Just this week I realized that during these mellow months, I had the chance to look at my psychological mirror and get more acquainted with myself. It is not the most pleasant phase.
But I need the experience. I guess seeing more of me gives me quite an advantage. I am well aware that my worst enemy starts with S- the self. Know thyself, know thy enemy...that's how it goes...
So, what have I discovered so far? Two things:
1. I have a detachment tendency. Whenever I find something unfavorable, what I often tend to do is to retreat to myself in order to contemplate on it.
I am quite fond of contemplating...I spend a lot of time thinking, so much more than most people that even one of my mentors warned me that maybe overthinking could lead me to paralysis. And there is much truth to that. I find it hard to take my next action whenever I'm tempted to run away into my own thinking. Perhaps I ought to reconsider the amount of time I spend in brewing strategies in my head.
Next!
2. After reflecting on my career status, I finally realized today that the only activity/career that can be oh-so pleasurable for me is writing. Or at least it's at the top of the list. I want to be a writer. Maybe this accounts for a part of my frustration and... misery..? Naw, maybe just discontent.
Ever since I picked up my first P8.50 notebook in the mall when I was eight, I knew in my heart that this is what I would be happy doing. But then again, it's not practical. With the family issues going, I can't go thinking about myself first. (This is weird, my eyes are starting to well up as I type this)
And so under the influence of my mother, I started to smother that desire when I went to college... I think I did put out the fire for good. And now I feel like I'm really going nowhere...
Careerwise, am I really satisfied? Sure, nursing's been great...it's given me a lot of unforgettable experiences. Diving into business is also a smart move, but is it really my niche? My aunt said before that each one of us has a niche in this world. Of course our priority will always be God's pleasure, but it matters to know (and be in) the area where we function best. Maybe that's the reason why I've kept looking for other options, hoping to escape my current situation and go to where I naturally shine...or function, at least...
I feel useless.
Although it's today that I had this realization, I think that this all started one day when a good friend of mine who happens to be a good writer sent to me a link to her published works in a famous magazine...again. It's wrong to feel this way, but I have to admit, I am so so envious that I didn't even bother to read the article. I should be happy for her success, but why this heartache?
...
And now this. Well, self- you got me this time and I'm staring right back at you. Congratulations.
...
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