Si Pilantod

Call it a serious case of inner child indulgence, but I was rather fascinated with this kid story book written by Yolanda Guevarra-Dolor. Si Pilantod: Ang Asong Tatlo ang Tuhod is about a brave mutt who yearns to prove himself useful despite knowing what the world has to say about him.

I don't really know what the big deal is with this tale... must be the cute graphics which I appreciated, or maybe the way I associated him with our dog, Lebron (ooohh the dreaded thought of 'what if Lebron had only three knees instead of four, poor baby...'). Maybe it's the endearing camaraderie of personified mammals and fowls...or the rivalry within (you'll have to read to find out more^^). While my aunt and mom insist that it's nothing special, I was drawn to the story like a child develops a fixation to a colorful candy store.

Hehehe...Anni's being a kid...

But don't be fooled by the cutesy animations- the main theme of the story is animal cruelty. And adding to the appealing points for me is its unpredictability.

The biggest impact came to me in the climax- the main hero saving the spiteful antagonist (oops spoiler, nyehehehe)- the canine saving the human who had tried to kill him and was then after his life.

Hahaha. I love it!

HBK-mania

The mania is definitely not over for me. I've been having the fever since last month.

I hope to see him and have my book signed...I want to tell him how much he has inspired me and how much I admire him. He's really handsome. Not all perfect, but he's right about him saying that he has been constant in his craft. I daresay he's achieved the same in his life, having accepted Christ and doing his best to be a good family man.

I hope to see you. Hahaha. Glad to see you're having a good life now. :)

Self-discovery is such an unpleasant journey

Just this week I realized that during these mellow months, I had the chance to look at my psychological mirror and get more acquainted with myself. It is not the most pleasant phase.

But I need the experience. I guess seeing more of me gives me quite an advantage. I am well aware that my worst enemy starts with S- the self. Know thyself, know thy enemy...that's how it goes...

So, what have I discovered so far? Two things:

1. I have a detachment tendency. Whenever I find something unfavorable, what I often tend to do is to retreat to myself in order to contemplate on it.

I am quite fond of contemplating...I spend a lot of time thinking, so much more than most people that even one of my mentors warned me that maybe overthinking could lead me to paralysis. And there is much truth to that. I find it hard to take my next action whenever I'm tempted to run away into my own thinking. Perhaps I ought to reconsider the amount of time I spend in brewing strategies in my head.

Next!

2. After reflecting on my career status, I finally realized today that the only activity/career that can be oh-so pleasurable for me is writing. Or at least it's at the top of the list. I want to be a writer. Maybe this accounts for a part of my frustration and... misery..? Naw, maybe just discontent.

Ever since I picked up my first P8.50 notebook in the mall when I was eight, I knew in my heart that this is what I would be happy doing. But then again, it's not practical. With the family issues going, I can't go thinking about myself first. (This is weird, my eyes are starting to well up as I type this)

And so under the influence of my mother, I started to smother that desire when I went to college... I think I did put out the fire for good. And now I feel like I'm really going nowhere...

Careerwise, am I really satisfied? Sure, nursing's been great...it's given me a lot of unforgettable experiences. Diving into business is also a smart move, but is it really my niche? My aunt said before that each one of us has a niche in this world. Of course our priority will always be God's pleasure, but it matters to know (and be in) the area where we function best. Maybe that's the reason why I've kept looking for other options, hoping to escape my current situation and go to where I naturally shine...or function, at least...

I feel useless.

Although it's today that I had this realization, I think that this all started one day when a good friend of mine who happens to be a good writer sent to me a link to her published works in a famous magazine...again. It's wrong to feel this way, but I have to admit, I am so so envious that I didn't even bother to read the article. I should be happy for her success, but why this heartache?

...

And now this. Well, self- you got me this time and I'm staring right back at you. Congratulations.

...

The Hotstepper Needs 2 Step Aside

Entry ryt off my cp-

I fl lyk haf f my heart s being ripped ryt out f my chest. Parang bubble gum na nstuck sa buhok, then you try 2 manually get it off..pero madikit e, and it hurts as you pull harder.


Hmm. This is d secnd instance dt iv flt ds kind f pain. As i rflect on ths situatn im in, i begin to see that perhapz ds is how mothrs typicly fl wn their sons devt a rlatnshp wd anothr 'sgnifcant othr'- that is, their partners in lyf. Or myb wd fathers 2 their daughters. Yung flng na npapalitan ka na. Parang black n wht picture sa picture frame. Parng pudpod na tsinelas na sobrng nipis na sa gamit. Parang ung bansot na mongol 2 pencil na ndi na maitasa nang maigi. Malungkot...ito ang mga sitwasyong hnihngi na ng panahon ang pgbbago. Kaht ayaw mo pa, batid mong sadyang kumakatok na ang pangangailangang makibagay at hndi mo na maiwasan, tulad marahl ng bumbay na naniningil na sa utang...o ang ngbabadyang sarap ng pagbahing. O ang nararapat na pagtabi- that is, to step aside, in order to allow a son's/daughter's/friend's significant other 2 pave his or her way 2 his or her side, and with much hope, his or her heart as wel. Yun kasi ang dapat. Parang sa punong manga- a vry important factor for growth is to ensure ample space.


I knw that. Bt i can't help but fl this way. I am sensng dt i am at a stage of trying 2 accept the reality of life's changes. I do realize dt i am easily affectd by parting in various forms...i gues ths is just one f such 'goodbyes' that i hav 2 go thru, on account f d unspokn agreemnt dt there is the risk f farewell-anytime in each rlationship dt i open my door 2. Aftr ol, in social rlatns, like in evrythng els in ds wrld, change is inevitable. We ought 2 live whle cnsciously being aware dt ol is dynamic.


So thus my sadness...bt i knw il b (and i hv 2 b!) able 2 accept d changes soon enuf, mainly for the rlational benefit of othr people. As an aftrthought, buti na rin yun- this just opens my eyes all the mre 2 d fact that nthng lasts forevr, evn rlationshps wch im afraid we smtimes hold 2 dearly. Cme 2 thnk f it, God is our sole Lover who can last as long as the rlationshp He shares with His children. I am being rmindd by my situatn dt as long as i hv ds dvine rlatnshp 2 hold on 2...i nid nt fl lonely or any less of myself. I hav evrythng in the Lord whatever comes (or goes) my way in this life.

An argument for abortion (just a nocturnal buzz in my head, thank God...)

While pondering on the greatness and majesty of God a while ago, I was led to think of how He can do just about anything in a divine snap of a finger...even easily decide to cease my existence in this world at His will...

But He doesn't.

Why?

Because He loves us. (I know it sounds cliche, but He DOES.)

And as the part-time logician, I probe...

If He loves us that much, then why not just un-create us all and just get on with His Lord-of-the-universe program? After all, He knows how the stench of evil has screwed us pretty badly and enabled us to come to crooked conclusions and bad decisions. He knows, more than anyone else, that humanity is mostly overrated, and whether we acknowledge it or not, fact is, sucking at life is second nature to us, even as we claim to be "civilized," "refined"...remove the earthly decors and we're all similarly reduced to nothing but filth (or I can mean dust). If He truly loves us, why not spare us of the seemingly boundless queries and sufferings of this speck-of-eternity living and just...you know, make everything perfect again and move on to the good part of the book- the happy ending..?

I'm sure the likes of Lewis and Yancey would have enough answers to weave a book or thesis for this (which they have already done). Even I would be cheering them on. But I'm not exactly here to arrive at a definitive answer on the mysteries of life (God knows I...yeah, exactly- God knows!). Rather, I want to think of this as a clue that leads me to a sensible argument as to why I would never allow abortion to be performed on a baby that is sure to be born to this world with physical defects or illnesses- congenital anomalies as confirmed by clinical tests. Technology has enabled us to diagnose such conditions pre nata, and as this opens windows to novel ethical decisions to ponder on, I think it is imperative for us to seriously consider bringing up Godly arguments founded on wisdom. Not that I'm aiming for "think ethics, save the world!" strategy- but it's an important step if you consider how many people would gradually have access to such state-of-the-art tests and would need to contemplate on such matters involving an unborn child. 

So here's what I came up with based on mooning on God's greatness just a while back tonight:

Kung si God nga hindi tayo magawang ubusin kahit kaya Niya, tapos tayo... What I'm saying is that, if God has a reason to keep such feeble beings like us alive (and I'm sure it's a VERY good one, as we know how stupid, how sinful and spiteful humans can be)... what more in allowing such babies (who are just probably one limb plus or short) to taste a breath of fresh air and live?

I know some well-meaning parents usually take into consideration that they wish to "spare the baby of a life riddled with physical pain and self-pity" that they'd pull a conclusion out of the black top hat such as: Hey honey, let's just not put a sentence through- let's put a dot to the lifeline- period! Why? It's more simple not to think about it and just get on with it, sort of like how they do it in a, say... a doll factory's quality control area- if it does not match the production standard of "normalcy," throw it in the rejects and try again! (In this process of segregation, we ought to consider how the value of life is being horribly reduced to the level of...well, dolls.)

I am aware that I am stepping on several toes here...but I plead everyone to open their eyes a bit more to see beyond what is, in human standards, acceptable. I believe that humans, imperfect and foolish as they are, are not to entitled to dictate who sees the sunlight or not... if baby hits a boo-boo in the genetic lottery, well... let him win it- and live! If God lets him pass, let him. After all, the chief end of man, although most would believe otherwise, is to glorify God in his existence. And we don't need to pass a complete physcial exam to do that. We don't need to complete a treadmill run or make it through a 5k race to glorify God- that's just a small fraction of the many, many, MANY possible ways we can do so. And for those who would not think so-  Who is like the Lord? Who owns His thoughts and ways? Who knows what is good and what can glorify Him? 

Let THE Creator decide on the matters of mortality (I meant the double entendre). Take that, abortionists.

Good night!

Lord, I don't want to drown...

After a long time, I am given a chance to quietly examine my life again. I know I used to do this frequently before, but after life became a blur in the fast lane, I just grew accustomed to what was there in the present and forgot to stop and stare at what I have at the moment.

Presently I am still hurting. Still wounded after 7 months. I want to believe that a lot has changed from the time I ran off to my eCost escapade (yes, I took a random night job to get away from the memories). Yes, there are a lot of tremendous positive changes. But even then, I am still unable to escape the consequences of my own actions. I can more readily talk of it now, which is a good sign, but I can’t help but wonder why I am still hurting and how I wish I can just take everything back.

But I can’t.

And what of God? Can I still discuss this with Him? I have gone through the notions with him, over and over in circles…and I agree very much with the reality that this is the result of my wrong choices, which is why I don’t want to lash out at Him and blame Him…I know He gave me enough ways not to succumb to such desperate moves, but I did and I know it full well. And I am supposed to be wholly prepared to take the punishment for everything...which is why I don’t want to tell Him of the pain. Maybe that is why I don’t want to talk about it anymore…maybe that is why I am okay with numbing myself from this, hoping like an unknowing child that it will just go away. In the first place, my first move was to run away when I could no longer handle it. But I did pray of it…I prayed for strength…I prayed for wisdom, which is why I understand it more and could handle it better than before.

Apart from God, I am nothing. I know that…and somehow I now realize that I might have turned into an empty shell without me realizing it…until now?

I don't know. Not yet...but I will understand... Lord, ...

Sleeping.

Shhh. Somnolent detachment mode. It's been 18 hours since my last sleep (which only lasted for about 4 hours). I'm drained...

After a movie moment and a feeding frenzy composed of bulalo, coke, choco donut with colored sprinkles, chicken curry, cheese popcorn, potato chips, minute maid orange, mc double cheeseburger, coke, water, joey pepperoni pizza...*burp* I am sleeping. (Hold the main event, folks (pork adobo with egg)- I just need to rest.)

Hahahahahahaha.

Lov y'all. Happy mother's day. :)

Rantfest

I feel like I am doing something wrong with this love of mine with God. I am not so sure. Darkness is closing in. It seems like I am not being more of Him each day. Or maybe it's a personal disappointment on expectations never met. I want to love God and be more Christlike each passing day, but I feel like I'm not doing enough to achieve that, and as a result, I feel that I am being pushed in a downward spiral- and I seem to be powrerless to stop it. I am starting to question myself again...my faith...is it really worth my time? Should I go be the Christian rebel, blasting against the current, or just break the pressure and go with the ocean? Being critical about my spiritual life...that was how I was. I prefer to think that it's another side of mine, another person that I choose to put on death row each day. But why this now... I don't want to go back...if that means choosing to become a fool for Christ, then I'd rather have that please... the 'foolishness' of God is way way better than the smarts of man anyway, as far as I know.

But what is happening to me? In my inner room of solitude, I am compelled to think of going back to the edge and living my savvy life, going solo... contemplating on life's queries as I please... but I go back to the truth that I know for sure:

Do I have the answers? Who is truly in control?

God help me. You know the drift, Love... if I'm on to something harmful or wrong, You stop me. Please. Why do I feel like this love is dying on me? But You know that I love You...feebly as compared to how You love me, but I try... If it's not enough, MAKE IT SO IT'S ENOUGH!

...

As for other things-

Quitting on mid-May- Definitely out for it. Lord, going for your game plan...
Hospital job. No idea, but going for it with faith.

10 random things

1. I'm just asking God to saturate my sulcus and gyrus...so that I may be more like him each day. I can tell from ym journal scribbles that it's my #1 current desire...I just want Him to tell me what to do and how to go about my career and my dealings with my family...that I may find my strength and wisdom in Him...I wonder if I can go the distance this year..? Have I really made a change that will glorify Him? Do I think and make decisions based on His understanding? Have I grown to trust him more than last year? I don't know for sure..but I do know I want to be more of what He wants me to be.

2. I found a strange but warm realization as I came home from work one day this week. I felt unusually charged up and cheerful as my family screamed and beat each other in games of Nintendo Wii. Ang ingay. It's a refreshing hype apart from out previously busy months when we'd be away from each other most of the time due to varying scheds... The time we had together...which for a while felt so alien to me as it's been a long time since I've felt it... it just poured in an immense measure of blessed happiness deep within my soul...somewhere down in my heart I know I've been wanting this...and I have it here for a limited time... Sa sobrang tagal na atang hindi kami nagkakasama nang ganito sa bahay, parang kakaiba na hindi ko agad naipaliwanag. It's positively different when everyone's in the house- my ma, my aunt, my 3 brothers...this is my family. This is my sense of 'home.' Grabe, what a blessing... And after a long time, it seems, I've never felt this eager to come home...to cook...to clean the house...(is that really me talking..?)^^ But then on the side, I wish I wasn't working during the holidays...I wish I had more time to rest and spend with them...I'd beat them at golf and bowling, I will! *frustrated* but I have to go to work...tsktsk...

3. Skip Beat's taking over my days like a storm in sunshine! I love skip beat! I could not stop reading it! It's about daring to dream of something more, especially when everyone else says you can't and you won't. It's being the unexpected when confronted with the unexpected. It's pushing against the waves of dull common sense when you know you just got to give it a shot before deciding to accept going with the waves and moving on...hoping somehow to create ripples which will start a tidal force that will sweep out successfully against the pacific current. In simple words, it's about this sheltered girl who suddenly realizes that someone she loves betrayed and played with her- and to exact vengeance, she pursues showbiz to beat him at his own game (he's a singer). At first it's just a battle of pride...but later she realizes her love for the craft and finds her own voice in the midst of her wonderful new world...

4. "I'm worried about your health," my brother told me just yesterday as I walked around the house to clean and cook. It meant a lot for him to say that, as I am strangely motivated to pay attention to my physical wellness. All the more reason to quit my job asap, as it's undeniably taking a toll on my health- and I know it.

5. Lately I felt betrayed by two of my friends who chose to feel 'bad' when they heard a rumor about me. Someone spread the talk that I was going to just disappear from the workplace- which is obviously not true. Had I not randomly told them about feeling unhappy about someone spreading false gossip about me, they would not have come clean with this issue and told me how they felt. ("You know that's why we were slightly irritated by you recently..!") Ouch. Honestly, you guys...I expected you to have had more faith in me...fact is, I would have felt proud of you had you confronted me with the issue at once. That would have been much better. But no...you just reacted right after hearing it through the grapevine...just like everybody else. And that hurt. I know I have to tell you about this...just to make you realize and thus grow from it. But I don't know if it's even necessary and I can't even earn the guts to tell you as of this time...maybe because I'd cry...Well, it's a risk taken for expecting more than zero from you guys...partly my fault too.

6. I didn't want to admit it before, but I now have to acknowledge that I am currently developing a chilidish affection towards Mr. J, who's always stood for me despite my peculiarities which most people would typically brush off as weird. He treats me as importantly as his friends, despite our obvious differences. Well he's a guy so he's rowdy most of the time (and I think that's rather weird for someone about seven to eight years my senior), but I don't mind...he takes the effort to understand and listen to my opinions. And he doesn't mind sharing a few laughs...lots of real tactics in business...and food. He's so cool! And he respects my fashion...my principles...my tastes...my limits. I can't help but just draw closer to him. I just want to communicate with him through the day, whether it's about serious business or just some crazy idea. Yeah, of course he's got that other side of himself...the dark side which he never denies. And the fact that he admits to having that, I like him a lot more.^^ He's not as pretentious, insensitive and narrow-minded as most guys I've met... maybe it's his age... *shrugs* But I guess everybody else never figured how I really gush with awwws when I sweetly tell him that I hate him. The glance and the smile that I throw him gives it away...I hope not too much as to be misinterpreted.

7. I composed this as a response to my own state of getting too caught up in my own world: "There IS a bigger world out there. It's just up to us to decide whether to pass upon it in quietude...or to crash into it with flair!"

8. Currently I need lots of sleep and I want to drink black gulaman in Siomai House. Grrrr why does it have to be closed this weekend...T.T

9. I had the chance to engange in a heart-to-heart talk with my closest cousin, Shane, who's currently finding herself in the dark...I can sense how her heart's twisted in pain and confusion right now. I am figuring it's because of a hurtful incident from last year that she didn't somehow find closure or resolution for. I tried my psych skills to bring it out in the open because I felt she should stop denying it- it's poisoning her system and destroying her sanity. I advised her on how to cope well by gradual desensitization. I think she should dare to confront the memories...and ultimately the incident. I also told her the need to forgive herself...as I felt that unconsciously she's stabbing herself repeatedly for partly taking a wrong turn (it happens, dear...). Most importantly, I stole the opportunity to pray for her...only God can heal. *hug* I love that girl...I hope she knows.

10. Zion's grad was wow. It sure got me inspired as well to get a move on in my nursing career...I suddenly had that nagging feeling that God intended for me to reminisce and witness the event, if only to remind and motivate me to go for what I'm desinted to be. Nevertheless, I unusually felt happy and proud for him for having made it that far. I felt honored to have been invited...though at first hesitant because I didn't want to come off as some proud... Anyway, I think he deserves it. Aside from that, I found the company of his family rather warm...though brief. Ang cool nila, hehehe. And I confirmed one funny thing about this friend of mine...yeahehehehe... *mysterious silence* Too bad I had to slip away too soon and snooze for my night shift. I wonder when I'll be able to see Zi again...he was arranging a camp for this weekened...I'm sure it's going fine at the time. God bless him.^^

Gusto ko... (whims of a kid)

(continuation of my groggy pen trip...took me a while to decipher some words kasi ang likot ng sulat ko, hahaha)

Gusto ko Lord Ikaw lang. Puwede ba yon? Para hindi na ko nalulungkot tsaka nag-iisip pa ng kung ano. Para umiwas na rin sa mga kalokohan. I love You so much, sometimes it hurts because I feel I don't know how...but bear with me as I do want to learn how to love You truly, more and more each day...to my last breath...I want to glorify Your Name in the possible ways I can do and can be. Teach me how to love You fervently. Lead me...my only love. If I stray, lead me back even if it means carrying me home.

...

After writing this down, I'm confused as to what I really thought of...it's perplexing...

Only You

(totally random...i wrote this in groggy state just before I fell (literally) asleep)

...somehow I feel that when I let myself drift off with my pen right before falling away to dreamland, my innermost desires expose themselves and spread willfully over my journal as easily and as clearly as a reflection of my face is revealed on the surface of a body of water when i turn to face it...

and i do believe this IS my desire...

I want You to be my only thought
My only pleasure to the depths of my soul
I want to be lost in the home of Your embrace
Jump into Your arms, not holding back
I want to fall all over Your clear blue sky of promises
I want You to be my only love

Only You, only You
I believe in the perfection of You
As You lead me to understand
The beauty of You and me
I can't ask for more
Only You

I want you to be my solid reason
My sole conviction to the corners of my mind
I want to revere you, trusting Your justice
My wings of hope in the unfair life
I want to fly on, be great because You are
I want You to be my only love

Only You, only You

I believe in the perfection of You
As You lead me to understand
The beauty of You and me
I can't ask for more
Only You

Mold me into Your likeness
As I can't figure me out
Shape me and set me as You gladly will
As only You can
Only You, only You

Always

(feel ko bitin ito... anyway, random posting on an uneventful afternoon...haven't slept for today yet...but I can't help but just write this down! Overwhelming God! Inspiring God!)

Never thought there ever was real chance of change in me
Never minded being lost in laws 'til you said 'follow Me' 
Never thought You'd make Your Son my penalty for my sin
Never knew a compassion so pure until you came right in

Your holy awesome voice of love broke down my wall of fear
Exposed me to see Your lasting light, beckoned me to come near 
Close enough to have You hold me in Your arms of grace
Close enough to restore my broken heart that lost its place

My soul at peace, my faith upon the Righteous One You sent
How can I explain the joy of this mysterious moment?
Reason falls short, silent this time, before your majesty
My lips sing praises as my chains are broken, for You have set me free

How often shall my singing go? How often shall I pray?
Always, always, always, Lord! Forever and a day!
How often shall I rejoice and seek to know your perfect way?
Always, always, always, Lord! Forever, everyday!


Just one thing

Emo-ness is a tendency; happiness is a choice.

But why am I not convincing myself to feel and be happy? Yeah, I'm not too thrilled today...

But what's new? Life's always a battleground, right? It's a day-to-day trial and error process...either you duck, you hit the target, you conquer...or you get forced on your knees...or get shot down from the skies.

Hmmm...I think I currently got shot down...spirits low...losing it halfway...

But then in the midst of the chaos that I'm in...I know I just have to rise...the Lord, my Lord comes to mind and I think about all the wonderful promises He has for me...how His attributes are beyond measure and surpass our understanding...how he's closer to me than anyone else can ever be, especially at my lowest moments.

And that somehow brings on a faint glow of comfort in the midst of this cold lonely night.

Laugh trips and quotable quotes

Just last Saturday, Jrep, Bech, Bequa, Pau, Andrew, Tela and I had a chance to celebrate Bech and Bequa's graduation by going out together to eat dinner at The Spiral at Sofitel, courtesy of Auntie (Bech's mami). On the way, Jrep Tela and I were tasked to grab a bottle of Bailey's for the festivities of the grad girls (at Pau's prompting, sa 7-11 daw meron kaya naghanap naman kami).

7:30-8:00pm
Jrep (driving): Ui, san ba may malapit na 7-11 dito?
Tela: (instructions): Jan kaliwa ka meron jan...

*after 2 7-11's and still no Bailey's...
Me: Tara, let's go...late na tayo...nakakahiya sa mama ni Bech.
Tela: Mukhang wala na tayong madadaanan na 7-11. Sa Blue Wave kaya?
Me: Sige try natin dun...
Jrep: Kung wala talaga, dun na tayo sa MOA (Mall of Asia) bumili.
Tela: May 7-11 ba dun?
...
*silence...then laughter*
Me: Hindeee, sa supermarket!

Wahahahaha.

You go Tela!!!^^ Hahahahaha!

....

Which now reminds me of a time when I and my RLE mates back in my UST days were talking at Rosarito St. (perpendicular to Dapitan) with servings of tusok-tusok and bottles of carbon, sucrose and water...

*musing about going away on a trip to Laguna...*
Me: Eh pano yung budget? Magkano ba kailangan?
Chloe: Yung place libre na yun, papaalam ko lang...
Kat: *joke mode* tsaka yung pagkain e di magluto na lang tayo, yung tulad nung surprise bday party ni Alex, yung puro Best Buy...
*laughter*
(baka ang ibig mong sabihin SM Bonus...anong kakainin natin, intermediate pad?!)

Wahahaha.

I miss my RLE mates...

Pinalalayas na ako (again). Hehehehe.

Yesternight I cried myself to sleep in a dark room. (For those who know me, I don't even have to tell you how uncomf I feel sleeping with lights out.) I guess even sleep or the dark can't hide you from the reality of conflict. And heartache.

Nevertheless, life is getting better for me, I should say. Much of my common life rantings are scribbled away in my journal and God knows how much I can rant. But the more important thing for me is to know always above every oppression and every hurtful word uttered against me that God is my security- and nothing else!

Oo, masakit na awayin ka dahil nagbabasa ka ng bibliya (kailangan ko nga magbasa kasi likas na salbahe ako), dahil hindi mo magawang ibahin ang istilo ng buhay mo na maiayon sa alam mong mali, na isisi sa iyo ang kaibahan mo sa lahat (hindi daw nakakasimba yung mga tao dahil sa akin)...na mapagalitan at mapaiyak ka kasi pilit kang pinipigilang magkaganoon (nagbabasa ng bibliya na alam mo namang pareho lang sa binabasa nila (yung kanila nga yung may dagdag), pero kahit na daw, mali pa rin daw yon)...na halos isumpa ka dahil sa isang natatanging desisyon na hindi nila mabago (Sabi niya, "pinalaki kitang katoliko, tapos ganyan ka na ngayon!" -wala naman akong sinabi kundi Kristiyano ako).

...

Ewan.

Alam mo nay, mahal kita pero tulad ng sabi ko, iyan ang isang bagay na hindi ko isususko. Sabihin mo nang lagi kitang kinokontra sa lahat (hindi ko talaga alam saan naggaling yan)... hala, sige tatahimik na lang ako. Pero sana naman pagdating sa bagay na iyan matutunan mo naman akong igalang. Tsaka ano ba...you get so angry with me reading the bible...why not read it and tell me, just tell me- what's so wrong with it? Pinapalayas mo ko dahil nagbabasa ako ng bibliya? Oh, come on...

Hay shhh...Maglalaba pa ko.

Like I told you, life is more beautiful...because despite the tears, I know being a Christian is worth it. And thanks to my ma for making me realize that.

My 501st entry

Yey...it's been a good blogging year again...
For my 501st entry I am pouring my heart out here with a piece from my journal which I feel is my best so far in a long time...

xxx-Unsaid-xxx
02.09.10

In the dark and the quiet of my soul
Etched therein a cold black hole.
Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,
Within this solitude I choose to hide:
The songs unsung, the words unsaid,
The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Like,
I wish I could see you once again
And perhaps a smile can let it begin:
The love and joy we had before
While repainting our canvas of dreams in store.
We’d stroll all day like there’s no tomorrow,
Give in to any dare like there’s no saying no,
Play dancing from mild mode to wild to extreme,
Then sit for iced frappes with extra whipped cream.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul
Etched therein a cold black hole.
Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,
Within this solitude I choose to hide:
The songs unsung, the words unsaid,
The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Like,
I wish again you could stroke my hair
And make me feel loved in the depth of your stare,
Give a message of cheer, or hold my hand
Or best make a lousy poem of your brand.
Or no, don’t give me any of such romantic warmth,
Just love me beyond words and hold my heart,
And the promises you made of a friendship for life,
And the truth that I love you for all of my life.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul
Etched therein a cold black hole.
Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,
Within this solitude I choose to hide:
The songs unsung, the words unsaid,
The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Like,
I wish I had heard me singing today
And felt the entire message I had to convey.
I wish I knew then how it was to disobey,
Then I might have refused to let my convictions sway,
Prevented wrong emotions to come into play,
And saw you as you are- my source of dismay,
Then I won’t be slow dancing as the damsel in despair,
Nursing a heart that’s almost beyond repair.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul
Etched therein a cold black hole.
Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,
Within this solitude I choose to hide:
The songs unsung, the words unsaid,
The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Like,
I wish I could turn around and ask you why
Why lure the tears to come with a beautiful lie?
And one random day, just leave me behind
With this lie which caused me to lose my mind?

To this day this nightmare is what I know.
If this isn’t real, come back, says so!
Come back and undo this unbelief,
Free me from these chains of my deepest grief!
You know I’d still have you if you’d come back around,
If you’d turn around and hold your ground.

If not, don’t come back and paint everything red,
For I’d rather have the truth- and these words unsaid.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul
Etched therein a cold black hole.
Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,
Within this solitude I choose to hide:
The songs unsung, the words unsaid,
The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.


Yes,
I’d rather bleed and write and bleed
Than to run back to the lie that you’re all that I need.
I’d rather hurt now than feel deceptively free,
As I know who’s at fault- it’s you and me:

You for knowing less than the best,
Me for meaning to flunk this test.
You for knowing my lover’s touch,
Me for meaning to love you too much.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul
Etched therein a cold black hole.
Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,
Within this solitude I choose to hide:
The songs unsung, the words unsaid,
The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

And,
I wish I could make this wrong go right,
But how can I when you’re out of sight?
I wish you would have me back again,
But…love’s not caring every now and then.

Perhaps run after me once you’ve grown up..?
But if we’ve grown up, then…I might say, ‘Stop.’

In the dark and the quiet of my soul
Etched therein a cold black hole.
Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,
Within this solitude I choose to hide:
The songs unsung, the words unsaid,
The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Sometimes I yearn as a desert longs for rain,
To ask how you are…and forget the pain.
See, I love you still…but, ah…forget the game-

You’d still love me…and leave me…just the same.

Now don’t come back and paint everything red,
I’d rather have the truth- and these words unsaid.

Bright Lights Ahead

Just a while ago, I was immersed in my own thought of the past. I thought of my mistakes, my failures...and supposed...

What if I didn't make those mistakes?
What if I did it all right?
or...
What if I could go back and undo the ropes?
...

I know in my experience that I ought to put a stop to this useless exercise and continue on to the future, putting aside the things I can't change. And so I'm diverting this by writing and saying it out to dii. So far, here's the insight I have:

I took a look at my pending readables (courtesy of Ptr. Sur)...and to my astonishment, it contained a persisting message which I've been getting for the past few days:

(Jer. 29: 11-14)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you."
...

I guess I am afraid of the future. But as Zion and I talked of... God is our security.

Here are a few more notes on this-
1. face the consequences of our little mistakes- accept!
2. develop the discernment to stay within the path of righteousness
3. learn full dependence on God
4. live on! yaaaahhh!

*Be careful not to write your own scripts- do not assume that what you have in mind is exactly what God wants.

And now, I shall sleep.^^

Seven unusual things that make me cry

  • A magnificent sunset
  • Boredom
  • Basketball drama, especially MJ's greatest moments
  • Clear view of a seashore
  • Outreach footage involving the old and young
  • Heavy drama movie clips involving a parent and a kid
  • Trying to understand God's mind (which is mostly impossible, hehehe)

Eyes round as saucers-

Congratulations Lorenz! You're first in line!^^

I just received news a few moments ago that my dear friend from college is getting married soon. I felt shocked and excited, nevertheless... God bless you! Lots of thoughts coming in now. Can't wait to meet him so he can tell me everything!

Aaaaa.

OK, enough fun vents. Back to work.^^

When the tears fall...

Despairing because I've fallen at some point again... defying you is not what I want... I want to show you how I love you Lord... humble me and make me strong... lift me up from this condemnation... I am sorry.

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart


In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer

When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
And I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer

When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

Oh yes, You are good to me
You've always been good to me

So trustworthy

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, and I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
(I will sing to You) I will praise You
Jesus praise You through the suffering
Still I will sing

How faithful and true
Sustain me through and through

You are hope and truth
You're my spring of living water
You're my spring of living water

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Like a well watered garden

Who springs never fail
Faithful and truth

Like a well watered garden
Like a spring that never fails
You're my spring and never fails

Following God's Will

I used to have the notion that once you go do things in accordance to God's will, the peace of Christ will reign in you.

But currently, I've been having the same recurring problem as reflected in my recent journal entries... like I don't really have that peace permanently. Like it's not really okay. Like I'm sitting on my problems instead of getting rid of them.

Sometimes I think that maybe I didn't do it right.

When God told me to leave someone for good some months ago, I was 101% sure that it was the only guarantee I had to make peace with God, whom I strive to honor among anything else.

But I held off, didn't want to obey him despite knowing that it's the right thing to do... and so it took dragging months of more intense suffering for me to realize and learn the importance of trusting God in my plans... and eventually, letting go.

My defiance had me hanging in the balance of sanity and madness. I fell down low like never before. It didn't take a lot of thinking for me to figure that had I been keen on obeying quickly, I would not have suffered this much. I took the big blow of loss, anticipating and knowing that I have to man up to the consequences of my own doing. The Lord has been kind enough to forgive me and help me up with His strength...and in His guiding love I am learning obedience through His tough-love discipline.

But then as I continued to suffer longer than I had anticipated, I began to question what I have done and even my view of things. I thought that if I did what God wanted, there would be absolute peace. Did I get that? Yes, I did. But what's this emotional turmoil I've been experiencing...the highs and lows... like I told my aunt a while ago, it's like beng happy in reality but when you sleep, it's there, haunting you again... The unhushed madness within me had be questioning if I had really done the right thing, if I should have really left that someone for good as a result of my obedience... my wobbly trust in the Lord.

 And so I asked my aunt about it... she was supportive of me. She said that if I didn't obey God... then I might have had proceeded to do things my way to make things better... and note it's my way, not God's way... so I still won't have peace and true happiness, especially knowing inside that God and I are not okay. She warned me that the devil can pull me down and play with my emotions so I'd doubt God's way in things. Which is why it's very crucial to always be on guard, focus on God and read His Word daily... no wonder Im starting to feel NOT okay and entertain doubts in my head... hmmm... 

"And let God be true and every man a liar."

Now that I see it, I think I'd very much rather be in my current situation wherein I'm at peace with God than in my sorry state a few months ago wherein I'm in my fool's comfort zone and knowing that I'm deliberately disobeying God. Mabuti na yung namumublemang kakampi mo ang Diyos kesa dun sa kalaban mo siya...nako mahirap yun. Hahahaha. And I think that gives me peace.

I used to have the notion that once you go do things in accordance to God's will, the peace of Christ will reign in you.


Thankfully, I still have that notion.


I believe that when we set our plans with God as our priority, nothing can ever go wrong and the taste of success is no less sweet as it should be.^^

God bless you all!

(Today I had the blessing of talking with 'John' whom I referred to in one of my recent entries. I am thankful for having had the chance to bless him with my time and sharing... I am thankful for this understanding creature who took his time to listen. May God bless us in our pursuit of genuine revival.)

Pissed. Bullied. Confused.

That's just all I have to write here... Sometime you have to be a man about tough times. Or pretend to be...while dying inside.

Why play friends with me if you DON'T mean to be friends anyway?! If yu want to b*tch slap me then just get on with it and lay off! I hate it that you grip me firmly on my shoulder and smile at me with endearing support when I surely am not stupid enough to buy into your game.

And why do I feel like I don't have actual friends to turn to at this point? Oh Lord...why am I suddenly mistrusting everyone?

...

Maybe because I was made to be the alpha male to most people. The initiator. The doting protector. The decision-maker.

All the more reason to man up or die pretending... with a smile.

...

I'm a girl too, you know... and I cry...*sigh*

Over for now.

Ranting response-

Dearest John,

I have always feared that this time would come that you would finally turn to face me and tell me about the reality that we are facing now. I feel surprised and ashamed that between us, you, being the male, had more sensitivity, guts and will to initiate laying out this controversial observation and discussing it with me. I have always thought that I was more of the emotional manager among the two of us, but even then I lacked the guts to take the matter seriously and getting it out in the open. My weakness must have been finding the means and timing to do so; thus I failed where you succeeded in, and I thank you for bravely standing up for our relationship- even against me. 


The issue seems too sensitive for me to take that we even perceive the need to put it in writing to get it straight across, and while normally we get to therapeutically laugh at each other's folly...this is just way out of bounds for us to obliterate with laughter. And the issue... I feel helpless in admitting that undeniably, we are at a crisis in our relationship- a slow, eventual trickle of disaster that soon flooded the streets of our lives- breaking communication lines, drawing cracks of doubt in the foundations which we had laid with care and slowly ruining a private haven which we built our beautiful home in. I guess we did not notice how such a small detail could give us a turnout this bad. And now, our relationship that was once a clear, flowing river is now a murky, slow stream that is bound to become a stagnant swamp if we don't manage it now. 


I am sorry for being a contributing factor to all this mess which I somewhat encouraged. I am sorry for not trusting you enough. As I learned and found personal growth in many aspects of life, I discovered new things that I did not feel quite comfortable enough to share with you because of...differences. We've talked of that already- I know my errors in the year that passed- you know your doing as you confirmed in your letter. We're both at fault- and like you, I am not interested to play the blame game and am hopeful to solve the problem with you. I thank you for giving me this chance to open up and have my say regarding this misunderstanding, which has been unresolved for long enough. 


To this point I am undecided with what I am about to say...but here- Let's just discuss this out front. I feel uncertain but I am willing to set things right- way better than before, as best as I can. You know dear, we've grown so much, even at a distance. I guess the sad part is that, we have grown apart as well, and I hate it as much as you do. I don't want to be comfortable with the increasing distance. Sometimes I have to admit that in my pessimism I just want to give up and turn away, but I can't. I have given several alibis on why I am just moving away, and I am finally tired of doing so. Yes, lots of excuses could not fit the actual reason. 


You know, you're not the best advisor I have- you're not really therapeutic when it comes to sorting through issues in general, but I have grown too fond of you to mind that and I love you so much that I don't want to be just another thing of the past and throw this mess out the window. You're very important to me, and I believe I can't find anyone else like you out there who can so foolishly love and care for me. Despite our play fights and genuine disagreements in life, I don't want to be a source of your pain, as I know I have been for the past months. I want to take down every wall of confusion between us and see each other as we ought to. I want to make you smile again and be a source of warmth for you once more. 


If going back to being childlike is what it takes, then let's just lay down our doubts and unnecessary suppositions and fears by the road behind us...let's be kids again, and swear to truth in the name of our friendship. I know you're not one to believe in having a relationship with God, but I'm asking Him in all the sweetness of a daughter to bless us in this and give us a winning turnout this time around. Victory is on its way for those who ask it in His Name!


Again, however things go...I hope you know in your heart that you can say with all conceit that you are precious to me and I love you. 


All the best, 
Penny

Ps- I'd appreciate it if you don't laugh at the contents of this note when we meet again. Also, be thankful that I made it a point to put this note in a large rounded font, as I am very well aware that you are not one to love reading so much that a couple of paragraphs could knock you off to dreamland as easily as I end this note now. Hahahaha. 

Happy new year (Part 1)

Happy new year. I spent most of Dec. 31 in my father's place- we went off buying goods from the market at 3rd street in Caloocan (that's where most of the good stuff is), watching tv, being a couch potato... movies, movies and some biographies of famous people on the tube... was bored most of the afternoon, eating grapes, strawberries and soup (makut), c/o my biological father, hehehe. I had expected to sleep then but my aunt brought me my baby niece, Abi, whom I was tasked to put to sleep. Didn't trust myself to do well, but...okay...

First I kept putting her to bed, attempting to keep her comfy with a blanket and pillow (and hugs from meee), but she kept fidgeting and moving about. Not successful. So ang ginawa ko...

I put on a comedy show for infants and made her giggle and giggle for about five minutes straight. Nevermind that I felt silly as a grownup making those faces and those weird weird sounds in front of this tiny creature (for a while I DID rethink of what I was doing)... but well, a few minutes later I wore her out to snooze quietly... Didn't even see how it happened, I turned away and there she was, sleeping... Success. :) Didn't know I could pull that off...unconventional, but effective. Oh yeah!^^

I didn't leave her side all afternoon as she slept contentedly. I watched a lot more tv than I was usually accustomed to until she woke up. I tried to put her back to sleep... she did, for a while... but later I had to lift her against me. She contentedly dropped her head against my chest and snuggled like it was the most normal thing to do. I felt surprised, but that was pretty... wow.^^ Funny, but the experience of babysitting Abi made me realize a bit more how and why mothers can't and shouldn't ever leave their babies alone, not even a sec. I was compelled to do the same that afternoon to the point that I didn't even go on a bladder break until the night fell and her mother came to take over. (Hirap din tong pamangkin ko at may grabeng ubo at sipon, hmhmm...) Iba talaga mag-alaga ng bata: Full-time. Mahirap. Messy. Hahaha.

When night fell, my 5 brothers, ahia's wife Vicky, and my 2 nieces came by and the fun started. My father was drunk enough to drop asleep around dinner time, so he missed out on all the fun. We ate, watched tv, and unexpectedly, nag-camwhoring ang mga kuya. There were camera dares among the siblings...I was trigger happy, clicking away dihia's new pro-camera with lens. Also, my nieces were just too willing to pose with their girlish charms and smiles. Oh, and while waiting for midnight, we watched tv and feasted on the heavy dinner- nagluto ksi din si papa kaya may pagkain (pancit bihon, chicken, liempo, adobong tenga at dila ng baboy- which I didn't like, fried rice, sansrival, palabok, leche flan, grapes, strawberries, coke, iced tea, cordon bleu, inihaw na tilapia, nilagang buto-buto, beef and ampalaya in oyster sauce- na inubos ko yung beef kasi yung ampalaya, in my opinion, hindi maganda yung pagkababad, so didn't eat it). The pancit bihon was really special, as it was made with real pork broth kaya lasang lasa...

And then there's the part when the guys got crazy...ahia and sahia brought in some alcohol... was slightly surprised that sahia would be open to that, as I see him often as the strict responsible sib. Was more surprised with our baby brother, the youngest (he's actually 19 now but we call him our baby still, hehehe), who joined in and played drinking dare with dihia, my free-spirited half brother who enticed him to take shots of whisky, with softdrinks to chase (tsktsk...atsi's watching you, my dear, and yet...ok fine, it's at home anyway, so...). Anyway I took some tasty swigs myself just around midnight, with grapes and pork strips...yummy...

When the fireworks started, that's when I went out of the house to join the gang (my brothers) in watching the lights show... the sky was streaked with bright colors, and against the black canvas of the night sky, the colors looked fantastic... made me look on in awe, no less like a kid...or a pyromaniac, whatever you choose, hahaha. We lit up a few rockets, sparkler fountains, lusis (that were substandard in my opinion, as they didn't even last long...3/4 pa lang ng stick wala na), and those large balls wrapped in brown paper that I didn't really like as they just exploded loudly with a bang- noise, sokes, but no lights. Booo... My father woke up just in time to see the last of the fireworks...

Not bad. I felt glad that God made it possible for us to have a blissful new year celebration with members of my father's side, minus touching controversial topics which erupt into arguments and walkouts. While walking in the market that morning, I prayed to God for a peaceful celebration...thank you. 

Next, we packed some leftovers, bid each other goodbye, and went off to home... The streets looked like alleys taken from Resident Evil. Hahaha. The smoke made the surrounding look all creepy... Cool.^^

But it wasn't quite the end of the fesitivites for us. Just as we stepped in the house, we hurriedly packed a few clothes and stuff and we went on a smoky road trip to Alabang to my grandma's (my ma's aunt's) house where we were scheduled to have our annual new year's reunion party. 

About 5 hours of sleep later, the fun continued, intensified about five times better and more hilarious than the previous night...and I danced. That's part 2. Hahaha.