I Surrender All: April 2010

1. I'm just asking God to saturate my sulcus and gyrus...so that I may be more like him each day. I can tell from ym journal scribbles that it's my #1 current desire...I just want Him to tell me what to do and how to go about my career and my dealings with my family...that I may find my strength and wisdom in Him...I wonder if I can go the distance this year..? Have I really made a change that will glorify Him? Do I think and make decisions based on His understanding? Have I grown to trust him more than last year? I don't know for sure..but I do know I want to be more of what He wants me to be.

2. I found a strange but warm realization as I came home from work one day this week. I felt unusually charged up and cheerful as my family screamed and beat each other in games of Nintendo Wii. Ang ingay. It's a refreshing hype apart from out previously busy months when we'd be away from each other most of the time due to varying scheds... The time we had together...which for a while felt so alien to me as it's been a long time since I've felt it... it just poured in an immense measure of blessed happiness deep within my soul...somewhere down in my heart I know I've been wanting this...and I have it here for a limited time... Sa sobrang tagal na atang hindi kami nagkakasama nang ganito sa bahay, parang kakaiba na hindi ko agad naipaliwanag. It's positively different when everyone's in the house- my ma, my aunt, my 3 brothers...this is my family. This is my sense of 'home.' Grabe, what a blessing... And after a long time, it seems, I've never felt this eager to come home...to cook...to clean the house...(is that really me talking..?)^^ But then on the side, I wish I wasn't working during the holidays...I wish I had more time to rest and spend with them...I'd beat them at golf and bowling, I will! *frustrated* but I have to go to work...tsktsk...

3. Skip Beat's taking over my days like a storm in sunshine! I love skip beat! I could not stop reading it! It's about daring to dream of something more, especially when everyone else says you can't and you won't. It's being the unexpected when confronted with the unexpected. It's pushing against the waves of dull common sense when you know you just got to give it a shot before deciding to accept going with the waves and moving on...hoping somehow to create ripples which will start a tidal force that will sweep out successfully against the pacific current. In simple words, it's about this sheltered girl who suddenly realizes that someone she loves betrayed and played with her- and to exact vengeance, she pursues showbiz to beat him at his own game (he's a singer). At first it's just a battle of pride...but later she realizes her love for the craft and finds her own voice in the midst of her wonderful new world...

4. "I'm worried about your health," my brother told me just yesterday as I walked around the house to clean and cook. It meant a lot for him to say that, as I am strangely motivated to pay attention to my physical wellness. All the more reason to quit my job asap, as it's undeniably taking a toll on my health- and I know it.

5. Lately I felt betrayed by two of my friends who chose to feel 'bad' when they heard a rumor about me. Someone spread the talk that I was going to just disappear from the workplace- which is obviously not true. Had I not randomly told them about feeling unhappy about someone spreading false gossip about me, they would not have come clean with this issue and told me how they felt. ("You know that's why we were slightly irritated by you recently..!") Ouch. Honestly, you guys...I expected you to have had more faith in me...fact is, I would have felt proud of you had you confronted me with the issue at once. That would have been much better. But no...you just reacted right after hearing it through the grapevine...just like everybody else. And that hurt. I know I have to tell you about this...just to make you realize and thus grow from it. But I don't know if it's even necessary and I can't even earn the guts to tell you as of this time...maybe because I'd cry...Well, it's a risk taken for expecting more than zero from you guys...partly my fault too.

6. I didn't want to admit it before, but I now have to acknowledge that I am currently developing a chilidish affection towards Mr. J, who's always stood for me despite my peculiarities which most people would typically brush off as weird. He treats me as importantly as his friends, despite our obvious differences. Well he's a guy so he's rowdy most of the time (and I think that's rather weird for someone about seven to eight years my senior), but I don't mind...he takes the effort to understand and listen to my opinions. And he doesn't mind sharing a few laughs...lots of real tactics in business...and food. He's so cool! And he respects my fashion...my principles...my tastes...my limits. I can't help but just draw closer to him. I just want to communicate with him through the day, whether it's about serious business or just some crazy idea. Yeah, of course he's got that other side of himself...the dark side which he never denies. And the fact that he admits to having that, I like him a lot more.^^ He's not as pretentious, insensitive and narrow-minded as most guys I've met... maybe it's his age... *shrugs* But I guess everybody else never figured how I really gush with awwws when I sweetly tell him that I hate him. The glance and the smile that I throw him gives it away...I hope not too much as to be misinterpreted.

7. I composed this as a response to my own state of getting too caught up in my own world: "There IS a bigger world out there. It's just up to us to decide whether to pass upon it in quietude...or to crash into it with flair!"

8. Currently I need lots of sleep and I want to drink black gulaman in Siomai House. Grrrr why does it have to be closed this weekend...T.T

9. I had the chance to engange in a heart-to-heart talk with my closest cousin, Shane, who's currently finding herself in the dark...I can sense how her heart's twisted in pain and confusion right now. I am figuring it's because of a hurtful incident from last year that she didn't somehow find closure or resolution for. I tried my psych skills to bring it out in the open because I felt she should stop denying it- it's poisoning her system and destroying her sanity. I advised her on how to cope well by gradual desensitization. I think she should dare to confront the memories...and ultimately the incident. I also told her the need to forgive herself...as I felt that unconsciously she's stabbing herself repeatedly for partly taking a wrong turn (it happens, dear...). Most importantly, I stole the opportunity to pray for her...only God can heal. *hug* I love that girl...I hope she knows.

10. Zion's grad was wow. It sure got me inspired as well to get a move on in my nursing career...I suddenly had that nagging feeling that God intended for me to reminisce and witness the event, if only to remind and motivate me to go for what I'm desinted to be. Nevertheless, I unusually felt happy and proud for him for having made it that far. I felt honored to have been invited...though at first hesitant because I didn't want to come off as some proud... Anyway, I think he deserves it. Aside from that, I found the company of his family rather warm...though brief. Ang cool nila, hehehe. And I confirmed one funny thing about this friend of mine...yeahehehehe... *mysterious silence* Too bad I had to slip away too soon and snooze for my night shift. I wonder when I'll be able to see Zi again...he was arranging a camp for this weekened...I'm sure it's going fine at the time. God bless him.^^

(totally random...i wrote this in groggy state just before I fell (literally) asleep)

...somehow I feel that when I let myself drift off with my pen right before falling away to dreamland, my innermost desires expose themselves and spread willfully over my journal as easily and as clearly as a reflection of my face is revealed on the surface of a body of water when i turn to face it...

and i do believe this IS my desire...

I want You to be my only thought
My only pleasure to the depths of my soul
I want to be lost in the home of Your embrace
Jump into Your arms, not holding back
I want to fall all over Your clear blue sky of promises
I want You to be my only love

Only You, only You
I believe in the perfection of You
As You lead me to understand
The beauty of You and me
I can't ask for more
Only You

I want you to be my solid reason
My sole conviction to the corners of my mind
I want to revere you, trusting Your justice
My wings of hope in the unfair life
I want to fly on, be great because You are
I want You to be my only love

Only You, only You

I believe in the perfection of You
As You lead me to understand
The beauty of You and me
I can't ask for more
Only You

Mold me into Your likeness
As I can't figure me out
Shape me and set me as You gladly will
As only You can
Only You, only You

I Surrender All

10 random things

Gusto ko... (whims of a kid)

Only You