Duty, enrollment, anticipation, reassessment.

Today I woke up later than my usual 4:40am alarm and arrived in the delivery room at almost eight in the morning. Yeah, late it is...but as soon as I was done with changing into my scrubs, my groupmates Tadz and Steph appeared in front of the doorway, apparently on their way to the enrollment proper which we all thought was scheduled for ten in the morning.

In the name of super ultimate mega punctuality (and since we had a letter at hand to get us through the gates with guard bouncers, hahaha), we took our stuff and headed towards the seminary gym. It rained. Tadz was afraid that her hair might turn into a gremlin (in other words, magulo, hahahaha benta sa kin), so with love I let her hold the umbrella and share the dry sanctuary with Steph...I mean it's just a drizzle, so I did not see the need to really protect myself. The rain's a good washoff therapy for me as well, so I just let it fall on me...until we arrived at the gym and the rain turned to a trickle and poof...

We had to wait for a long time, since the coordinators were not in yet. Grr. But it was a great time for me, since I got to see my classmates after a long time...I was very ecstatic when I saw the back of my dear Yani among the crowd...with Glennis, Maja and Ja. I took the time to greet her and we had a chance to chat. She looked very refreshed...how I love this girl, hahaha. And there was also that thinned version of Ivan just two strides away from us in the crowd...I went over and gave him a greeting. He's such a lad...hahaha.

Since it was almost nine already and I haven't eaten anything, I took the waiting opportunity to go out and get something to eat, just across the entrance to the gym. Just before I did, I met Jordy, who by the way looked fantastic with her hair down just right (it was obsessively straight before due to the rebonding treatment) and her phase of muscle wasting (basta pumayat, hahaha). After we exchanged hugs...also with other classmates of ours, she agreed to come along with me to get my chow and enroll later on. While she ordered a drink for herself, I ordered ham and cheese sandwich...now usually I do not eat burgers, but this one's different. The bun was crispy like pan de sal...and the cheese was warmed just perfectly...enough to melt with the ham. And so I had no problem finishing it...downing it with half a can of pepsi just as the enrollment began.

The enrollment proper went smoothly for me...though there were minor problems with my account...kasi may overpay ata, something like that. Anyhow, it was resolved just as quickly as it came to me.

It was slightly difficult for me to part from Jordy. But I did...since I still had duty in the delivery room...though it was not the season for baby booming...it was babymaking season, so that'd have to wait for a few months more...hahaha. When I returned, KR just finished one case, which pleased me a lot. At eleven am, we had to part with the very impressive CI and eat lunch before going to our next area, which is the operating room.

Ed Cel, Katrina, Tadz, Steph, KR and I ate at the CD Caf. We rested for a while before going up to the fourth floor where we met the members of RLE 1. They were chatting merrily as predicted. Someone had a rhinoplasty just this summer...and she's happy about the improvement, hehehe. I was glad to see Jam. But I literally jumped from my seat when the thinness of my Ahia Jo came into picture- I just had a need to hug this guy, I soooo sooo missed him!!! And I felt happy that he had already completed his ten cases, along with his other group mates. Sigh also excited me...but I felt rather put out when KR, who was obviously her closest friend in class, did not even show a hint of pleasure in meeting her again. I pretended not to notice and just chatted happily with this crazy woman, hahaha.

Past the excitement of the reunion, KR and I resumed our three-day UBE. We shared some music, wrote Chinese characters...until three o' clock came and we just waited for the staff nurse to allow us to go. Speaking of which...seeing the staff nurse really made my heart jump...not because he's a papable, but because I consider him my nemesis.

*Background: During my first case in the operating room, he was the scrub nurse. The operation turned out to be a kidney transplant, which was considerably hard and unfamiliar, since the instruments used were not common. And because of these factors I was not able to move along with the team with confidence. While the surgeon was rather patient with me, this particular scrub nurse kept on bullying me in front of the team to the end of the procedure. Plus, while I was changing back into my uniform just inside the nurse's room, he sat with no less than seven of his co-nurses and began to criticize me, even saying, 'Teka, third year ba yun? Parang hindi nga nurse eh.' Worse, when I emerged, they stopped, knowing that I heard them talking badly about me. Wala naman akong laban. And with a first timer, that sure became a nightmare that stayed with me from then on.*

Anyway, itong nurse na ito, siya pala ang may handle sa min today...at mukhang hanggang next day. I became nervous, but when he addressed the students, he turned out to be something else...he acted like a kuya to us, speaking politely while giving us useful advice regarding the shift. When he left I did not know what to think...I slowly guessed that perhaps during my traumatic experience, I just met his frustrations that day with my minor case of inexperience. Or maybe he's just being nice to potential chikas, ndi kaya?? Hmm...Sigh warned us that he is fond of putting his arm over the shoulders of female student nurses.

But who cares? As long as he's nice...then I think I can handle facing him each day...and even perhaps get rid of my fear of my nemesis in him. Hahaha. Weirdo. I'm hoping for the best.

Past this encouraging experience, I took KR to San Mig Shop to buy Nestea apple and walked her to Espana gate so she could ride home. And then I met up with Maski, Kim and Paul. I asked Maski to accompany me to buy rice box on a whim. I dunno, but a feeling of sadness came over me there...and I needed to binge. When we came back, Kim had left...Paul said he got pissed.

We went to Tinoco park. While I ate my food, Paul told me his recent prospects and recent adventures in Batangas. I was glad for him, but I wonder if this is going to end up in another disappointment..? Hay, he's got his own mind, so I should let him decide on that, hahaha...obsessive.

While we were talking, I was also weighing whether I should give my prepared note to Maski or not...or not yet. Three is definitely a crowd and I was listening to Paul...so that left Maski without anything to do while sitting. I thought that maybe it was a good time to let him read my latest creation. But then again I thought that maybe it was too soon, since I haven't mustered up my courage to just give something so heavy to him. Of course there was the scared-to-be-rejected part of me to deal with, but then I decided to be real and to do as Anni would, so right then and there I pulled out my long white envelope from my folder in my bag and casually handed it to him. I'm sure he was already expecting it...since I gave him a preview the night before. I let him read while I listened to Paul...gave him important strategical advice for impressing his current prospect, hahaha. Feel ko talaga parang kapatid ko itong si Paul, so it made me feel happy for him to open up that way to me and also take time to listen to what I think of his affairs. I hit him in the face too hard though, I think...I seriously thought I owed him an apology.

Anyway, after a while, Maski was done with reading my piece. He seemed to like it, but I dunno...I wondered if it made him feel offended or anything bad...of course that's not part of my reasons for giving him such a note. I just wrote it and offered it out of love, since I really wanted to. He said his thanks, but...anyway, I just gave him a hug and went on chatting with the both of them as Paul went on playing psp (kids talaga, I thought). Suddenly, I realized I wanted siomai on a whim. At first Maski did not want that. I was not so sure if he partly meant that or what, so I kept on asking...but not in a makulit way, for fear that he might just get pissed. I waited until he decided to come along with me along Dapitan. I wanted us to share and eat merrily so I split a tray with Maski. Back in the park, we three ate...which for me was a moment to remember because for me, sharing meals has a significance...since if one eats with me on the same container, that just means he or she trusts me...that I would not put anything bad on his or her plate, something like that. Maski amused me so much...he kept fussing over me like I would fuss over my baby girl niece...or even Lebron. Hahahaha. Not that I minded at all...it made me feel special in a funny way, hahaha. Ano ba yan...

Anyway, I checked my watch. It was getting late...and I knew I had to go. Paul had to move along first, leaving me as Maski alone to take a walk. But along the way to the carpark, I just happened to noticed how I really got taller. So I mentioned it to Paul without sensing that Maski did not like that. I felt bad about being very insensitive to his feelings. But I could not forget the sting I felt inside when Maski swore aloud just as we crossed the street because of that. I know, I know...I should have not minded, it's his life, Anni...and you've no right...but...basta, fact is, I felt that way and I half-hated myself for even caring when I should not be putting my nose in other people's business. Like swearing. Maski apologized just as I distanced myself from him deliberately in an act of protest. But realizing my position, I reinstated myself quickly. Eh bits naman rin ako, kasalanan ko rin na naprovoke siya kasi insensitive ako. So ayun. At kahit ano pang close-close factor, whatever...buhay pa rin niya yun, not mine...

Later we had time to walk around. I even met a friend of his...dunno how to spell his name, but he's got this smile I would not forget...sahia took too long to reply, at nalobat pa ko, so kahit medyo hesitant ako, kinapalan ko na mukha ko at humiram ng cell kay Maski. Tawa naman ako nung umupo kami kasi nung nag-aasaran kami, parang nasabi kong, 'Dalhin mo lang ako diyan sa isang corner tapos banatan mo lang ako...kahit duguin pa ko ayos lang.' Nung una wala lang. When he emphasized the weirdness of that statement, I laughed, slightly grasping it...but it was when I was on my way home that I totally grasped the implication of what I actually said! Hahahaha.

Habang nagmumuni kami ni Maski, biglang dumaan ang kampon ni Sahia...I had to call him out to make him see me. He was suprised...turns out he was not looking at his cellphone. But I was safe. It was also a daring moment for me, since I was with Maski...a guy who is not even a familiar friend to him. But I chose to show my dear boy because I wanted to put a double underline on what it means for me to fight for my friends no matter what. Of course fighting does not necessarily mean having to cross swords, but for me what I just did...showing my bro that I was with this guy alone...I was rather scared deep inside, fearing he might tell my mother something, or he might tell me off later on...but he didn't- perhaps he respected me? Whatever ran in his mind, what is important for me is that I just chose to be true to myself and show off my friend Maskitot, since I pride on the sparm weil spirit...ah yeah. Hahaha.

Me and sahia said goodbye to our own friends and went off. We had small chats along the way. When we got home, the first thing I did was drop my stuff, charge my phone, then take a bath. It felt good. Later I ironed my clothes, ate dinner, continued ironing my clothes again (ngpause kasi nainis na si mama when I delayed my dinner, she hates that so much)...and then upo sa harap ng pc to quench a thirst for vipertripping...dota. Just one round with the AI gave me my fill...I got bored and wrote this blog...checked my mail, friendster...those things. I was rather disturbed with Maski's stat message when I tried to go online...I messaged him, but I think he's sleeping or maybe he doesn't want to talk with me...so I just sang him a weird lullaby (I really sang, hahaha insane weird saddy) before finishing this entry.

And now my back hurts...it's 10:26pm. I guess I better sleep. I have a case to prepare for by 7am. Hysterectomy...here I go...^^

Dead scared of Monday but with faith I can do it!!!

I am unable to get an early shut-eye tonight because I'm too jittery with tomorrow's completion duty beginning tomorrow morning. I know it's not even an unknown thing anymore to be in the delivery room, but I dunno...maybe because it's been a while, and sa totoo lang hindi naman kami na-expose masyado ng groupmates ko sa area na yun due to the lack of time then.

Pero yun na nga eh, just a thought- the fact that I'm getting jitters with tomorrow...that's an evident lack of faith on my part. I react as though I don't have a God who is powerful, whose mind is bigger than anything...who is...real. Yes...the only thing that's ever been real to me...the only thing I have been sure of all my life. Sabi ko nga sa blog slogan ko sa blogspot:

"You have a habit of saying that you hate God. But you can never mean it because he's the only thing you've ever been sure of."- from Anni to Peach (referring to my negativist side)

I have to agree. See, there were phases in my life wherein I would say I hate God for this and that...but I have to admit, most of those situations that I say this are my doing too. Blaming God for things I cannot do...that's just unfair. As for those situations I don't have control of...well, I just have to trust that He knows best.

I believe there is really no such thing in this world as coincidence. There are only choices on our use of free will...which result into either a bad or a good decision. All this constitute what we call...experience. Experience, which can certainly NOT be the best teacher, but can surely be the MOST CRUEL teacher one can ever have...hahaha- I can attest to that.

And tomorrow, regardless of what happens...it's an experience- a gift of another day to live for God...to be a light to others and to grow through life for Him.

I would like to share this very special realization that I had this summer vacation, the time when I had room to think again after a long long time...that since there is no such thing as coincidence and not one of us is a coincidence...that means each day we live through is given to us as decided by The Big Guy, the One who really calls the shots. Sabi nga niya, no sparrow falls to the ground apart from the will of the Father. Kung sparrow pinapansin niya nang ganoon, ano pa kaya ang tao, di ba?

And with that, every night that we would close our eyes and surrender ourselves to unconscious slumber and every morning that we would open our eyes to another conscious day...these are miracles. These are God-given miracles, gifts of one more day to live.

God can give life, and he can take it away as He will. And as He grants us another day in our lives, we can be sure that it means something according to His intricate plans.

When I had this insight one morning during the early days of April, I resolved to fix myself up and spend more time for Him. I had to remind myself that this life is not all about me- I'm not the hero, God is. He's not the one who needs saving, the helpless one is me. I had to readjust my view of the world and this life I'm living...that my highest priority in life should not be my family's survival, my love for writing, finding true love, or even nursing- these things don't last. I had to reinstate myself in enriching my relationship with the one God, my Savior Jesus Christ, who has given me his life...who has saved me by grace. And it is only through this loving grace that I am given something which transcends mortality.

I guess I had a lot of catching up to do when summer came for me this year because frankly, I got too busy with my school and house obligations to talk to God and actually spend time with him. I am still shaky with trying hard to keep up with my devotion to Him because I know that as I am human, I am easily swayed by temptations to choose not to spend time with him. But I have to develop the habit of reading the scriptures and praying...which help me a lot to grow through life. I am not perfect, and I am never gonna be perfect, but I want to grow...be better in each gift of a day that I owe to Him whom I fear and love the most.

So there. At isang oras na ang nakalipas. This blogging really helped me realize how I am to deal with this unnecessary fear...ayy...so here I go, Lord. What should happen tomorrow? Gawin niyo pong maaayos ang muling pagtatagpo ng RLE 2.

Ayy, sa totoo lang, miss ko na silang lahat. Ay...Si Lorenz shoti na makulit at mahilig magsalita with big arm gestures, natural speaker (remember Awiyao...yahahaha, joke...) at leader na nagpapakatotoo, I respect him...si Chloe na magulong mataray, masayang kasalo kumain sa duty kasi mahilig sa pagkain, at may pa-photo session pa ang magaling, aw yeah, talentado talaga, I believe...si Joshua na natural na maloko, patawa, at pasimpleng emo (at flirt kay...), hahaha...peace! Si Tadz na magulong girlaloo, madam bully sa amin (yabang, abusive pero chika lang pala, hahahaha), at kikay queen ng grupo...kaso nagpapa-bun pa yan^^, hahaha...si Steph na pretty spongky, hahaha...masayang kachika (makuwentong bruhang ito), hahahaha...kumusta na kaya ang kanyang lablayp? hehe...share! Si Alex na gorgeously pranka, laging game kaya pwedeng pwede maging cheerleader ng kung anumang kuponan, at certainly the most beautiful face in class in my opnion, at least...si Ed Cel na ka-tandem ni Joshua sa mga chika at chikas (???) at ang so far title holder for the hottest gentleman (take note of the italics!!!) in the rle group and the class (uy, seryoso yan^^)...si Kathe na mahirit (lalo na sa bukod-tanging ka-labtim na magsasaka), hahaha...sigang pranka, at maraming ikkuwento sa amin for sure, ayyy nakooo magsalita kaaa *hugs hugs*...si KR na dinaig pa si Ed Cel sa kapayatan, nako late bumati ng happy birthday sa kin, ano ba hahahaha, at hindi ko na-miss, yah right...ndi, matakaw yan, nako, discreet lang...kakain na naman kami bukas, at makikita ko na naman pala ang curly writing niyang maliit...aaaa...XP Si Jayson, ang pinakamalandi sa rle group, matakaw na lokaret talaga, nakoo...at ang pinakamagandang 1/2 friend ko na nalalaro pa ang isip kung miyembro nga ng pederasyon.:) At ang anakis ko na si Daryll, ang predictably magiging magaling na nars sa future...mabait, nurturing, pasensyosa...mapagkakamalang terror ito pag nag-CI in my opinion, kasi mahilig manaranta, mataranta, nako, certified patient advocate...:P

Ayy, nakakamiss talaga...kahit mahirap ang dinaranas...basta.^^ Faith, pare...faith lang...makes my feet the feet of a deer, sabi nga ni Habbakuk at ni David...>.<

Hmm...Loord...aaaa. Guide my hands tomorrow...well basta ba pleasure Mo, sige lang, magpapaanak ako...and again, I pray my two most important prayers:

Lord, help me love you as you would have be love you. Help me love others as you would have me love them.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Duty here I come!!!XP Aw yeah!!! Hey, yo, let's go fight!!! Good night!

Terrified with Monday, etc.

It's just a few days before I'm back in the hospital setting again. And although it's no longer a new experience for me to be inside the delivery room with all the gore and the operating room with all the stitching, I feel a new fear within me as I think about how it would be for me to complete my cases per area.

Maybe it's because I no longer feel ready for the kill...or maybe because I don't want to experience the persecution under unfeeling staff nurses. Plus, the iron just got busted about three days ago, thanks to my careless brother Albert who turned it on high up and forgot to unplug it. Thank God it did not cause fire. But now that it's done and we haven't replaced it with a functioning appliance, well...I haven't really ironed my uniforms.

Ayyy...other than that, there is so much to think of...so little time. *rubs sore nape* And here I am just distracting myself with the droll of daily chores and killing scourges when I'm not asleep or talking to my mother. God help me. Hahaha.

Worry...

I know. I worry a lot. And it's not a fact that I realize positively. How many times do I have to remind myself (and absorb permanently) that I do not have to worry? Even Christ himself said..."So never worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Mt. 6:34)

Which is so. God would not give me, or give us something we are too weak to manage. He's smarter than anyone, the big brain behind the universe and everything in it...so why not trust him? Basically it's just a matter of trust...where it is, how steadfast it is...

"Say to those with anxious heart, 'Take courage, fear not.'" (Is. 35:4) Oh, Lord...thanks for wisdom...now if only I can just apply it in my life. I have so much to fear, but as David always sang in his psalms...He is my strength.

Ayy, worry. The word itself can say so much about its nature...hahaha. Hmm...just a few facts I've come across today...it comes from the Old English word wyrgan and Old High German wurgen, both meaning to strangle or to choke. Which is actually the case when we allow our problems to overwhelm us. Hahaha. Nice...

Incoming news: my mother just slipped in the room just seconds ago to share the news of officials proposing making texting free of charge. Which means we consumers will only pay for the calls we'll make...but this is still under study. Well, if it pushes through, then good for all. *claps*

A night to remember...

So much has happened...and I just haven't had the time to type it all in here for keepsakes...I'm happy I took pictures though. Yeah. *dances around* I'm just writing now, thanks to the inspiration brought about by Maski, when he unconsciously reminded me about it. I felt the urge to write after four rounds of scourge killing. Anyway...

Monday at Mall of Asia was really...ah, I can't even use a word to describe it properly. It was amazing. It was magical. It was...unbelievable. Maybe it's because it's been a long time...about five months since the last meeting. And also, it was a dream come true for me to have introduced a new good friend of mine to my closest friends who made it that day. There was Paulo, Bechan, Bequa, Des, Jrep, Me and my new friend...Maski, whom I introduced.

I was rather anxious when I handed out a last-minute invitation to this dear friend of mine, because I was worried that he might not feel comfortable around new people, but then, true to the words of Bequa...ang galing nga eh, parang he's one of us na...ahahaha. And it was a first for Maski to be in Mall of Asia, so I was more than happy to accompany him in his first stroll in there, hehe.

Anyway, seven of us wasn't really a problem...we had a blast even with the odd head count. We ate Italian food where I had my best taste of carbonara so far...we went strolling, played arcade games, danced...sat by the sea...Ayyy,it felt like such a short night. I wanted more time! It was such a great experience for me that, when I woke up the following day it almost seemed like a dream for me.

Hayy...I wish I could see my friends more often this year, because I noticed how the meetups are getting scarce since we got into college. Three group meetings a year was already not enough, but this time...ahh, come on...we only got two, I think. This year, the Monday meet at Moa was the first- and probably it's the only vacation meet we'll ever have. And we were not even complete, ayy. T.T But still, it does not hurt to hope for more...:)

Weird dreams...

These days had been giving me weird dreams. Mostly sad. I saw my mother's aunt, who is very dear to me. I saw my mother. I saw Tiffany. I say Tiffany's mother. I pray that she's well...I miss mommy!!! The dreams seemed long and dismal...the places in my head kept on switching. I kept on traveling and meeting these different people. Emerging from these dreams in the morning wasn't easy, because I woke up with a heavy feeling in my heart each time.

I think the lack of time to meditate on the word and pray to God had a lot to do with that. I really need to reset my devotional time and strengthen it...just before I go back to the hustle and bustle of school work. This is in line with the message: Be not afraid of those which can destroy the body...rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both body and soul. I forgot the verse, but I read it off one day...and yeah, it holds true.

But there was this one weird dream wherein someone visited me while I was almost falling asleep...put a blanket over our heads and and kissed me. Prince charming? I wish. Hahaha. But I'm not complaining...maybe I was just that tired that night...

Dota madness:

Yes, it's happened. I am now playing dota...primarily for bonding times with my bros, whom I anxiously want to spend good times with. Unfortunately my first game with an actual person turned out to be a frustrating night for me. Albert was not too happy about the way I played. Of course I was a novice, what did he expect? Arrgghh.

But the tides turned...the sun came. Hahaha. Just tonight we played two games...I'm just happy that he had fun bashing me. I improved. I knew of course that he was not playing his best, since he knew I was out for the fun of it, but that didn't matter when we were already laughing. I kept bashing him and kept respawning...didn't matter. Because he was smiling. Especially when I was being persistent and kept verbalizing as I hacked on my keyboard and mouse: Never give up!!! I thought he loved it...and so he killed me for that round. Ahahaha. Amusing.

I credit my new hobby and my new means of bonding to my second shoti, si Arvin...kasi siya ang nagturo sa kin ng basics. He's such a patient teacher...and that really surprised me, knowing how hot-tempered he can get with the simplest disturbances around him. I'm so happy and proud of the way he treated me when I was trying to learn and when we played our first battles together. We did not win, but he took it reasonably. :) Smiles to that. Ayun.

I guess I just have to choose my playmates well...just to avoid trouble. I seriously don't want to end up fighting anyone because of a simple war game. Di ba? Pointless.
Going out with mami...

Also this week, mama and I went out to shop for some rain gear and some socks. I like it when we go out spontaneously.

Speaking of which...this summer has certainly been the right time for us to bond and be closer. I used to keep distance from her out of fear, especially when she shouts. I don't even trust myself to talk sensibly with her, because she always thinks I'm up to something bad.

But this summer has been such a wonderful time with her...we talk a lot, we go out, she likes my company...and I was able to tell her many things which I used to keep from her. We played a lot of scrabble from morn to night weeks before. One day, just this week I even got to tell her about how her voice makes me tremble still even to this day. I also got to tell her that I never thought I'd ever trust her as much as I do now. I think I finally got through her wall...and we're both happy about it.

As a result, I am able to tell her about my life and what I think of things. In turn she's learning to understand me and our differences. Asking permission to go out with my friends is still not that easy, but it has certainly become less tasking...and for the first time she was not fuming silently when she came to pick me up at ten thirty in the eve...she was even talkative to me, which was a first.

I hope that things will be better and better between us. Of course we'll never totally get rid of the conflicts, especially when she's hot-headed or when I'm deprived of sleep...but yes...it's bound to get better. :) Thank God.

Karaoke day...

Wednesday was an unexpected day of leisure for me. I had lunch and chika with my mother before going to UST to get my assessment of fees, since I need it to get my tuition. Inside, I met up with two of my engineering friends, si Paul at Aldrin. After my tasks, we just sat around Tinoco. They suggested singing somewhere...we walked to Thomas Square.

On the way, Paul teased me 'til I felt that I had to run after him with one of my flats at hand and aimed right to his head, hahaha. Asar eh...but well, it's his way of having fun with me. Anyway, I did not need to throw my shoe at him...but I did get to punch him after failing to catch up on him while he ran. I'm not used to being teased so severely...but no harm done, except for the punch I willingly gave him on his right arm. *punchpunch*

Anyway, on the singing...we were only three but it was fun- I had two fun people with me who sang considerably well. I was easily entertained. I wanted to hear more of their singing, but I had my time to watch out for. After about two happy hours with them I had to leave...smiling...and just in time when my mother arrived to fetch me.

Color Me Badd's Close to Heaven:

And what a singsong day...especially when I got hold of a song I had been searching for a long time now. I was sooo ecstatic when I finally found it- Close to Heaven is such a kilig 90's song...so so love it. I finally found the title, downloaded it, ah yeah...and here are the first lines:

You know you're the only one for me
The thought of you
picks me up when I am lonely
I get all crazy when you call out my name
I'm close to heaven when your touching me

Something something...I'm obsessed with the rhythm of it...soo soo hooked. Hahahaha.
Tomorrow I'm scheduled for a Bible meeting. I seriously hope I grasp what the Lord wants me to grasp in this experience he's allowing me to have for now. My back is killing me again. Aaaaa.

While I was writing this...I realized deeply how much blessing I'm receiving from the Lord whom I serve. I have my life...my mother...my brothers...my friends. I pray that he would teach me to love him as much as he would have me love him...and that he would also teach me to love others as much as he would have me love them.

And before I close this entry...

Happy birthday mami, happy birthday mami, happy birthday happy birthday...happy birthday mami...*clapclap*

Boys will say anything when they like someone- go argue...

Just a-rambling my thoughts here as they come...

I recall the time when someone shot me down passively and told me before that typically, guys will say anything when they're in love. Hahaha.

Sometimes I admit that's what I'm afraid of. Regardless of romantic love, so-called love, or whatever it is, I am intrigued with the idea that boys are consciously or unconsciously capable of lying to get their way in a relationship. Especially the persistent ones...I don't know. Maybe there's the mysterious workings of the male instinct to get curious about...that when they are attracted to someone, they forget reason...and begin to say things in the heat of the moment...which they are prone to regret later on...

But aren't we all prone to that when we feel that we are in love...hmm...too much passion CAN kill...

Hmm...and maybe that's one of the reasons why I feel that I'm not capable of loving anyone.

Chillin' on a Saturday...

This entry must be like me...boring. Hahahaha.

Anyway...

Since the weather's been getting cold lately with all the rain, it just feels good to lounge all day like a very lazy kitten. I now take a look at Lebron who knows how to do an impressive Garfieldish lifestyle imitation...he's just there on the cold floor, lying flat like a tricolor rug in shades of white, brown and black. He hardly ever stands nowadays, except for food and following my mother for a carry/hug. Miserable sack of fleas and cellulite. Hahaha.

Happy birthday to that two year-old fleabag pala...today it is...May 18. Birthday nga niya, hahaha.

Meanwhile I just came home from my meeting with the youth members of the latest affiliation...Voice of God, which is apparently a Roman Catholic circle, but by some chance I got into it. It's wrong, since I appear odd (when I don't worship Mary and don't do the sign of the cross since it's not biblical and necessary) and I feel that I don't belong (with the already bonded group of mostly minors) whenever we meet up for activities, but I still attend with my fellows with the belief that there's a purpose why God put me in such a weird fix. Maybe I'm out to learn a very important lesson while staying with the bunch of kiddos. Or whatever...I'm determined to go on as far as I can...as the Lord permits me to. Parang nursing lang yan. Ayaw, and looked very unlikely, but now...*shrugs*

Right now I'm just sitting in front of the pc with mama. The time now's 12:45 in the morning, May 18. It's almost time for the three-day duty, which happens in the last week of May. I am still not up for the challenge of the operating room setup again. I am not yet ready to go back to the pressure...the mockery...the arrogant people...aaaaa. It's one of the many things I am currently contemplating about...preparing myself for...

On other things...

Affected...yeah, I guess that's one good word to describe how I felt just yesterday when I came across my friend's stat in friendster, which told me that after a good five-year relationship with someone, this friend of mine broke up with the other party. I strangely felt a deep feeling of sadness as I went through the sad friendster page, which told me everything. This college friend of mine is not even part of my barkada, but this fellow's the first friend I had upon entering college life (and she's still there as my forever group mate), so maybe that's why even though I cannot consider myself close to her, I got...affected.

Yeah...at least now I have a word for that strange feeling that shot me when the realization of her stat fell upon me...hahaha. Ewan. Buhay ng iba, nakikiramdam ka pa...ayyy...I just sent her a message to communicate my empathy.

Si Andrew, may sakit...ano ba naman yan, una ako tapos si Jrep, then si Drew...ayy ayy...hahaha. Weather change. Pero while ahia's trying to get rid of the fever by R&R, Jrep's just periodically enjoying the strong winds from his balcony, which is so high up...and I have to say that it must feel really good standing from there, so I'm admittedly envious of that guy, hahaha. Thank God he's feeling better now.^^

Now I'm just online, talking to my friend, si Maski...and just waiting for my ma to finish her paper works...she's just beside me...and I think there's just nothing better to do in the wee hours of this morning than to discreetly watch my epitome of a good ma work with silent diligence in front of the pc...love it, it's priceless...hahaha. Corny, pero moment tlg sa kin to...first time yta naming nagkasabay sa pc in such a late late hour...two am na pala. At this rate, baka pumatay pa ko ng scourge kung tatagal pa xa, hehehe. :P

But before that, I just want to contemplate...naisip ko lang na...am I really that trusting when it comes to people? Contrary to what most people have to say about that social attribute of mine, I seriously feel that when it comes to dealing with people, I have no one else to fear but myself...because I know that I am capable of being so soft, yet I can be so hard on others to the point of emo-psych sadism. Extremes...hahaha, so me. And applying the golden rule principle here, of course I hate that.

But I can sense such strong tendency that I have in treating people that way, especially towards people that I cherish and love...kaya nga minsan feeling ko I am not capable of loving anyone, even my friends, because I am afraid of hurting them when I cannot give them the love that I wish to give them. Hindi sa pagpapantay ng love na binibigay sa akin...that's not really possible, since we cannot measure something as abstract as love, but just to give enough...I don't know if I can handle it. I don't even know if I'm giving enough of it to make the people around me happy. Or minsan takot ko na baka masaktan ko sila...when I get hard on them in times of anger or pag tinopak ako, who knows what I'm capable of. Of course there's the exercise of restraint, but then...what if I miss that control and go overboard and...ayyy.

I guess I don't really know myself so much...kung kaya ko bang panindigang maging totoong kaibigan sa mga kaibigan ko...Minsan nga gusto kong tanungin si Jrep kung sapat bang ganito ang trato ko sa kanya...or what. Minsan gusto kong tapatin si Shane kung ayos ba ako for her...or not. Minsan pa gusto ko na rin ask si Yani. And so much more thinking...contemplating...but then these thoughts go nowhere but back to...am I doing good to these people? Hahaha. Basic, gasgas...but then...

And that makes me laugh and think of how having a bunch of friends now makes it seem inappropriate for me to have to present myself this personal doubt and even bring it out here, though of course this is my personal blog, but still...hahaha. Ewan. I just have that permanent defect of periodically speaking my mind out loud...writing out my thoughts as they come...though mostly senseless...

And somehow, this comes close as an unforgettable answer which may hush up all the noise in this restless head of mine...

"and i love raven, and i love peach,, and i love anni.. and i love saddy... and i love you...that's how it is.."- AC

Today has been a very hilarious day.

A dream came true today.

Mama and I got closer.

Dinurog ako ng combo ni mama at Albert, which didn't feel good for a while.

I had three hysterical laughter episodes because of my mother.

I accomplished my tasks for the day.

Positive reviews on my recently authored pieces came in today.

Much fun. But a lot of dark humor has erupted...But this should be over after a night's contemplation and sleep.

Bentang benta ang quote

So I can't help but share it...and ask what people think. Hahahaha.

"Alam mo ba, feel ko I'm homesick. Sick, kasi laging nasa bahay." ~ from someone I'd prefer not to name here, hahahaha

Bwahahahaha.

It's all worth it...

May 10...
  • 9:30am- I woke up feeling tired from my lack of sleep. But I was excited, nervous and anticipating that my ma would agree to let me go for a swim with my friends, although I was 70% sure it's not gonna happen (yeah, pessimism hurts), but I did not want to take that answer because my ma hasn't declared it yet, (and you know I don't believe something unless someone says it to my face).:)
  • 10:40am- I was washing dishes. Something mush came along...my little bro Keith offered to do the dishes- and insisted upon it- but I turned him down with a laugh and thanks. Ma told me to prepare...I thought then that she approved of my plan for the day...(yung swimming nga).
  • 12:30pm- Ma and I went downstairs with Lebron, who was due for a haircut that day. I brought my stuff, but she protested...that's when I realized she had no intention of letting me go (I think I misinterpreted). My heart fell as she told me off...but then she turned around and told me to bring my stuff for the swim just in case she changes her mind...
  • 1:00pm- Lebron got a haircut. It's his best haircut ever. I was anxiously hoping my ma would let me go, but I didn't mind it anymore...and I was not so hopeful...my ratio of ma saying yes vs no here was 50:50. I did not dare bring up the subject too much because it might irritate her and blow off my chances of going.
  • 2:15pm- Lebron's haircut was done. We left the place. We went to my uncle's place and mama decided to let me go, provided that I wear a shirt during the swim. I thought it was fine as I went off.
  • 3:20pm- After almost fighting, ma and I found the swimming venue. Of all the things she hates doing, it's locating a place she's never gone to. But come on, she did...out of love for me? Yah...hahahaha. Anyway, I thanked her with a thumbs up and said goodbye.
  • 3:30pm onwards- Swimming. I was so excited to bash Jrep...and I didn't mind it even the barakolets hugged me right after climbing out of the pool. Si Maskitot lang yung mabuting nakaalala na basa siya, hahaha (grr yan si Paul, si Jep, si Jrep...grrr). Hahahaha. Anyway, hindi ko masyadong naramdaman yung swim because it's just about 2 hours...and most of it was spent on talking with Andrew and Paul. Si Ken(new friend whom they kept calling yan dao) at si Kim may one-on-one rin...later si Bech at Maski meron na rin, hahaha. May part pa nga na nagbaraha kami sa tabi ng pool (tinulungan ako ni Ariez, yehey...thanks^^). Yung gamit namin plastic cards naman (thanks to Jrep), but the trouble was nung tinopak si Paul at hinagis yung buong deck sa pool (I thought Jrep was gonna get frustrated at one point, but he just laughed and panicked like everyone else, hehe)...just unbelievable...*slaps a palm against my forehead*
We had great fun pics by the pool and onwards. I can't wait to see them all- pa-grab!!! I was frustrated with my phonecam...kung kelan naman importante magpicture for documentation...dun pa nalobat...X.x

And when the night fell (I could not recall the time anymore, since I was having fun) and it rained hard, it was time to find something to eat. I was experiencing headaches but I did not mind it, since I knew that it was because I had not eaten lunch. After a bath with Bern *lol and faints* and a song from the barakolets (bj bj bj- yahahaha), we went off at Gerry's Grill in Banawe for some dinner. At this point I was already wondering what was wrong with Maski...but of course I thought it was wise to stay away from that topic and give him his own space.

Naloka ako sa kilig with the KimPaul chemistry...*faints* gaydom, hahahaha. Buti nga sport at game ang dalawa...I'm very much amused with the two of them. Kung may magtatatag ng fam club nila, ako ang presidente! Aw yeah...I want the scandal pics!:P Kaso naisip ko lang si Ken...he must have been the love of Kim before...well, at si Maski pa...nakooo si Kim pala ang salot sa kanila, kung ganoon...the philanderer...man. Wahaha.

On other stuff...si Ariez...nagleave ng impression sa akin for the night, not because he told me to stop showing my card during the tong-its session...he shows more than what he really is...intriguing, but he's the type of person who would cause me to stumble a lot, should I face him in mind games...and that's a rarity. :)

Si Bern..the shower room chat is memorable for me...it's been such a long time since we've really talked and I missed her a lot. Mistress ko to eh, hehehe...bruhang maloka, washed my back...I saw how much has changed, yet it was touching to note how we still love each other despite the distance and the moments of silence. She hit me deeply when she told me she missed me a lot and that I mattered to her.

And si Kim pala aalis na sa Monday for China...babayush...buti na rin nagkitakits kami before he went off. *claps*

Nung gabi I went off to my Tita Debbie's place. Thanks to Andrew it was easy for me to get there. But it was very hard for me to separate myself from the happy group. And I wanted to hug Maski but I could not because he was cramped up inside the car with the other guys at the backseat, so that's another unresolved issue to think about. Hahaha.

When I arrived, I greeted Lebron, watched TV, contemplated on a lot of things...then I also had the chance to talk to Maski, which was great because I really wanted to talk to him. I'm happy for him.

And I went home...was feeling sick...got worse as I climbed to my bed at 1:30 in the am and slept. Who cares, it's all worth it.

Door repairs, fridge cleanup, and 2 boxes of pizza

Today wasn't supposed to be out of the norm. But yeah, it is.

1. Pleasant wake-up call from papa J-

I woke up and initially greeted my papayush (eew hahaha)...and it so happened na kakagising lang niya, tamad talaga, nasa kama pa ng ganitong oras...look who's talking, hahahaha. And he called me while I was contemplating on whether to get out of bed or not. (Actually I already woke up at 930 and then again at around ten, but it was only at around eleven that I considered myself fully conscious.)

Ayun, chikaness, nadelay ang aking kitchen visit...maraming napag-usapan, plano plano ng mga happynings (coined by Maski^^)...hanggang ayun, mga twelve na kami nagbabay. But before that, we made another pact.*faints* Somehow I'm hoping I'd lose, but if it's worth the exchange, then I might as well push myself to the limit, hahaha.

2. Brunchie of egg, hotdogs, luncheon meat-

It's almost a miracle that my mother wasn't screaming at me; she just told me to turn on the electric fan when I finally got out of bed and into the living room where they were watching TV. Thank God. And I enjoyed a cup of my own hot hot cocoa concoction...yummeh. *sweats* Time for PC session...

3. And then he came...

Sabihin na nating narinig ni God ang daing ko kanina kay Jrep, but anyway, around three in the aft, my father appeared to me after 6 days of noshow to me, his daughter 'who constantly gives him a headache.' And instead of getting moody or angry, I was sooo happy that I jumped out of my seat and gave him a crushing hug. It was nice to see how I was already near his height (he's 5'8''). Papi's here! I can't even believe it when I saw him in his shirt of his favorite color (blue).

We talked for a while. I even told him about my friends' present of lacy underwear. He was rather against it, but he smiled.

And he told me he wanted to eat pizza, so I ordered for him (which is a first, since he's never done that, at least not with us). He went out for a while to buy coke (also a first).

But before that we worked on something- my bathroom door. It's been locked for more than a week since the door knob moved out of place. Since then I've been taking a bath in my brothers' bathroom. I had been wanting to break down the door but of course my mother persuaded me to wait for someone skillful enough to fix it for me. Now I asked my father to take a look at it. He was at first not sure, but when he saw it, he was keen on fixing it. He carefully removed the door knob (with a little force and lots of banging)...and voila, the door swung open and I was dancing Girls On Top by Boa, which he didn't seem to mind.

It took us about twenty minutes to put the knob back in its proper place...of course with damages, but the door's back and fixed. I was looking at him with so much awe and gratitude. I don't think he noticed, but I extremely marveled at the way he could fix the knob...all I did was follow instructions as I helped...holding this door part, passing tools...and I have my restroom back, aw yeah!!!

Just in time, the pizza came and we ate. Mama of course was locked in her room as usual, since it's typical of her not to want to see papa when he's there (it's out of my hands). Papi pressed on seeing her out of the room, but of course I can't do anything about that (unless he wanted me to grow lots of muscles and destroy the door, hahaha). And so it's me, papi and my brother keith who ate pizza together. We consumed one out of two boxes, downed bacon n cheese (my fave) with pepsi max and coke.

Shortly my father left...he went back to our other lot just three blocks away to manage the trucking business. Aw. But that's just fine.

4. Mama n Peachness went to market-

I cannot explain my joy when an hour later, my mother asked me to accompany her to the market to buy some vegetables and fish. I cleaned the kitchen and left with her...I felt so happy because it meant a lot for me to be her assistant again in these tasks. It's been a really long time...months, since she asked me to come along. When she treated me with silence for a month, it took a lot of effort on her part to ask my brothers to come along with her. I bet she missed having me there to just willfully come along and do the marketing with her. Hehehe. That's my conceited self talking.

Anyway it took as about an hour...it was nice, since we had time to talk. I also noticed how the prices of organic foods were going higher...it was sad. I wasn't relaxed at all when my mother made me carry a whole watermelon (yung kasinlaki ng basketball), along with two kilos of mango, fish...of course I'd rather carry them than let her do that (I told her to carry the eggs kasi macho siya, hehehe). Tapos ayun, pag uwi, linis ng bloody fishie guts, prepare vegetables for cooking, and stole the chance to clean the fridge (hindi ko natiis, kasi I noticed the crowding and it frustrated me so).

And we're having sinigang for dinner. Yeah...luto na, I'm just waiting for mama to give us the go signal to bogchis...

At this point that I'm writing this, tumatagaktak na ang pawis ko- mind you, hindi pa ko naliligo today and it's just darned hot here in my brothers' room. So after I publish this I'm really taking a bath...and I have to check my phone, just in case...sana nagreply na...:)

Bukas pala magkikita na naman kami ng mga pinsan ko, aw yeah...I love them and they love me. And on other plans, sana makaget-over na pala ako sa phobia ko sa pagpapaalam sa nanay ko sa mga plano kong lumabas next week. I want to visit Jrep! And swim with my friends! Kailan ko kaya masasabi? Hmm...