After a long time, I am given a chance to quietly examine my life again. I know I used to do this frequently before, but after life became a blur in the fast lane, I just grew accustomed to what was there in the present and forgot to stop and stare at what I have at the moment.
Presently I am still hurting. Still wounded after 7 months. I want to believe that a lot has changed from the time I ran off to my eCost escapade (yes, I took a random night job to get away from the memories). Yes, there are a lot of tremendous positive changes. But even then, I am still unable to escape the consequences of my own actions. I can more readily talk of it now, which is a good sign, but I can’t help but wonder why I am still hurting and how I wish I can just take everything back.
But I can’t.
And what of God? Can I still discuss this with Him? I have gone through the notions with him, over and over in circles…and I agree very much with the reality that this is the result of my wrong choices, which is why I don’t want to lash out at Him and blame Him…I know He gave me enough ways not to succumb to such desperate moves, but I did and I know it full well. And I am supposed to be wholly prepared to take the punishment for everything...which is why I don’t want to tell Him of the pain. Maybe that is why I don’t want to talk about it anymore…maybe that is why I am okay with numbing myself from this, hoping like an unknowing child that it will just go away. In the first place, my first move was to run away when I could no longer handle it. But I did pray of it…I prayed for strength…I prayed for wisdom, which is why I understand it more and could handle it better than before.
Apart from God, I am nothing. I know that…and somehow I now realize that I might have turned into an empty shell without me realizing it…until now?
I don't know. Not yet...but I will understand... Lord, ...
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