Current Status: Lone Bum

...

I don't know why I'm even writing this...

Maybe because I don't know what else to do at the moment. See, I'm just a good bum these days...cooking, cleaning the house, doing my laundry...that sort of thing. Other than that, I'm just lying around with books, paper and pen, the piano, TV, or facing the laptop or PC.

Ah, well...I deserve the long-awaited break...until the board results come out, I'm stuck with other things to do. Like maybe going out almost every night, watching movies, dancing in arcades, contemplating on questions without answers, texting as much as I want...

Or maybe an art class, nine sessions. Or getting my midwifery certification, if that's possible now. Or perhaps writing my book. Or how about attending an oncology seminar in Greenhills...yeah, lots of possiblities.

Somehow I feel like I just opened Pandora's box...endless possibilities, lots of chaos potential on my part. Most of the turmoil, though, is just in my head. And it's messin' up my system up there real nice.

Anni, get some sleep. The heck are you thinking again...

BTW, note for the day...I just lost 2 pounds...and that's me on a vacation. And no, I'm not on a diet.

Falling Stars Are Pretty

I used to be a idealist
A dreamer in every sense
But in such a tale, here comes the twist
I'm stuck in the darkness of suspense

I used to think all is possible
With just a yearning, I can soar through heights
But like a star on its due date, I'm taking the fall
Burned out and fading, losing its light

Falling stars are pretty nonetheless
When they're crying and humbled at their best
When they're learning and growing through the bitterness
They glow more beautifully past the emotional mess

Falling stars can be pretty nonetheless
When they crash and burn into a million pieces
Let me now have my dazzling finale in the limelight
And tomorrow I'll have my comeback in a better light

A Dedication...

Letting go is such a hard thing. But it's necessary for someone who loves to know how to do that. After all, loving isn't always about holding on...but letting go. Even when you can't understand through all the pain why it has to be. Even when forgiveness gets hard to the point that it seems impossible to do.

I am at the point wherein I need to face letting go. Acquaintance, friends, crushies, special friends, fafas, loves...kahit sino pa, dapat matuto tayong magpakawala...lalo na kung yun ang nakakapagbigay ng happiness sa mga taong malapit sa ating puso. (Cheesy!!!! Hahahaha!)

Sa totoo lang nahihiya ako sa pag-amin na nalulungkot ako at nasasaktan pag kailangan kong magpakawala. Bakit naman kailangan kong magtapon ng diyamante sa dagat? Nahihiya akong sabihin yan, dahil kung tutuusin, dapat nga magpasalamat ako at maraming nagmamahal sa akin. Yan ang isang mahalagang bagay na nalaman ko nitong mga huling nakaraang buwan.

Hindi lahat ng tao nahihirapang mag-isip pag tinatanong kung sino ang closest friends niya.

Hindi lahat ng tao puwedeng magtext ng 3 kampo para humingi ng free hugs.

Hindi lahat ng tao may matatawagan at makakausap ng madaling araw hanggang tumaas pa ang araw.

Hindi lahat ng tao madaling makaakbay ng kaibigan para sabihing mahal nila ito.

At hindi lahat ng tao ay nakakakilala sa natatanging Kaibigan natin na hinding hindi napapawi ang pagmamahal...naks.

Looking at the brighter side ika nga. Parang appendectomy ng isang naghihingalong pasyente. Masakit talaga. Siyempre naoperahan. Pero hindi dapat siya nakatuon at iiyak na lamang sa kirot na dulot ng operasyon. Dapat pa nga siyang magdiwang at magbuntung-hininga sa katotohanan na hahaba pa ang buhay niya.

Seeing loss as a gain, sabi sa nabasa ko.

But nevertheless...Para ito sa mga nilalang na nararamdaman kong unti-unti ko nang dapat pakawalan. Yung isa in particular na nagpadala ng video message...salamat. Alam kong hindi ka naman nakakalimot...sana nga talaga mahal mo pa ako kahit matagal na tayong hindi nag-uusap...

Dun sa isa...I'm no David Cook fan (but I do know you are, hehehe). I don't know if you will even come to read this, but just the same...I'm singing it for you.

...

Smiles, my loves...I'll find you again...



You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't you recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you

You say you're leaving
As you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Take your time I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you, I can't save you
It's something you have to do
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
...

After all, loving isn't always about holding on...but letting go...

Sige kayod!!!!

It's 1:55 am, Saturday May 30, 2009.

I am now here in Lorenz's place in Cubao with Jam, Jayson, Tadz. We've been reviewing to the wee hours of the morns, bonding, eating and discussing in between for the past three days.

It's been fun. Reviewing with these people has been quite an experience for me. Spending time with them has been so enriching. They have given me a lot to think about. And yes, they made me laugh a lot recently, and I know how much I'm in need of that. Mas nakilala ko din sila in the process. Each of them has given me a food for thought...and much inspiration which I care to keep in my heart.

Hahahaha.

Nakakapagtakang mama allowed me to be here...I'd have to remind myself to text her to thank her before I sleep later.

At ayan umaga na at maingay pa rin dito. Hindi naman futile ang efforts...seryoso ang mga tao ah. The boards isn't so far away nga naman kasi...we have to get ready, aw yeah! Konti na lang. Hahaha.

Then after that is the unsettling time of waiting...for the results. Sleep would be a really hard challenge for most of us, I'm very sure, hehehe.

Meanwhile, Im happy na rin na for a secondary gain, I'm enjoying my respite here...away from home where I can think straight and just take my time to untwist my thoughts? Hahahaha. Delirium tremens, hahahaha...yun na yun. God has been very very merciful to me. (Rev. 3:19)

C'est la vie.

"The Lord, the Lord...the compassionate and gracious God...slow to anger, abounding in love

and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished..."

Good morning. ^^

Oh it feels great to sin.

NOTE: READ FROM START TO END.

Oh it feels great to sin.
For natural God-haters like all of us (and I mean all of humanity) who crave for what feels good now...Oh how true.

We are salesmen who flourish in our trade by belittling significant points and exaggerating half-truths and untruths.
We are big-time businessmen who make our own brand of lies in order to preserve ourselves and move up in the status ladder of power.
We are mainstay prostitutes who depreciate the fastest as we willfully put a price tag on purity and commit self-exploitation.
We are high-paid models who represent the league of modern whitewashed tombs, spending so much frustration improving our physical image...and almost no concern for what's within.
We are bards who compose wonderfully and sing magnificently what we do not dare to be.

The world is a commonplace for the likes of us who enjoy sin.

...

Yes my darling, it feels great to sin.
Too bad the consequences are too hard to take in.

And once the door is opened and the games begin,
It's hard to get off the downward spin.

Sin eats at you...chomps down on your being...
Light becomes dark...the mornings become bleak...
Life turns gray...time passes as a blur...

As you sin, you realize its temporal joys...
Wreaks havoc in you and others as well...

And who likes to stay with one who sins?
Who craves, who threatens, who loses control?
Whose hands build misery and extinguish goodwill?

In the end you'll be left alone by all but sin...
And what's left of you knows life holds no meaning...
You've got no friend...

Well, you've still got sin...

But when sin is your friend it just turns on you...

And takes all of you until there's none of you left...
You'll be floated adrift as a empty shell...
Defeated in a war that's often been told of...

Who is to blame?
Who played the game?

You know...you know...
Now you know...
Sin isn't such a great thing after all.

And you know past this, life's never the same.
You've seen for yourself- this world holds in
Mere cheap thrills and timed satisfaction.
Measurable gains which soon turn to losses.
This world brings misery, and nothing less.

But hold the death wish, it's not the end,
There is more to life...and much more beyond...
Beyond where happiness...does not have to end.

He who gives life ensures us of this
His gifts for the faithful we can't simply miss!

So in seeking for true happiness yet unseen,
Better seek the Lord with your all and win!

Anni's session of understanding 101- post script

Wait, hold on...just another thought-

Maybe some minds are just too young to understand complicated things. That's why...and I have no right whatsoever to force anyone to outgrow their level of thinking.

But as much as a baby soon needs to be weaned from his or her mother's milk in order to grow further, we need to go beyond concrete concepts and enable ourselves to fathom abstracts so that we might grow wiser.

And like everything else, it's a choice whether we seek to fulfill this and realize our fullest potential to grasp the seemingly unfathomable.

Or not. Hehehe.

But the fact that I am in no position to force anyone still stands, however things look for me.

Anni's session of understanding 101

I guess it's just disappointing that when you expect to be understood most by the people closest to you...well, you are hit by reality that...they really don't. They just think they do, on the surface, yes but...in the depths, they really don't get it.

And another sad thing to consider is that you don't have the right to demand sincere understanding from the heart, which is only out of genuine love.

In simple terms, deciding to love someone entrails the desire to really analyze and understand how a person of interest feels and thinks about certain issues and events...how high, how low, how distorted...how damaged.

To state it negatively, if a person does not find time or give a lot of attention to understanding how you feel...then maybe that person does not really love you enough...or love you at all...isn't that it?

Well it does involve a lot of effort, energy...attention. And a lot of self-giving?

Submission to internalizing a belief that you are alien to- or even against. Maybe that's what makes it so hard to do...is it?

Nevermind that...

...


I'd say I'm a complicated person. But speaking for myself, it's not so hard to get through..or even destroy parts of that complication of me. Either you listen willfully, or get into my shoes and try to feel the way I feel in a certain situation.

I really can't demand anything here...I just want to be understood...hopefully by those whom I see dearest to me. That's all.

Well, that's something to think about. And thankfully I dumped it here before I went off again with a brokenness that no one can probably get to in time...hahaha.

"One man's antidote is another man's poison."

Good night...