Just now that's what's happening. He's doing it again!!! He's making me feel useless like he always does even without knowing it. I fixed shrimps for dinner. I cut off the sharps, the whiskers of the dead crustaceans...Moments ago I even walked to the store four blocks away to buy ginger despite the fact that I have three straight brothers more capable of night errands like that. I clear the kitchen, I wash the dishes they left off their meals (after all, she's (I mean myself) gonna wash it anyway, right because she can't stand the dirty kitchen).
Well that's okay. I know I'm not appreciated. But that's nothing, really...until he began to criticize everything I did. My cooking is not as traditional as his cooking, but that does not mean I'm doing it wrong. Well, who am I to say it...he's better at cooking, he's more responsible, he's more popular, he's more loved in the family, he's more recognized, more appreciated...and so yes, no matter how bitter I get here in this entry with my furious jealousy over everything this person is...he can blame me for my bad cooking. His is better anyway. So be it.
I hate it. I hate it. He's always much better than me and I hate it.
I could not speak. I had to fall silent and take control over my temper when he started to shout and lecture me. Oo, tanga na ko...yeah, using that word for me as always...oh, why does it still hurt me...tanga tanga tanga...what's in that word anyway, it's just a word constantly used by my family to describe me and everything I do. Hahaha.
After I cleared the sink quickly, I rushed to the room, beside my aunt. I told her how I felt.
"...he's not my father, dammit," I ended as I punched the letters on the keyboard.
She sternly reminded me, "It's not about you and him. It's about you and your relationship towards God."
And I had to clear my head of the anger to reinstate myself. Yeah, in everything...it's not about him. It's about God, whom I should please. I am a child of God and should always strive to act like one. In order to act maturely, I should not let emotions like this anger carry me off to the shores of rage and saying hurtful words and grumbling...simply because God isn't glorified with these tendencies...these acts. No excuses.
And I am made to think how easily we can be swayed by anger...and how it leads to sin. Anger in itself isn't a sin. Even Jesus, past his entry to Jerusalem on a mule, became angry with the moneylenders and vendors of livestock offerings loitering all around the temple, which was supposed to be sacred. He drove them out...which is justified. Mine clearly isn't.
"Lord, teach me to love others, as much as you would have me love them."
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