardest, you've accepted me at my worst, you've found me at my weakest... now do you feel my pain? I just yearn to know what to do, because I am very very confused. You mean so much to me and I just need you to tell me something.
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