Fated Loneliness

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[03.20.2009]

I am not supposed to write about this…I know it in my mind. But my heart’s been swelling with agony, and I believe I cannot stand to be in denial for longer than today…and so I write.

It has been long since I’ve decided that perhaps, there are people who are destined to be alone. Once in my life I had accepted that I was meant to live alone, that it was not worth my time to make anyone really come close to be, because of course, companionship was not for me. Maybe that’s what made me subject myself willingly to a life of seclusion wherein life was simpler…but solo. No one needed to get bored with me. No one had to be patient with my bad attitude. No one had to suffer my jealous tendencies. No one had to make like a verbal wall and let me hit it until it gave way.

Then came the later part of my college life. Somewhere in my comfort zone I hoped that perhaps I was not meant to be alone. Since then I made friends around me…I loved them as much as I could. I gave all I could…I learned as much as I had to. I even thought at some point that I finally grasped the true meaning of what it meant to love unconditionally, to be faithful and trusting to others despite a lag in logic. Soon, with all the happiness of having a pack of fine-humored friends to engage hearty conversations, with all the thrills of having lunchmates among them…oooh, I loved that so much…and definitely, the life lessons they shared with me in small talks and personal tales…it wasn’t long until I decided to tear myself away from my old life slogan and gratefully fall into the merciful arms of companionship.

But the conclusion of my final year in college took a curious turn. I see myself as this blindfolded girl who walks through life with a lot of lessons yet to learn. During my happy college days I got used to the notion that if I perhaps stumbled along the way, all I had to do was to stretch out my hand and someone would quickly grasp it and come to my aid so I could resume walking.

But I am now in a phase wherein I believe that if I, as that blindfolded girl, now stumbled…not even the incessant calling of my voice, not even while I’m being trampled upon, and not even my outstretched hand can render me safe again.

My distress call has been up for two weeks, more or less. And I chose to ignore it. I believe that it is wrong to ask, “What about me?” when you genuinely want to see your friends happy. They all seemed to be doing well with their own lives.

I used to think I had these particular friends who would really care to know how I am...and make exceptional efforts to comfort me. I used to think I was finally that small tiny voice they'd yearn to listen to...and pay attention to. But maybe no.

And here I am, feeling like everyone’s dumped me. It’s me going back to my old notion that perhaps everything I wanted to believe in was a lie…that yes, yes…I am destined to be alone.

Oh…what am I saying? Perhaps I am meant to be alone, but after feeling good with companionship, I realized that it's better and that I don’t want to be alone. But now that here's the status quo, I feel the need to ask...did I not give enough to the people around me? Am I being selfish again? Have I not corrected this fault of mine? Do I not say that I love them enough?Am I being blind to the fact that most of them can very well be off with their lives better without me?

I guess only they know the answer. It is unfair of me to ask them. They won’t even tell it to my face when the real answer hurts. Anni, you're too much. Anni, you're useless to me. Anni you're...

So what now? The way I see it, I’m caught in between my old life (wherein the whole day is all mine) and the glorious life of companionship (wherein my personal space is too often breached…in exchange for assaults of tender welcome hugs and sweet cheek kisses).

Oh come on. Why not just make things less complicated? You’re simply destined to be alone, period. Nothing more.

They say that your greatest enemy is yourself…and it is the same with me. I somehow believe that most of what I’m saying now is rubbish. I know for a fact (or maybe not) that I should get a hold of myself and unlatch the door to the outside world of reality…or fantasy?

I don’t know.