Panic or Lack of Trust?

I feel anxious. As usual, like an eager frequenter of the back seat, I find myself attempting to take the wheel from the Lord in this journey called life. When troubles arise or when I find myself feeling powerless in the midst of problems and hopelessness, I struggle more than ever in trusting God and just sitting comfortably behind His will.

Currently my father stopped giving me monetary support, just like that. He withdrew his support just because he wanted to. I think it is too sudden and somewhat unfair, but what can I do? I can just accept this change and trust God more than ever to help me survive and grow in the process. Maybe this is a chance for me to learn money management- budgeting.

On the other hand, I sometimes think that maybe I can be more helpful to my family (and myself) by looking for a job with a much higher salary. I am looking at the call center industry for this. Of course it's a boring but practical option, but the point is, it pays a lot more than my current job. This idea must be a sign of panic in me. I have to admit that I am not used to poverty. It sounds bad, but it is true. In addition to that, I think that the most pathetic experience in the world is hunger and that one of the saddest situations is an empty fridge. I don't want to suffer these things. Maybe that's why I am finding it hard to accept this new and strange adjustment. The truth came to me in full blow just this evening. Just a few days past my 24th birthday, I have to work or else I won't have my own money to spend. I will go hungry and be a bumming adult, jobless and useless. I can almost hear my mother insisting that I should not be thinking of such complications of life yet, that as long as she's there and we're together I don't need to panic or hurry in earning my keep. She is a very caring mother, but I guess this is one thing she finds hard to understand in me. I do feel a strong obligation to be independent as fast as possible so that I would be less of a burden to her as a daughter.

I am keeping my feet planted firmly right where I currently am in this stage in my life, just because I choose to trust God to know better than me. I am perplexed with how things will unfold beautifully from this point...but yeah, I have my hands tied. I am trusting the Lord. Ang hirap! But that's it! God help me!