At sino naman ako para magreklamo?
I just watched Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ movie...violently portrayed yet as realistic as he can possibly make it to be...pero honestly may mga mistakes pa rin, like ung pinalo sa kanya, it's not just a whip- from expert speculation, ung ginamit dw dti ung handle na at the end, a bunch of ordinary ropes, pero may mga broken glasses at each end- so imagine the agony kung ihahataw sa bare back mo un...my goodness, sympre at evry stoke pati balat mo sasama...*shiver*
But that's not really why I'm writing here to pour out my emo (yeah, but whatever, this is my space here and I'm not hurting anyone with intention). Today ko lang ksi xa npanood. And sa totoo lang, I can very well understand why marami ang nakiramdam sa movie na to.
I cried with the scenes...di ko na nabilang, hahaha.
I initially found myself laughing a bit coz of course, I've known this story na long before, pero it's just now that I realized how much I haven't put into my heart yet. Well, my aunt recently told me na yan ang prob ko- I simply know God by head, pero I mostly forget to love Him with my heart. Yun bang, yes, I know Christ died violently- naresearch ko nga step-by-step how he died in the physiological sense. But how violently, I haven't really had a good insight through the eyes of my heart.
And thus, I am humbled.
Naisip ko, Lord, ako eto complain ako nang complain about what's happening in my life, na hindi ako macontento sa grades ko, sa parents ko, sa sinasabi ng mga tao about me...na sa failures ko nagpapatalo kaagad ako...na konting discouragement lang I stumble back with fear...na pag nagkakasala ako minsan nababalewala ko na lang...na hindi lang minsan na pinagdudahan ko kayo, pinagkaila sa madla dahil ako ay isang duwag...yes, Jesus- I am selfish, I am dishonest, I am a traitor, I am a sloth, a bad example, a disgrace to your glory, a hypocrite, a very disobedient girl, an envious brat.
Sometimes I don't know if I should even be rightfully called a Christian. I am so weak. I am such a doubter, na even sa mga graces na binibigay niyo nag-aalangan ako (especially my friends, na alam ko galing sa iyo pero natatakot ako magbigay, magshare...). I have been doing my own kind of vengeance to my father, and you know as I know that you see it all and you hurt. I am led astray by my own actions. You persistently pull me back, but I insist on being 'free' in my sinful ways.
Yes. I am...human. A natural sinner, among all things.
And yet...for all these things...this foul life I've been leading...you died. You came here, the incarnate, suffered in the hands of mere men whom you may have smitten if it was in your will, but no...you chose to die for me- and for everyone. You could have left man to burn in hell, but with all the love you have there...you still pick humanity up and let us choose to believe in your salvific plan. And no, that wasn't enough for you- you even led me to you in the midst of my suffering- I remember those moments, and I thank you for them.
Alam mo, I know deep within I've been praying to you...I know of my filth. I know of my unworthiness. I know of my sins. Lately naghehesitate na nga ako magkwento ng tungkol sa araw ko sa inyo kasi I feel so dirty...I feel like a slut who has allowed so much sin into her hands...
But on the other hand...who is worthy to be called good anyway? Nobody is innocent. Nobody is good. Nobody is holy, but Jesus, the good shepherd who is surely sinless but died a horrible death. He allowed himself to bleed so much so that we may know salvation as we have it...and have a chance to be with him in the next life.
Alam ko, you are not pleased with my actions. And I do not want to go on like this...straight to the path of ignorance, no Lord, you have given me wisdom and I would like to use it now to ask for your unending forgiveness. And you have said in the scriptures that I should not worry...so help me. Give me strength that I may fully lay down all unnecessary worries right there in the foot of your cross. Give me patience that I may be a light to others, be Christlike for others to be inspired...and follow you.
I know I will never be perfect, and I will have to constantly grow by choice. In spirit, be with me always. Make me hunger for you, thirst for your word so that I may know you...and let yourself be revealed to be everyday. Make me need you and yearn for you so intensely that I will not pay unnecessary attention to material things...for in you is true happiness, in you is true wisdom, in you is true satisfaction. Humble me each day as I seek to understand you more...that I may grow to love you in familiarity and faith.
Give me your insight in the midst of my daily persecutions...hear me when I call out to you if I should be your instrument for the salvation of others through the word. I know they know not what I live for, what I accept...what I portray...let me not fall into their taunting and influence. Let me remain in you wherever I go and whoever I go with. Purify my relationship with my brothers and sisters, whom you command me to love without condition...as you do with me.
Have mercy as I cry out for my loved ones, my family and friends so that they may know you...show them, impress to them your might, the truth that you exist to save...that it is only by knowing you well and having a relationship with you that we can ever be complete. No, not by grades, not with other people, not money, not expensive stuff, not a top career, not fame, not parental approval, not a professional title...only you, dear Lord, only you.
All this I ask in your name...Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Amen.
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