Addiction and Nostalgia

Just when I thought it'd never happen again...

I am currently back into the blues...literally and figuratively. Hahaha. I can't shake off my addiction to Megaman...now for the first time I'm attempting to finish x5 myself instead of having to watch my brothers do it. Years ago I finished x4. Now here is a new challenge for me while I got the time.

I have always been a fan since his days in his original Japanese form...Rockman was his primitive name- played in game boy and good old famicom. And surely the game was harder then. Only the real gamers could finish the whole thing since it took a lot of smarts and a lot of time (since the memory card was not invented yet) to sit and get it done. My uncle, whom I look up to as one of them with the rare hands for this, had his days and nights with the controller. I can still remember the times when we kids would huddle close to him and watch him with awe as he finished stage after stage, blasting pellets to kill off enemies onscreen in classic 2D. Our excitement sometimes got us pushing him to continue the game (kids talaga, hahaha) despite his need to sleep, study (he's a college student then) and make it to his scheduled appointments (like dates?). Hahahaha.

Anyway, I'm currently playing it. After a long time of being just part of the audience...I now have the opportunity to hone my gaming skills and finish this! Of course I have to thank Keiji Inafune for being the genius behind the characters X and Zero. *claps*

Fuzzies n more fuzzies

I am really sweating buckets here. Ang init. Grr. Today I what's left of my morning (I got off bed at around twelve thirty pm) in watching my bro and cuz play Resident Evil 0 which was pretty scray once you get into the suspense mood. Later I spent my time answering some weird tests in blogthings- an addictive habit which recurred just yesternight when i was reflecting on my past and was stuck with nothing else to do.

We ate some grilled pork. I have nothing against good cuisine and my brother's chefish tendencies, but his recipes make the biggest messes for me to clean up. Sometimes it's worth the meal...other times...I just want to get that butcher's knife and...(ok, ok, the test said I'd never be violent, hahaha)

A desperate solution-

Now I have Salon Pas on my nape...feels cool- something I was desperate to try out of my back pain which occurred past my seemingly endless nights and days of thesis-making and NCAs...nursing workloads which required me to sit for long hours in front of the pc. And since I normally do not sit properly (I have a tendency to lean forward when I'm in workaholic mode), the result is a very sore back and neck. Grr. So with the recommendation of my friend Maski, I purchased four strips as part of my trial test. The plaster caused me a lot of pain initially, but it offered partial relief, so it works...though I think my condition needs more than that- maybe a massage will cure this once and for all.

A bit of a flashback-

Which reminds me...that day sure was fun. March 28, 2008. Day out with Maski. After two hours of waiting in line to check our grades in the main bldg, we were finally free and cheering for our passing marks. We had a delayed lunch in the afternoon, about a quarter to three...and I suggested that we go play billiards. If I'm not mistaken, it's been eight years since I last played. My bro was the one who got hooked...he's such a hustler, hahaha.

Maski claims not having played for 2 weeks. Of course pinagbigyan niya ko (gender issue? fine...) but I lost all games (basura naman talaga laro ko, duh). Nevertheless I had a lot of fun. Of course, I plan to make it better next time para naman may kwenta akong kalaban. Hahaha.

Later we played Dancemaniax sa SM San Lazaro. It was fun, but we were off to a bad start, since I had to disturb the current player so that I could get my tokens in. Normally it's not a prob, but when the tokens didn't register we had to call for someone working there who can fix the jam...sure enough they didn't give a care on the ongoing game, so the current player was annoyed...though of course later on he understood the necessity of that.

Downstairs at the food court we took our down time and ate kitkat and pepsi. And while we were in a festive mood (pasado!), we took a lot of pictures of ourselves before we walked back to Lacson.

Later we chilled at McDonald's while waiting for my cousin to come by so I can head home with them. We sampled some buko pandan flurry (which didn't impress me because it made me look for Bequa's buko pandan salad with gulaman and buko strips which was way way better) and good old fries with ketchup. To kill more time, we turned camwhorish and took wacky shots of ourselves. It was really cool to hang out with Maski. I didn't even notice when it was time to go at around eight in the eve. My bro kept calling before then- which showed how much he worried about me.

Recent trips-

Kanina naglalaro ako ng weird game sa miniclip.com...I played Club Penguin. Yeah, it's sooo for kids, but then I was curious, so I created my account to play a red penguin. I had fun making pizzas, surfing, playing thin ice, trying to catch Fuzzies (mga mukhang bunot na creatures...multicolored pompoms which serve as fictional pests for penguins)...not bad for a timekiller.

I want to play wii but I am too proud to ask my cousin or my bros to teach me how to make it work (maybe after this entry, I will).

I want to go out of town...on an adventure with my mother or my cousin...but then of course since my ma isn't talking to me and my cousin is just far off...and I have duty pa...well, it's wishful thinking for now...sigh.

I am counting on Jonreph or Paulo to plan a mall-out with the whole gang (I can't take on the task since I have no hold on my schedule, as always)...I really really miss the circle.

List of my recent contacts-

J- Well, given naman na we always have contact. Just last night, past twelve na nagkkwento pa rin, san ka pa...at sinermonan ako ng loko about my issues. Hahaha. OK lang, nakaganti naman ako when I gave him my litany about his angels. Hahahaha. Mahabang kwento.

Os- I was waiting for his YM stat to turn into something 'not busy' to greet him. He greeted back. I'm genuinely happy for him, since he can relax more now.
Pau- I thank multiply for the chances I've had to get in contact with this guy. I am rather intrigued by a certain entry he wrote (well, he has always been intriguing). I just have to ask him about it, hahahaha.

Bern- I got my chance to talk to this girl through YM. She was having a bad time then on her group project wherein her groupmates left her hanging with all the work undone. Swearing aside, I thought she handled the situation pretty well. I'm proud of her.

Bequa- The sporty girl of the group...now a fencer. She looked so cool in her outfit as I saw in her display image. We talked briefly...and though she was busy, she's still sunny nonetheless. I wish I can watch her compete. I love this girl. Hahaha. I do hope she'll be able to make through the next two weeks alive. Workload can be a monster, I know.

Des- Ay ang bruhang ito nagtext weeks ago. It was funny, a silly joke. I am hoping for a threesome with hersch. If not that, a group out (which is the ideal para mas masaya) will be a sure blast. (at mare, nasaan ba si Herschel? I tried to make contact through her blog, but she seems to have hidden out in her cave...hmmm...)

Therese- Ay, recently I caught her at a time when she was inflicted with the writer's block. As part of distraction therapy, we mocked and insulted each other before she went back to pondering on how to go about her papers. Hahahaha. I miss this shobe of mine...she can be such a tofee- tough and sweet.^^

Tiff- We exchanged greetings just last week. She seemed fine, but how much can YM tell you...hmm. I hope to get an update on this girl...I wonder how her life's going..?

My question- Where's everybody else?T.T Prolonged separation anxiety...not good for me. Hahaha.

Looking back...

I know it's wrong for me to feel this way, but then reality isn't always governed by morality (although of course ideally it should be the case).

Recently I put myself in sedentary mode not only for my down time but also for my reflection time. I read my past entries, checked other people's thoughts. I wrote my poems, spent time with people, enjoyed myself. I took time to watch my friends in their unguarded moments, savoring every moment. From all these chances I realized how so much has happened. So much has changed with all of us in the circle of friends.

Good? Bad? It's half-and-half (something my good friend Maski would call and equalizer).

I am reminded of the time I made my mistakes. The feelings which came back within wasn't at all pleasant. They drowned me into my own thoughts of defeat and pessimism and sapped all the happiness within me. I am not supposed to feel that way anymore. I am not supposed to be affected by my past.

But here I am, feeling listless...feeling the loss of yesterday when I should be focusing on my recent actual and potential gains.

And here's Maski making me think. Here's a fellow who tells me that I make him overthink...and yet unknowingly the effect of our collision is mutual-

1. May mga bagay na hindi talaga meant to be...

I have a knack for saying, "Aw, hindi meant to be" when things don't turn out as wanted. But then later on I realized that I (think I have a feeling that I) have a tendency to apply this in serious life situations. My choice of course speaks loudly for it.

But then again, I believe that even though there are things that are not meant to be, there is the power of prayer and God's will to help us attain the impossible (as long as it is for his glory). Di ba nga, sa mundong ito, dalawa lang iyan, either you're for God or you're for the enemy, that's all. Also, secondary to that, I believe in the power of wanting. The Lord did not give us the power of free will for nothing...it worked for JFK- why not for us too? :P

2. In order to attain something, great sacrifices must be made...

I think there is truth to this. Best example? Christ. :) My personal example would be my course again. But really, I am not putting down my pen for good. I will return and snatch it up again...then, with a white cap on my head and an RN to enhance it.

Another version of this line is, in order to attain something great, one has to forgo some of the personal pleasures of life. With reference to Freud's id-ego-superego theory, I say that we cannot be kids forever. We cannot stay as seedlings for life. We have to grow and grow through life, lest we want to live a stagnant life in all aspects. We have to learn to leave the life where id always takes the lead and start allowing the superego to flourish and have its say for the part of the ego.

With this, we can now forgo pleasures and learn the value of sacrifice. After all, if we are people who merely answer to the wants of the flesh and the moment, then what makes us different from animals?

I believe that true maturity is seen in two ways: 1. Being able to accept and realize that we are not mature enough; and 2. Being able to see beyond the present situation and waiting for the right time.

I bravely speak of such things. But like everyone else, I am just...weak. Everyone knows that. I succumb to my own defeats. I just need to change my perpective of things...set my eyes on God's promise...and use my failures as a pedestal for me to see more and not stay down on the ground.

Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

Hahaha. Need I say more? Actually, yes.

I am bored! Come on! Aaaa. It's killing me. But I'm still playing the resilient little imp that I am- I don't want to work on my school stuff yet, those pref cards waiting for me...I can almost hear them shouting, "Do us...do us..." But I cover my ears and say, "I won't." Not today. Not when I'm supposed to be living my sedentary life. Ahahaha.

Just before this I tried tinkering with my Rubix (I gave it a name and a gender). Since I learned how to do the third layer just this Tuesday I have been assembling and mixing him up again and again. After lunch I was busying myself with doing him with time pressure. My personal best is just 3 mins 9 sec. Average is 4 minutes. Initial time is 6 minutes. Shame, my little bro can do it in 2...

But of course that gets boring in no time. So I tried camwhoring mode within my four walls and it soon lost its appeal for today...duh, not so much fun there, hahaha.

And so I got up and tried net surfing, which I have been doing for two days straight. I checked my mail, browsed for new stuff on google, checked out vids at youtube, wrote on blogspot, checked other people's multiply accounts, fixed my friendster account, wrote on the blog there (ok, I am a blogaholic, I know)...modified my images...then I now don't have much to do other than breathe and talk nonesense with my housemates, hahaha. Which is also fun, but then loses its thrill later on...

OK, OK, so the boredom is getting to me that much. :) Thank God for my blogspot...I am writing my thoughts now instead of using my idle hands for something else I'd regret later on. Hahahaha. It is always important to keep them working unless you're asleep...or else!

Now I'm craving for pancit canton. Maybe I should cook some after this entry...

I feel so bored. I want to start up on a good piece of story, a script...or a poem perhaps, but then...my inspiration tank needs refilling. Hahahaha.

Hmm...if I get insanely bored enough I'd be doing those pref cards...

No way...Anni wouldn't do that. Hahaha. Let my whore nursing take the backseat for now. I'll try to get in the mood and then I'm pleasuring myself with writing, which I really love. :P

Gracie's first birthday (Feb 23, 2008)

Disclaimer: OK first of all hindi ko anak to hahahaha...it's my little niece, Gracie, who celebrated her first birthday last month. Ang cute niya no...wla lang, I just thought that after I got it this morning I should post it for the record keeping. :)

I pray that this little girl would grow up to be a beautiful soul...ano kayang sasabihin niya sa kin when she's all grown up and she sees this picture with me?:)

Baka matawa na lang kaming dalawa...hahaha.

Well I've always been known for contemplating too much about the future when I'm not even sure about anything in it. :)

Anyway she's just a precious little girl on my lap...I better take the time and admire her that way while I still can hahahahaha.:P

May mga bagay na kailangang matagal bago mapakinabangan

Like ice tubes, for instance.

Ice tubes, which really bummed me since the quenching of my thirst was postponed...but yes, quenched. Just three hours ago I was trying to prepare an icy glass of coke as an appetizer for my first meal of the day. I was not too happy to find a big chunk of ice in the freezer instead of separate ice tubes.

So what I did was, I took the ice box and put water in it in an attempt to melt and separate them. In the end I got about four, just perfect for a cold drink...ohhhh yeah. Tulad nga ng sabi rin ni Ahia Andrew at ni Christian Bautista, the best things in life are free.

But here's a deeper insight on ice tubes...the way I see it, there are just some things in life that one cannot hurry. Like school work, for instance. Like growing up and growing old. Like love. Tulad nga ng sabi ng friend kong si Maski, it takes time. To follow that, patience is a virtue.

Well unfortunately it doesn't work so well for me, since I am a very impatient wreck. But it is inevitable with knowledge deficit- with the wrong outlook. In the process of waiting without proper insight, there will really be whining on why things take too long. And also, it's a waste of energy to complain when nothing gets done anyway with it, so why do that, right? So a proper perspective of things will suffice in the long wait.

But yeah, we are, in variable aspects, complicated people. And we are creatures of God too, so we should know how to go about it...and here comes the issue of trust, of faith. One of God's three possible answers to our questions is "wait."  With faith, defined briefly as believing without seeing, we are compelled to go on in spite of being in the dark. In spite of not really knowing how things will turn out sooner or later, we are called to hold on to this mysterious element which can drive us to persevere in life despite our questions...

It takes a lot of faith to believe that God is in control of things and knows what he is doing with our lives...and it's the only way we can surely survive through this labyrinth called life.

I hate BFDD!!! Ang aking litanya...bow!

Past my reviewing of other people's thoughts displayed on words, I am now freaking out with the fact that there are some girls who just can't get enough of their boyfriends!!! I know I can be a bastard...hell, I know I AM, hahaha...but it just irritates me so to realize how some girls can be overly attached to their boyfriends that they can't talk about anything else but their mate! It's a syndrome I call BFDD (Boyfriend Dependency Disorder).

Come on! Don't you girls think you deserve a life? I mean a life apart from your lovebirds? It's not like you're going to live a half life if you tried to, that's a lie if you believe that. Man, it's just sick to think that you can't live without this certain person, regardless of whether he is a significant other or what...it's sucks, and it's pathetic, so wake up. It's a fallacy, see- do you actually die when you are forced to tear yourself away from the company of this person whom you think is THAT significant to your ADLs (activities of daily living)?

Well of course it's an exception if you're blessedly married, since it's the real thing and you are, after all, already bound together by God, and I love that, no problem with it.

But with boyfriends and girlfriends...do you not see how futile it is? I believe having one especially at an early age is just a load of bull, since it is a relationship wherein you just pretend to be husband and wife to each other (yeah, it's NOT real!). It's almost like a nursery kid's version of playhouse wherein there's a mom, a dad...but the situation gets more real with the age and the consequences are REAL...you get the drift.

Here's where I apply my frequent line: "You can't manage yourself...so why manage other people's lives (or even try to)?" A blind man cannot lead a blind man because that would certainly bring more harm than good (the good book says so, too). This pathetic waste of time and precious ATP adds to my pile of rage.

And here's another major issue...girlfriends who become too attached to their respective boyfie bastards tend to act like a satellite...the moon, for instance...and their guys plays the role of the rotating earth. I call this the lunar trend. These girls do not realize that there are other dimensions of the universe to see in the form of people they love...they just go dancing around and around their respective "earths" as much as they want. They got friends, got family, got studies...all these become one big load of nuisance for them in this spin that they have chosen to stick with.

Gravity, gravity...the law of attraction? Ay, load of bull...a good reason to call it the "lunacy trend." Hahahaha.

Experiences...

I have a friend who's told me about his pain with this, that whenever he has female friends who develop boyfriend-girlfriend relationships and get overly attached, he takes the backseat, becomes forgotten like old furniture in the basement and later on realizes that he has to take a hike since he is (or feels) no longer needed.

I have felt this way a few times, and I hate it- it sucks to have to take the backseat when you want to sit with the person out front as you always did! There are instances that I picture myself to be that whining kid who insists on taking the front seat of love instead of the newcomer whom I'm undeniably jealous of! (A bout of jealousy is a given especially when you know you can do better that he can! Hahaha!)

"You're just a bitter, inexperienced bitch." or is it, "Oh, Anni you need a new source of insight (to change that)."

First of all I am not bitter (my shot comes later, if God wants to give it to me). And NOT inexperienced (well, yeah technically I am, given that I just renewed my NBSB (no boyfriend since birth) membership for this year, thanks), but then knowledge will suffice for now). And most especially I don't see the need for new source of insight in the form of a guy- how sick can that get?
Similarly people have accused me of being such a bastard in my opinion about premature relationships (aka having a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship at this early age- and take note, I'm turning 21 next month as I write this, hahaha). They try to show me that I am just being this way because I have not experienced the thrill of relationships...having someone to carry your stuff, having someone who's gushing mad to see you everyday...to have and to hold, to hug and to kiss *feigns fainting and kiligers to the max* And all those things Hollywood keeps feeding us through the big screen...hahahaha.

Yah, that's just unnecessary. At least last time I checked, it is, all a waste of time...time which can rather be used for nurturing relationships and productivity.

The mix-up theory-

I have read somewhere that the highest rate of failed marriage started with intensity 100something relationships (as in sky-rocket, passion-all-the-way). I say that's not really surprising...as infatuation (intense attraction) is a counterfeit of love. We are caught in the mixup of that which is similar to love (and what do our young minds know about love, but...hahahaha), but beware that, "infatuation in a minute smolders you whole, yet love forever warms the soul."

Another dimension of the mixup theory is the attraction, the camaraderie and the commitment. Somehow people have a knack for messing with the lines drawn between these three things (even I admit I do). Attraction occurs when one is taken by one aspect of a whole personality (mostly the source of infatuation and sky-high passion). Camaraderie occurs when one yearns to constantly interact with another soul and in the process becomes attached to him or her in the name of mutual friendship (which may at times also be mistaken for something different). Commitment is a decision wherein a person finds this one lone mate whom he or she wants to spend a lifetime with- and mutually commits to them.

All involve some kind of love. All involve giving time and 'commitment' to keep them alive. But they are three different things. They can be mixed up. There are people who are only attracted. There are people who are in friendship. There are people who are attracted and in friendship. And in the rarest circumstance, there are a few who are attracted, in friendship and can commit for a lifetime. Beware of counterfeits! And based on my presented definition, there is no such thing as sole commitment- that is a lie. How can you commit without the steadfast foundation of friendship? Likely it is attraction thought to be commitment.

And finally, the conclusion-

In the end it just saddens me to think that beautiful opportunities and nurturing relationships around us are wasted with something that only glitters like gold but is NOT actually worth as much...not even worth anything...not even worth the time. I feign being bastard here, but I am seriously lamenting for those people who fail to see how big the world is...if they only allow themselves to come free of their shallow concept of the world somehow...they would surely find more than what they think they already have.

You know what? Screw deception. Screw knowledge deficit. Not the girls...just the sad fact that they are stuck there and are prone to learn of their mistakes in due time...in the hard way past the experience.

Epistaxis may be secondary to excess heat

So beware, that's just a reminder when you sit beside me, hahaha.

OK, that's just me and my joke, hahaha. Well somehow it's got something to do with today's events...hmm...anyway other than that I am just happy that I got to spend a lot of good time with Jrep and Maski, two of my closest friends. And yeah, both of them are just dirty bastards. Hahaha.

We danced, ate together...chika...

And yeah, i finally learned how to do a good rubiks...hahaha. :)thank you dear maski^^ now i can sleep soundly, hahahaha. :)

But then again...you made me think again. Jrep's always accused me of overthinking. I say that, if it were a crime I'd be in life sentence. Hahaha.

OK, not much to say today. Just lots of love for these two guys/girls who made my day.:)

I'm the pro...

Did this out of a whim yesterday at around 1-2 pm.

Wala lang. Funny how boredom squeezes the brains out of you that you have to use the heart to get something worthwhile done...hahaha. Seriously, it's not out of thin air...I used my limbic system to come up with this. :)

Anyway, I enjoyed doing this...inspired by and dedicated to a stranger who somehow starts to smell like a good friend to me. Hmm...

Professional Magna(nakaw)

I want to steal your every pain,
Take whatever sorrows remain therein
I want to be the one to hold,
And warm your heart when it turns cold,
I want to be the name you call,
At the break of pride, when you take your fall

When the darkness of the world overwhelms you whole
And snuffs our the last bit of hope in your soul
Turn your eyes beside you and see me there
Lighting your lamp with a willing flare

Let my words and embrace heal you
That you may open your eyes to days anew
Find love and hope, oh there you'll see
Me standing there...if you let me be

Be the cunning thief who steals your pain
Who takes whatever sorrows remain
Who would rather stay as near and hold
And warm your heart when it turns cold

Be the name...the first name you call
At the break of pride when you take your fall

In my arms...

Easter nagging, easter visit, easter egg

"Maligo ka na!"

That was the first thing I heard from my mother as I opened my eyes this morning. And her voice sounded so foreign because-

1) my whooping cough, the medical thriller (and my alpha BSB- bwisit sa buhay^^) didn't let me into dreamland until about 5:30 in the morning;
2) she has been giving me the silent treatment (note that I said 'has' because she's still not really conversing with me in the casual way- that is unless you consider her early morn wakeup call a decent conversation- well i don't, hahaha)

I lingered in bed before she came back with a louder wakeup call. So although my eyes were telling me to just lie down and relax, I had to force myself up and take a shower without knowing the agenda of the day.

Grrr. 7am. And that cough that I can't seem to get rid of...

When my uncle came in to fetch us, I feigned sleep on the chair and heard my brothers discussing our agenda with my mother. We're supposed to spend our Easter visiting my mother's aunt. I must have been asleep when they made that decision...

The visit-



The visit turned into more of an UBE than a family affair, because my family were in the same car with my cousins' family. Naturally it's noisy and full of music and lively chatter. It's one of those good things that came out our car being hit last month (and it's still not fixed, so we don't really have a choice but to enjoy cramming into the other car).



Of course good food was in abundance; all I had to do was take and take (though I didn't go for second helpings because I easily reached my satiety level despite not having eaten anything during the day).

There's this strange dish in the menu this time that we don't usually have, papaitan ata yun...out of a dare and an agreement in the name of brotherhood (may ganoon pa eh), tinikman namin ng pinsan kong si Alain. He tolerated it. I didn't. I took a sip of the dish (sabi nila yung sabaw daw ang kinakain doon) and said, "Ayoko." My aunt laughed in understanding, saying that it's a favorite beer match. No wonder...

It gets more interesting-

My bright little cousin Mark (though for his age I would not say he's little), whose visit yesterday was cut short (we were playing Tekken3) due to time constraints, revisits today and is here to stay for a while (his parents approved of their only child to stay here with us, at his eager request). He's such an interesting persona- speaks like an adult and can master computer games faster than average. I say he's a genius. :)

Happy and optimistic about my mother scolding me this morning (yeah, how normal can that be). Like Yani (who BTW is now going to Bicol, so happy for you) said through text:

"It's a start.":)



...a start. Somehow that reminds me of something I have been experiencing this week. It seems like I've had a great deal of time to examine myself, thanks to the silence. I eventually realized that my relationship issues (secondary to my hospitalization and troubles postoperatively) caused me to unconsciously fear the unknown all the more...to be less open...to be more vigilant in my choice of relationships and decisions in my current relationships.

I don't know if that's good. Maybe it's one of those 50/50s. Maybe I should even give up thinking too much about this.

But then the fear is real...it's there and it lingers...yet...somehow...an old part of me still yearns to love as true and trust as true as I used to. (I know it sounds vague, but traumatic issues can cause an eventual shift in one's way of perceiving things...maybe that's what happened to me after all that's said and done.)

I don't know...well what's more important here is that I am now aware of it. And that issue of trust...am I ready to open my heart again to new people?

Heh...maybe I have opened my heart without even being aware of it...tsktsk...

Retreat...

OK,after my down time here I guess I'll leave. Lots to do. Read that medical thriller pocket book...strum some new chords...hahahaha. And maybe text some people who have been saying hi...

I wish me and my circle of friends (walanghiyangmgabata) can go out this summah...at least even before my birthday (I'm actually turning 21!!!) Thank God for 21 years of putting up with my bull. Hahahaha.

Life is not beautiful.
But I am. Hahahahaha.

Ok,come on- it's a change of perspective!!!:P

Profound change

Recently I feel that my entries here were...rather brief. And if it's not about personality tests, academic stuff...well, it's silence all the way. Yeah, I have been busy. The grueling semester has helped me so much

I don't really know what happened to me...but then even as I try to cover up everything, I realized I have changed drastically these past semester. I never counted on that to happen in such a short span of time.
.
Five months seemed to have been a whole year's growth span for me. Five months seemed to have taken away some measure of innocence in me...the eyes that used to see rainbows and butterflies...the heart that used to be so open to laughter and goofing off...the hands that used to hold only herself so tightly...the ears that used to ignore the painful words...the lips that used to speak most everything, even the pain...

I don't really know what happened along the way...how I woke up one day having no taste for the world, no taste for the flavors of life. And how can I tell anyone about it? About being enclosed in this cell that no light of understanding can reach...about feeling like no one will ever really know, no one...about the loneliness that so embraces me...which I loathe, and yet...she's all I got...

Well here's where being busy helped. It kept me from coming back to the comforting arms of loneliness. It kept me on the go, worrying constantly about not making it, beating deadlines, chasing teachers around, dealing with peer issues...I had enough to bother myself in my hands that pretty soon I was back on the fast track. Workaholic peach ruled once more, though this time not so efficient as before.

But then in those stolen moments of rest I caught myself scanning the empty skies and wondering about the happy days when I used to feel like nothing can stop me. It was a nostalgic phase...and then I would binge one sweets, on high calorie organic foods...whatever was there at hand. I didn't feel like coming home all the more- when I finally did I slept and slept...getting nothing done most of the time.

Since I came back from my long break there has been a big shift in my interpersonal relationships...some came, some stayed...some left...some inched away...until I realized they were already out of my reach. Well I should have anticipated it. I can give a hundred reasons for people to walk away from me...and now I can't seem to name one reason in my defense on the worth of staying around for me. It's just that maybe I have lost my will, lost my voice to assert myself...I feel like I have really lost a lot.

But I did gain something, other than the severe depression that I had to fight with nonpharmacological means- insights.

1. I realized that the world is not really beautiful. It just depends on our own perspective that the world becomes beautiful.
2. Everyone is capable of hurting anyone they interact with. Care and choice give us better chances of not being hurt. But then here's my follow-up insight: It requires true courage and true love to allow relationships to last. What is true courage? It is entrusting the keys to your heart to people whom you know are capable of hurting you (that means everyone). What is true love? It is allowing them to keep the keys when they actually do (hurt you).
3. I saw all the more how change is constant. No one is safe from it in this world. So what makes me think that me and my friends are? We will forever be moving close, forever be moving apart...and close...it takes a lot of will and faith to reach through the distance and uncertainties...
4. Infatuation briefly smolders me whole; true love constantly warms my soul.
5. Natural chivalry (which is being a gentleman void of self-interest) is a treasure. You won't believe its existence until you somehow dig it up in the most unlikely places.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It really depends on the spectator or the critic. And true beauty belongs to the soul.
7. My summary of a good relationship is: I need you to trust me/I don't make promises/I want you to believe in me/Love isn't an educated guess/You have to fall free

I admit to my bout of severe depression past my ordeal in the hospital. I admit to feeling worthless and powerless right after. And it lasted for months. I might say about 2 and a half. I lost my touch with the world. I grew cold and I fell out of reality's embrace. I let myself fall into the pit of self-depreciation. I now see it clearly, but then what's done is done. I cannot do anything better than put the past behind me and accept that it did happen.

I need to pick up the pieces left of me.
Hey stranger in the crowd, will you help me?
I am down with nothing- and desperate, you see.
I plead you- don't join them all who flee.

Used to be I counted on so many.
I thought my friendships were free.
They were there in the morn...
In the night- left me torn...
My patience is wearing thin.
Won't you help me begin?

I think I know you from somewhere.
Yes, you see through me as I'm going nowhere.
I think we've met down the road of sorrow.
I was alone; you helped me up though I said no.

Yeah, I think I've met you down the road of sorrow...

I think I know you now so well.
You already picked up everything that fell.
It's you again.
You who's left standing with me every now and then.

Sedentary Lifestyle Is Not Good For Peach

Parang bacteria lang yan at tsaka ampicillin- it's a power struggle. Hahaha.

I guess I need more time to get used to the life of a pig (buhay baboy)...with activities round-the-clock of KTL- Kain, Tulog, Laro. I know that after exhausting myself to the point of having my physical body shout "NO MORE!" by eliciting the inflam complex secondary to viral invasion of my respiratory tracts (which is very unusual for me), I deserve to rest. Anni declares a good classic cure of R&R for her viral infection.

And rest I did for the first two days, sleeping for about 22 hours collectively (almost a day of playing sleeping beauty, turns out). Hahaha. Surprisingly I still feel the need to sleep lots. I'm hogging the covers in the middle of the day (with a medical thriller "Harvest" just beside me in bed and my bearhug companion "Wig" which might just start scolding me for my maladjusted biological rhythm.

It's been four days since classes in the College of Nursing ended. Finally! Kasi kami na lang ata ang naiwan doon. Sabi ko nga kina Ian and Jrep nung nagdinner kami sa KFC this Tuesday night (yes, we had a sudden meeting right after the last exam wherein classmate ko pa si Ian^^), hindi na namin nafeel yung start-of-vacation excitement kasi nalipasan na kami...parang gutom lang na sabik na sabik ka in one minute then later when the anticipation time is prolonged...ayun, you lose the taste for it.

The working table isn't at all empty-

Well, I'm not over my stuff.

1. I have my make up duties to bother myself with. Expectedly pupunta talaga ako sa school on Monday to see how to deal with my incomplete duty hours.

2. And my operating room papers are not done. I have three more pref cards to fix. My first three pref cards told me I need an average of 1 hour per pref card to make it good (btw- pref cards, which are presented in the size of 5x8 index cards, are records...ng kaso namin sa operating room- now if we don't get 10 approved and signed we cannot really graduate and get our license as an RN).

And peach is on night call? (yeah right) hahaha-

Two days straight of telephone trip til 4am? So unlikely of me...tsktsk...I modified the habit already, ok...hahaha.

So happy with my liberty to use the PC-

Yeah, I'm blogging again. My bros have been hogging the pc for a while since vacation started. Kung hindi NBA, Freestyle naman ang trip (which also happens to be a basketball game on pc, grr). hahaha. Well...

Brother issues...

Sa totoo lang that opened my eyes to my shortcomings here in the house. With all the school stuff I've been trying to get done, I already missed out on a lot of what's going on with my bros. It makes me feel sad, especially now siyempre kababalik ko lang from the alien world of nursing (I come in peace, hahaha), so they don't seem so fond of interacting with me. It's either with each other or with the pc. Poor girl me. Hahahay. I have to take advantage of the vacation...somehow.

The deafening silence...

My mother...has been giving me the silent treatment for a week already. Nagsimula kasi siya nung nagstay ako sa tandang sora, over at my groupmate's place to do our thesis na talaga namang pamatay, pang ab-lit, eh nursing nga kami eh (sir hibek!!!). So ayun, nagpaalam naman ako. Nagkaproblema lang sa sunduan. Miscommunication. Nagkasagutan, ayun. (I can't even believe I did that)I know where I went wrong and yet my mother takes it as an offense and refused to listen to any of my explanations. Which for me is rather predictable, because all she ever listens to is...no, wait, let's revise that- I'm the only one in the family she doesn't like to listen to. Hahaha. The boys can reason. The nerdy black sheep shuts up and takes the blame. Great rule for the herd, yeah.

I just hope she recovers from her tantrum real quick now- it's been a week. Her silence has caused me so much grief and anxiety. Also, I'm becoming even sicker than before (the virus in my sinuses became a real bad infection down sa throat ko), and I can't take meds because she has the doctor's prescription. Ayun.

Next week, goodbye sedentary lifestyle again...so the most I can do about it is enjoy and relish...the life of a pig. Aw yeah...

Now into so much music. Hahaha. I'm filling my newly acquired Samsung D900 with lots and lots of mp3s (now I see the value of a memory card, hehehe).

Holding up the smile isn't easy

Yeah, we all come to a time when we realize that life's a bitch and so am I. And this is my blog, so I'm venting as much as I want! Nobody will know about it anyway! Bwahahaha. Never mind the attitude, I have always been that way anyway, Hindi ako mabait. I know that. Hahaha. You don't have to tell me I'm a bastard. It's not even a secret. Hahaha. And this is when I embrace myself in a fetal position. It seems like I have always been alone. I don't need to be told that I am just like everyone else, hoping to realize that I am not, but yeah, I am. I don't know what's wrong with my optimistic side- my overwhelming dark side seems to have turned it off for the moment. Eleven hours of sleep did not even remedy the pain. Not a bit. Reading someone's email caused me to feel the raw pain of the wound again, fresh as ever. Who said you can say anything in behalf of the class? ****s to that. You don't even know how I feel about it. You didn't even ask me. You, my dear who once became my sunlight...I know an eclipse has come- so when will it end? I welcomed you and showed you most everything they know nothing about. And I showed you your way into new horizons. You got friends who seemed to be doing a better job at keeping you happy. It hurts to lose at that part of the job description called 'good friend.' But that doesn't entitle me to forcefully quit, right? So what happened to us...to you? What about you, new friend who said you'd love me despite the odds...I hoped you'd understand me the most. Now I make a fatal mistake. You know it. I plead you to understand and help me change for the better. You insult me by challenging my capability to end it all and remedy the mistake. What makes you think you're a good friend for doing that? And you go trying to make me feel that it's not my fault and you're not leaving me...all that ****. I believed in you. It hurts because I sincerely expected you to be there to support me more than anybody else. And you just didn't fail in that...you had to make it worse for me. As for you who thinks of herself all the time. You traitor. You've always stepped on me. But I love you, you bitch, I love you and I don't know what hurts more. And for your friend who thinks she makes everyone feel comfortable and yet gives me a demeaning eye I will never forget...you mess up badly, I take you as you are nevertheless. Now I mess up. What happened to you? I don't know. I'm sorry about this. I know I will be sorry for posting this later on. Maybe I'm just affected so by my stressful semester. Maybe I'm just that darned sensitive. I just feel like someone turned out the lights in my room called life. I just feel like everyone left me to die in claustrophobia. Heck, loneliness can't kill...maybe it's about time I scheduled myself for desensitization treatment.

No, the answer can only be one...and I know it. What am I doing to myself...

If Schoolwork Could Kill...

I might as well be six feet under.
I hate being buried deep into a helpless mountain of tasks and not knowing how to get out. Well not yet. All I know is I am screaming silently, though trying to seem poised and unaffected. I wish I didn't have to go through all this.
I wish I could just sleep forever for like probably a whole week...in vacation. I want to go to a rural setting where there's trees and I could breathe in fresh air. Maybe high in Baguio would do me wonders...
I want to get this disease off me. I am such a stressful nursing student who seems to be forced with tasks she cannot refuse.
Grrrrrrrrr
I want out. Please lang. T.T
I have a life too!!!
Can anyone hear me?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OK, OK, I know this is futile...hahaha. It makes me all the more miserable. Maybe binging would do me a whole lot better.