I feel so darned sad. I feel that I am always rejected and just way off my league. I know the answers to these thoughts. But then they just won't go...I wish I could recover from this faster this time...
So venting's the way. Hehehe. Darn insecurities, anni.
Assessment: So what's wrong?
Simple answer: me
Complex answer:
Well, I dunno...really. I hate turning this blog into my mushfest, but then after a long time...here goes...ayun, sobrang mahal ko si kitot. And he loves me...he makes me feel at ease when I'm with him. As his friend, he cares for me. As a girl, he makes me feel that I don't have to try being anyone else other than me.
Kaso, kahapon...ayun, parang hindi ko alam kung ako lang yun, pero parang iba yung ease and happiness na nakita ko sa kanya when he spoke with a certain girl na friend na ka-course at kaberks pa niya na sabi niya friend lang naman niya, which I believe, since friend ko rin naman si girl and of course, sabi ni kitot. Kaso nadisturb ako kasi...parang ganun ang gusto kong makuha kay kitot...I fervently so so wanna elicit that response from him...dunno if it's just my hypersensitivity with what my senses picked up or I'm just full of jealous nerves...but he sure looked and sounded happy last night when they were chatting right there in front of me. Well, dati ko pa naman wish yan, na maging parte tlg ako ng mundo ng love ko, yung alam ko at makakausap ko siya sa mga bagay na nakaka-interest at nakakabenefit sa kanya...a big part of which is his work in school, sa college niya. I don't wanna be just a pleasurable distraction for him kasi useless un eh. Napaisip tuloy ako. Ako pagulo lang naman ako eh...ano bang naibibigay ko sa kanyang useful? Lots of trouble, ayun tlg. Hahaha. Lots of trouble and unwanted feelings. Parang ung sinabi lang niya sa blog niya na napag-usapan namin. I don't want to be a burden. But I love him so much. I want to always keep him happy and interested. I want him to feel at ease and be able to talk much when I am with him.
So what now? Well ayun, eh di lumabas na naman ang insecurities. Si Peach. I suddenly made an internal comparison with me and the available reference point...ung girl friend ni kitot. Onga naman. She's such a strong girl with guts. Ako insecure...nagtatapang-tapangan lang, nothing fresh. She's more interesting and fun than plain old me who just feels she's somehow competent with holding a pen and benefits intelletctually from other people's miseries (namely my patients). She's Chinese-pretty with conventional good looks...well, no comment na lang sa kin at hindi nga ako mukhang chinita, npagtatawanan pa ngang bakla pag nagbibihis at nag-aattempt magmukhang tao. She's a total girl...I'm struggling to convince myself that I am one. Hahahaha. She's younger...I'm just feeling it (come on face it, I'm nearly past my acceptable age of youth). Above all, she benefits and interests the guy with lots of stuff about work and all that- and I don't think I've done any good for what matters a lot for him, which is his school work, his career. I'm thinking of something I've given to make him fulfilled, but I can't think of any...masyadong malayo sa engg si nurse Teng. Asa naman akong makaka-engaage ako with him in such conversation for a long time, di ba...nursing, engg...sabi nila cliche, pero I don't buy that as truth.
So what now? Laban ko naman ito eh. I'm just jealous. Or whatever. Or maybe I'm just not enough for him when it comes to giving the best of what I can to make him happy. Really happy.
Ano ba talaga?
....
Well if I accept defeat, what am I to do about it?
Hahaha. I've cried about it. Even before I met him problema ko naman na itong mga insecurities ko. Haay.
I wonder if I should let someone else handle everything...love him...someone who could actually be with him and not be so much trouble for him, someone who's really beautiful and darned talented at billiards and table tennis...someone who can solve math problems faster than he can...someone who can finish happy hopper with him and not hit his hand all the time when they play dancemaniax...someone who can welcome him into her family and not feel discriminated...someone who could dress impressively and not be such a rebel sexist...someone who can carry high heels and glide on high notes in the karaoke room...someone...who's an engineer...and can sit with him for hours and be free to commute as she knows how...someone who eats a lot more than I do...someone...
But I want her to be me.
Siguro pag natulog na ko now I'm gonna laugh at these things in the morning.:) The heck, Anni...what have I done to you...
No comments:
Post a Comment