Seven unusual things that make me cry

  • A magnificent sunset
  • Boredom
  • Basketball drama, especially MJ's greatest moments
  • Clear view of a seashore
  • Outreach footage involving the old and young
  • Heavy drama movie clips involving a parent and a kid
  • Trying to understand God's mind (which is mostly impossible, hehehe)

Eyes round as saucers-

Congratulations Lorenz! You're first in line!^^

I just received news a few moments ago that my dear friend from college is getting married soon. I felt shocked and excited, nevertheless... God bless you! Lots of thoughts coming in now. Can't wait to meet him so he can tell me everything!

Aaaaa.

OK, enough fun vents. Back to work.^^

When the tears fall...

Despairing because I've fallen at some point again... defying you is not what I want... I want to show you how I love you Lord... humble me and make me strong... lift me up from this condemnation... I am sorry.

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart


In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer

When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
And I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer

When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

Oh yes, You are good to me
You've always been good to me

So trustworthy

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, and I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
(I will sing to You) I will praise You
Jesus praise You through the suffering
Still I will sing

How faithful and true
Sustain me through and through

You are hope and truth
You're my spring of living water
You're my spring of living water

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Like a well watered garden

Who springs never fail
Faithful and truth

Like a well watered garden
Like a spring that never fails
You're my spring and never fails

Following God's Will

I used to have the notion that once you go do things in accordance to God's will, the peace of Christ will reign in you.

But currently, I've been having the same recurring problem as reflected in my recent journal entries... like I don't really have that peace permanently. Like it's not really okay. Like I'm sitting on my problems instead of getting rid of them.

Sometimes I think that maybe I didn't do it right.

When God told me to leave someone for good some months ago, I was 101% sure that it was the only guarantee I had to make peace with God, whom I strive to honor among anything else.

But I held off, didn't want to obey him despite knowing that it's the right thing to do... and so it took dragging months of more intense suffering for me to realize and learn the importance of trusting God in my plans... and eventually, letting go.

My defiance had me hanging in the balance of sanity and madness. I fell down low like never before. It didn't take a lot of thinking for me to figure that had I been keen on obeying quickly, I would not have suffered this much. I took the big blow of loss, anticipating and knowing that I have to man up to the consequences of my own doing. The Lord has been kind enough to forgive me and help me up with His strength...and in His guiding love I am learning obedience through His tough-love discipline.

But then as I continued to suffer longer than I had anticipated, I began to question what I have done and even my view of things. I thought that if I did what God wanted, there would be absolute peace. Did I get that? Yes, I did. But what's this emotional turmoil I've been experiencing...the highs and lows... like I told my aunt a while ago, it's like beng happy in reality but when you sleep, it's there, haunting you again... The unhushed madness within me had be questioning if I had really done the right thing, if I should have really left that someone for good as a result of my obedience... my wobbly trust in the Lord.

 And so I asked my aunt about it... she was supportive of me. She said that if I didn't obey God... then I might have had proceeded to do things my way to make things better... and note it's my way, not God's way... so I still won't have peace and true happiness, especially knowing inside that God and I are not okay. She warned me that the devil can pull me down and play with my emotions so I'd doubt God's way in things. Which is why it's very crucial to always be on guard, focus on God and read His Word daily... no wonder Im starting to feel NOT okay and entertain doubts in my head... hmmm... 

"And let God be true and every man a liar."

Now that I see it, I think I'd very much rather be in my current situation wherein I'm at peace with God than in my sorry state a few months ago wherein I'm in my fool's comfort zone and knowing that I'm deliberately disobeying God. Mabuti na yung namumublemang kakampi mo ang Diyos kesa dun sa kalaban mo siya...nako mahirap yun. Hahahaha. And I think that gives me peace.

I used to have the notion that once you go do things in accordance to God's will, the peace of Christ will reign in you.


Thankfully, I still have that notion.


I believe that when we set our plans with God as our priority, nothing can ever go wrong and the taste of success is no less sweet as it should be.^^

God bless you all!

(Today I had the blessing of talking with 'John' whom I referred to in one of my recent entries. I am thankful for having had the chance to bless him with my time and sharing... I am thankful for this understanding creature who took his time to listen. May God bless us in our pursuit of genuine revival.)

Pissed. Bullied. Confused.

That's just all I have to write here... Sometime you have to be a man about tough times. Or pretend to be...while dying inside.

Why play friends with me if you DON'T mean to be friends anyway?! If yu want to b*tch slap me then just get on with it and lay off! I hate it that you grip me firmly on my shoulder and smile at me with endearing support when I surely am not stupid enough to buy into your game.

And why do I feel like I don't have actual friends to turn to at this point? Oh Lord...why am I suddenly mistrusting everyone?

...

Maybe because I was made to be the alpha male to most people. The initiator. The doting protector. The decision-maker.

All the more reason to man up or die pretending... with a smile.

...

I'm a girl too, you know... and I cry...*sigh*

Over for now.

Ranting response-

Dearest John,

I have always feared that this time would come that you would finally turn to face me and tell me about the reality that we are facing now. I feel surprised and ashamed that between us, you, being the male, had more sensitivity, guts and will to initiate laying out this controversial observation and discussing it with me. I have always thought that I was more of the emotional manager among the two of us, but even then I lacked the guts to take the matter seriously and getting it out in the open. My weakness must have been finding the means and timing to do so; thus I failed where you succeeded in, and I thank you for bravely standing up for our relationship- even against me. 


The issue seems too sensitive for me to take that we even perceive the need to put it in writing to get it straight across, and while normally we get to therapeutically laugh at each other's folly...this is just way out of bounds for us to obliterate with laughter. And the issue... I feel helpless in admitting that undeniably, we are at a crisis in our relationship- a slow, eventual trickle of disaster that soon flooded the streets of our lives- breaking communication lines, drawing cracks of doubt in the foundations which we had laid with care and slowly ruining a private haven which we built our beautiful home in. I guess we did not notice how such a small detail could give us a turnout this bad. And now, our relationship that was once a clear, flowing river is now a murky, slow stream that is bound to become a stagnant swamp if we don't manage it now. 


I am sorry for being a contributing factor to all this mess which I somewhat encouraged. I am sorry for not trusting you enough. As I learned and found personal growth in many aspects of life, I discovered new things that I did not feel quite comfortable enough to share with you because of...differences. We've talked of that already- I know my errors in the year that passed- you know your doing as you confirmed in your letter. We're both at fault- and like you, I am not interested to play the blame game and am hopeful to solve the problem with you. I thank you for giving me this chance to open up and have my say regarding this misunderstanding, which has been unresolved for long enough. 


To this point I am undecided with what I am about to say...but here- Let's just discuss this out front. I feel uncertain but I am willing to set things right- way better than before, as best as I can. You know dear, we've grown so much, even at a distance. I guess the sad part is that, we have grown apart as well, and I hate it as much as you do. I don't want to be comfortable with the increasing distance. Sometimes I have to admit that in my pessimism I just want to give up and turn away, but I can't. I have given several alibis on why I am just moving away, and I am finally tired of doing so. Yes, lots of excuses could not fit the actual reason. 


You know, you're not the best advisor I have- you're not really therapeutic when it comes to sorting through issues in general, but I have grown too fond of you to mind that and I love you so much that I don't want to be just another thing of the past and throw this mess out the window. You're very important to me, and I believe I can't find anyone else like you out there who can so foolishly love and care for me. Despite our play fights and genuine disagreements in life, I don't want to be a source of your pain, as I know I have been for the past months. I want to take down every wall of confusion between us and see each other as we ought to. I want to make you smile again and be a source of warmth for you once more. 


If going back to being childlike is what it takes, then let's just lay down our doubts and unnecessary suppositions and fears by the road behind us...let's be kids again, and swear to truth in the name of our friendship. I know you're not one to believe in having a relationship with God, but I'm asking Him in all the sweetness of a daughter to bless us in this and give us a winning turnout this time around. Victory is on its way for those who ask it in His Name!


Again, however things go...I hope you know in your heart that you can say with all conceit that you are precious to me and I love you. 


All the best, 
Penny

Ps- I'd appreciate it if you don't laugh at the contents of this note when we meet again. Also, be thankful that I made it a point to put this note in a large rounded font, as I am very well aware that you are not one to love reading so much that a couple of paragraphs could knock you off to dreamland as easily as I end this note now. Hahahaha. 

Happy new year (Part 1)

Happy new year. I spent most of Dec. 31 in my father's place- we went off buying goods from the market at 3rd street in Caloocan (that's where most of the good stuff is), watching tv, being a couch potato... movies, movies and some biographies of famous people on the tube... was bored most of the afternoon, eating grapes, strawberries and soup (makut), c/o my biological father, hehehe. I had expected to sleep then but my aunt brought me my baby niece, Abi, whom I was tasked to put to sleep. Didn't trust myself to do well, but...okay...

First I kept putting her to bed, attempting to keep her comfy with a blanket and pillow (and hugs from meee), but she kept fidgeting and moving about. Not successful. So ang ginawa ko...

I put on a comedy show for infants and made her giggle and giggle for about five minutes straight. Nevermind that I felt silly as a grownup making those faces and those weird weird sounds in front of this tiny creature (for a while I DID rethink of what I was doing)... but well, a few minutes later I wore her out to snooze quietly... Didn't even see how it happened, I turned away and there she was, sleeping... Success. :) Didn't know I could pull that off...unconventional, but effective. Oh yeah!^^

I didn't leave her side all afternoon as she slept contentedly. I watched a lot more tv than I was usually accustomed to until she woke up. I tried to put her back to sleep... she did, for a while... but later I had to lift her against me. She contentedly dropped her head against my chest and snuggled like it was the most normal thing to do. I felt surprised, but that was pretty... wow.^^ Funny, but the experience of babysitting Abi made me realize a bit more how and why mothers can't and shouldn't ever leave their babies alone, not even a sec. I was compelled to do the same that afternoon to the point that I didn't even go on a bladder break until the night fell and her mother came to take over. (Hirap din tong pamangkin ko at may grabeng ubo at sipon, hmhmm...) Iba talaga mag-alaga ng bata: Full-time. Mahirap. Messy. Hahaha.

When night fell, my 5 brothers, ahia's wife Vicky, and my 2 nieces came by and the fun started. My father was drunk enough to drop asleep around dinner time, so he missed out on all the fun. We ate, watched tv, and unexpectedly, nag-camwhoring ang mga kuya. There were camera dares among the siblings...I was trigger happy, clicking away dihia's new pro-camera with lens. Also, my nieces were just too willing to pose with their girlish charms and smiles. Oh, and while waiting for midnight, we watched tv and feasted on the heavy dinner- nagluto ksi din si papa kaya may pagkain (pancit bihon, chicken, liempo, adobong tenga at dila ng baboy- which I didn't like, fried rice, sansrival, palabok, leche flan, grapes, strawberries, coke, iced tea, cordon bleu, inihaw na tilapia, nilagang buto-buto, beef and ampalaya in oyster sauce- na inubos ko yung beef kasi yung ampalaya, in my opinion, hindi maganda yung pagkababad, so didn't eat it). The pancit bihon was really special, as it was made with real pork broth kaya lasang lasa...

And then there's the part when the guys got crazy...ahia and sahia brought in some alcohol... was slightly surprised that sahia would be open to that, as I see him often as the strict responsible sib. Was more surprised with our baby brother, the youngest (he's actually 19 now but we call him our baby still, hehehe), who joined in and played drinking dare with dihia, my free-spirited half brother who enticed him to take shots of whisky, with softdrinks to chase (tsktsk...atsi's watching you, my dear, and yet...ok fine, it's at home anyway, so...). Anyway I took some tasty swigs myself just around midnight, with grapes and pork strips...yummy...

When the fireworks started, that's when I went out of the house to join the gang (my brothers) in watching the lights show... the sky was streaked with bright colors, and against the black canvas of the night sky, the colors looked fantastic... made me look on in awe, no less like a kid...or a pyromaniac, whatever you choose, hahaha. We lit up a few rockets, sparkler fountains, lusis (that were substandard in my opinion, as they didn't even last long...3/4 pa lang ng stick wala na), and those large balls wrapped in brown paper that I didn't really like as they just exploded loudly with a bang- noise, sokes, but no lights. Booo... My father woke up just in time to see the last of the fireworks...

Not bad. I felt glad that God made it possible for us to have a blissful new year celebration with members of my father's side, minus touching controversial topics which erupt into arguments and walkouts. While walking in the market that morning, I prayed to God for a peaceful celebration...thank you. 

Next, we packed some leftovers, bid each other goodbye, and went off to home... The streets looked like alleys taken from Resident Evil. Hahaha. The smoke made the surrounding look all creepy... Cool.^^

But it wasn't quite the end of the fesitivites for us. Just as we stepped in the house, we hurriedly packed a few clothes and stuff and we went on a smoky road trip to Alabang to my grandma's (my ma's aunt's) house where we were scheduled to have our annual new year's reunion party. 

About 5 hours of sleep later, the fun continued, intensified about five times better and more hilarious than the previous night...and I danced. That's part 2. Hahaha.