Day 39

Past day 39 of my post-resignation season, I think the boredom is getting to me and I am wondering more than ever what will come out of this- me waking up anytime I want, doing household chores, cooking, playing guitar, dancing in front of the xbox console, contemplating of times that have passed, reading books, watching television and eating whatever snacks I can get my hands on. The worst would probably be waiting on all my hardworking family members to come home anytime...I mean I am usually comfortable being alone, as I am a natural introvert, but too much of it can be so boring... like having too much of a steaming mug of hot chocolate (which I am enjoying now).

This thought is keeping me awake at 12:30am now. Oh Lord. Please tell me what to do. 

Or maybe it's me being impatient and I should enjoy this. But not doing anything challenging really drives me nuts. I dislike playing the housekeeper role. It's something everyone is expected to do/ can do anyway... so mundane, so common... And I wonder why I have to go through with this...ayyyy obedience, is it?

To be continued... 

Sheep 100

What can separate me from you?

What can separate me from your love?
Who can separate me from you?
Who can separate me from your love?

All eyes on Jesus, on Jesus

I was lost and now I'm found

Was in fear, now safe and sound

All my life I had conformed

Now with you I am transformed

Face down and fallen to the ground

Humbled by your majesty

Your love has turned my life around

Your love has set me free
Jesus, Jesus

Who can say what comes tomorrow

Who can reason about yesterday

I fear nothing because I know

You hold me each and every day

What can separate me from you?
What can separate me from your love?
Who can separate me from you?
Who can separate me from your love?
All hope in Jesus, in Jesus

On true love

The thing with true love is, you don't always expect it to end up with you standing with  someone by your side. Sometimes it means standing alone. Sometimes it means walking away from something or someone you hold dear. Sometimes it means letting go. Sometimes it means getting over something and moving on with life. Sometimes it means holding absolute silence. Sometimes it means being loud. Sometimes it means holding on tightly. Sometimes it means stepping up. Sometimes it means stepping forward. And sometimes, yes, it means standing next to someone you hold dear, but what I mean to remind you of is that, that's not all there is to being really in love. And to know more about love, we'll need to learn from the Author who made Himself into nothing and loved us faithfully with the deepest love the world has ever known.

Wanting His Reason

Recently, I have been more than a little sulky about losing my shot at one of my most precious ambitions. It was a long wait before I realized that dream. It takes me a while to make my decisions, but when I do put my bills on something, I am not one to typically sit around and wait for the stars to fall on me. I am the go-getter who believes that good things come to those who go for it. 

But I was then stuck in this very profound disappointment. Why, Lord... I asked... for many weeks I had asked that, even with the idea that I don't deserve anything and I am at his mercy. I simply wanted his reason.

I realize that when God puts away one of our toys, He leads our eyes to notice a more suitable one... and I believe that whatever he puts in my hand, I'd be satisfied because He is more than enough for me.

Walkout

I'm sorry for hurting you the way I did

I regret telling you you're all that I need

In fact you're the only one in my heart

And I wish we didn't have to walk away, apart

Should I have held my tongue and strongly denied

Your heart that you offered with all your mind?

No, never! But now as I'm watching you leave

I wish I had said otherwise and refused to receive...

The heart of my love- your heart, your heart... 

You know I care for all that you are. 

My leaving is not just your loss, but mine. 

(But I've scanned the skies for more than a sign.) 

In the silence, my heart cries out to you:

I would not leave you if I didn't love you.

Not if I didn't know what is meant to be, 

Not if He didn't tell me to set you free. 

You say I'm strong so I let you go,

But I say He's strong, so I did let go. 

God knows my heart- and you know what's true: 

I would not leave you if I didn't love you. 

I would not leave you if I didn't love you. 

Lessons from Wikichurch

What I learned from reading Wikichurch:

1. There is no such thing as "mature enough" for any Christian. I believe that we are all in working progress until the Lord comes. Like the way Jesus had first sent the twelve, we are being given the holy commission to make disciples of all nations. Note that these men were uneducated commoners who were, by their social standards, not that significant. If I wait for the day til I reach that "maturity" that most people wish for, then I'm never gonna be ready. Why? Because growth can only come by obeying God and doing the holy work He has assigned to us.

2. Discipleship is a relationship, so it requires deep and patient understanding. Everyone has a unique walk with God. Not everyone can see or understand things the way I do. Even if we are all in the same faith, we are not- and will never be- exactly alike. I ought to concern myself with understanding the special needs of the people around me and keeping myself open enough to help them in God's love. Patience and understanding. And mercy. Hehehe. 

3. Discipleship must be fun. Some time before, one of my advisers asked me, "Are you having fun (with fellowship)?" I thought it was a minor thing...until I thought about it deeply and realized that I should not miss that significant point. All relationships must have a fun factor. Not all the time, but it MUST be pleasant and nurturing for all those engaged. Especially for Christians, this must not be missed. Oo nga naman. Saan ba ko nakakita ng "cute couple" na hindi masaya at kinikilig?

Sounds too basic? Yeah, but these are striking for me...makes me wonder... hmmm

That's it. :)

Lessons from millennial cults

Recently I read about some facts about millennial cults which sprouted throughout the world. Such knowledge is one of those "nice-to-know" types. I think we can learn from them.

So what is a millennial cult? Well as the term implies, these are cults that claim exact knowledge to the end of all life as we know it and the way to get to "heaven". As a result of their fallacious beliefs, they succumb to bizzare practices and generally lead strange lives while waiting for the date- the end of the world.

And that's what's striking about millennial cults. Even when there have been many wrong predictions (of course), still many people fall for them and fearfully believe in some special dates. History then repeats itself- delusive claims, zealous fanatics, strange rituals, failed prediction, severe disappointment, and then...it's either mass suicide or mass murder. The world has seen this happen over and over again, and it's always tragic. Generally it makes us feel sad, but it also makes us wonder- what is it in millennial cults that people would give their allegiance (and lives) for them?

1. Hope- I've heard somewhere that people lead lives of quiet desperation. Someone even disagreed by saying that we actually live lives of aimless distraction. I believe both are true for most of us. We live in a fallen world where people have a profound sort of loneliness that nothing and no one in this world can blot out or shake off. This dissatisfaction drives us to search for something more. Because the status quo is not "good enough" for any of us, our human hearts long for something beyond this, something otherworldly which might turn out to be the answer to our mysterious longing. No wonder we seek for bits and pieces of happiness in all forms- in new hobbies, new folks, new experiences, new places...and sadly, for some: new philosophies that set deadly trends for them to follow.

2. Escape- This is also related to our natural search for something more. Some people have stopped hoping. They just wish to escape this world. Some people drink, do drugs, or commit suicide. Others join special groups and live away from normal society. For these people, having a "new way" allows for them a graceful and special exit out of this world. It rids them of the same old boring routines that "everyone else" has grown accustomed to. It opens up a new world for them to be free to do things which are considered illegal, but are now permitted for them, thanks to their cohorts. Note that acts within millennial cults have been considered criminal in nature.

Being more aware of this now, what should be the right attitude of every believing Christian? I think we have to be vigilant and be firm in our faith. We should not feel astonished anymore, as if these events are at all surprising. It is true that some will fall away, as Christ had said.(Mt.24:10-11) How do we avoid that? We should hold on to the truth that is God's Word. We should always meditate on the Word and pray for the empowering of the Holy Spirit.(Ro.3:4)

And that is also why we have to joyfully preach the good news of Christ to the world...for truly, our only REAL hope is in the Lord Jesus our Redeemer. In Him every fear of the end is turned to rejoicing, because it will be a new beginning for every believer. As Christians we ought to be passionate about God's will, that the gospel be preached that people may be snatched from the clutches of eternal punishment.

Frankly I wouldn't give so much attention to the minor details of the end of the world, not when I'm excited about the major event- which is finally seeing the Lord face to face.

:)

"But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." (Mt. 24:36)

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Mt.28:19-20)

"Everyone will hate you because of me, but those who stand firm to the end will be saved." (Mk.13:13)

Significant Change

About two hours before my birthday, I am being reflective. Hmm.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

What has changed? And does change really matter?

I remember celebrating my birthday last year in a Korean eatery with an uncanny bunch- a mix of my Pinoy and Korean friends. One of them, who was my student, even bothered to buy a small, round buttercream cake tinged with gay pink food coloring. Thankfully he doesn't know that I dislike sweets, so after singing through the birthday rituals, well...I sliced the pastry, but I didn't take a single bite. Secretly. Hehe. Perhaps they failed to notice that past the bottles of white and red sparklers... but that's another thing. Anyway it was really nice. It was filled with well-wishes and the promise of another new beginning.

I guess just like on every New Year's Day, people want to start anew on their birthdays. (Or is this something I'm alone at?) On their birthdays, people want to have something to improve on. They want growth. They expect progress. Even with much verbal denial, I must say that I yearn for that as well. I think about it, too.

So back to my question- What has changed about me? And does it really matter?

For one thing, I feel that I have met a lot more failures than before, lost a lot more hair than before, and read a lot more books than before. Predictable. Taught more students for one more year, made more friends, and learned a lot more grammar points than the last year. Nice. Loved and lost, belonged to a church, and made a lot of fellows. Unbelievable. Learned about sanctification, experienced the power of the Holy Spirit, and knew more than ever, with all my being, that God loves me because of His goodness alone and not mine. Sublime.

Hmm. I believe that a personal time of reflection is necessary on one's birthday- not because the regular contemplation rubs off the novelty of it (come on, there's a need for personal quiet time). I think this is true because it makes us realize- with all the undeserved blessings of a prosperous life, and even THE undeserved life that we have- that we are all, simply, under God's grace. And that realization ought to make us grow more in love with the Lord.

I read somewhere that if I can say that I love the Lord more this year than the last, then in that sense I can say that I am truly progressive in my life- a living progress. I must say that having a deepening relationship with the Lord is probably the only really significant change in my life. Other forms of progress may die with the rest of the world, but not this constant growth that I have with (and because of) my Father. As long as I have Him, then I'll keep on counting my blessings. I'll keep on celebrating my birthdays. I'll continue blowing candles and reflecting tirelesly with each passing year.

So with all the failures, the tears, the mistakes... AND with all the success, the laughter, the accomplishments... Thank you Lord and happy birthday to me!

Of Stars and Marches

I am beginning to question my personal fascination on knowledge, which kind of borders on obsession sometimes. Sometimes. Some people find it weird...well, most people do find it weird, I think. I mean, how many people do you know are unable to sleep when some impersonal and trivial query pops spontaneously into their minds? Or, do you know someone who actually feels challenged because of some unknown fact that requires an answer?

As far as I know, majority of the world's population would know when to drop the subject (unless we're talking about some issues from the gossip column...which really doesn't tinker my fancy at all).

Anyway, I am doing my kind of monologue again, which is sometimes a habit when I do not watch myself. Hmmm... so with my intellectual fascination... 

Like the other day I discovered that the Twinkle Little Star original has seven stanzas and is not at all simple and repetitive. And it was a French piece... oringinally. I wonder why the folks in that era decided that this would be their chosen anthem for putting the little ones to sleep. I guess I would never really know what kind of deliberation had to take place just to have that song recorded and reproduced as one of the most well-known classics of our history.

Hm. Too bad.

Had I been there, I'd have voted for something more direct (with the lyrics going like, "Baby, I can see the stars, and that means you should start sleeping peacefully and let mom and dad sleep soundly as well.") and tone-friendly (for the voice range of the fathers, I mean). And why sing about twinkling stars? Why not the sun, which seems obviously much bigger and more obvious? (Uhm, wait- scratch that- sleeping time's supposed to be at night.) And WHO CREATED THAT SONG ABOUT CRADLE ACCIDENTS?! And mind you, back to the stars- they don't really stop shining- some people merely allow themselves to be deceived by the rotation and revolution of the earth. Limited views.

And on another day, I discovered that the overly played hit soundtrack every March of each passing year (take a guess)... yes, the graduation march booming endlessly in school auditoriums during commencement exercises in the Philippines...(and do you know that only the Philippines has that for a default graduation soundtrack?)...well, it's not really an oringinal Filipino hit. Really, it's not. Maybe the version is, but not ours.

The original piece was composed by some dude from the 19th century (Giuseppe Verdi, 1871). Some great Italian opera composer wanted to create an impressive march music for the second act of his grand opera (Aida), which gained considerable popularity in his era. The music is basically about a bunch of Egyptian soldiers going back home after defeating their Ethiopian assailants- in simple terms, a "Triumphal March", which is also incidentally the title of the piece.

So now... WHY (and I'm really asking)- WHY are we marching to this bloody victory music during graduation? Hmm... Is it because of the liberating aspect of the event with overly stressed students successfully submitting all the tests, projects, thesis defense, cake, ice cream...whatever requirements there may be?

Well, now...if that's what the wise guys thought of, then at some point they may have gotten it right. Hahahaha.

But that makes the students the victorious Egyptians and the teachers the defeated Ethiopians. Oh. Haha. Cool trendsetting. Brilliant. (I wonder how many members of the academic team found out about this interesting fact...)

Little stars and graduation march...I now wonder how many people experienced happiness over discovering these facts that do nothing to change the course of history. *applause* How many people wondered and used the open window (namely the net) to find out about these things?

Hmm... I'll never know and I'll just shrug it off. Not sensible. Yeah, that's true. My personal and voluntary pursuit of knowledge has no tangible, earth-shattering effect on the rest of the universe. But it does feel good for me- dose of serotonin. But back to my initial q before I forget and publish this without thinking- Why are some people so keen on finding out about things?

I guess I have to accept the fact that I am just wired that way. I believe that is the best explanation I know so far. Should I thank God for this analytical (sometimes over) wiring I got from Him? Oh yes, absolutely. Though sometimes it gets me antsy, well... there are diversions. And I ought to learn self-control.

Got to sleep. But before that, I really wonder- and I am not putting this case to rest- WHO CREATED THAT PSYCHO SONG ABOUT FALLING CRADLES?! I think now's the time to use that tagline- "Think about the children!" (or the babies, if you may- if we're being strict on terminology, ha...)

Shot down again

hmmm... silenced again!

really won't elaborate. i realize that lewis was really right to say that man is too easily pleased. the chasing after the wind is getting tiring. grrr. 

but it is a painfully good reminder not to put our hopes on anything except the Lord. 

Always Yours

Why can't it be?
Why can't it be the two of us?
Why can't we be...

For now I sit and ask and wonder... I wish I understood why... Oh Lord... why lead me to this path... I hate not understanding situations. I hate making hurtful decisions... Can I really trust you to shatter this pain?

That's a rhetorical questions... However I think, however I ask, struggle, go over every detail of certain matters, I believe I will always go back to You and Your perfect will that shall stand undefeated. I will always go back to You, my Lord who has never disappointed me. Not that it's Your priority... after all, Your glory is always first and You deserve it all.You deserve my whole life, my mind, my decisions...all for You. I came from you, and I have always been meant to be Yours.

Yes, I will always return to the Truth. You are all I truly have, Lord... I can only live by You.

White Flag

Composed on Jan.6... I realize that God can work mightily in those who choose to surrender... that is why the place of power is in the place of prayer... in prayer, we surrender...in prayer, we lay down our arms for God to work in us.

At the break of dawn, 

At the rising on the sun,

On Your holy ground,

I lay myself down.

Tired of running,

Tired of fighting,

Tired of always saying no,

Tired of crying, 

Tired of hating,

Tired of knowing I don't know

There is no use

Trying not to lose

When this battle is God's 

And you got to lose it all to God

Got to hand it all to You

Yeah I got to give it all to You

Lord here's my best

I'm saying yes
I surrender to You
I surrender to You
Yielding now
Kneeling down
Here's my will under Yours
Here's my heart under Yours
I surrender
I surrender