I feel like I am doing something wrong with this love of mine with God. I am not so sure. Darkness is closing in. It seems like I am not being more of Him each day. Or maybe it's a personal disappointment on expectations never met. I want to love God and be more Christlike each passing day, but I feel like I'm not doing enough to achieve that, and as a result, I feel that I am being pushed in a downward spiral- and I seem to be powrerless to stop it. I am starting to question myself again...my faith...is it really worth my time? Should I go be the Christian rebel, blasting against the current, or just break the pressure and go with the ocean? Being critical about my spiritual life...that was how I was. I prefer to think that it's another side of mine, another person that I choose to put on death row each day. But why this now... I don't want to go back...if that means choosing to become a fool for Christ, then I'd rather have that please... the 'foolishness' of God is way way better than the smarts of man anyway, as far as I know.
But what is happening to me? In my inner room of solitude, I am compelled to think of going back to the edge and living my savvy life, going solo... contemplating on life's queries as I please... but I go back to the truth that I know for sure:
Do I have the answers? Who is truly in control?
God help me. You know the drift, Love... if I'm on to something harmful or wrong, You stop me. Please. Why do I feel like this love is dying on me? But You know that I love You...feebly as compared to how You love me, but I try... If it's not enough, MAKE IT SO IT'S ENOUGH!
...
As for other things-
Quitting on mid-May- Definitely out for it. Lord, going for your game plan...
Hospital job. No idea, but going for it with faith.
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