The Last Straw (and more to come)

Yesterday I did something I'd never imagine doing until it happened.

I retailated.

For the first time in my whole life I shouted at my brother for slapping me right on the face just before my first Friday class in literature. He did it for a very good reason. I did something so immoral and so unforgivable that he needed to take it out on my cheek.

I simply left the car keys in the car and locked the doors by accident.

*shrugs and averts eyes* Oh, I'm sooo immoral...

Of course I'm being ironic about it. I say lying, cheating and stealing would have been a better reason for him to just hit me. Why can't he just stop hitting me?! Come on, if you can't afford a punching bag, don't use me as a substitute, you insensitive jerk!!! This decade-old domestic violence at home just has to stop.

Usually when similar incidents happen between us, I'd just sit back and let him walk off. But yesterday was the last straw. Not that it was the most painful physical assault he brought on me (he was worse last year, and the years before)...but because of this experience I had a chance to compare the intensity of physical attack versus verbal abuse.

With the experience, I therefore conclude that verbal abuse hurts me ten times more, especially when he knew very well where to hit me- that is, on the most vulnerable aspect of my total persona.

...

Here's an excerpt of my incident report--

Brother:*slaps me* Utak mo, nilalagay mo na naman sa puwet mo! 'tang ina...
Me: *surge of anger, points a finger at him* Huwag mo kong gagalawin!
*momentary pause as he drives*
Brother: Isulat mo lahat ng katangahan mo sa buhay mo...sigurado, makakagawa ka ng libro...gawin mo ha, para di mo na uulitin lahat ng katangahan mo sa buhay mo!

...

Of course a tear fell...and another...and another, but of course I had to swallow the fear and just walk into the class with my invisible 'I'm-such-a-happy-student-who-just-got-late' mask on.

Bshit talaga. I never thought I'd ever come to this point that I could fight fire with fire...it's futile, and yet...I resort to it.

Pride? Yes. But I have to get rid of it. Somehow...

But I'm still not talking to him. As of the moment he does not exist in my list of significant others.

*closes eyes*

Anni, don't let him make you a monster...