(free verse) lost

How you move my heart so much...
How you move me so easily...

And even if I don't like it,

I frown in delightful protest
And dive into your arms...

But you don't know because maybe you don't want to know...
I don't know... maybe you don't love me anymore...

But why do I feel like you've taken my heart in your hand...
And you can squeeze it 'til I cry...
But if I should cry, I would...
But not in front of you...
If it would hurt you.

I will love you, smiles, and laughter,
I will take you, tears and all...
I will embrace your brutal frankness,
Your gentleness...
Everything about you... I accept.

And if you really don't feel the same,
I will... fall away and accept
That I lost...
You

note of acceptance

My heart is breaking,
I'm catching my breath,
I am falling, sinking,
To my next death...

You closed the door
So gracefully
I shouldn't love you anymore
So finally,

I am saying goodbye
To this beautiful dream
My love's a bitter lie
You're not him

I should let go
Feigning a smile
Walk away and grow
Step away in style

You will never see
Within these eyes
You will always be
My heart's sunrise

It is not enough
To be your friend
But I will take it enough
For I am your friend.

i got my answer, and it's better than none

you are right... now is not the time, Lord... i should hide my mind and move away. i have to stop wanting something that is not mine... he is not interested anyway, and i totally get the point. and thank you for giving me such a good friend. that is better than nothing, right... so as to the question of to tell or not to tell... yeah, i got my answer finally... and it's sad, heartbreaking, but happy at the same time that it's easier to take because the answer is given. also, it's better and more merciful than none. personally i prefer this better than none. it's much friendlier.

but the art of letting go leaves to be done on my part. wake up, stop hoping in the subconscious, and move on to the real world. he's not interested. you must follow this... stop living in your dream like yesterday. learn and learn well...

submit to God and say thank you.

so, so, so sad

i am sad... no, it's not because of anyone. it's because of something i hoped for but never came. i thought it was my solution but no.

so sad... i feel so useless and stagnant with this situation. what do i do... exactly my problem- what do i do to solve this? for now i have no answer but sleep. but right now i feel queasy and i can't relax, so my eyes are open although i am really tired.

i am going to stop this now. lord, help me... tell me what to do, you're my boss for life.

i have limits and you don't. you know where this is going right... then encourage me and take my hand so you can lead me there.

to tell or not to tell...

I remember that time when we argued about our misunderstanding. You left for a weekend trip as I spent the days thinking about how to cover up my emotions so you couldn't see how sad I really felt. I thought I had to cover up because you told me that you didn't want me to be sad because of you. On the day we had met again, I acted like you were nothing special to me. It's more peaceful that way, I thought. But you reacted and told me how strange this was...and how you did not like this. My walls crumbled as I told you of my intentions...and how much I missed you.

Right now I am given a lot of time to think... and think. I miss you, you know... but I don't know how to tell you, or if it is even right to tell you about it. I am not sure of how to act around you, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable when I do tell you that I really, really miss you now, that my memories of you are so wonderful, that you make me feel so loved and precious, even from a distance of about 3000km away...

You are so lovely... it's like your beautiful mind is my private wonder world... and I don't mind getting lost in it... is it right to tell you all this? In such a short time, I know our relationship is very special... and I don't want to ruin anything by overdoing things... like telling you how I feel... (God help me... how do I throw this off...)

But you did tell me that I should just tell you anything at anytime, even just through the internet. I remember this. But... I am just worried that you might feel differently, that I may become overconfident, or worse, a distraction to you... God forbid!

OK, OK... I guess 'overcontemplation' is really my habit. Grrr. *frustrated*