the feeling that you are always on the bottom list of everyone around you... the feeling that it doesn't matter to anyone whether or not you're there... that the world can go on peacefully without you right there for them...
the backseat occupant is someone who is never needed. in a car, all you need is for the front seat occupant- yes, the driver- so the car will run. even if the backseat occupant is not present, it doesn't matter. the driver can still keep running the engine without any whims. after all, the backseat person can even be a disadvantage...or if the occupant is not there, well...everything is still on operation... nothing to worry about. for delightful companionship, the passenger's seat is open... the seat next to the driver... that's a fine, fine position to be in.
however i try to deny it, i feel so sad because of this state...i realize i am always the backseat occupant in everyone's lives. the people around me don't care. hmmm how i want to be topsomething on people's lists... the one they would remember when they have some good or bad news.... some crazy whim or some food to eat...some story to tell... but nowadays i realize, i have fallen to this belief that wherever i go in this world, i am just the last thing on everyone's mind. people especially forget when they are too happy. recently, people around me have been receiving really good news...and i noticed how they also pass me by after that...no hearty greetings, no dinner invitations, no sincere questions of "how are you?" and not even hello that is not just being polite...especially this time when i desperately need a lot of friends beside me...nobody's really there...of course i have a lot of friends, but nobody was really present to take the time to check...or did i fail to notice that i never mattered to anyone in the first place? a few people told me, don't feel that way, you're important... but the message i receive with their actions are, "you don't matter. i don't think you're important. i don't need you." i am sensing it might have a lot to do with my love language...i treasure quality time and words, so i get equally disappointed when i am hit in the same method. i don't know. i am messed up with this thinking. maybe i believed too much, expectd too much... or did i get dragged by lies that i can be on anyone's passenger's seat?
the fact remains that i feel like the perpetual backseat occupant and that it's nobody's fault. i cannot expect, cannot ask, cannot request...i cannot complain because nobody is perfect. nobody can ever really know this. i was the fire...now i am the invisible wind. maybe it's a seasonal thing...whatever. i am alone. Lord, why is this happening? i feel hurt. but i know, You have my cure for this secret loneliness...give me that please...so my holidays will be good and i can go back to caring more about the people around me, even from the backseat.