I wish I can put music into this. hahaha. :P

Something I write derived from an actual incident one night...hahahaha. :)
Where do I get my inspirations...hahahaha.
Weird tlg.

Ok, enough ridiculous sentiments.:) Good night!

Miles away from me

I hold you close
In the midst of my silence
The sadness grows
The moment, tense

Finally, you left in the cold night
Left me with just one kiss

Now nothing feels right
But your voice, bringing promise

For another day of smiles
Which is long yet to be
Because oh you're miles
Miles away from me

You text me, 'hello dear
I'm missing you just now.'
Well you've got nothing to fear
I carry on somehow

But I fail to see the sidewalk
Tired, eyes blurring with tears
I feel no urge to talk
Coz' there's no you who hears

And nothing feels right
But your voice, bringing promise
For another day of smiles
Which is long yet to be

Because oh you're miles
Miles away from me

Where does your help come from?

I'm really happy. Yesterday was monumental.

I stayed for the bible sharing session of my beloved Tropang Chong. It's the third session...

I cannot explain the feeling of happiness that overwhelmed me yesternight as we tackled the nature of the Lord as our Great Physician. He heals us whole.

I just hope may pumasok sa mga senses ng mga loka, since some of them were still unfocused, mga pasaway...well, I hope God will establish the sched, especially next sem, para makastart na ko sa basic steps to spiritual growth...Lord knows these kids need a lot of spiritual nourishment...

Ang hirap kasing magtackle ng principles unless they know the basics. But nevertheless...I put my trust in God who knows all and controls all...

Where does my help come from?

Topic was, where does our help come from? If we know where we set our hopes to, if we know who to consult first in every hopeless and helpless moment, then we will never be left insecure even in the midst of such unwanted circumstances.

It's like when my uniform sleeve gets burned due to a freak ironing accident...should I go to a shoemaker for repairing? Of course not. I should go to a dressmaker with the right equipment. Baka masira pa ng shoemaker pag pinilit ko di ba? It happens. :)

Parang ganun din kay God. He's perfect, he's all we need. If we encounter trouble, 'seek first the kingdom of God and all his righteousness...' We will always be secure if we got our hearts in the right place...if we put our faith in the One who made us and knows us better than anyone. Why settle for mediocrity if we can settle for the BEST?

I'm not saying that it is wrong to ask for human help. I'm just saying that we ought to ask for expert help before we move...since if we first allow God to guide us and take full control of the situation, then we will surely get to a good solution, praising him who helps and guides us best. Parang driving. God is just beside us, waiting for us to give him the seat. We struggle, but come on...he knows the right way, the best way. Let him be our direction in everything.

The nature of man is to seek God last, pag wala na talaga. Yung sentence na, 'Diyos na ang bahala' is usually uttered when all humanly possible has been done in a tight situation. Hindi ba? Sadly, this is reality...natural sa tao gumustong maging independent. Gusto sariling paraan. My problems, my call. Hahaha. I'm gulity of that.

But what does God have to say to that, according to his word?

In everything we do, we ought to 'take our every thought captive to Christ everyday,' and we ought to 'trust in the Lord, and lean not on our own understanding, in all ways acknowledge him- and he will make our paths straight.'

Let us remember that, 'He is the only way, the truth, and the life.'

Lessons in solitude

It's been such a long time since I logged in here to write something out of nothing. As usual, I'm not my usual self as I enter here. Ewan ko ba...rejection does come as a heavy issue for me.

Right now I'm supposed to go home but since I'm waiting for the curse of the color coding to lift from the car tonight at 7, I just have to find something to do...which is rather a miracle nowadays in the hustle and bustle of fourth year life. Yeah, I'm graduating in a while, but I don't even seem to feel it. I just go with what I have...

And I'm talking and rambling about virtually nothing significant. It's just surprising to find myself seated here at the sixth floor of our university library, just passing time away with less important stuff when I'm supposed to be working at my nursing stuff, which had been long due...ewan ko ba. Pero as usual, pag hindi conducive ang surroundings, hindi talaga ako gagalaw. Extremes ika nga. Pag sipag, gogogo! Pag tamad, all the way baby!

Hay. Honestly, I have to admit that I'm not in the mood to work because my heart wish got rejected. Heart wish definition: any wish I want to fulfill out of a childlike longing and is not related to serious career decisions. Ayun, so after dreaming about it for a week I realized today that I had to fall back hard into reality and wake up- realize that I'm not for that dream that I was aiming for. Some dreams are, as cliche has it, not meant to be. Grr.

Kaya ako sad.
Kaya ako nagmumukmok dito mag-isa.
Kaya ko ayaw gumalaw.

Kaya ko kailangang mag-blog uli after a while. Wala kasi akong mahilang makasama ngayon eh. Kala ko di na ko mahihirapang maghanap ng kasama since fourth year began, but then...yeah, I guess I will always have my solo-flight moments even when I do not desire them that much anymore. Dati kasi it felt comfortable to be alone, and I occasionally still choose to be alone, since I don't want to be a burden to anyone, or I don't want to drag anyone and let someone be my burden, or I just want to be happy alone..?

Or am I really happier then when I am alone? I don't know. Now that I AM alone again against my will, I realize how long it's been...and how companionship feels like a much much amicable option for me now. I guess I changed immensely in that aspect. Weird. I'm still growing up...even unconsciously. Hahaha.

Principle of subsidiarity? Man cannot live alone? No man is an island? Yeah...hahaha.

And how funny that God makes me realize again in these moments that I need him so much, with or without human companionship. People will not always be visible right beside me. Friends will say hello and go. Relationships around us are like leaves: sure they flourish in spring when the time is right, but also given the time, they wither, they fall...they die.

Which is why it is important to put my security in God who will always be with me.

Hmm. I think that's the best realization I've had today. Hahaha. Maybe I should go now. It is getting dark...

Eni's thoughts

Eni's thoughts:

Perhaps it really takes time to train yourself to be perfectly honest with me.

I don't know if I'm being the hindrance. Or maybe you.

But it hurts to realize that, after everything we've been through, you still cannot bring yourself to be honest to me.

Thankfully, you're such a bad liar that I see through the poor attempts you make to mask it.

I always want to express to you how much I care and how much I love you.
I love you, I really do. I've proven that to you in such a way that even I cannot fully rationalize.

But how can I completely express that when you don't even want to believe it?

You say you love me, and that I mean so much to you.
But you can't even bring yourself to trust me with that.

Well, maybe it takes time. When will that be?

...

When I'm crying in front of you because of the hurt?

...

Or when I've said goodbye to you-
...forever?

Heart's not blind

-new piece...
cheap shot, but whatever. remember kids, boredom is poison! and i don't have a death wish for the meantime! hehehe...

Hard to pretend that I can't see
Every meaning of love you give
And yet I turn away 'coz we
Rush things, I think...but we won't leave
This love we doubt yet trust as much

So please believe, it's hard because
No less I hurt...my heart's not blind
One stolid look of nothing such
Takes more of me for what it does
Brought by your eyes which try to find
Love therein...beyond...behind...

I wish to speak, for I love you, but
No less I hide...my heart's not blind
Denying myself...for you I must.

Because I know my heart's not blind.

Not so much of myself without you

It's just a song in my head
Forget it, just listen through your eyes

When all that is left unsaid
Is all I can hold on to realize

That I'm not so much of myself without you
Not so much happy if you're not right here
But I know it, I know what I have to do
And I learn to suffer without fear

I know you're fine through the silence
Say you love me still, but who is she
Who has taken my place...no I'm not dense
So though I love you, I'll let you be

When all that is left unsaid
Is all I can hold on to realize

That I'm not so much of myself without you
Not so much happy if you're not right here
But I know it, I know what I have to do
And I learn to suffer without fear

A poem...*bow* hehehe

Season

You're just a season my love
Sent from heaven above
It seemed

Caught me looking at you
And I thought I knew what I'd do
But no

Yeah you seemed worth the wait
Thought I'd have it too late
Yes I did

But as your olive grandeur
Faded brown, that I'm sure
You did

I just realized my dear,
Since I've known of my fear
I should

I should just wake up, wake up
Dreaming is over, time is up

I should just get on with the season
Let it go, go, go, go, go...gone