Really happy...nostalgic...happy...sad. Happy kasi it's over. Nostalgic kasi I remember the fun memories of being in the ward with my colorful RLE 2. Happy then again because I'm more of (though not all) of myself again, in time for my marching. Sad because I am reminded that I should stop lagging (and having AWOL) and grow all the way to my appropriate age and mental level of a young adult working for the Lord.
I shall put the dragon in me to sleep again...lest it cause another great deal of disappointment and emotional turmoil on my part.
I'm going to school for my review now. And why not...hahahaha. At nako, antoks na naman ang abot ko nito. Meanwhile, I woke up feeling sick with a headache...with 50 new messages in my phone which made me feel more sick...I'm feeling epigastric pain graded 5/10 upon standing, but relieved to almost 0/10 upon lying supine or prone.
Despite all this I drink about 250cc of pulpy orange juice from the fridge for breakfast. Crabby cure for the crazy crabby gal. *shivers with relief*
....
No one can possibly fathom the depths of my loneliness now. I am at the edge of my sanity, slipping off slowly with gravity like fine shifting sands in an egg timer. While I sit here taking every painful hit of circumstances and relishing the masochism in me, I feel that I am actually my own dementor, sucking out all the happiness in me. I am nothing but an empty shell now, wearing a carefree disposition, painted beautifully like an easter egg in the exterior, but inside...yes I know, I am bound to crack with such a vulnerability. Should I stay here and feel the pain as watch me die slowly? Or should I just accept the challenges of everyday living and anesthesize myself...while hemorrhaging to death?As a result of this confusion, I laugh. I cry. I laugh. I cry. What is happening? I don't know. It's even possible that I am fated to live alone, that no one can possibly bear living with me. It's possible that I am condemned to be my own best friend, and no one else's inspiration, no one else's useful teacher, no one else's pleasure, no one else's business...no one else's love, no one else's friend...above all this, I don't know. All I now is that no one can possibly fathom...
...
I am not supposed to write about this…I know it in my mind. But my heart’s been swelling with agony, and I believe I cannot stand to be in denial for longer than today…and so I write.
It has been long since I’ve decided that perhaps, there are people who are destined to be alone. Once in my life I had accepted that I was meant to live alone, that it was not worth my time to make anyone really come close to be, because of course, companionship was not for me. Maybe that’s what made me subject myself willingly to a life of seclusion wherein life was simpler…but solo. No one needed to get bored with me. No one had to be patient with my bad attitude. No one had to suffer my jealous tendencies. No one had to make like a verbal wall and let me hit it until it gave way.
Then came the later part of my college life. Somewhere in my comfort zone I hoped that perhaps I was not meant to be alone. Since then I made friends around me…I loved them as much as I could. I gave all I could…I learned as much as I had to. I even thought at some point that I finally grasped the true meaning of what it meant to love unconditionally, to be faithful and trusting to others despite a lag in logic. Soon, with all the happiness of having a pack of fine-humored friends to engage hearty conversations, with all the thrills of having lunchmates among them…oooh, I loved that so much…and definitely, the life lessons they shared with me in small talks and personal tales…it wasn’t long until I decided to tear myself away from my old life slogan and gratefully fall into the merciful arms of companionship.
But the conclusion of my final year in college took a curious turn. I see myself as this blindfolded girl who walks through life with a lot of lessons yet to learn. During my happy college days I got used to the notion that if I perhaps stumbled along the way, all I had to do was to stretch out my hand and someone would quickly grasp it and come to my aid so I could resume walking.
But I am now in a phase wherein I believe that if I, as that blindfolded girl, now stumbled…not even the incessant calling of my voice, not even while I’m being trampled upon, and not even my outstretched hand can render me safe again.
My distress call has been up for two weeks, more or less. And I chose to ignore it. I believe that it is wrong to ask, “What about me?” when you genuinely want to see your friends happy. They all seemed to be doing well with their own lives.
I used to think I had these particular friends who would really care to know how I am...and make exceptional efforts to comfort me. I used to think I was finally that small tiny voice they'd yearn to listen to...and pay attention to. But maybe no.
And here I am, feeling like everyone’s dumped me. It’s me going back to my old notion that perhaps everything I wanted to believe in was a lie…that yes, yes…I am destined to be alone.
Oh…what am I saying? Perhaps I am meant to be alone, but after feeling good with companionship, I realized that it's better and that I don’t want to be alone. But now that here's the status quo, I feel the need to ask...did I not give enough to the people around me? Am I being selfish again? Have I not corrected this fault of mine? Do I not say that I love them enough?Am I being blind to the fact that most of them can very well be off with their lives better without me?
I guess only they know the answer. It is unfair of me to ask them. They won’t even tell it to my face when the real answer hurts. Anni, you're too much. Anni, you're useless to me. Anni you're...
So what now? The way I see it, I’m caught in between my old life (wherein the whole day is all mine) and the glorious life of companionship (wherein my personal space is too often breached…in exchange for assaults of tender welcome hugs and sweet cheek kisses).
Oh come on. Why not just make things less complicated? You’re simply destined to be alone, period. Nothing more.
They say that your greatest enemy is yourself…and it is the same with me. I somehow believe that most of what I’m saying now is rubbish. I know for a fact (or maybe not) that I should get a hold of myself and unlatch the door to the outside world of reality…or fantasy?
Sunday. Alone and stupid, I cried while sitting at the lobby of a condo right before lunchtime.
So what's the fuss? What's even new, anni? Maybe you need to wake up. Or maybe you're already up, I don't know.
After all this time, I have to face the question if you really ever knew how to love me...to go for the extra mile to make me see how you love me...to be more than just the person whom I share my happiness with.
Well I cannot demand anything from you...I know that. But I'm hurt badly again...and I don't even know if you're really sorry when you said it or that's just part of routine procedure. I hope that when you said sorry it meant that you'd try not to do it again...because you've done it before...and in such a short interval...and I don't know if you just forgot that part of the apology contract.
Tao lang ako pare. Nasasaktan din. Baka hindi mo napansin, natatapakan mo ko pag wala ka sa mood. At masakit...
And how you really know how to hurt me despite everything...I guess all I have done was never enough to stop me from feeling this kind of pain...
I sound doubting right now. I know. I feel that after what you've made me experience, I have the right to doubt at least. Sabi mo noon you'll give me every assurance, as much as I need. Well, let's see you do that, because believe me, I need it if it exists.
*picks up a notebook and flips to a certain page* I recall writing this two months ago. I think the emotions are back again. I wasn't gonna post this, but I think I need to.
Scribble:
Napapagod na akong magmahal. Bakit ba laging ako ang humahabol sa mga taong nais pumalag sa piling ko? Pilit na ibinabalik ang pagtingin... Nagmumukha tuloy akong desperadong bossy. Should I just let them off? Why can I just not let them be when they feel the urge to run? Sana naman pag ako ang tumakbo, hahabulin din nila ako. I pray that somebody loves me enough to chase me down and wake me to my senses...like I'm sleepwalking. Ang hirap palang magmahal. Puwede bang hindi na lang? Puwede bang wag na lang magmahal? Napapagod ako. Pero dapat kong panindigan ang mga taong minamahal ko. Walang susuko. Walang iwanan. Kahit ano pang magbago... Sisiguraduhin ko... Asahan mo... Nandito ako...para sa iyo. Hindi ko naisip Na akoy mapapagod magmahal. Parang isang masamang panaginip Itong nadaramang pagkapagal Kahit tumakbo ka nang matulin Saan man at kahit kailan Ipagluluksa ang kawalan, ika'y hahanapin Sa pangakong pag-ibig na walang kapaguran. ...
Grabe talaga. Ang tight ng rubbers ko sa braces...T.T I'm having a right tempofrontal headache graded 5/10 in the pain scale with the applied tension.
I need to bite on something to lessen the pain.
They say beauty has a price, but I didn't choose to have braces, come on (my mother did)! Hahaha! But not that I'm a lousy ingrate...I thank her for the efforts which I am only half-comprehending...arrghh but the pain of new adjustments..!X0
Will find something in the fridge. For now, I go. Hahahaha.^^
I wrote this way back...but it remains to be one of my favorite personal pieces kasi unusual siya. While a lot of pieces would speak of the wonder of admitting love to a friend or something to that effect, I don't. I believe self-control and waiting faithfully for God's timing to unfold are best applications in this situation.
Hmm...I keep telling that to myself.
By the way...believe me, it's tough learning this from experience. The Greater Love
I have a problem, a minor one A dilemma I’ve been purging but won’t stay gone A secret long buried, which now I sing With solution’s last note as a form of blessing:
I committed the fault of all faults in friendship I fell hard for my dearest past the fancying trip I tried so hard to put it away But it’s there in my face, no regard for delay
My crowd pushes me to go for the kill But I see no good reason to indulge in such thrill The world declares, ‘If you love her, tell.’ But I’ve seen the bigger plan and picture too well
To know where I stand in this emotional treason To reap not in this season when love’s out of season
In self-gratification there is no beauty As is with confessing, it isn’t for free There is much to lose and spend, mind you If commitment’s the game and the thing to do
I love you so much, no doubt about that But if I love you much more I’d keep it at that
Keep it pure Make it sure Keep it clear As your loyal peer
For spilling can only bring so little The effects unseen, the reactions subtle In the aftersilence, you’re sure to crack A line drawn between and no turning back
Come see it this way- she’ll say it’s good But deep down she just doesn’t want to be rude Oh she’ll be fine, she’ll insist it’s ok She’ll maintain her poise and laugh it away But be warned what lies beneath that front An ugly truth you’ll never want:
She has moved within- the great big shift Hearts broken apart- the sudden rift Precious friendship- like a perfect glass window Once cracked with such doubts won’t last tomorrow
Yes it hurts so much, this emotional war But I won’t last as long if she’s to nurse that scar
My crowd pushes me to go for the kill But I see no good reason to indulge in such thrill The world declares, ‘If you love her, tell.’ But I’ve seen the bigger plan and picture too well
To know where I stand in this emotional treason To reap not in this season when love’s out of season
In self-gratification there is no beauty As is with confessing, it isn’t for free There is much to lose and spend, mind you If commitment’s the game and the thing to do
I love you so much, no doubt about that But if I love you much more I’d keep it at that …if I loved you much more I’d keep it at that.
I was manifesting familiar signs of psychological distress. I skipped dinner, breakfast...and lunch was something I was considering then. Strangely I didn't feel hungry then, despite the lengthy time of my unintended fasting...despite the exams na dumaan lang. I was lethargic, unable to sustain the right mood for conversation, and the old solitude bug was biting at me again...I wanted to be isolated from everyone else (it's an old habit of mine which comes back once in a while when I'm not in good terms with the Lord, basta).
So! Predictably, some of my classmates noticed. I was trying to fight the disturbance, wanting to be a useful companion for two of my friends whom I care for so much. But of course, I'm bad at hiding things...and I innately wear my heart on my sleeve, so there...Steph and Tadz began to ask me, nudging me a bit without sounding too nosy. They know how to leave me alone most of the time when I shift into this mood, which I later explained wasn't good at all because hindi siya nakakabless.
Thinking that I probably needed to shed some light for them to see what's going on inside me, I verbally acknowledged reality, "I am feeling sad."
Yes, I felt sad then...but it was a sadness which I already knew. Of course as I told them already, I don't expect them to understand me well. It was a sadness...a deep feeling of sadness which comes as a consequence of my wrongdoings. I cannot begin to explain how down I felt with the realization that I let the love of my life (namely, Jesus) down again (for the nth time, anni!!!) when he's done nothing but to love me, be patient with me, provide for me, be there for me...forgive me and allow me to repent.
But one important note: God does not take sin lightly. He hates sin. And since we follow his principles, we have to abhor sin as much as he does.
Alam mo yung pakiramdam na, "I am so so deeply in love with the Lord that it feels infinitely despairing when I let him down, when I know that I could have done differently with the right exercise of my free will...but no! I just had to deliberately gratify my natural self and fail him again...for the nth time!"
Oo nga naman...sin is a deliberate turning away from the Lord. And for the wages of sin is death. It is what separates man from living a full life with the Lord. Pag nagkakasala tayo, hindi naman si God ang nawawalan- in reality, tayo ang lalong nalulunod sa kasalanan, na nagdadala sa tin sa mas malala, mas marami at mas malalim na kapahamakan. It is for our sake that God wants us to obey his principles in our lives.
Bakit, ano pa bang mabuti ang maidudulot sa kanya niyan when he's perfect already?! Tayo ang may kailangan niyan! As our Heavenly Father, he does not want to see us harm ourselves unncessarily. He wants us to flourish in every aspect. He wants us to enjoy the best relationship we will ever find- that is, with Him! Siyempre! Ang dahilan, simple lang- eh mahal niya tayo, bakit ba...
As Christians we are called to live lives of holiness...lives bent in growing in better relationship with the Lord, constantly working to improve ourselves that Christ's love may shine in us. But with the influence of sin in this world we live in, it is inevitable...our natural tendency to falter will always be there. But with strength and constant guidance from the Lord, we will be more guarded with our actions, be more faithful to Him who loved us first.
I'm not saying that sinning is justified. What matters is that we repent and we try our very best not to sin again. Para sa atin naman talaga yan.
So let me discuss: what's the difference with true repentance and false repentance? Let me give a good picture of this.
Remember the saying that life is a race? Well, those who are running towards the finish line in the right trails are Christians who desire to pursue the Lord to the end. They are running in the right direction.
Tripping or hitting the dirt can be well compared to sinning, faltering.
Picture yourself as the runner. What's the sane thing to do in case you trip?
Of course. Dust yourself, quickly treat injuries, and run on...again focusing in reaching the goal of the race...which is to reach the finish line.
True repentance is like that. When we do something against God's principles, we are bound to reap harmful consequences which we will suffer with. We sustain the burnt of our wrongdoings. (But it's not like God didn't warn us sufficiently, so the only one responsible is, well...each one of us.) We fall, we trip...we hit the dirt. And note that when we fall, it's an interruption of our run- we halt at the race...the fall keeps us from progressing through the race. And like such progress in running, personal growth is inevitably hindered when we sin.
This is where true repentance can work. If we choose to wisely rise above the fall and return to the race, focusing on the Lord...then good for us! We are able to progress in life.
What about if we suddenly decide to lie down there and refuse to stand up?
That's what I'd call wallowing. Wallowing in self-defeat...these are Christians who allow themselves to be harrassed by deceptive lies being thrown to them by the devil (wala ka nang pag-asa, I'm hopeless, I'm never gonna be anything better than this, God will never forgive me again...yung ganoong train of thought). In reality, an underlying cause of this is pride...pride that we should take control and do something about it in our own methods. Pride that we can do it out of our own efforts. Pride that we refuse to admit that Christ is enough to assure us that we can still go on with the race and be tougher through his strength.
May progress? Siyempre wala. Staying there does not yield good results. The fall results to lying down...life becomes stagnant- wallowing is in fact a time waster. This can only be defeated by faith...faith that Christ forgives us...of course as long as we are willing to repent and change for him.
I think I have a tendency to fall in this category of racers. I already asked for forgiveness...now I should just get up and get on with the running business! How about false repentance? Now this is a viciously dangerous cycle. Let's go back to the fall. For instance we fall. And then we decide to rise. If there is no true repentance, this is what happens to the runner- instead of running towards the finish line like before, he or she runs around in circles in place, falls, runs, falls, runs...in circles.
Silly, of course, if that should happen in an actual race...but the sad fact remains that this happens a lot in real life. Now what's wrong with this setup? First, there is no progress through the race. Siyempre, gumagalaw nga pero dun lang...energy is wasted. Second, focus on the finish line is lost. Sige nga, sa tingin mo ba ang taong tumatakbo nang paikot-ikot at padapa-dapa lang nang paulit-ulit, hindi mahihilo at masusugatan nang maraming beses? By doing this, he or she just shows how he or she has obviously lost sight of what his or her goal in the race is.
See the beauty of trying our best not to trip during the race...less trips means less injuries. Less injuries means less time wasted. Increased recovery time and continuing the race means more time for racing. Constant focus keeps our eye on the goal...and makes us less prone to falling.
That's the reason why we should make great efforts in keeping our focus on the race. How? By immersing ourselves in the Word, by daily devotionals, worshipping and blessing others. Whatever is good...think of these things, sabi nga in Paul.
That's the reason why we should make it a point to truly repent as soon as possible when we sin. How? By not wallowing in thoughts of self-pity, by not thinking that we can handle it without God...and just believing that Christ forgives us if we really repent...of course he knows that...he looks at the heart! All we need to do is to surrender this defeat and move on! Come on! Race is ongoing, child...^^
That's the reason why we should not sin as much as possible. How? By asking for sustainance from the Lord. By being knowledgeable through reading the Word and knowing from there the principles of God.
God bless you all!^^ Let's run the race!
"Behold, you have become well; do not sin anymore, so that nothing worse happens to you." (from Jn 5:14) Then Jesus said, "I don't condemn you, either. Go home, and from now on do not sin any more." (from Jn 8:11)
"Hi, how may I help you, our valued client? Would you like me to fetch you a drink, shine your shoes, babysit your kids, wash your car, pay all your debts, build a statue in your honor, and elect you president? Or maybe all of the ****ing above?!"
By Paulo Cobs...made my night happier. (Talk about bootlicking! Man! It's tough when you get stuck with such work..!)
On a serious note, hingi tayo ng patience, alright? Hahahaha!
I have gone from you, and you are free. The battle has been fought, and won for you. At the price of my silence, you, love...are free. In my heart I know it's the best I can do.
I am left to bleed and die in sight Of the sun that mocks me as it slowly blurs. But I smile, I cry...in despair, delight For you know I love you...I loved you first.
Washing with the tides of fate, so fickle, I count my final hours that remain. I'm counting the sands of time which trickle And shift finely, steadily...down the drain.
I wish for nothing than death's compassion, In my despair where you are far. I am nothing but empty, existing in confusion, With realizations and hopes...of a dying star.
I am weary and tired and in need of rest. When I will have them, I know not for sure. If this is a struggle, let me pass this test. Come wisdom embrace me and be my cure.
Would you kindly reach out and pull me through This pain that so consumes me more? I know this is foolish- but I haven't a clue On how to pick what's left of me from the floor.