Very recently, despite having no more room for open sentiments, I had tear-flooded sessions with the Lord (as of this time I think he's the only one who makes me cry). And silence. I wonder why sometimes God does not seem to talk back when I need him to talk sense to me. Especially now that I'm going through another transition in my life. I can't seem to figure out what to do next, but I am being taught to trust in him to lead me on...
My aunt says it's okay to have silence sometimes. I read that from Yancey too. There really is a lull in every relationship. God holds a mirror in front of you to reflect on your current status in these moments... my aunt confirmed that. But my faith dims when I hear nothing from God...guess it's the human tendency... or maybe that's a misinterpretation of how I severely long for him, dreadfully miss him in his temporary 'absence.'
Speaking of faith...sometimes my short-sightedness gets the best of me... I hope not this time, not much this time... I can only take so much...
God is showing me a very big scar in my heart. Yes, I recently seem to give people the impression that I am strong, and they tell me a lot that I am such a strong person who seems to have a good grip on herself...I dunno if that's mostly good, but I know and God knows so well that I have my weaknesses to deal with. I praise God for the strength he gives me... the grace he offers freely despite myself. And part of that process, I am seeing a scar... closely related to my male figures in the family.
I feel helpless about my relationship with them, like a part of myself is missing in me because of this deficiency in filial love. I feel frustrated not being able to bond with my brothers. I feel sad over the fact that I long to tell my older brother how I love him and how I appreciate him for taking care of me in place of my father for most of my life, but I hold back because we are not brought up to be that close. I feel broken over the situation that I wish to go home and see my father there to greet me with an occasional yummy dinner, but no, I have to make these one-a-week visits to have some dinner and talk business with him, then leave him there to go home to my mother and my brothers.
I don't understand it. I can confidently say that I hold no more anger against my father, but why this heartache... and where did that word come from..?
...
This weekend I was given the time to think about it. I rode a bike around the neighborhood of my older folks and felt the wind against me... I felt like flying and being one with nature... for a moment, I felt the simplicity of existence. For a brief moment I was given the chance to reflect on my life. I went back to the realization that indeed, nothing lasts in this world. Everything- house, family, food, career, romance... they all go down the drain at one point in time. I was reminded of the tragedy that struck Japan, and thought of how easily things can be gone in an instant. It doesn't really matter... Ecclesiastes' first lines put it perfectly, 'meaningless, meaningless!' Everything is indeed meaningless because it is temporary.
But one thing counts- my relationship with the Lord. He is the only one who matters to me. He is forever. He transcends this dying world. So I thought... the truth is just so simple, and life does not have to be so complicated. Only Jesus matters in this life. Everything else may perish, but His word stands forever. So all I got to do is just take it easy. Work, and just go on living as a normal human being should, but take it lightly and see long-range... my ultimate life goal is not of this world, but on the next. As for the matters of the heart, ah... also temporary, whatever. I don't mind much anymore if I do have a husband- I'm not alone anyway.^^
Oh Lord. I want a piece of your mind. I want to relish in your wisdom and wonderful being.... I know I will never understand your mind, but give me what you will. And thank you for your love- more than any form of knowledge, that's all I need! I love you!
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