The Penis as a License to Avoid House Chores

Yes, you read right.

*blows a psycholocial red whistle* Now, for those of you who can't take fowl language (I meant that glitch), feminism, full-blown Your-Peachness ranting and the like (you got that right), better stay by these gates and click the back button for your mental well-being (which I strongly suggest you maintain).

Ah, still here...I figured only a few would be so sensible as to follow my suggestion (duh, where's sanity these days anyway?).

But it's your call. We all have choices. Hmph. Let's see where this goes...I haven't done this in a long long while. But I'm breaking my silence.

This is what I call the exposure of The Dirty Peach. (It can mean two ways.)

I'm ranting. Real bad. And this can get as ugly as it can. (Coming from me, believe me that's something.)

This has been a long-standing argument between two sides of my brain (yeah, I still got it, though I occasionally lose it!). I just don't get it with the traditional and local household in general (I have to add this, as a safety net in case someone comes firing at me later). What is it with guys not doing chores and girls having to do them all the time?! (Now, I'm speaking by experience and I warned you that this is gonna get bad!) What is it with guys not needing to learn how to do the laundry, sweep the floor, wash dishes, cook, mop...when the girls need to learn how to do them all right?! What is it with me always taking the responsibility to see that all's well and tidy in the house just because it's me who's held liable for any unwashed plate or any missed poop of Lebron (yes, I'm the cleanup girl who makes sure there's none lying on the floor)? What's there with guys that house rulers find it ok to overlook any chore they don't do (that means all!!!) and take it all out on me when I miss a few?

Ah, yeah...somehow I've thought that maybe it's in the birth order.. But there's four of us. And sometime I thought that maybe it's in the favoritism order. Well yeah, I know I'm not the most likeable kid in this whole wide world, much less this family, but again, there's four of us and I am singled out. Why am I singled out? Hmmm...and the question comes...

What do they have that I don't have?

Ah, yes...the unfortunate woe of Peach returns (teachnically it was never away...kinda trying to push the idea back in my head but it surfaces when this kind of dilemma comes to me). I know it's something I have to accept but there are times I just can't help but this of the million what ifs.

What if by nature I had a penis?

Yeah, laugh laugh...like my good friend Jonreph always does when I rant on my silly childhood wish of wanting to become a guy (yes, you read it right!). Gusto kong maging lalaki. Yeah, even I find it funny, but not the underlying reason that follows it. I just think that maybe if I become a guy I'd do better in most things. I'd be physically stronger (whatever with the 'weaker sex'), I won't need to be told to fix my hair (yeah, it's sticking out in all directions, so what), sit properly (grr), dress to impress (I don't even sweat to impress, baby) or act prim (I am NOT!). If I were born with MALE typed in on my birth certificate, I won't be prevented from learning how to drive (yes, they said I can't coz I'm a girl), get my license (it follows), go commuting as necessary (I'm 20 and I'm still banned, come on), go out with my friends at night or several times in a month (it's always limited to once in a blue moon- my friends will testify!), be linked to my guy friends (this is when troubles come), and of course- perhaps I wouldn't be told off as much when I say no to sweeping the floor, washing dishes, doing the laundry...those...spiteful chores! Arrrgghhh!!!

Yes, this is me talking. Sometimes, with all the male dominance overwhelming me, I wish I had a penis- the proof of manhood. With these discriminations, I see it as a license I can just flash on anyone (if I had it) and I get my better way of things (not being an exhibitionist, haha, no- but that's how I see it with my case). Kung pwede lang sana, eh di hindi na ko nasasabihan ng, 'kasi babae ka,' everytime I'd ask why I'm not entitled to certain rights related to those I've mentioned. That way I would perhaps enjoy more freedom and get the most out of my gender. Grrr male dominance! Grrr women who allow this to prevail! Grrr those males who can't do chores right and depend on women to do it all for them! Grrr those housewives who marry to be lifetime slaves to men who make such a scheme to maintain lifelong house help!

Aaaaaaarrgghhh!!! Screw you all bastards! I can do better than most of you! Even if I'm one organ short of it!

They say life's a bitch. I say it can be a bastard to me.

And don't ever tell me I didn't warn you (I DID!). XO

*OK, stop. Now, this is all a crammed knapsack of emotions I've earned just a few hours ago while washing all the dishes in the sink. Thankfully this isn't as bad as kanina if I had actually written my ranting as is.*

Believe me, I'm no feminist. I used to be one, but since I found out the proper arragement of things, I quit. I'm just feeling bad about being treated as the minor sex. Frankly, women are the weaker sex- but only physically, in general. Even before I ranted away I already knew the answers to my questions. I already know that it just isn't right to live with discontentment such as me, wanting to be a guy somehow because I think I'd do better with it.

Kasi may purpose si God bakit ako female. I can go on and on about my bizzarre ideas on 'I should be a guy' or 'the world would be better with...', but bottom line is, God is in control of everything no matter what. I should know- and accept the fact that I cannot change these natural instances which has long been planned for me. He's supposed to be Boss of my life, our lives, and any decision should go with His blueprint so that it'd go right.

By doing this rant, I know I'm kicking down a cadaver. I'm forever ranting to God how much I'd be better off being like my bros- becoming one of the boys. But does it ever change who I am? Well, no. But yeah, I am worse when I feel angry and refuse the believe in the reality that all these limitations, restrictions which I have as an influence of my current gender (yes, reality check)...it's all got purpose. There must be something behind it all that God is allowing them to go kahit unfair pa.

Somehow I got a nagging feeling that he just lets it be so that I'd grow in obedience and absolute trust in Him (I fight to do so). I still find it difficult to accept things I don't understand (like why I do chores, why I'm into nursing, why my father's one-armed, why I'm not flat-chested- yeah, I sometimes find myself wishing that!)...yes, perhaps...I'm in the process of learning that there are things I can never completely understand.

Well, isn't that the real essence of faith? 'Believing without seeing...' such is the meaning of faith. Kasi nga naman, kung ang lahat ng tanong may sagot...kung posibleng maunawaan ng tao ang lahat ng bagay dito sa mundo...then what's the point of having faith in the all-knowing God we know we can trust to eternity?

So fine...I'll accept growing up. After all, I'm such a bad ranter that God can simply dispel it all with, "Relax. Last time I checked, I'm still in control."

Hahahaha. Learn from my mistakes- my growing through life. Good pm.

Here's the other. Lovyah CT. :)

The Greater Love

I have a problem, a minor one
A dilemma I’ve been purging but won’t stay gone
A secret long buried, which now I sing
With solution’s last note as a form of blessing:

I committed the fault of all faults in friendship
I fell hard for my dearest past the fancying trip
I tried so hard to put it away
But it’s there in my face, no regard for delay

My crowd pushes me to go for the kill
But I see no good reason to indulge in such thrill
The world declares, ‘If you love her, tell.’
But I’ve seen the bigger plan and picture too well

To know where I stand in this emotional treason
To reap not in this season when love’s out of season

In self-gratification there is no beauty
As is with confessing, it isn’t for free
There is much to lose and spend, mind you
If commitment’s the game and the thing to do

I love you so much, no doubt about that
But if I love you much more I’d keep it at that

Keep it pure
Make it sure
Keep it clear
As your loyal peer

For spilling can only bring so little
The effects unseen, the reactions subtle
In the aftersilence, you’re sure to crack
A line drawn between and no turning back

Come see it this way- she’ll say it’s good
But deep down she just doesn’t want to be rude
Oh she’ll be fine, she’ll insist it’s ok
She’ll maintain her poise and laugh it away
But be warned what lies beneath that front
An ugly truth you’ll never want:

She has moved within- the great big shift
Hearts broken apart- the sudden rift
Precious friendship- like a perfect glass window
Once cracked with such doubts won’t last tomorrow

Yes it hurts so much, this emotional war
But I won’t last as long if she’s to nurse that scar

My crowd pushes me to go for the kill
But I see no good reason to indulge in such thrill
The world declares, ‘If you love her, tell.’
But I’ve seen the bigger plan and picture too well

To know where I stand in this emotional treason
To reap not in this season when love’s out of season

In self-gratification there is no beauty
As is with confessing, it isn’t for free
There is much to lose and spend, mind you
If commitment’s the game and the thing to do

I love you so much, no doubt about that
But if I love you much more I’d keep it at that
…if I loved you much more I’d keep it at that.

Here's the request. hahaha

Fragile

I realize how fragile love can be
It changes as the mood swings of a typical she
Like a perfect crystal glass, now pretty to see,
May shatter any second beyond inefficacy

That no matter how much caring effort you offer
To such a delicate treasure you can’t even assure
You are always prone at some point to grieve
It can make or break you as long as you live

To poor souls such as mine caught in this anathema
It is a same old story that starts with love’s enigma
Once it catches you crazy and you start to trip
You strive to give your all just to tighten your grip-
Of reality…

And yet you know you’ll slip
Because inside you desire so fervently to flip

And flip you do as you will your heart
To believe such euphoria from which you can’t part
You think of forever, constant and true
Such a reckless leap of faith too eager to brew

Oh, how you give your all just to simply find
That it was all worthless being numb and blind
Blind to jealousy that she so easily stirs
Numb to the pain as she ignores your tears

And how sad it feels to realize
Despite your growing anger as your patience flies
You yearn to stay and hope for the best
You hastily forgive and let your emotions rest

But we experts by experience don’t need to surmise
That such leniency is a selfish, clever compromise
Of your ridiculous ardor battling fiercely as a knight
Against your good sense and reason’s light

For you know she can never hurt you enough
Enough to leave her for good in the rough
And before you know it, you are marked for life
Scarred and ruined deeply by your own passion’s strife

And yet by some miracle, as you rise from your ashes
As a phoenix does, though more careful- nonetheless
You return to the battlefield as casually as a stroll
Weary still, broken still, but then…after all…

Love is a lifelong emotional fever
You still feel the symptoms long after it’s over
Love is a hunger, an unquenchable thirst
The craving lingers more persistently past your first
Like a perfect crystal glass, now pretty to see,
May shatter any second beyond inefficacy

As I go through life now less of you
I wish I had this smarts, this much of a clue

The Comeback Kid...

I'm almost going to bed wih a weight of burden in my heart. Somehow I am nervous. Because tomorrow I'm going back to my old school life, resume my ADLs...I can't let my profs celebrate the loss of a major headache just yet, heheh.

So I'll be back tomorrow. After 1 celebration week and 1 academic week (18 hours of duty to make up for)...I'm finally giving in to the call of work work work. Too bad, I was starting to get used to the vacation hype...aw well...

I can't say I'm thrilled about tomorrow. I feel the burden. The darker side of me emerging like a second persona? Hmm...yeah, again, I feel it inviting me to go back and...who knows...

But in my deepest moments of despair a few people must have felt it...and cared to make themselves known to me. Alam niyo na kung sino kayo. Kung hindi man, I'll be thanking you personally so you'll be aware of the blessing you've given me.

I want to thank God and thank these people for somehow reaching out...though probably unknowingly...but still, the effect of their actions gave me hope for tonight...to anticipate the light that may perhaps shine tomorrow...

I have to try and sleep. And be energized and pretty for my comeback tomorrow.

As I had told bequa and pau kanina, I already miss my sj friends...mga walanghiyang bata...hahahahaha.

*************************

Btw, HERSCHEL- sorry ka na lang, hihiramin ko muna ang honey Des mo...next time na yung awesome threesome natin, I'll plan it out. :) Thanks for the sched...love yah very very much, and I miss you with a passion, hahahaha. :*

*************************

Pain management

My 5 stitches were removed. Yey. Hehehe. Though there's still serosanguinous draining from the corner of the wound. Ouch.

Diet: Full. I can eat anything I want now. But after this ep, I plan to cut oily foods from my meal plan and add more h20. So let's see how this is gonna be.

Status: I can walk now with my back straight up. But not without getting tired more easily than the norm. Sometimes my wound still hurts. And I cannot strain or carry heavy stuff for 6 months.

To lessen the eps of pain I have to avoid:

laughing out loud (so shut up, bern!!!! :P)
sneezing all the way
coughing
crowds
chocolates (makes the throne session harder, which can cause strains, hahahaha)
beef (same reason)
jumps

I have to promote:

fiber-rich diet
water
splinting (you know, assisting the painful area with a hand when walking, etc)
studying my notes ahead (so I don't need to bring my really big books)
brisk walking (promote proper but not too much blood circulation on the area)
apple juice and lapu-lapu (promote wound healing)

So far I'm just resting. My doc said I can go for the easier shifts but since I still can't move around normally and I still get easily exhausted, I plan to postpone my comeback on the hospital scene...so the OR duty has to wait.

But no hard work or weights for 3-6 months?! How do I dancemania?
Grr. hahahaha.

I should be seriously concerned with my priorities.
Wahahaha.
Of course I'm kidding.

Gnyt Y'all. I love my friends...

Incident Report

It's only been a week or two since I last dropped my bombshell here about the fun we had...my sj friends whom I share brotherhood with. And since I know how fast news breaks out (like the plague, I think) within our numbers this will just be the firsthand story from me. I had been thinking of writing something here since I came home, but my blues keep me from doing so. It suddenly felt so foreign to me to sit in front of the PC, to press keys, and I had a hard time at first since the key pressing seemed to hurt me on my stitches...

Ah, speaking of stitches, yes I went under the knife of Dr. Peterson Lu in Chinese General Hospital on the night of Nov. 8, 2007- a day which was supposed to be my Bern friend's 20th birthday, but due to my personal pain, I...

2 Days Prior To Admission...

My YM stat read 53h no sleep. Skipping meals not uncommon. I was working hastily on my vid editing, literally abusing myself in an effort to be done with the film for the nursing week's film fest, which I took part in. I even recalled telling my aunt, "Ngayon ko lang inabuso nang ganito ang katawan ko." True, coz before this I always made it a point to sleep and eat enough before pushing myself to work nonstop.

1 day PTA-

The pain crept in. Wednesday was supposed to be a school day for me, as well as the agreed passing day of the film. Instead of my expected cheery recharge, I woke up with a crampy abdominal pain radiating to my left with an 8/10 grading, intermittent. I thought it must be my stress reaction kicking in, so I shrugged other possible causes and suffered there on my bed all morning in silence. I was hoping it's disappear so I can dress up and get ready for a first class.

Two hours before my lecture class at 1, I finally told my mother I didn't want to come to class. She left me. By the time she was off the pain had dulled. I was partially relieved and went on to do my finishing touches with the film.

My dad was in the house, which surprised me. He told me to get dressed and eat somewhere with him. I readily agreed, thinking that maybe the dull pain was already...hunger pains? We ate at a small cafeteria nearby, and despite my nursie conscience I dared myself to dinuguan. We had a brief bonding time. At the end of the meal I felt the pain growing intense again, like a flame licking eagerly against a high firewall.

But I told my papi, "Gusto ko po ng Kitkat." Actually I was craving for it, so we went hunting (I was already limping) in the market and finally got two. On the way we picked up supplies, as well as a lot of things he thought I'd need for school or for my toilet (every step was more agonzing than the one before it). This was when I sensed that somehow he might be up to something, or he's guilty of something so he's consenting to all my wishes then...I tested it! But that's not the point here, so anyway...

The Asian Kangaroo-

Of course there's no such specie, but I kind of turned into this as soon as I got home. After hobbling down and back upstairs to serve water to my father I instantly got into my brother's room and turned on the airconditioning unit. I just gave in to the bed and slept it off...but I woke up later, feeling the pain worseing at each moment. I was already screaming and jumping...I jumped and realized how it alleviated the pain temporarily, so that's what I did for a while.

I made like a kangaroo and jumped all over the house...my aunt thought I was losing it.

The Psychological Test-

In my desperation,I remembered that discussion I had with Jo and an episode of house wherein, to distract himself from his severe leg pain, House visciously slammed a black medicine pestle over his hand, which afforded relief while the new pain source lasted. They say it's possible because prostaglandins (which are responsible for the feeling of pain) find a new focus other than the original.

With half of what's left of my wits I took a hold of the black wireless phone and hammered my left hand twice. It actually worked, but by the time I was done screaming and holding my wrist, the pain on my abdomen was back.

So much for prostaglandin confusion...boo sadism. Haha.

The (B)Witch(ed) Doctor-

In times like this I thought I had to rely on my knowledge. Other than poring over my books (while lying down with a grimace) I had to narrow down the list of what could have caused this. With my eyelids half-closed in pain I could almost see House and his team, "Differential diagnosis, people."

I initially thought it was food poisoning. But when I checked the sighs and symptoms I threw the idea, since I wasn't vomiting anything. I checked heartburn. Hyperacidity. Indigestion. None of them could fit into my condition perfectly as a group.

I suddenly felt scared: ovarian cyst?

No way. But I already fit the at-risk age group...

Doing my kangaroo trend to the fridge, I braved the unknown and inspected the contents of the medicine box...found a good white pill (of course I read it), and discreetly took it, hoping to reestablish normal bowel functioning in an hour or two.

Night Terrors-

I was worse that ever when my mother came home. I intentionally did not try to contact her, since I didn't want to cause unnecessary trouble or go to a doctor for nothing. So she was surprised to see me moaning there on the sofa with the TV on. After a sermon and offering me a new white pill (it was different from my choice) she sent me to bed. I was writhing in pain and did not get sleep at all.

I kept waking up, but I dreamed I was put on quarantine inside an oriental palace high atop the mountain. My mother summoned 3000 identical-looking geishas to find out what's wrong with me. They were all replicas of me, except that they wore elaborate geisha robes...parang ung sa TV, si Hwang Jini ata un. They all tried to cure me. And just when I thought the last of them worked well for me, I woke up feeling all painful again.

The Lovers Carry-

I dressed in my slowest way (masakit nga) as my mtoher wanted me to go see a doc. She said it might be appedicitis. I thought then it was unlikely. Why? I dunno. Just thought it was not me who's gonna have it.

We went to Dr. Lao Lam Sun in St. Luke's at around noon. Since ma and he were really good friends (20+ yrs and counting), we managed to have him to ourselves at lunch break. After exmaining me on his table he already speculated that it was either appedicitis or maybe an ovarian problem. He arranged for bloodwork and urinalysis. And he slipped in an admission order just in case.

The walk back to the car was just...anyway in spite of my pain I was surprised when ma stood in front of me and offered me her back. Lovers carry? I declined (she can't possibly) and let my arms fall over her shoulders instead.

In the car the pain suddenly became instense, as in super super sakit, more than ever. I was crying by the time we went to the lab. My ma, realizing I had to be confined, decided not to go with the lab routine and took me to the ER with her admission order from Dr. Lao.

Making A Scene-

I needed a wheelchair when I arrived in front of the ER. They put me on the bed and started to work. That was an hour past my visit to the MD. I shouted at them all when they tried to assist me in changing positions, since it hurt a lot and everywhere.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!!!" I kept telling them.

Shane and Ma was laughing at me as I told them off. I even kept interrogating them at every procedure they wanted to do to me. Some clearly had no idea of what they were doing, which made me all the more angry. Later when I was asked for my urine sample I was surprised.

I could not produce any.

I was given an ultrasound, which went bad since they could no longer see how it was in there...wala kasing laman ung bladder. At 'gassy' daw according to one of the docs in there.

I was shivering too. I didn't even care when someone took a blood sample (the needle!). That was how gone I was.

I was febrile (had fever). But no one gave me anything except seven hours later when they gave me paracetamol- per IVP (injected straight into my vein, people) just shortly before they rolled me into the OR. The careless guy nurse did it so fast it stung my arm badly that had it not been for the pain I would have kicked him down really bad (when he attended to me two days later I reprimanded him as a paying customer should).

Inquisition Inside the OR-

Sabihin na natin na talagang the worst- most difficult- patients are healthcare workers themselves. Which almost includes me, since I'm a nursing student.

Inside the OR (as in with the lights) while the adults were busy doing the prepping (yung scrub, anesthesize, discuss, drape, arrange the team, blah), I turned to them and greeted them casually as a host would. That was when I first saw Dr. Lu, my surgeon. He introduced himself, though already masked since it was the proper thing to do. I even shook hands with him (while on the operating table ha, ganoon). Sabihin mo nang pa-epal, pero with the rights of the patient (and the difficulty of a nursie stud)I joined the briefing, slightly taking the team aback:

Me: Hello. Good evening po.
Assist: Hello, Anniline.
Me: An pong gagawin?
Anesthesiologist: First we're going to do a spinal- epidural anesthesia...just don't move.
Me: Huh? OK. Masakit daw po yan. Anyway, just tell me what to do.

*Instructions given, shot done with minimal pain, thank God for good hands*
Me: Ayan na, nararamdaman ko na po.
*Assist ties my wrists down on the table extentions a la crucifixion.* *Anesthesiologist tests me for sensation by pinching.*
Me: (removes her pinching) OK na po, basta tumatalab na po.

*Felt the wiping of my abdomen*
Me: Ummm...ma'am?
Anesthesiologist: Yes?
Me: May I sleep first before you cut?
Anesthesiologist: Yes, of course.
*They were taking a keen interest on the mapping on my abdomen.*
Me: Can you tell them?
Anesthesiologist: Yes.

*The curtain was being placed.*
Me: Ma'am, may I watch how it's done?
Anesthesiologist: No. You can't watch.

Operation took about 4 and a half hours, mga 8 something nagstart. About 1 am I was awake, trying to move my elephantine legs. And if it wasn't bad enough there was this guy in the PACU (recovery room) who made one wrong move. When I was ready for transfer back to my room, he put a stretcher beside me.

Me: So appendicitis nga siya?
Staff: Oo, sabi sa chart. O, babalik na kita sa room mo. Baka mabigla ka.
Me: Wha-
*Carried me on my neck and waist- my WAIST!!!*

I screamed a short mortal scream loud enough to make two patient's head turn to me. And to think under anesthesia sila...

Later, in my room-
Me: You're mean. I hate you.
Staff: Hindi, nabigla ka lang.
Me: Nabigla- o wag mo kong hahawakan!
*He called two staff nurses to carry me properly down to my bed. Pwede naman kasi di ba?*

OK, that's it. The recovery phase is more of a weird experience if you ask me. But before I close this very long entry I want to say thanks to all those who visited me- you are such blessings talaga. To those who texted, salamat rin. :)

Potluck, taboo, card games and a movie that has GAY written all over it

11-2-03, another gathering day for the high school friends. Although we were late on starting it (12 dapat kaso mga 130 na kami nakarating) it was worth the day pa rin naman.

Una, nag-grocery kami ni J as planned. Sa totoo lang although I was just distracting him with my stories I really felt hiya over the fact that he had to wait for two hours before I showed up. I had to wait for my ma and bros who were also using the car. Ayun. Buti nga nag-dota si J at hindi natanga the whole time I wasn't around yet. At! Buti nagsend siya ng load...para natext ko siya. All the while kasi nakapatay ung cell ko and I was doing a gift art from 8-1030. Didn't realize the time until I was done with my art. Grr. Buti na lang mapagpasensiya si J sa kin. I always think of him as someone with high tolerance. Dunno kung saan pa siya ganun but I certainly appreciate the fact na napapairal niya iyon with me.

Ok, so with an annoying trike driver, nakarating kami sa bldg ni Tif n Therese for the first time. On my count, eight out of the expected ten showed up for the meet- ako, si Jrep, Bechan, Andrew, Pau, Os, and of course Tif n Therese. It's been a while since I've seen them (I last saw Tif n Therese on my 20th bday celeb on April 27 this year; I last saw Andrew...yun ang mas matagal that I can't recall anymore!).

Anyway, before I entered the living room I made sure I cooked my soup- chicken sopas. I dunno if the people liked it, but I was very pleased with the result of my first time actual- I never tried doing this alone kasi. But there, I did it, and it certainly tasted like good chicken sopas to me so yey to that. :)

Mommy's chicken was good. I never got to taste the spaghetti though. The pastry with sugary thing in it...wasn't really my type- goes to show how I'm not so fond of pastries talaga. I didn't try the cake because I was too afraid to take a bite. Salad was wow. Ayun lang naman. Hmmm...

We watched Chuck and Larry while eating. I already watched this movie- it's a gay gay hilarious movie that freaked me out the first time I saw it. Pero fun naman, laugh trip- especially it held value for me since it's the first movie I watched on the big screen with J. Weird for a first time viewing though, hahahahaha.

Later after the movie Tif invited us to play Taboo- parang charades na mas mahirap kasi words lang and there are even words which one can't use...grrr. Nakakafrustrate but I liked it. We grouped- balls up there vs balls down there- aka girls vs boys. Nyahahahahaha.

Historically may running joke nga yun when tif and hershey played that. The word to guess was conversation. As the one who knew it Tif said, "We're having..?" Hershey was quick to reply the three-letter word. Hahahaha. Nice going. (Teka, nasaan na nga pala at kumusta na ang lokang iyon? I haven't heard from him since...yah, forgot na the last time. Hmmm...)

Kahapon there was this silly guessing I had to protest to during the game. The word to guess was sleepwalking. Tif described it as, "Ginagawa ito sa dilim." And I tilted my head in question. She kept insiting that. So I brewed up something in my head and laughed like crazy when she pushed na it was done at night, in the dark. Bakit, we can sleepwalk in the light at any part of the day di ba? Hahahaha. Basta! Grrr...

After a round I went to Bern, who was having a mood swing coming. She was hugging Tif's brown bear when I came in. Nag-usap lang kami, heart-to-heart? Hmm...and she updated me on the ongoings of her life. I am very happy that she and Ahia Andrew are ok. Their relationship is getting better. Tapos ayun, badtrip bigla ba naman ankong kiniliti. Grrr...hahahaha. Masaya naman akong she felt better after our talk. Duh I wouldn't feel so glad kung may nakaseparate na isa when it's supposed to be our party.

Nag-uno cards kami. It was already an old game sa kin, pero when I played it super natatawa na lang ako kasi ako daw ung mean na nagpapanalo ng mga tao. Bakit ba...mali hula ko eh, grr.We didn't even finish a game dahil sa dami ng players. Ang tagal natapos. By the time we had our second winner after Pau, which is Os (na ako nga daw nagpapanalo), quit na kmi and we moved on to the next anticipated card game which I have never played- poker.

I never really tried to learn poker with my bros and my fam since I thought it was hard to learn. Ayun, so basic points to ponder naman ang coach na si Rep. Ayos naman ang first round since I got my first victory, wahahaha. Beginner's luck (or flop)? Hehehe. It was fun. :) Then I won a whole round, with all the chips belonging to me. :P Yey Peachie! :P

Ang bilis talaga ng araw when it's fun. Nagulat ako nung gabi na pala...hahaha. Nagpusoy dos pa ung mga ppl, yoko na sumali nun kasi sa totoo lang nadrain ako, got tired of the laughing. And nahilo dahil nga sa glasses ko, which I do not habitually wear unless it's necessary at the time. Ay, I challenged J to a pushing game...ang lakas pala niya, guess I underestimated his muscle power (or was it glygcolysis? hahahaha). Nah, he's malakas pala. And grrr, I lost coz I'm a girl? Grrr to that reality.

We had dinner after all the gulo. Si Pau nga nagpa-extend pa ng stay, which was rather touching kasi he had to put his thesis on hold pa just so he can come for the gathering. Si J nagstay pa out of decision (and to think I was even taunting at him), just in case I needed company pauwi. Kaso sinundo na ko ni ma, so I apologized to him na lang (na-gulity ako, fine, hahaha). I thanked Tif n Therese for such a welcome in their home, as usual. I'm very happy for them in their new house, mas convenient kasi itong new home nila. :)

On the way home kinumusta ni mama yung gathering, which was a fresh thing to me like her questions and consent to my attending it. I readily gave her a hasty recap of the whole indoor fun. Sabi ba naman niya, 'sana nagpangasinan na kay today.' Hahahaha.

And then we talked about planning a road trip to Pangasinan and Baguio on December. She suggested going to Pangasinan and seeing the beacfh for a whole day and then spending the night sa Baguio para she'll leave us and go to her father's house there para may pupuntahan din siya. Hmmm...if ever nga tuloy ito, I can't wait.:)

I tried asking her kung pdi punta EK, ayaw talaga. Hahahaha. Aww. At inggit talaga ako sa mga nandoon ngayon as I write this. I wanna go there with my friends! Invite niyo ko!!! T.T Hahahaha.

Kagabi pala when I got home I also had a chance to talk with Jrep. Naglaro kami ng NHB (no-holds-barred)...laughtrip q and a. Something tells me I should play this with my other friends, yeah! Kaso it requires a lot of guts. And trust. Hmm.

I was rather frustrated when he asked me what I hated about him. It took me a while to figure out. Ewan. At least I have an answer (it'd be just weird and un-peachie of me kung wala). BTW, I wish I could have heard it when he first referred to me as 'peach' coz he never really calls me that. Hahahaha. Sabi niya it sounds wrong daw, so he's still sticking to my name when he addresses me. Anni, Anniline, Peach, Peachie...same diff, endearments are good however they sound.:)

OK, I have to cook breakfast...lunch...no, brunch pala siya. Hotdogs...burgers...but I seem to have lost my appetite after yesterday. Hmm...but I still have to cook for my ma, who's been telling me to stop blogging since the 12th paragraph...hahahahaha.

third year jitters

Glad that I finished my required physical exam just this tuesday with a 'physically fit' remark on my health record. I was rather jittery about the chest x-ray but it came out clear, anterior and posterior view. Yey.

I haven't enrolled though. Somehow my registration form won't print when my bro, in his brotherly love for me, attempted to enroll me without my knowledge. The person at the counter said I 'need advising.' Either it was a technical glitch or someone decided to stop me from getting into the next hurdle. I texted my kind adviser and asked if there was anything said about me during the last deliberation. She answered negative. I looked at the list of students who need to see the dean. My name was not there.

So now I have to wait for the 5th before I can check and get my answers as to why I can't enroll. I got the cash. I got my grades. What's wrong with me?

Somehow I felt inadequate when I got the news. But with the encouragement of my mentor and friend, Ma'am Ditas, I deflected it.

Funny I should be rattled by this. I think I should just learn to be patient and to have faith in God however things look. I had to sing out, "Trust, trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding...in all, all of your ways, acknowledge him...he'll make your paths straight..." just to put me back on my right thinking.

Giving more credit to my mother:

I feel that I have always lived in fear of my mother. Well we should respect our parents but I sure have a great fear of her, kahit na dumating na yung time na nagiging friends na kami. Recently I was given a clearer view of my mother's ways of showing her love and concern for me, which I somehow missed through the years. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention. It's a tough love between us, but I saw how much she'd give just to make sure I'm fine.

Ayun.

Quotes

Healthy people are invalids who don't know it. ~Jules Romains, Dr. Knock, 1923

I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains. ~Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

Mens sana in corpore sano. (Your prayer must be for a sound mind in a sound body. ~Juvenal

Name me no names for my disease,
With uninforming breath;
I tell you I am none of these,
But homesick unto death.
~Witter Bynner, "The Patient to the Doctors"

My soul is full of whispered song;
My blindness is my sight;
The shadows that I feared so long
Are all alive with light.~Alice Cary, Dying Hymn

Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love. ~Jareb Teague

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

She went her unremembering way,She went and left in meThe pang of all the partings gone,And partings yet to be.~Francis Thompson

As the presence of those we love is as a double life, so absence, in its anxious longing and sense of vacancy, is as a foretaste of death. ~Anna Brownell Jameson

Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven. ~Tryon Edwards

Nursing is an art: and if it is to be made an art, it requires an exclusive devotion as hard a preparation, as any painter's or sculptor's work; for what is the having to do with dead canvas or dead marble, compared with having to do with the living body, the temple of God's spirit? It is one of the Fine Arts: I had almost said, the finest of Fine Arts. ~Florence Nightingale

A morning-after issue...

*slap on forehead and gasp*

I can't believe I posted something like that!!!! NOT RIGHT!!! It's one of my deep issues!!! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Aw well...explain ko. Nung isang gabi I was up, very late, dawn na nga eh. Groggy na ko but I still wanted to write, so bale loose tongue na ko nun.

I wrote two entries before rolling off to Peachie's dreamland. One of which...is this: (might as well reveal it here, tutal nahubaran na ko niyan...)

http://anniline.multiply.com/journal/item/4/Confusing_darkness

And I feel suckish. (Passive na nga kasi now ko lang narealize uli after reviewing it.) This issue is one of those things I avoid talking about kasi feeling ko ang babaw (though sa kin malalim). Especially with my classmates in college who make me feel this way.

Ah, I feel so bad..! Silly peach..! *Hits head with keyboard*

But then again...maybe ok na rin yun. People have said I trust too easily and that I make myself to vulnerable, but the thing is...I keep secrets pa pala. Though honestly, most of those secrets I keep, unconscious, kasi nasanay lang ako sigurong, I have it there, so let it be...

Ah, what a pain-in-my-@$$ mystery...even I don't know myself that well...

Woozy after a dawn websurfin'

I woke up with the sun shining down on me from the window...nice, if you ask me. But I feel woozy.

Hurt

Do my eyes betray me as I speak?

Is there a clue you fail to seek

In the way you make me feel?

Oh, you made it seem all real

You could have just shown more mercy

You could have just snapped and killed me

But the worst is here with me

You got me good...I cannot flee

You already made me believe

That this love would never leave

And now, after all the curtains drop

How do you make it stop?

When already I am down and helpless, feeling absurd

When already I am defenseless and deeply hurt

I wish I can snap from sense and kill you

If not for the fact that I'm afraid to lose you

My current addiction

Look familiar? Aw yeah. Love it. Love him.

Sweet nothings

I am rather enjoying my first...no, make that second day (since it's 1:52 am already) of my sem break. Although of course, as it is normal in my passivity to ignore the fact of 'you-can-relax-now' while it stares at me in the face...I am still experiencing the jitters of 'I-have-work-to-do'.

Ah. Well. Hard to break a habit once it gets to you. Meanwhile I have an radiograph and some physical handling to expect this monday, plus a movie to direct in time with the college's annual film fest. And yeah, there's that thorn of a 16-hour babe-bathin', cord-cuttin', suction-me-fast-you-idiot duty happening on Oct 30 and 31. Great timing, considering that all of us in my Ma's side of the clan are supposed to be up in Baguio then for another get-together wherin we hope to have a full attendance for the first time. Aw yeah. Just great.

Yes, I am being ironic. Bitter. Whatever. Maybe I'm even sounding like Dr. House. Speaking of which, his passionate indifference makes me want to be an RN MD all the more. How sentimental, making it big in the exploitation of sick people, ah life. Hahaha.

Ay...I know I should sleep. My cells are going against me. They all want me down. I say shut up. But of course, they can't. And I don't want them to, of course. While I'm alive, of course. And awake, so most of them can't rest. And writing this blog entry down to remind me of stuff and add more words to this heartnotes collection. How sad. My bro thinks it's pathetic. I say it's therapeutic. But I may be wrong. Must be an act of self-pleasuring, which can't be wrong on my side of the bed, but can be wrong on the other. And a million places like the ward. Who knows...

And since this is my first entry since I had decided to get my hands dirty with what normal people call 'work,' I might as well blab in my personal space and in the process do a recap. And a short one.

Lots have changed. Most of the changes occured in me. I'm not getting any younger. I wish my heart was. As it should strive to be.

There. Recap over. And successfully short. Now before my laugh trip tomorrow with my fellas in moa, let me just take a journey called 'sleep.' And perhaps I can hope for a good stay at REM stage while I'm at it...

It's all about priority setting

Pau's text made me somehow yearn for the days to move quickly...

But wait- I still have exams...

Apparently the pressures of third year nursing is getting to me.

In the midst of my silence

"So Lord...what's next? Solace isn't so much fun. I'm on the verge of a burnout...if not for You who gives me strength...and makes my feet the feet of a deer..."

Somehow I find myself typing something in here at this time of the night. It is around one am alreadySunday...September 30? Time flies too fast for me now...yeah, I'm feeling the pressure of being a third year nursing student...toxicity level 100. And for a lazy person like me that's way beyond something I'd call a feat. Hahahaha.

Manifestations of A. Teng, SN in toxic mode:

• No sleep for about 28 hours straight
• Infection of the eye (it's a sty!!! my first sty!!! feels like someone bruised me on my right eye!!!)
• URI development, with secretions (I think it's a cough coming on...wag naman, sinisipon na nga ako eh)
• No dinner the night before, no bfast, no lunch...then dinner, I ate my fill...
• Snobbing Jrep's YM message (it's not the abstinence thing- was really too engrossed with my tasks...and somehow, I fell asleep due to stress...)
• I have two big school bags daily (so big and heavy that even my co-nursing guys call my bags "bato")
• My locker is full from top to bottom
• No time to blog (aaaaaaa)
• Dark shades under my eyes (thank God I don't have eye bags...)
• Disorganized room
• Piling laundry
• Forgetting to take a bath at night and just dozing off as soon as I reach my bed- six times last week!!!
• Crying twice this week
• Pigging out after class
• Eating sisig thrice in a row this week
• Answering back to my ma (my goodness, after a long long long long time na yun, my goodness tlg...I know Lord, it's me)

The moment of moments in the ward:

Kanina I just had my taste of the most toxic duty ever sa female surgery ward, sa clinical division. I have three patients, which is talagang weird na (before this week, the most is 2 lang). Kanina si team leader dinagdagan ako ng isa pa (which makes it four na) just near my bed plus a second year shadow (yeah, that's what they call them...observer, take the vital signs) to "help" me out.

Naturally ayos naman ako with her coming in. I thought I could let her do lots of stuff to add to her green book (talaan ng experience na ipapakita pag mag-aaply na ng trabaho as part of credentials, hehehe). But then since second year nga at nataon na toxic pala patients ko, hala tayo...she was trying her best pero hindi pa tlg ganoon kasanay. I had two stable patients and two patients who had a per hour (the norm and stable regulation is every four hours) monitoring of urine output and intake of fluids, plus of course, vital signs (BP, temp, PR, RR). Siymepre I had to do it for them, kaya nga pasyente ko sila.

Plus, added stressor tlg yung mga bedside relative na kadami naman, as in helloooo this is not a reunion, we have other patients who need the space, get a move on, six hours na kayo nghehello, come on...(wahahaha at this point recklessly rude ako, nyehehehe pero siyempre somehow I get naman na miss namin si 'bunso' so visit namin, ganoon...) And talagang ang hirap gumalaw with them all over the patient (oxygenation, comfort, lessened di ba...) and they keep throwing me questions kahit di naman sila ang husband or someone close tlg. I was giving the teaching to the conscious patient and a sibling, ok na yun, di na ko kailangang maglecture sa buong angkan, hahahaha kumusta naman...ano ito, classroom setting? Yeahehehehe.

As a result, kahit na I had the satisfaction of having control over my duty (which is a first as well) dahil nga wla yung clinical instructor namin (si Sir Valdez ang sub), natagalan ako, and I had to be waited upon by my groupies. Nakakahiya nga eh, pero on the other hand, I don't mind the energy drain (na dinaan ko sa favorite lomi ko sa lacson with KR and Jace) kasi nakita kong na-establish ko na yung tiwala nung mga primary patients ko sa kin, that they trust me to teach them the right pointers regarding their conditions. And I can see through their nonverbal cues that they approved of what I have done for them at the end of the shift. So bakit naman ako manghihinayang sa oras?

Di ba...being a blessing to them...that's enough for me because it is a way for me to honor God.

Chika galore:

I don't know if I should be saying this, pero I am unusually drawn closer to some of my groupmates these critical days. Puro case presentation, patient care record, tests, paperworks...*syncope* (try looking for this word in the net if you're not familiar with the term, hehehe).

Maybe I should open my heart a little more than I think I have...to know them better.

***

Hmm...yawnyawn...lam niyo sa totoo lang this is just like 20% of the stories I have so far about my life right now. Majority lang itong stress probs ko. I should know when to stop and rest. And of course, time with the Lord...dapat hindi macocompromise...

I miss my friends. I miss being lazy. I miss getting rested. I miss my pc gaming time. I miss laughing at my boredom. I miss halohalo. I miss...

OK, I have to sign off...my eyelids are closing (yung isa maliit na tlg due to the sty infection, grr). Wahahaha.

Lovyah all...

To Be Better

There is always that chance to be better. And since the reminder of blessing of inspirations around me, I cannot help but reassess whom I'm really putting all the effort for.

Honestly, since first year, I have been relaxing. I wanted to be lax, to avoid the pressures unless I felt like entertaining them at the time. But then now that it seems like such reckless habit of mine won't get me through third year that easy, I begin to think...do I still want to become a nurse?

Frankly I don't know again. Obviously writing is my forever love, given na yun. But then, if God allowed me to stay here in this course in this college instead of allowing me to pursue writing now, then it must have a purpose. After all, everything, though not always having a reason for being, has a purpose. Hindi ko pa rin magets bakit ako narito...pero I am sure that it will please God, so I guess all I can do is raise my arms and say, 'Bring it on!'

In short, I realize I should reinvent my style of attacking my tasks for the ward setup, the classroom setting...if I'm still into this queer love affair. Dapat nang magsipag ang would-be nurse in me...hehehehe. Go Peachie...ah yeah. :)

Kasi ganito yun eh, writing is my true love, and on the side I have nursing as my mistress...how's that for comparison, hahahaha. Oh yeah...don't worry, I'm only applying that to things, not people.

Hahahahay. What to say...

At dahil wala naman akong ibang magawa and I'm experiencing Annistasis here (anni and stais, got that, bwahahaha) eto I'm just gonna write about yesterday...

Bonding, bonding, foodtrips-

Kahapon nagkita rin kami ni Ian and had the chance to catch up on his shifting experience (go go go Ian! My notes are yours!). And then I spent time with my girl friends eating domino's pizza, which I think was not as good as pizza hut or yellow cab.

After that nagbonding kami ni Jords before ko siya hinatid sa lrt station...how I realize that I had not been spending enough time with this very good friend of mine, so from today I tod her I'd try to spend more time with her na nga. College life is just short, and I want to make the most of it, specifically, with her, di ba...

Nagkita rin pala uli kami ni Jrep. Eat ako KFC (garlic chicken steak) and Jollibee pastillas sundae (I recommend it) with him out of a whim. And since I really wanted to talk with him (kaya ko nga siya tinawag), ayun usap naman about plans and stuff. Nice nga eh, kaso I had to let him off home kasi I had to see my bro na and I had to go home na.

Abstinence and the like-

I have a feeling that I will not be able to see him (or any one of my friends, for that matter) for a very long while. Siguro dahil sa work (my abstinence resolution, remember, peachie?). Or siguro dahil na rin kasi balak kong maglie-low after my misadventure/adventure last saturday, mall of asia with Pau and Bern and Jrep. (It was no doubt a perfect night out, but imagine, I got home at 11:40 due to unforeseen circumstances (and my overeagerness to maximize my time out with two of my dearest friends, Bern and Pau, heehee, plainly my fault).

Obviously my mother was very jittery (and furious?) with that, according to my aunt. Hindi man niya ako sinermonan (still this appears to me as an unsolved mystery), well I am very much afraid of what might happen now if I try to ask permission from her to go out again anytime soon.

Ay, nako...my script is undone. The story's done, but not the actual material. Nakakahiya naman kay Ice at dun sa pinakiusapan niya kung hindi ko ippass...

Teka, sabi pala nila bukas may mga schools na nagsuspend ng classes. Hmm...I was planning on passing the script pa naman tromorrow. And helping out as a volunteer subject for the thesis of fourth year students...

Teka, teka, I want to sing. Happy birthday to...

Tiffany.

(How are you?!)

Teka, sige para nice na rin, kay-

Sha.

Alwin.

(Two great chums of mine...)

Yey. Happy birthday mga friends...I miss y'all. At di ko rin kasi matext kasi at the time la ako load...huhuhu. Aw well. Nasaan na ba si mama?

...may balak pa kaya silang sunduin ako? (it's 7:35 on my watch...huhuhu...)

Like, DAH (Des, Anni, Hersch)

Today I had a vacant time from 10:30 am to 1 pm, so I decided to come along with the triple date with Des and Hersch, two of my dearest friends from sj. Hay. Eh alam niyo naman ako, excited ako sa mga ganitong long-time-no-see meets, so imagine my hyperventilation when we finally met for lunch...

The meeting proper-

Mga 11:20 pa ata lumabas si Hersch ng building niya (as predicted by Des na medyo last siya lalabas)...and after 10 minutes delightful chika with Zsa who happened to be hanging around there sa car park, pumunta kami sa P. Noval para kumain ng lunch. Kahit mainit ang araw (ssssssssss) sige lang, nagpayong pa ang lokang Hersch, hahaha...nakisilong na lang ang dalawang chikas sa magkabilang tabi niya.

Lunch, laugh, lamon-

Since Des had her baon, she just bought a drink. Hersch bought pasta (kasi wala yung paella)and I bought a rice meal which really diappointed me coz it was too tough for my poor braced teeth, and so I had no choice but to finish what I could and forget the fat and the rest of what was set on my plate (it looked deceptively tender yum, so I've been had).

Of course, while the myx music channel was running on tv in front of us (imax ito, sosyal kami, nyahahahaha), chumika kami while eating. Hyper na relaxed naman ang mga noisy lolas (pano kaya yun no), dahil we had about two hours to share.:)

Aside from the weird and unusual feats and performances namin (tulad na lang nung last Tuesday's Moulin Rouge scandal ni Herschel with the tube and cloth-budgeted skirt- I want an explanation!!! >:P) and unusual class experiments (like how Des suffered her bruises just yesterday when she had a (literal) turnaround do-the-catwalk scandal of her own- kumusta naman, mare!;P), I gave them a recap of what happened and anong pinag-usapan nung saturday night out sa MOA with Pau, Bern, and Jrep (recap lang, sorry girls- it's not mine to tell eh, hehe).

At magandang teaser naman ang naibigay ko, kasi balak kong magset ng meeting with the group again when available na tayo. Which might mean around the 2nd wk of October na, since feel ko magiging busy tayong lahat...huhuhu...

2 Phallic Symbols-

Duh, we green intellectuals (owning up to that, imagine...) all should know what this means, but anyway medyo napag-usapan lang namin kasi si Herschel ehh..! (magsumbong ba...wahaha) May ganun daw sa building niya and ayun, it disturbed her a lot when she saw it...kami rin, when she told us of it as a side story to the main incident in her class. Sabi ko sa kanya we'd like to see it sometime, but well, we might just not coz we're not permitted to enter her building (aaawwwww).

Pero yung isa, yung alam naman ni Des (discovered through a classmate daw, hahaha) nakita namin kasi open to public, kailangan lang ng green-tinged eyes to see (harry potter? hahahaha, ya know what I mean). The purpose of seeing that hidden symbol prompted me to suggest walking right where it was- for a...ahem, verification, occular inspection...whatever, hahaha.

So while still chatting on the way with tears of laughter rolling over our cheeks (esp Hersch) and pain our mandibles (tell that to Des), we somehow strolled like daytime drunkards (kasi naman ano, sa katatawa sa kuwento with matching actions eh nagpasuray-suray kami) sa lovers' lane aka Benavides lane, however you wanna call that.

And under the direct and blazing heat of the noontime sun Des casually pointed to the not-so-obvious figure ("Ayan, o.") and we were laughing so hard again, with mostly arts students around us casting the supposedly prim ladies (nursing, pt, accountancy, hello?) a very disturbed look, swear, hahaha, nadegrade ata ang colleges namin at that moment of full-blown eruption of laughter...(Is that supposed to be bad..? Not that we cared, it seemed...nyehehehe)

So we still walked, umupo sa Quadricentennial Park where there was a beautiful functioning fountain (malamig yung air, so magandang tumambay dun). A little more chika and we were off...to the clutches of reality? Of course as usual medyo sad na naman ako, pero I chose to perceive the blessing of such a rare opportunity with them, so the heck with goodbyes- it's more of a see-you-later thing anyway...

Ayun, so Des and I had classes to return to while poor Hersch could do nothing but go home na since wla na kaming mga faithful escorts niya (hahahaha). For a last do-you-this thing, Des and I offered to accompany her to one of the hospital exits where she planned to ride a jeep home. Umakyat na kami ni Des, and there, the end of the meeting for today.

So, you wanna know kung kumusta na ang dalawa?

• Des is still bubbly, iskandalosang naipagpalit na ako sa kanyang mga boylets (at girlaloos). Tandaan mo yan bruha ka...T.T Lam niyo ba I always see her with at least two guys on either side while walking, ano siya, donya? Hahahaha.
• And Miss Hersch is still- *grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her* where did you take Herschel??? What have you done with her?! (in other words, she's fine...(-_-)) Teka, her quotable quote? (no kidding to ah!) Picture this, in public (she replies to my joke):

*She stretches up her arms, with palms facing up and says, "I'm for sale!"*

Yeah baby. Anyway, I hope to meet them again some time. Sana nga...kasi for the record, last time I met Hersch was June, just about five minutes. Si Des, yung typical hi-and-bye namin sa same building, di rin naman counted as a decent meeting out. :) So I thank God for this blessing of a great time with them. Ang tagal na talaga, grabe...

Tekaaa...! Girls!!! We forgot to take pictures!!! Aaaaaaaaaaa!

Ok, signing off...for this entry, I mean. Hehehe. (7pm na! *gasp*)

Patience is a virtue?

I do not like waiting. I admit to being such an impatient person, kaya nga siguro ako nilagay ni God sa nursing, para ako'y magka-'patient', hehehehe...patience through dealing with sticky situations, seriously.

Speaking of which, andito kasi ako sa UST lib, stuck without anyone with me, bored and waiting for my ma to come and fetch me so I can go back to the comforts of my own home and my own spot in front of the pc and type my overdue script. Which might mean I can't sleep until probably 1 in the am (I am really aiming to finish it asap!!!).

Hay. Aw well. When I started asking God to give me patience, I already had in mind that I should be expecting him to give me these situations that require my patience...parang it's like, for example, I wanna be a better writer. A good way is to go to a workshop for writing, where I can actually practice my skills, right? Obviously if I wish to learn to write better and I keep going to a cooking workshop...well, nothing's gonna happen with my set aim, duh.

Parang ganito siguro yung situation ko. I am sincerely praying to God to let me develop my patience towards troublesome cases (like where I am now). I shouldn't be expecting patience to just come like magic, coz that won't be fruitful for the long term- God isn't that shallow to be that way. Siyempre I should learn it. And learning is a constant process in a person's life, so I shouldn't expect it to have it now, like instant coffee when you just add water to it.

And I really have to learn...so I'm trying to keep my fingers busy...I missed this blogging, hehehe.

Tif! This one's for you!

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday happy birthday....happy birthday to you!

Reparations

Finally! After weeks of having to deal with my ruined blog, my new improved (though less animated) blog has been made out of the rubble. Yey.

Anyway, so kumusta kayong mga friends ko? I sincerely pray that you are all fine. And know well that I love you wherever you are at the moment you read this. :) And I miss you!

Kahapon natuwa naman akong nakita ko ang mga old friends ko from sj- si Repa, Pau, at Bern. Naglagi kami dun sa mall of asia. Ang saya. Chika galore, drink juice and h2o, and then we played sa Timezone. I discovered the pleasure of Guitar freakz and that trivia game, thanks to my delightful company. This is such a fun way to relax after this week's exam struggle that I had to endure. I know I can never find another time such as this.

Ayun lang muna. I guess kahit i-describe ko pa ang mga pangyayari kahapon, hindi ko pa rin talaga mashshare yung joy na nadama ko then, having seen my old friends and having talked with them after a very long time...five months na ata since we last met? Hehehehe.

I can't wait to write more entries again...this is such a fun resurrection. Timely rin for me, dahil naisulat ko ang good news na ito, hehehe.

Peachie must try abstinence

As much as I hate to say it, I think I'm having to much of a good time recently. Too much that I feel unsettled with the imbalance, hehehehe...such condition is not good.

I don't want to be a killjoy or return to my solitude lifestyle, but I just think that I should exercise some self-control on my part. I know myself too well to understand that I am going beyond the capacity of my human self (weirdo). I cannot go 'blaming the environment' for being too conducive for some good-old self-gratification.

My closest friends should know: like most of us in the circle, peach is an adventurer at heart. And to state it simply, I think I'm committing 'overindulgence.' My next step to this now is to resolve to take advantage of what capacity I can humanly manage and do what I should with this fault of mine...

How, you may ask? Well I've been trying to avoid pinpointing the GCF (nyahahaha greatest common factor, yeah right, peach and math? eeeeeeew).

I just think I should stop seeing someone for a while. Yun lang. Kasi frankly the fault is all mine. It's my issue to address. I should keep my head (and myself, come on) on the course I am in. Do my duties. Keep me sane. Keep me busy and interested with med-surg, etc.

And above all, put myself together and go back to my routine of daily spiritual nourishment, which kind of slipped off since I started this addicting habit of going away, hehehehe. As I had proclaimed to myself one bright weekend morning, I just can't- and don't- want to be without God- ever!!! I will be empty again if so.

And as I have committed myself into a personal relationship with Him (na sana noon ko pa hinangad) dapat di ba in-uupdate ko yung sarili ko, as in make contact every beautiful day He gives? Ayun...and I don't like the idea na mas pinipili ko pang habaan ang oras ko with some others when I lack so much time for the Lord who deserves all the glory, duh.

Ayan tuloy, I'm getting more stressed more often...and I feel that I am losing my focus on the race of life...

So I'm trying my best to veer myself away from my overindulgence. Abstinence kung baga. Just to reshift my focus back to the Big Boss, si Itay.

The big question is, how long can I hold up to this? Aaaaaa Lord!!!!

Bumming it out big time

OK fine, so doing the laundry and fixing up my pamphlets for the next duty isn't something that one would call 'fun activity.' But since it does not involve opening my books, I consider it bummin' out. Probably one of my favorite hobbies these days,hmm...*shrug*

Anyway I'm being bitten by the mosquitoes...grr these little pests...

I'm just done with my pamphlets for the health center teachings to be done throughout the shift in Posadas. I just talked with Therese, had a small chitty chat with Bern yesterday...I miss my one and only Bech...hahahaha. Something tells me I should spend some good time with them after the upcoming exams this last week of August (yeah, long wait that is...). Maybe I should ask Rep to plan a bit of a go-out for all of us...

Speaking of which, natatawa na lang ako sa batang iyan...he can fume me ever so dearly but never once had he given me A LOT to think of...until one afternoon, when he texted me some sad episode he's got to deal with. Of course I'm not entitled to spill that but all I can say is that, besides of course that he's just darned feminine (64% to be exact, nyehehehe fine, I'm half-kidding), it astounds me still to realize how people give me much to wonder about, regardless of whoever they are to me.

I don't want to cry, but...

Just today I got to get home at around 8 pm. Yey...*TOJ* (tears of joy)

Yes, you might laugh at this like I do now, but it gives me a warm fuzzy feel somehow to see this through my stressors now. I am loaded with workworkwork, but nevertheless I still got time to appreciate the gifts, the blessings I enjoy around this hostile and cruel world of ours, yeah! Amen to that...

I have a lot of stories to tell after being off this bloghabit for so long...last was my feud trip with therese, hahahaha. And now I just have to pull myself away from this sanctuario of mine before I put pics in and tell you guys of my batcave visits in Bulacan...literally!!!

At yun nga palang mga tagpo namin ng aking pinakamalupit- ah, I mean- pinakamalapit na friendshippers na kagagaling lang ng Bangkok last tuesday...grabe, I just have to say thank you again for that wonderful elephant stuff you smuggled- ah, I mean, brought in, hehehehe. Seriously I appreciated the gift (not the thought? whahahaha). Thank you. And the first time trip was cool, and the dinner...

Ay, why am I even telling now...come on Peachie, don't get started when you're supposed to be doing your Pharma, Socio, Pedia, Med-surg...

BTW! I plan to try the tet for wanna-be MDs. Yeah!!! Hmmm...

Back pain

I am having back pain at the moment- and pain in my backside. Seriously. Hahaha. It must have been the prolonged sitting, squatting, or maybe the book report I had been trying to finish. Anyway...

I feel so bad about my inferiority as a Christian. I feel sorry for not being a better person- I think I'm deteriorating spiritually. Which is why I know more than ever that I must act upon this dilemma- and fast. I thank God for highlighting this weakness of mine. If not I won't be so aware as I am now, right? So there.

Just this Friday night I had my evening meet with Yani. I miss our one-on-one sessions around Dapitan when the lights come low in the form of postlamps and when there isn't much nursing matters to share but nutrition (food!). Nandun kami kahapon sa Time Cafe. After a long long moment of decision-making, we both opted for the sisig. Nice way to improve health, student nursies. Hahaha. At dahil nagccrave si Yani we also bought cheese fries. Now honestly I don't like fries as much as she does but it's nice to eat when it's a desire to fulfill, hehehe.

I feel the pressure of an undone project today. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking too much of something like that while busy with another project, but here...I'm thinking about it. And as I am done with the first project, I'm now thinking if I should proceed with the next or sleep instead. Hmm...

Kaninang umaga I was in room 224, engaging in a very delightful scriptwriting workshop with a couple of ABs, who seemed very impressed with our showcased talent, which they had a gracious chance of witnessing in our extempore plot formations, etcetera. I now have a script to work on for the next two weeks. Let's see how it turns out- in the office or in the dumpster. Hahaha. Or worse, we might need an autoclave...hahahahaha.

On other news, my adversary leaves for Bangkok today at around 2pm, but not before calling me up the night before his flight off:

• Jrep: So anong gusto mo? (referring to pasalubong)
• Ako: Malay, ewan, I don't even like the question. Ano bang meron dun?
• Jrep: *thinks* Wala.
• Ako: Nakapunta ka na ba doon?
• Jrep: Oo.
• Ako: So ano ngang meron?
• Jrep: *thinks* Wala. (talk about repetition) Hmm...meron, spicy food...di naman pwede, pagkain un eh. Elepante...sige yun na lang.
• Ako: Ay nako wag na, di ko na kailangan nun. Anjan ka naman eh.

Wahahaha...

I hate to say it, but I'm feeling the cold coming through.
What illness is this? Seems like no meds will do
Just then it hits me- I realize...I'm missing you.
And then I ask next...

I'm missing who?

Hahahahahahahahaha okok I need to post and get off this lunacy chair...NOW.

happy birthday mark- belated na

Wala lang, just posted this for my amusement. :) Hehehe. I love them all. Happy birthday mark. Kahit belated hahaha.

Anyway at the moment andito sa bahay si rep. Hahaha. Nagpapa-epal na naman. Di naman welcome ito pero sige na, nakapasok, weh di ba welcome poor strangers so, hahahaha...

Fine, I invited him...ayun. Hehehe.

Bulgaran Activity

It is funny how a moment in one's life can change everything that's coming next. I am quite certain that all of us can relate to this in varying degrees. I say this by my experience today, which I feel I am not quite over with yet. Perhaps it will be one of those fond memories which I will find myself reminiscing under a deep moonlit night- a far better replacement of an ugly memory which finally sizzles and melts into the dark background forever.

Background: In order to address the problem of 'division' in our batch, my concerned adviser planned a most revealing afternoon for all of us after her lecture today. And so we did...

Personal Impression: At first I was not too excited about it, being the negativist that I was, naturally. I was plagued with the feeling that it won't work since people might just ridicule it and go on with the course of things as part of the class activity. But the events that took place later on had me swallowing up all that I thought about it, hehehe, siyempre. Just goes to show that the most exciting things sometimes come as surprises in the weirdest settings.

The Activity Proper: At Alex's suggestion, we passed a piece of bond paper each with our names on it, and in 30 seconds we would write down what we think of each other. In the end the goal is to have the whole class write down their feelings about each other all in every bond paper.

My Change of Heart: At first I was still uncertain of how much to write, for I was clearly not into the said activity. But then when I caught a few glimpses of Ody's transparent messages on the paper sheets being passed on to me, I eventually resolved to take this rare opportunity to heart and write down as I felt.

Mostly I wrote yearnings of friendship for those whom I haven't had a chance to get to know, and for those I experienced being hurt with, I wrote simply that and ended up with the assurance that it's all in the past and that I wanted to be good friends with them. Of course to my special friends I had mushy messages scribbled messily with love in green ink. :) An option to remain anonymous was open, but I didn't take it, feeling confident enough to show myself as is.

Result: Most wrote about me being such a good writer and artist. Some even wrote to say that I was mabait and caring and sweet and...some things I didn't think they would say about me. My first college friend ever, si Kat, reminded me of her friendship with me no matter what (awww to the nth level!!!). Another, a guy (Jam!), unexpectedly gave me the awws upon his mention of me teaching him a song in the guitar, which happened during the first year. And he remembers? Wow...

On the flip side there's that infamous 'malas girl' which some people think I am (Alex! Tadz!). Another called me a feminist (who are you)...yes, but that's just so shallow, coz frankly I no longer am. Someone reminded me to come on time on duty days so I would not have to make up for lost time (hehehe, Josh). I was overwhelmed with the sincerity that everyone showed.

The Speeches: I made a speech, thanking all of them in class. But I was really struck with Sai's speech about the division in class. I have to salute her for that. I hugged her tightly after that session for her courageous voice. I also have to say that Minnie really suprised me with so much force- she actually stood up! I felt my chest swelling with pride as she spoke, with no pretense and yet having that ounce of respect for the people whom she has issues with.

I was affected so much by the stand of Jords when she expressed her personal feelings regarding the comments given. I was compelled to talk with her heart-to-heart after the session, especially when she mentioned to me through the note-passing that she wanted to see more than my crazy and positive sides. I had to stop and think for a moment about it.

The Moment of Truth: Something about the event of enlightenment (which turned out to be an obvious success for almost everybody) compelled me to speak to my circle of friends and tell them my deepest, darkest secret. Yes, you read me right- Peach has a deep dark secret, hahaha...shhh! (Yeah right...) Anyway wala lang, to summarize I just held them all by the hand and told them something which rendered me completely vulnerable to them forever. Hahaha. Ewan, alam naman niyo ko, emo girl at napaka-sensitive, kahit nagmumukhang stone age pa (aka batman- bato na manhid pa, according to Miss Aguilar of SJ whom I met on the way tonight). I felt so happy and complete to have lost that last part of me which I've been holding on to for the longest time. I did not expose myself to bring about chaos- I simply gave myself the chance to trust my friends in the highest form I know of. In return, I hope they feel and know that I love them- this I perhaps underscore in this profound revelation of mine tonight.

Free Hugs: Hugs came freely after the activity. I will never forget my bes taking me into a hug, but not before calling me, "My best friend..." in the process. It was a perfectly endearing moment for me to keep for life. Sana alam niyang he means so much to me.

Ok. Enough said, hahaha. I want to do my stuff, especially my bro's book report on some Shakespearean comedy. I want to express my yearning for Ahia Andrew, Tif and Bech. Somehow I wish we can spend time together this week...hmm...ay, at isa pa, sana matuloy pala kami ng labas ni Jrepaps ko, lam ko malaki na utang ko dun sa gimmick time, coz I always find a way to blow his plans with me when we go out. Hahahaha. Sorry ba...it's me, with the strict sched, limitations, and yeah- there's my mother to note as well, hahahaha.

This is my latest matinong pic just a week before my dreadful exam week. Hahaha. Anyway...

I miss my sj friends...si Bern, Shuri, Tif, Therese, Hersch, si Pau, si Qua, si Jodi, si Os, si Jep...even si Jonathan. Hay.

I feel that I should rest. Also read the word and see what God has to say. And maybe spend time with my sj friends. Wala naman kaming prob ni rep kasi lagi naman kami nagkikita, nakakasawa nang mang-away, hahahaha (yeah right).

Sa nursing friends ko, actually nadadagdagan sila, especially from the lower years, si Theresa and si Jay. Si Mervs occasionally nangungulit, which is definitely a good stress reliever especially during the exams...

Sa mga gorgeous birds, well I occasionally talk with Jo but I dearly miss having lots of good times with him. Si Mark lagi ko namang kasama, siyempre kasangga ko yan, sort of. And of course with Yani we are a triad, although I have to say na iba nga ang triad na yan sa individual relationship ko with each of them. I would say napamahal na silang dalawa sa kin nang ibang lebel...awww, hahaha. Pati rin naman si Sigh, Jords, Julie, and KR, pero of course I think getting close to them requires more time to spend...

This Week:

Aside from my first third year exams, this week has really been a very trying week for me. I am glad I resolved it after 24 hours, although of course andun ang remnants of regret...pero ok na ko. :)

Next Week:

Tests. Cell regrouping. My double date with Rep and my Aunt on Wednesday. Let's see what happens...SONA!!!

A Sit-down:

I just have to write this down. I was tasked by my Socio prof to do a report on the status of the soldiers of today. And the fearful speaker that I was I asked her if I could do a movie instead. Honestly I have never done one because I have this serious notion that only hopeless nonartists can't do projects nicely without media help. So this was definitely a biggie for me.

I studied the program in three days, gathered all my pics from the net outside (kasi nawalang ng net during the time I was working on this), and worked on it. The result was a big very good from sister vinoya, my prof, which meant a lot because we all know her for being strict and her high standards in requirements (woo-hoo).

Ayun. I was not expecting to take the subject matter seriously, but I was really alarmed when I found out the salary of a military combantant here in out country: P240.00...a month!!!

Which is why I support the bill Trillanes is passing- to make that bit of an 'incentive' bigger, like maybe P60-P120 a day or something...go go senator, do it legally and you'll get through...

Ay, basta. No wonder the soldiers don't mind going wild sometimes when the time calls for it. For example, the Oakwood mutiny was actually because of their allegation that the government sold war weapons to the enemies (MILF).

Ay, and another mark of corruption here- I'm sure that you guys have been seeing news of many mariners getting killed, and 10 of them getting beheaded due to a rescue operation in attempt of getting the priest Giancarlo Bossi out of Basilan. Well, the reason- well, let's say it's a factor- that they lost the fight that way is because the mortars they got from the storage in the base are all defective. They had to hurry and change them so that they can fight.

And in whose time the defects were bought- now that's the question they are supposed to answer now so someone will pay...let the government do the investigation.

And come to think of it...just something funny I read out of a blog: bakit naman hindi papalpak kung ang pinuno palpak rin? :P

And He Will Always Take My Heart Away

Sometimes I believe I understand the ultimate meaning and purpose of life in my relationship with God. But on the other hand, when darkness tolls in...I tend to feel blank...like an imbecile in things. (Which shouldn't be the case if I just take my daily dose of the Word, grr...)

As I am feeling that way now I cannot help but ask within myself, 'What exactly have I gotten myself into?' (By this I refer to my immature relationship with God.)

I guess I will forever wonder about that. I will always have my doubts, my imperfections, my blunders, my weird moments with him. I will still be hurt, still cry, still get frustrated with him...yet still love and be loved so much more in return.

With all the hardships I have on a regular basis I feel like giving up and just leading a wasted life like most of us. But on the other hand I don't ever want to lose sight of him- which can happen so easily with the glimmer of worldly glory or the intimidating troubles in the wind.

Ay. I'm being such a reflective being here. I want to rest. And meditate on the word as I should. I need nourishment. I need to know what God wants. I'm sure what I'm doing is not so fine for him...