Torments of the young adult

I think I'm losing it.

Anyway, I'm just going to keep quiet and read some...

I wish I can just erase my mistakes with a series of burning hoop shots. Or maybe three servings of Jollibee palabok. Or maybe ten dance sessions at the arcades. Or a limitless set of bouts in Tekken 6. Or if I'm going my usual way, I'd be snoring under a book by Philip Yancey again. Hahaha. Hay. *muses*

Have any of you felt that way, na sana you could have done it differently...better...correctly? I'm sure I'm not the first person in history to think this way...hindi na bago ito sa talaan ng kasaysayan ng emosyon...but it just feels terrible when you're in the mess of things.

Figures. Regrets are eating away at my present state and I hate it. It's all my fault- and yes, I'm taking the blame like a man. Yet I'm partly wishing that God would take me so the torments of my past would stop taking over my mind...but then, that's not gonna work now. Hahaha.

Off to bed. Hoping to do voluntary work tomorrow. Hoping to realize that despair isn't the best present option...

Whoever reads this (in blogger or multiply), remember dear friend that however things go, only God can hold you so tightly with a hundred percent willpower and will never let you go. So stay in his hold, stay happy and always remember that you are loved by the best. And I love you too.

Boat rides, water shortage and crowds shouting help

Yesterday I as looking ahead at a day of volunteering with my friends in Red Cross, National Chapter. Nothing special, just a program somewhere around to help and we're done.

But when I came in at 7 (I was an hour early), I was greeted with a big surprise as I casually asked one of the seniors there, Ma'am Mimi:

"So saan po tayo today?"
"Ah, sa Rizal."

Huwaaat?! Oookay... as I know, so far I haven't been there. But Rizal...I wasn't informed that we were actually going to do an outreach to a flooded area there... that rubber shoes *looked down at my cool white-and-yellow fila rubbers* were not recommended, baby oil is a must-have, and we needed extra clothes and slippers. I only brought my knapsack bag filled with 2 Yancey books (just in case I get bored on a pause), my black G-tech pen (which never came back to me), hanky (as reminded often by Aldrin), and some cash.

And to their estimate, mga 7-9 ang uwi time. Ah, just great- actually I meant that both ways. I felt excited with the experience of real-life volunteering for victims of Ondoy, bringing them hygiene kits...but I was anxious with my mother not knowing. Well, I didn't know until I came in for the job! Sue me then! (But hopefully she wouldn't pry so much...during and after the trip, so...)

We moved out at ten am, came in at around 12 noon. I was surprised with the looks of our way...marami pa ring water doon sa dinaanan namin. Akala ko yun na. Yun pala, tatawid pa pala kami ng Pasig River in order to get to another side of Rizal (sa Napindan) doon sa isang vicinity na hindi pa nabibigyan ng relief goods.

First we were oriented informally by the local officials on what to expect. Sabi lulusong daw kami sa tubig baha, ranging from waist-deep to chest-deep (o di ba ang taray, hehehe). We put on baby oil on our legs to close the pores and protect ourselves from the effects of wading in the water (fungal infections, drying, etc.). We fixed ourselves- binaba lahat ng gamit, no cellphones kasi baka mabasa lang, nagtali ako buhok and then rolled up na ang black 3/4 pants.

May isa nga sa min, si Billy, nagtanggal ng pants- bale boxers lang, para hindi mabasa, hehehe kulit. Natuwa nga ako sa kanya kasi nag-offer siyang magpadamay ng mga cellphones and stuff just in case we really wanted to carry some, kasi siya rin mismo parang gusto magdala for pictures e di might as well dadalhin niya na din yung amin- kaso at the last minute di na rin siya sure, so iwan talaga lahat.

Nagpanic mode ako when I thought of the possible scenario pag nabasa ako. Malalaman ng nanay ko, hay tapos away na naman at badshot na naman sa kanya lalo itong trabaho ko. So I looked for a pair of pants I coudl somehow purchase sa mga stores dun. Sa karinderia nagbebenta ng long pants for kids. May isang xl na panglalaki. Eh tinry ko, desperado eh...kumasya sa kin comfortably as a 3/4 pair of pants, hahahahaha yey, so sugod pa rin ako., I was given the option to choose to go to the other side or not, but of course, I wanted to go help, so it was a doubtless yes.

Shortly dumating yung truck ng RC Rizal Chapter with the relief goods. That was when I slowly got the real picture. We were not there just for health teachings and hygiene awareness. We were participating in a collaborative relief operations for victims of Ondoy.

So pinaglunch kami sa karinderia. I was rather uncomfy eating kasi madumi yung spoon, which I washed sa lababo nila...and yung manok ng kaldereta may dugo pang nag-ooze, yung kanin medyo hilaw pa (minadali kasi), but then still I ate about 3 spoons max (with a passive expression) as a respectful gesture and thanked the resident cook for her hospitable efforts. I drank water from our own stock.

Then time to go work. The first task was to load the relief goods in the boats. Nagrelay mode kami, pila from the truck to the dock and pass goods. Nasa near end ako ng dock. So ayun, pasa ng bigas, damit, canned goods, noodles...yung iba galing ng abscbn sagip-kapamilya. Then at around 2 pinasakay ako sa boat to go to the other side. I was supposed to do health teachings, kaso pagland ko sa other side (on top of a roof, so hindi pala kami lulusong, hehehe yey), I found that the people were falling in line a la wowowee sa gulo at haba. They were very noisy and wanted to get their relief goods. Siyempre ang hirap maglecture.

So hindi na, tumulong na lang ako mag-unload ng bottled mineral water (in gallons, small bottles...), clothes, slippers and biscuits. May crowd control pa sa super gulo...kaso grabe may mga nagccut pa rin ng line na nahuli naman, hahahay. Some checked the locals and gave them numbers to ensure that they really belonged to the place (with signatures pa kasi mahirap na). We were watching the locals who were helping us din, kasi may mga nag-aattempt magnakaw (meron!)... at meron ngang nagbukas ng goods na hindi naman kanila. Hay.

Umambon-ambon, but I prayed to God na wag munang magpaulan, so other than a fine shower or two, oks kami...thank God talaga. 5pm na nung naipamigay lahat. Yung hygiene kits, 105 napamigay...nahiya ako kasi mali pala bilang namin, dapat 100 lang bibigay doon. 3 trips ang plan for all of us to get back sa kabilang side. I rode the last trip...so nalamigan ako at naambunan pa sa ibabaw ng bubungan bago nakabalik. Todo wash ako, alcohol and change of pants before we left the place.

On the way we made a stop at one house owned by a redcrosser, then nagsalu-salo kami sa Andoks litson-manok at bangus na may lamang sibuyas at kamatis. Enjoy naman kaso naparami ako ng coke after the meal so ang sakit ng tiyan ko. Hahaha. Kinabahan na ko dun pa lang kasi 730 na at nasa Rizal pa rin ako. Eh siyempre pano ko naman sila mapapamadali di ba... But then I talked to our driver, Sir Firstestone, who is more than what he seems.

On the way home, dahil nasa front seat ako, I told him that I was feeling anxious kasi dapat ako makarating ng uste ng around 9 para makasabay kay sahia at hindi magalit si mama. Later he offered to drop me sa Espana corner Lacson (much to my surprise). And I was given ample time to rest, change back to my rubber shoes and eat 4 pugo eggs on the sidewalk along McDo before I rode home with my bros. Thank God talaga for that help.

And thus my adventure. Grabeng pagod at consciousness sa germs, but then it was a great adventure. I met new interesting people. Dun naman sa pinuntahan namin, the officers there told us later that the people were so excited and some were crying kasi hindi pa nga daw sila nakakatanggap ng tulong. Walang kuryente rin to this day since Sept 26 pa, and yung water sa December pa daw totally mawawala. Grabe talaga yun. At kulang ang potable water na pinamigay namin...dapat sana per family may 6 gallons man lang. Hindi lahat nakakuha.

Anyway, there'll be more of that for me in the next coming days...

One Great Love

How could I have existed so long
Going aimlessly
Been there, wasted, gone all wrong
Imprisoned in my plea

My silent plea that hopes in silence
That there's more to life than this
I guess it takes humbling Godly sense
To figure what I miss

Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue
Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend

How could I have been so blind
When the answers have long been there
How could I have refused to mind
Your perfect, utmost care

You guided me through my lifeless years
Waiting patiently
You took my sins, my falls, my tears
All for the love of me

Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue
Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend

2 face-offs

I now know what scares me other than being thrown in a place where I know no one.

I went back to my old school to meet my SJ friends. Most of them greeted me with a friendly face. I was rather surpised when one of them- a very close friend of mine- asked for my assistance to help him cook a new recipe which he wanted to learn. Willingly I encouraged him to get on with in as I was ready to help him.

But as I asked for details on when and how I could help him...he suddenly became disinterested and soon left me without a word. I was hoping that he would come to his senses and return, but he didn't. It was as if I rejected him. But no, I really wanted to help him. Hayyy.

Later on...

I was sitting in a very small room where I sat down face-to-face with a person whom I consider dear to me. There was a single bed covered in white sheets on the right and a bathroom door behind him. Behind me was the exit door.

I was about to start talking with him when he suddenly had to excuse himself to go out. And out the door he went. While he was gone, I looked around and stealthily opened his wallet, expecting to see my picture.

My heart sank almost painfully as I found the space for pictures blank. I noticed a pile of pictures under one of the slits and in suspense started to browse them with a hand. I saw pictures of his many friends, but I could not find mine. I was feeling hurt by the moment. I did not understand how he could forget me in such a short time. I wanted to be remembered and cherished.

Just then I accidentally saw what looked like my picture well hidden in the opposite slit, but before I could check closely, my friend returned and I had to hastily rearrange the wallet.

He did not seem to notice anything. I did not bother asking him anything. As I was about to talk to him again, he excused himself to answer a call in front of me. Holding up a piece of paper with purple scribbles of computations and sitting on the floor before me, he told the caller, whom I also knew, "Pare, huwag ka nga magulo, makakasakit ka eh, hahahaha." Something like that. And he ended the call there to face me.

But before we could start discussing things, a girl with ruffled brown hair entered without knocking and went straight to the bathroom, but not before taunting him, "Matulog ka na lang kasi." Hahaha. To which he replied, "Ikaw ang matulog. Hahaha." And then another girl entered, whom I did not notice, but she also made for the bathroom and left as quickly as the first one did.

I looked at my friend, feeling hurt that he seemed to be taking me for granted with all these interruptions on my visit which was supposedly our bonding time together. I wanted to ask him a lot of questions, but the words would not come. I just sat there looking at him as he looked back with a passive expression on his face. I started to realize that I was making efforts to catch my breath as my chest started to hurt.

That's when I woke up, feeling my heart pumping fiercely against my chest. Tachycardia and tachypnea accompanied by substernal pain. I forced myself to breathe and regain full consciousness at once, for fear that I might have a heart attack if the stressful feeling of pain goes on.

Thus the fear of being...taken for granted..? Hehehe. I prayed for ease of physical symptoms and comfort of divine answers before I quickly composed this entry. I guess the Lord is presenting to me the challenge of putting my confidence in him and for my happiness to depend on him and his wonderful character and promises.

Well who wants to be forgotten anyway?^^ Hmmm...I ought to have more faith in the Love that will never leave me. Good morning!

I love lebron ^^

"May Bukas Pa"

hehehe

A memoir I will keep forever

Standing here, in Your presence

Thinking of the good things You have done

Waiting here, patiently

Just to hear Your still small voice again

Holy, righteous, faithful to the end

Savior, healer, redeemer and friend

I will worship You for who You are

I will worship You for who You are

I will worship You for who You are Jesus

My soul secure, Your promise sure

Your love endures always

My soul secure, Your promise sure

Your love endures always

My soul secure, Your promise sure

Your love endures always

Somnolent detachment

(I'm guilty of this...hehehe)

I flip through a book in the afternoon
The soft yellow rays shining in my room
I stretch like a lazy cat on my bed
Knowing past my reading what I'd be doing instead

Line after line, my eyes move in time
With the hum of the fan, playing like a rhyme
While processing the book content, feeling rested
My wakeful guard slips away, spinning my head

I fight the yearning of my eyelids feeling heavy
Urging them to read on despite losing quickly
Line after line and page after page
Blurs into nothing in my clouded cage

I flip through more slowly, my consciousness ebbing
Struggling through the hum of a lullaby fading
Losing clear sight of the faint yellow lighting
And in one final moment, losing grip and falling

Willfully giving in to my somnolent need
The defensive comforts of reality's deed
Making my escapade from the realm of grims
Surrendering into the loving snare of timeless dreams

...

When God tells me to wait

I hate waiting. It's part of my impatient nature. I am a person who is constantly on the go, wanting to fast-forward things, sometimes forgetting to enjoy the moment while concerning myself with moving forward.

But God is the boss of this cosmic show. And as the one who knows best around here, I ought to let him call the shots and take my cues from him. This is where the conflict comes in. My nature struggles against the restraint of steady faith and sure trust in the one whom we are always sure of.

One of my worst nightmares in this little lifetime is being domestic...stuck in a rut of tending the home, doing chores, washing dishes and delighting myself on a pile of laundry that never seems to disappear. Rest would include cooking, siesta and watching noontime shows and tear-jerker never-ending soaps. Well I can live alone and maintain my house, as long as I don't have to do solely those things. I want to be working outside the house too. Being stuck in a domestic routine burns me out more than any repetitive activity. Which is why I think I'm going to be a terrible mother. Hahaha.

Unfortunately in my condition now, especially with my career, God is telling me to put brakes on my impatience and wait on him.

What?! In denial, I haggle with him...though I know how futile this is... I'm 22, postgrad, a lot of life and opportunity ahead of me, licensed RN, lots of energy to spend on caring for patients and getting the much-awaited real-life action outside these walls...come on...when do you want me to begin, at thirty??!

But no. God wants me to wait.

I ask why...I told him I'll be waiting for his answer.

And I still don't get why I'm waiting.

After going round and round with rationalizing the incomprehensible, I just go back to the same (and only) clear reply I have for now: Trust God.

Grrr. Grrr. Venting my frustrations over unwashed dishes and the thawing batch of chicken wings that I'll have to cook for dinner, I fume over how I hate black holes in reasoning. But then fine, what other logical choice do I have but to wait on the Lord? I sense in such case how I am like a toddler, thrashing rebelliously on the lap of a parent who sees things better and saying NO and WAIT.

So fine, I will. Aaaa. This better be worth it, Lord.

...

Ah, what am I saying...this IS certainly worth it.