I intentionally did not post this anywhere else because it's rather personal. Well, as I can sense it, today I am having my typical unhappy tantrum. I'm just not in my element today.
It all started with a dream.
I was in this large clearing. The crisp smell of fresh night air hung out there like the black blanket of sky over me and many other kids my age who all decided to go for a stroll. With the moon up, it was a perfect night setting.
Or so I thought.
I was starting to walk randomly, relax and get comfortable with my surroundings, until I remembered this man whom I deeply love (in real life). I realized I didn't know where he was then. And I started to ask around on his whereabouts, like he was supposed to be there to share the stroll with me. Nobody seemed to know or care where he was then.
Suddenly, two guys in jackets came out of nowhere and strode on both sides of me. I recognized them in the dream as two of my lover's friends (though in real life I know I haven't met them). Holding me on the shoulders, they dared me:
"You really want to know where he is?"
I said, eagerly, "Yes, please. Where is he?"
"Well..." I sensed a moment of hesitation in him as he shifted his eyes to the ground. "Are you really sure about this?"
"Well of course."
And they looked at each other meaningfully, like they knew something that I didn't.
Slowly, a familiar feeling of intense pain and betrayal crept within me as I thought of the worst. And as a common defense mechanism I've been accustomed to use, I put on some emotional steel and simply said:
"Oh that's fine...he's always been like that. So where is he and who's he with?"
"Aw Anni...not that we mean to hurt you...but he's been spending time with...them."
"What?"
And then we followed a trail up...and saw this really huge tree with very big and lengthy branches. Since it was blocking our way, I thought I'd have to make it through without a problem by walking under the tangle of branches and shrubbery.
But then when I touched one of its main branches, it moved...and gave me a menacing look. It was alive!!!
"Be careful, let's go!" one of my companions shouted as I evaded its branches that were flailing at me.
After going past the living tree by going through a longer way, we managed to find our way on top of a hill. There, looking from above, I saw dearest hanging around with a lot of other people...and two skimpily-clad girls on either side. And he had his arms on their waists.
My companions were silent as I crouched on my place and took in the awful scene before me. And then after a while, I stood up and dusted myself. They were saying sorry, but it's not their fault right, so I ignored them and walked away, feeling so sad and pained.
...
And after a long turmoil of dreams...that's when I woke up with the sun shining through my windows. Of course I was very thankful that it was all in a dream...but then my emotions were dampened because although the events were not totally real, my feelings there were...
It made me think about life...and the many times that I felt insignificant and out of place...unwanted, ugly...useless, second best...talentless, tanga, walang utak... It made me think about the life that I want for myself, but just can't seem to live it for myself because of the many hindrances and obligations... It made me think about the many times that I needed to gather up my emotions, go to my room and start spilling an ocean of sorrow under my pillow. It made me recall the rejection and the hurt that I've encountered despite giving my best shot at something...or someone. It made me think about how sad it is that at age 22, I feel like I haven't even moved a pebble at all, much less a mountain...and everyone seems to be leaving me behind...and that just made me want to quit life.
I wish life were like work...so that if it didn't work out for you, you could just get it over with and quit. (And right now as I'm typing this, the fresh wave of hurt is coming in and I'm trying to stop the tears because I'm a big girl, crying's not expected in this house, and this isn't the way a Christian should be behaving.)
But then that's not the case right...
...I don't even know how to end this entry in a positive note, so I won't make up one.
...
All I know is, my Boss is watching. And I trust him to give me a sound answer...much, much better than what I- or anyone else in the world for that matter- can come up with.
The Rain
(Influenced by the rainy night)
Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more
But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...
To the rain clouds:
Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.
Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.
Hahahaha!
Enough of the emo-rainess.
Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more
But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...
To the rain clouds:
Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.
Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.
Hahahaha!
Enough of the emo-rainess.
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