Anyway...
Since the weather's been getting cold lately with all the rain, it just feels good to lounge all day like a very lazy kitten. I now take a look at Lebron who knows how to do an impressive Garfieldish lifestyle imitation...he's just there on the cold floor, lying flat like a tricolor rug in shades of white, brown and black. He hardly ever stands nowadays, except for food and following my mother for a carry/hug. Miserable sack of fleas and cellulite. Hahaha. Happy birthday to that two year-old fleabag pala...today it is...May 18. Birthday nga niya, hahaha.
Meanwhile I just came home from my meeting with the youth members of the latest affiliation...Voice of God, which is apparently a Roman Catholic circle, but by some chance I got into it. It's wrong, since I appear odd (when I don't worship Mary and don't do the sign of the cross since it's not biblical and necessary) and I feel that I don't belong (with the already bonded group of mostly minors) whenever we meet up for activities, but I still attend with my fellows with the belief that there's a purpose why God put me in such a weird fix. Maybe I'm out to learn a very important lesson while staying with the bunch of kiddos. Or whatever...I'm determined to go on as far as I can...as the Lord permits me to. Parang nursing lang yan. Ayaw, and looked very unlikely, but now...*shrugs*
Right now I'm just sitting in front of the pc with mama. The time now's 12:45 in the morning, May 18. It's almost time for the three-day duty, which happens in the last week of May. I am still not up for the challenge of the operating room setup again. I am not yet ready to go back to the pressure...the mockery...the arrogant people...aaaaa. It's one of the many things I am currently contemplating about...preparing myself for...
On other things...
Affected...yeah, I guess that's one good word to describe how I felt just yesterday when I came across my friend's stat in friendster, which told me that after a good five-year relationship with someone, this friend of mine broke up with the other party. I strangely felt a deep feeling of sadness as I went through the sad friendster page, which told me everything. This college friend of mine is not even part of my barkada, but this fellow's the first friend I had upon entering college life (and she's still there as my forever group mate), so maybe that's why even though I cannot consider myself close to her, I got...affected.
Yeah...at least now I have a word for that strange feeling that shot me when the realization of her stat fell upon me...hahaha. Ewan. Buhay ng iba, nakikiramdam ka pa...ayyy...I just sent her a message to communicate my empathy.
Si Andrew, may sakit...ano ba naman yan, una ako tapos si Jrep, then si Drew...ayy ayy...hahaha. Weather change. Pero while ahia's trying to get rid of the fever by R&R, Jrep's just periodically enjoying the strong winds from his balcony, which is so high up...and I have to say that it must feel really good standing from there, so I'm admittedly envious of that guy, hahaha. Thank God he's feeling better now.^^
Now I'm just online, talking to my friend, si Maski...and just waiting for my ma to finish her paper works...she's just beside me...and I think there's just nothing better to do in the wee hours of this morning than to discreetly watch my epitome of a good ma work with silent diligence in front of the pc...love it, it's priceless...hahaha. Corny, pero moment tlg sa kin to...first time yta naming nagkasabay sa pc in such a late late hour...two am na pala. At this rate, baka pumatay pa ko ng scourge kung tatagal pa xa, hehehe. :P
But before that, I just want to contemplate...naisip ko lang na...am I really that trusting when it comes to people? Contrary to what most people have to say about that social attribute of mine, I seriously feel that when it comes to dealing with people, I have no one else to fear but myself...because I know that I am capable of being so soft, yet I can be so hard on others to the point of emo-psych sadism. Extremes...hahaha, so me. And applying the golden rule principle here, of course I hate that.
But I can sense such strong tendency that I have in treating people that way, especially towards people that I cherish and love...kaya nga minsan feeling ko I am not capable of loving anyone, even my friends, because I am afraid of hurting them when I cannot give them the love that I wish to give them. Hindi sa pagpapantay ng love na binibigay sa akin...that's not really possible, since we cannot measure something as abstract as love, but just to give enough...I don't know if I can handle it. I don't even know if I'm giving enough of it to make the people around me happy. Or minsan takot ko na baka masaktan ko sila...when I get hard on them in times of anger or pag tinopak ako, who knows what I'm capable of. Of course there's the exercise of restraint, but then...what if I miss that control and go overboard and...ayyy.
I guess I don't really know myself so much...kung kaya ko bang panindigang maging totoong kaibigan sa mga kaibigan ko...Minsan nga gusto kong tanungin si Jrep kung sapat bang ganito ang trato ko sa kanya...or what. Minsan gusto kong tapatin si Shane kung ayos ba ako for her...or not. Minsan pa gusto ko na rin ask si Yani. And so much more thinking...contemplating...but then these thoughts go nowhere but back to...am I doing good to these people? Hahaha. Basic, gasgas...but then...
And that makes me laugh and think of how having a bunch of friends now makes it seem inappropriate for me to have to present myself this personal doubt and even bring it out here, though of course this is my personal blog, but still...hahaha. Ewan. I just have that permanent defect of periodically speaking my mind out loud...writing out my thoughts as they come...though mostly senseless...
And somehow, this comes close as an unforgettable answer which may hush up all the noise in this restless head of mine...
"and i love raven, and i love peach,, and i love anni.. and i love saddy... and i love you...that's how it is.."- AC
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