Chocolate Stories

I felt unusually special recently with the chocolate effect...

Nips:

One day I was feeling very off the mood...and there was Yani...Arianne...who met me outside the room and asked me for the second time during the day kung okay lang ba ako...of course I said...nah, I'm not...but I'll be fine...thanks. And then she handed me a big pack of Nips...na alam niyang gusto ko. I was surprised...didn't know what to say but...thank you. Pero grabe talaga nun, in my sad moment, gusto kong umiyak nun kasi sobrang naparamdam niya sa kin how I mattered to her...and it felt touching...it felt right. Aaaaa...so overwhelming, the blessing of a Yani! Thank you...

Nips (part 2):

Nasa Rosarito Street kami ni KR, perpendicular to Dapitan Street...wanted to eat something then we encountered Carla and Val, eating tusok-tusok...ayun, join naman kami...later in the middle of the fun chitchat, si Carla binigyan ako ng Nips...medyo nagulat ako kasi I really liked one earlier and she was handing it to me without being aware of that little yearning, hehehe. I wanted to cheer myself up, but then here they are, three of my friends who made me laugh for a good long hour before the rain fell and we had to disperse...^^

Baby Ruth, Snickers, Butterfinger:

About three weeks back, a very dear friend of mine, si Aldrin, binigyan ako ng Baby Ruth, Snickers at Butterfinger one day...much to my astonishment. I was really happy then na naisip niyang bigyan ako ng sweets...kasi ayun, para sa kin the unanticipated delights really count more than the expected. I felt really special kasi it's from him, and even in the busy moment naisip niyang bigyan ako. Pero may underlying asar yun eh...kasi alam niya na never ko pang natitikman yang mga yan...out of choice and uncertainty (kasi nga takot ako sa bagong panlasa, okay...). And I haven't eaten any of them because I'm still waiting for the time when I'll dare myself to bite...and also, ayoko kasi kainin kasi pag kinain ko, wala na...sentimental thingy...hahahahaha. Kids...

Cookies and cream chocolate (c/o maglalako from San Lazaro Hospital):

Vday was a working day for me and my groupmates in the Female Surgery Ward. It wasn't so much for sweets, but then yung maglalako sa San Lazaro, dumayo dun sa room namin (you know, yung guy na naglalako while saying his trademark advertisement: 'Masarap...*with feelings pa*" hwahahahaha). I was curious so I bought some. But before that, one of the guys from the afternoon shift na nandoon na, si Gian, whom I just had a chance to have a chitchat there with on that day, handed me a cookies and cream choloate in a small cupcake mold. I casually thanked him for that, but it strangely made me feel happy in the midst of the chaos of work...kasi hindi naman talaga kami close, pero ayun, he just wanted to be nice there.

White chocolate with rice crispies and colored candy sprinkles (c/o maglalako again, hehehe):

Yesterday was a very tiring make-up 10-hour duty for some of us in the Neuro ward, 2nd floor CD. I wasn't so thrilled with the idea, waking up early on a supposedly no-class day (which I actually deserved naman, come on anni). But it turned out to be predictably different and fun...since all of the members of the 'RLE' group were generally warm and nice.

Kakatuwa nga si Joan, TL for the day...and kulit, hahaha (walanghiyang TL yan, itakwil na nga:P).
Si Mr. Wee (Darwin Wee) at Mrs. Wee (JV Yatco), ayun tandem pa rin...and I really appreciate their presence...and the opportunity to have duty with them.
Si Dons (the other Mrs. Wee) at Sigh...ayun, kulit din, dami kwento.^^
Si Steph at Alex, siyempre ka-RLE ko yan...love to have the duty with them, of course.
Si Chesca, Kat, Isa, Myron at Jude...cool din naman, willing to cooperate and join the group.

At some point during the duty hours, dumating na naman si malalako. Sabi, "Masarap.." Hahaha. So bili kami. I bought the whole pack of white chocolates...later bigay bigay...it also helped me start conversation with Jude, whom I saw as silent, pero ayun daldal din pala, hehehe. Nagulat din ako kay Isa kasi I didn't expect her to give me polvoron...kids ba...pero ayun, nagulat ako with her sweet gesture and so I gratefully accepted.

Okay, ayun...informal chocolate kwento...hehehe. I want to eat chocolate!

Death and Life in experience

It's ten minutes to seven and I'm still here in school...in the lib actually, trying to be busy and useful at the same time. Supposedly I'm on my way home now, but then change of plans...mama has to attend to some emergency, so I stay and wait for my brother to finish his classes in an hour and a half...

So! What's interesting about today...

Well, we had our special area duty today in the ER and CKD. ER wasn't exactly as filled in the morning as it was in the aft...and CKD only meant standing for so long, checking on machine figures, taking blood pressures every 30 minutes or so...But I'd say it was fun and was a very enriching exposure in the sense that I had the chance to see other patients with specific needs.

Thought for the day: Malas kaya ako?

Last week I had a patient who died on me on my second day with her. I did postmortem care and took her to the oven (hehe aka morgue) on Friday the 13th. When I got to back to the ward another patient died...great timing. Hehehe. My prof later remarked to us that it's a record- two patients dying, two postmortem cares in one shift and in one day...hahaha what a track record...

And then just a few hours ago I handled a patient who suddenly did not wake up anymore...well, I know it's from a med reaction given per IV...but then after the incident he never woke up and that worried me a lot, though I now have yet to know what happened to him because I could not stay for long after he lost consciousness. We were trying to pinch him on the chest area to wake him...he wasn't responding to the pain. GCS=3...I hope he just fell asleep...but no...score says he's in a coma. Grar. *frustrated*

Well, consclusion is there is no such thing as malas. I know I did my best in taking care of these two patients...the mother of the patient who died even held my two hands hours after the incident and thanked me for doing a great job of service which they all felt in the social circle of the patient. The patient a while ago who had to stop his dialysis...well, the relatives seemed alarmed but then they knew it was from the medication, so not my thing...and also, he was hypoglycemic as recorded. CBG=60mg/dl (normal is 80-120mg/dl).

So no, no...no Anni, you're not the cause of trouble, the relatives love you, in fact...hahaha. Too much that they even give you oranges, jollibee, choco crunchies, hugs...ask for your number...(but hey, I didn't accept all of them...except for the choco crunchies which I took only after a playful/real threat that if I didn't, the post-cranio patient would become more stressed out and that would cause increase in intracranial pressure and would cause him to bleed some more postoperatively through his nose (which would then be my fault)...talk about good blackmail, yeahehehe).

Also, a while ago I suffered an allergic reaction I think...I dunno what it was out of the many things I munched on but my nose became scratchy for about an hour after a binge by the hepa line perpendicular to Dapitan street. I don't have any known allergies...but then what's with this...hmmm...I'd put a tab on that and include it in the 'for further observation' rack...hmm was it the homemade chili sauce I sampled..?

And I checked some biblio...I was looking for 'Dysgerminoma,' but then I couldn't find a free journal article on that in relation to pediatric clients...one of whom I handled. It's a minor problem...I already have backups though, so I don't mind.

Wishlist of things to do:

-Figure an impressive pair of Nursing Care Plans for Ma'am Libut.
-See Mrs. Aromin.
-Eat chicken feet at Causeway.
-Spend time with Jrep.
-Get my Pref cards completed, c/o Ma'am Natividad.
-Be present during friday for 'youtube reaction vid shoot.'
-Do the writeup for Jords.
-Buy mamita some flowers.

Spiritual Hunger:

Recently I know I haven't been too attentive with my appetite for the Word. And it's draining me so much...I've been more fatigued, more easily irritable, binging more often...and it's all because I'm not feeding spiritually. And it's got to stop. Today.

The Lord impressed on me this question two days ago: 'How far have you gone from me?'

And I could not answer...and I felt very sad, because I know so well in my heart that I've been such a shame for his name...and I need forgiveness badly. I need to repair my life..repent and get back on the right track where there is true happiness and peace with Jesus...amen to that.

Also, in my moments of weakness, I dreamed of something that he wanted me to do...I'm not so sure at the time what it means to me, but I just know...I need to overcome the darkness through Him who gives me strength. I am a child of God...and I hold the surest love that no one can take away from me.

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me
*Ahahaha. Kasama ko si Stephie ngayon dito sa nitro. Nako, kawawa ako, binubully kasi ako. Huhuhu. T.T*
Sbi niya ala dw katotohanan, yah right! :P

A new piece. Give me a title!

I'm happy with this latest creation...give me a title for it!

Should I smile despite the fears,
Because I should brave it and hide the tears?
Should I look and say, "I'm happy" though,
My heart bleeds on with too much sorrow?

I ask too much, I'm not easy to know.
I have things yet to learn, and learn too slow.

But my love is enough, let it be enough,
To make you shine like a gem in the rough.

I want to pretend I'm perfectly fine,
For you might not understand my hidden whines.

I want to be honest and tell you straight,
But you don't need the extra weight.

Be mine to the end- a promise stands made...
But will it suffice when new paths are laid?

I am chained in the dark, you are free in the sun.
I can't hold you back when you choose to be gone.

I want to be true, I want to cheer on,
For your every ambition, dream and vision.

But should I lie to myself in the name of you?
Should I deny my wounds and be untrue?

I don't know...I really don't know.

*baw*^^

Weird dream...go figure

From a distance my eyes found his
Lingering with bliss

Doubtfully I reached out for him
Sensing more than a dream

Last night, past my eight-hour duty at East Ave Delivery Room where my groupmates and I were coaching preggies to bear down ("Sige po mam, hingang malalim, pigil ang hinga...push! 1, 2, 3...") in the aromatic ambience of lochia and oh-wow morning breath galore...I fell mercifully on my bed and slept for nine hours straight. And in the nine hours, I dreamt of a vivid dream...the impressions of which lingered in my head for today...

I was walking aimlessly, as if looking for something. It was not long before I found myself wandering in a market. I saw myself slowing down in front of a stall with glass display counters where handmade trinkets and accessories were arranged neatly.
Just as I was starting to rummage through their wares, two people strolled towards the stall...si Paul at Drin, two fond friends of mine. I joyfully stopped to give them a loud cheerful hello, which they casually returned before going back to their chitchat. Feeling a bit off, I continued to search through the bracelets...thinking, "I want to give something to my lover...but which one? Maybe if I give him this brown bracelet he'll smile and look at me..."
I went around the stall and fingered through the plain brown bracelets which seemed made for guys. I took one after the other and thought that he would not like any of them.
Just as I was falling inside with disappointment, I found a thick bracelet made of mostly aqua blue beads and some yellow and red beads as added design. I told the lady at the stall that I wanted to try it out. I was gushing with excitement at seeing such a beauty that I decided to share the thrill with these two friends of mine who have been ignoring me far enough in the dream.
"Hoy! Tingnan niyo o, ang ganda! *takes the bracelet gracefully from the lady* Dali, pakabit naman...please?"
They looked at each other for a while and then Drin hesitantly stepped forward to help me, but as he was trying to put the bracelet on my wrist, it fell. It was not damaged, but as I picked it up, the two of them ignored me again...and after a while they walked away without a word. I felt so sad...so abandoned. The sad violin tune was playing in the background as I looked at them walking away...their figures getting smaller and smaller in the distance...(drama no, hahaha)
I walked on, feeling sad that I was not able to attain my objective. What now...I thought.
I suddenly walked into a fine dining restaurant situated in the lush outdoors. It was getting late. The place was filled with merry people and the area was surrounded with dim lights. In my casual wear I knew I didn't belong there, so I nervously walked...until someone in formal black coat and tie stopped me. "I've been waiting for you. Tonight, I will teach you the secret."
I asked, "What secret?"
He ignored the question and proceeded to open a chair for me. He sat across the round little table in front of us. He called the waiter with a wave of a hand.
"You will learn how to cook the secret dish. It's easy, dear." He motioned the waiter to give the tray of ingredients, which baffled me all the more as it contained leftover foods, two of which stood out for me- two pizzas: one was cheesy and the other was more with tomato sauce all over. Surprisingly, I was crying a lot as the man spoke. And there was that sad violin music again in the background, playing on and on.
"You've been looking around all day...it's simple. This one is..?"
I blurted, "Scottish." (the heck...)
He smiled approvingly and pointed to the red one.
I said, "That one's American."
He smiled and began to put them together, which made me cry on...it seemed like the answer to my objective earlier in the dream.
I thought that if this weirdo dream had a title, it'd be..."Recipe for Love." Hahaha. Fun...
Meanwhile, I'll tell the Sunday dream next time...mas intriga yun!
I looked at him and told him then,
I loved him even then...

Forgive me dear, it's like Trigonometry for me...

I believe I've come to see how gravely problematic it is for me to be not jealous. Yeah, I know it's normal to feel a bit of the green eyed frustration once in a while...but when it's too much...well, it hurts...and it gives a headache for others too...and it makes a bad crying moment worth a drama queen's run for the trophy...

Whenever I get very jealous
It's like nothing in the day is ever right
I get all moody and darkly serious
The world stops turning and loses its light

Jealousy is not a blessed feeling. While some people would say that it's fine because it's a proof of love...no it's not...it's more of a deep-seated insecurity left unresolved. And also, sabi nga ng isang tao sa kin, "Useless yan." True enough, it's a waste of time pondering something that can only be resolved by free will.

Swallowed by the menace of the green eyed monster
I toss in my thoughts of deep self-pity
I drown in the endless queries and wonders
Right down to the heart of, "Does no one love me?"

I have a lot to learn in handling this tendency of mine. It's becoming a stumbling block for me. I want NOT to be jealous and be a better person...to be able to have more room for blessedness and growth...

But God is enough for loving me
I don't need the love of everyone
I need to see the futility
Of my jealousy when it has won

Jealousy is nothing short
Of profound vulnerability
The beauty of truth it seeks to distort
Til we lose sight of reality

I feel that in the course of change, I need people to help me somehow. Consciously I don't want to feel jealous anymore...not with my friends, my family...my love...but then...this want becomes forgotten when the feeling creeps up to me in my unguarded moments...and it overcomes me more often than I want it to. I guess...no, I think it's rooted in my insecurity. And I accept it as my weakness...something I strongly believe I have to change.

Don't crumble under such feelings, be strong
Steadfast and faithful...as love should be
Let truth expose it, baseless and wrong
Stand firm my dear, and yes, come free!

With God's help...I hope to change this attitude once and for all.

Reunion had me feelin' sore on mah shoulduz

Saturday seemed to be just another day at the hospital for me...catering to a psycho and a two-time stroker at both ends of the ward where I'm currently assigned.
But just when I thought I was in for a droll...even snoozin' on the way back home after...I realized I had to jump out of bed and get ready for an unanticipated socialization night with some of my high school friends. (Jo had texted me a few days ago that she wanted to see me during her one-month vacation here before going back to her school again in Taiwan, and since I was suddenly free on Saturday night, I was pressed to go).

It's you and me,
Moving at the speed of light into eternity...
Des had called me through my cellphone and was telling me to hurry so we could go to moa together for the gathering. Although both of us were actually hesitant to show up with people outside our usual circle, we decided to join in for the high school spirit, which we never really lost.

Tonight is the night to join me in the middle of ecstasy...
So after my bro dropped me off at ust, we sped to moa...engaging in a bit of mellow chitchat...I missed Desiree so much...she's been my friend for *counts* 16 years already. It's getting hard to find time to get together recently, with all the school stuff depriving us of our own free time to hang out like before.

Feel the melody in the rhythm of the music around you, around you...
When we arrived, we had to walk around for 20 minutes just to find the whereabouts of our friends...Guilly's Island...a bar and grill resto. I was expecting about 5-8 people to show up, but lo and behold...there were so many of us...aaaaaaaaa! We even beat the batch reunion, since there were more than 30 of us there. Old faces...transformations...it was a delightful meeting...I was thrilled to see some of them whom I last saw on our high school grad pa! Hmm...si Jo, Rhyan, Sha, Sheila, Raymond, George, Os, Johanna, Jay, Jude, Mau, Ralph, Alwin, Justin, Abigail, Des, Nhesthy, Karen, Hazeline, Hans, Adrian, Eunice, Anne...okay, lemme recall the rest...sorry for the poor recall...

I'm gonna take you there, I'm gonna take you there...
So don't be scared
I'm right here baby...

Ayun dinner. Des and I took our private stroll for 15 minutes before we returned to the place. I wanted to talk with her more before we parted ways (she went home earlier than the rest). When people wanted to get ice cream, we joined the crowd...but then Os invited me to go dancemania with him, so go naman kami...and yeah, he's still got the energy for it! *frustrations* We returned to the resto after two rounds. Des and I spent a lot of time talking with other people in the crowd before she had to go home. And that's when people started drinking beer...I wasn't into peer pressure, so I skipped that part until everyone was up for arcade...

That's when this song played...how timely...since this turned out to be an unforgettable night for me.

We can go anywhere, go anywhere
But first it's your chance,
Take my hand come with me...

And siyempre, dance pad and dancemania na naman. Jumoin na rin sa batuhan game...and basketball...and trivia game...pati hockey...it was really fun. Nanibago lang ako kasi usually it's my circle that I go play with in the arcades...namiss ko tuloy sila...hayy...but then it's refreshingly fun, nevertheless...
It's like I've waited my whole life
For this one night
It's gonna be me you and the dance floor...

Overall, kahit hindi lahat close close, I'd say successful siya kasi nag get-together talaga yung mga tao. Hindi siya nag end up na naggrouping or nagkanya-kanya yung mga tao...everyone was open and approachable and was willing to fill people in with details about their current job undertakings. There were people there na I never really talked with before during sj days...and yet, there nakachika ko sila and they responded...and that's a lot for me. May moments of hilarious reminiscing pa nga eh...and it's really special...like what I remarked sa table after dinner, "Hindi naman talaga close close yung mga tao, pero we grew up together (for 13 years, come on)...kaya masaya..."'
Coz we've only got one night
Double your pleasure
Double your fun...

And to me, that's what mattered during the night...yung sj spirit ang nanaig sa mga ngiti, sa mga kwento, sa mga kakulitan ng mga batang sj. I'd say most of us enjoyed the night...gusto pa nga wag umuwi...hahahaha. Kulit.

Kaya siya worth it.
Sa mga taong hindi nakapunta, I'd say you missed a lot!

And dance
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)...

Falling in love with spaghetti

I feel so happy with Marky's efforts in cooking me a spaghetti. It was a surprise which made me really...special.

He was mentally crossing himself as he watched me open my serving of spag (sorry Yani, una na ko, hehehe kasi di pa naglulunch). He said, "I really hope magustuhan mo yan. Sana masarapan ka sa luto ko."

I smiled, which gave him the message that it's the thought that counted most for me. I verbalized my appreciation before I tasted it...and then I tasted a forkful...*made a perplexed face* and paused for a while, figuring out how appropriately I can express to him my enjoyment.

He looked at me and asked, "How is it?"

Biniro ko nga eh, "Nako, pakakasalan na kita!" (which he laughed at) *sabay lamon ng spag with the creamy sauce and faints*

Well...I hope I'd learn to cook it. Masarap talaga siya...experimental pasta, but really really...good. In fact, the best red spag I've ever tasted (but don't tell him that or he'll know about it and feel mighty proud of himself...nope, I don't want that).^^

There's a saying that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...well, I guess that's not just for men. I think I just discovered a waterloo through my heart...hahaha charing talaga!!! Mark! Penge pa!!! Kasi seriously natouch ako dun sa mere effort and thought that a very good friend of mine took the time to perfect a recipe for my gustatory pleasures...asar...I want more! Come on!!! Hahahaha.