Somnolent detachment

(I'm guilty of this...hehehe)

I flip through a book in the afternoon
The soft yellow rays shining in my room
I stretch like a lazy cat on my bed
Knowing past my reading what I'd be doing instead

Line after line, my eyes move in time
With the hum of the fan, playing like a rhyme
While processing the book content, feeling rested
My wakeful guard slips away, spinning my head

I fight the yearning of my eyelids feeling heavy
Urging them to read on despite losing quickly
Line after line and page after page
Blurs into nothing in my clouded cage

I flip through more slowly, my consciousness ebbing
Struggling through the hum of a lullaby fading
Losing clear sight of the faint yellow lighting
And in one final moment, losing grip and falling

Willfully giving in to my somnolent need
The defensive comforts of reality's deed
Making my escapade from the realm of grims
Surrendering into the loving snare of timeless dreams

...

When God tells me to wait

I hate waiting. It's part of my impatient nature. I am a person who is constantly on the go, wanting to fast-forward things, sometimes forgetting to enjoy the moment while concerning myself with moving forward.

But God is the boss of this cosmic show. And as the one who knows best around here, I ought to let him call the shots and take my cues from him. This is where the conflict comes in. My nature struggles against the restraint of steady faith and sure trust in the one whom we are always sure of.

One of my worst nightmares in this little lifetime is being domestic...stuck in a rut of tending the home, doing chores, washing dishes and delighting myself on a pile of laundry that never seems to disappear. Rest would include cooking, siesta and watching noontime shows and tear-jerker never-ending soaps. Well I can live alone and maintain my house, as long as I don't have to do solely those things. I want to be working outside the house too. Being stuck in a domestic routine burns me out more than any repetitive activity. Which is why I think I'm going to be a terrible mother. Hahaha.

Unfortunately in my condition now, especially with my career, God is telling me to put brakes on my impatience and wait on him.

What?! In denial, I haggle with him...though I know how futile this is... I'm 22, postgrad, a lot of life and opportunity ahead of me, licensed RN, lots of energy to spend on caring for patients and getting the much-awaited real-life action outside these walls...come on...when do you want me to begin, at thirty??!

But no. God wants me to wait.

I ask why...I told him I'll be waiting for his answer.

And I still don't get why I'm waiting.

After going round and round with rationalizing the incomprehensible, I just go back to the same (and only) clear reply I have for now: Trust God.

Grrr. Grrr. Venting my frustrations over unwashed dishes and the thawing batch of chicken wings that I'll have to cook for dinner, I fume over how I hate black holes in reasoning. But then fine, what other logical choice do I have but to wait on the Lord? I sense in such case how I am like a toddler, thrashing rebelliously on the lap of a parent who sees things better and saying NO and WAIT.

So fine, I will. Aaaa. This better be worth it, Lord.

...

Ah, what am I saying...this IS certainly worth it.

Wishful thinking

I wish I knew what it took for me...

To make you stay smiling with me through the rain.

Ranting in the wee hours of the morn

It's 12:41 in the morning and I'm still awake. Just finished watching a movie and playing some facebook games. That's bumming to me... Well I deserve it I think, after doing my chores. Too bad it suddenly rained hard...I was hoping for the sun to dry my freshly washed clothes...*shrug*

Right now I'm just in a reflective mood. I have a lot of options open before me, but which road to take... Somehow I want to be careful with how I move, since as much as possible I wouldn't want to do anything that is not accordance to God's will. I don't want to pursue something just because I want to or just because my mother said so...I want to make sure that God approves of it, then I'll take it.

Hmm...makes me think about when I've stopped wanting to live primarily for myself...and when I started to realize that my joy can only be full through living for the Lord. Well, it's a good step...and what mercy I got despite me being me then- the skeptic Roman Catholic logician with a lot of attitude problem...it makes me laugh now... Not saying that I don't have problems with my attitude because I know I have a LOT of room for improvement...but I am thankful to God that...well, looking back now...much has positively changed...

And I know that's all that matters...running the race towards God...to the day we meet...

About a month ago I wanted to speed up the process of facing him. I was asking Him for that. Yes, morbid for people who see death conversations as taboo- which means most people, hehehe... But then I realized the necessity of living for His purpose. Yes, accepting Christ can make one rightfully say, "Now I can die happy," but it does not excuse one from living on, enduring suffering in His name to the day He says, "It's time."

So enough of that "Lord, let's meet now," and on with life...

Life...

Currently I'm just a fresh grad thinking about my college life, my dreams, my next steps... I'm using foresight to weight my available options...but even that kind of outlook won't suffice because let's face it, lots can happen, anything is possible and only God can really tell. Talk about telling...suddenly I'm thinking about Him and what He'd do to me if He's to sit in front of me now and play facebook games over servings of coffee crumble ice cream 'til dawn...ohh that'd be such fun...

Or maybe not because He'd be asking me why I haven't been listening to Him...tsktsk...

God...well, funny that I had a habit of saying I hate Him...but then never really meant it because I know he's all that's sure to me. After all, I've never been really sure about my friends, my career, my parents, much less myself...it's only God that I have always strongly believed in. My true best friend who always knew how to be funny, perfect...I know He's quite the comedian, unleashing His creative antics over the lives of lousy screwed-up human beings who just...well, screw up some more...creative indeed- but nevertheless wise...

Yeas, the author of love also happens to be the author of wisdom. After all, who can own up to wisdom if not for He who provides it by request? Hahaha.

What am I saying...well, I need to stock up on that more than ever, I believe. Moving forward past my college life does not permit me to crack up and mess up my life even more. Moving forward entails a greater responsibility for me to avoid slipping and falling facedown- either on purpose or not. And the best way I can make less errors is to be wise only through God's provision of...yes, wisdom.

I think that with all my options now, this is the most important factor. Wisdom that comes from God is first of all, pure...

Okay, headache now...I think I need to rest. My wisdom tooth at the lower left end of my gums is coming out, so it's been quite a pain for 2 days now...and for 2 days I've had sore eyes...so there, need to rest up...

Hmm...funny how I can have such a knack for infection... Hahaha. Just need to power up the immune system and rest... And my devotions- I need to talk with God...I'm gasping for lack of it...

Nursing Nostalgia

Anong size ng gloves mo?

Size 6.5


First ward na pinagdutihan mo?

Sta Catalina


First case mo sa OR?

Kidney transplant


Favorite nursing procedure mo?

Bedmaking, kasi easy siya and it's usually the time when I 

subtly assess and establish rapport with the patient and the 

relatives


Pinaka-hate mong nursing procedure?

Suctioning. You see the suffering and fury of the patient 

more than ever. Sobrang naaawa tlg ako, kasi naiisip ko, eh 

kung ako kaya ang ganunin...di ba...pero kailangan...hayy...


Saang procedure ka nahihirapan?

I think that'd be anything involving needles kasi I have some 

sort of phobia pa rin- I gotta get used to seeing the needle 

before going to the patient.


Namatayan ka na ba ng patient?

Yes, twice.


Nakapag post mortem care ka na ba?

Yeap.


Favorite area/ward mo?

Del Carmen Ward, kasi dun ako maraming natutunan at 

dun din ako nagka-night shifts.


Pinaka-hate mong area/ward?

Female surgery ward, because it gave me such bad 

memories.


Favorite CI mo?

Ma'am Sevilla, kasi for me she's very balanced and she 

really motivated me to learn a lot.


Eh sino naman pinakaayaw mong C.I?

Ahahaha. Yung nameet ko sa female surgery ward. Yun na 

yon. Grabeng torture...I think that's one memorable time in 

my college life that I wanted to just snap.


Bakit ka nga pala nag nursing?

Sabi ni mama. Hahaha.


Enjoy ka naman sa nursing?

Yes. Reasons: 1) I was able to help my patients. (praise 

God!) 2) I met 4-10 and RLE 2. 3) I was able to learn a lot. 

4) I learned how to be sociable. 5) Here's how I met my 

Christian friends.


Maaga ka bang pumapasok?

Naw. Hahaha.


Madalas ka ba sa library?

Yes. 2 reasons: Biblio and case pres. But earlier in my 

college life I spent my time hiding out there when I felt 

lonely...often reading journals and blogging until 6pm.


Favorite nursing subject mo

MS!!!


Pinaka-hate mong nursing subject?

Pharma!!! Aaaaaaaa Pahamak talaga yan!


May ibinagsak ka na bang subjects?

Wla. Ay teka, sabit ako sa PE! Kasi hindi ko talaga mapalo 

yung volleyball nung exam! Talk about a major screwup! 

Hahahaha! 2.95 final grade ko dun...grabe talaga yun, 

hahahaha!


Madalas ka bang umabsent?

Nawp. Hmm...I think yung isang time talaga...I DID absent 

myself from duty one time to finish copying down a 

pathophy on manila paper and get a bit of  sleep...

nakakatawa na lang siya when I think about it. And then as 

an excuse, dapat may 'script' na kong hinanda with the help 

of my rle mates para makalusot, pero pagdating ni mam 

chua at tinanong ako, I just blurted out that i overslept. 

*gasp* What a shame... Yahahahahaha.


Kamusta naman ang capping at pinning ceremony mo?

It's just a blur. The oathtaking part...now that's quite a day...


Ano ang favorite mong nursing diagnosis?

Knowledge deficit: blah


Bakit naman?

I am keen on educating patients...and thus be able to 

empower them...naks!

Living trees, night strolls and a lonely soul

I intentionally did not post this anywhere else because it's rather personal. Well, as I can sense it, today I am having my typical unhappy tantrum. I'm just not in my element today.

It all started with a dream.

I was in this large clearing. The crisp smell of fresh night air hung out there like the black blanket of sky over me and many other kids my age who all decided to go for a stroll. With the moon up, it was a perfect night setting.

Or so I thought.

I was starting to walk randomly, relax and get comfortable with my surroundings, until I remembered this man whom I deeply love (in real life). I realized I didn't know where he was then. And I started to ask around on his whereabouts, like he was supposed to be there to share the stroll with me. Nobody seemed to know or care where he was then.

Suddenly, two guys in jackets came out of nowhere and strode on both sides of me. I recognized them in the dream as two of my lover's friends (though in real life I know I haven't met them). Holding me on the shoulders, they dared me:

"You really want to know where he is?"

I said, eagerly, "Yes, please. Where is he?"

"Well..." I sensed a moment of hesitation in him as he shifted his eyes to the ground. "Are you really sure about this?"

"Well of course."

And they looked at each other meaningfully, like they knew something that I didn't.

Slowly, a familiar feeling of intense pain and betrayal crept within me as I thought of the worst. And as a common defense mechanism I've been accustomed to use, I put on some emotional steel and simply said:

"Oh that's fine...he's always been like that. So where is he and who's he with?"

"Aw Anni...not that we mean to hurt you...but he's been spending time with...them."

"What?"

And then we followed a trail up...and saw this really huge tree with very big and lengthy branches. Since it was blocking our way, I thought I'd have to make it through without a problem by walking under the tangle of branches and shrubbery.

But then when I touched one of its main branches, it moved...and gave me a menacing look. It was alive!!!

"Be careful, let's go!" one of my companions shouted as I evaded its branches that were flailing at me.

After going past the living tree by going through a longer way, we managed to find our way on top of a hill. There, looking from above, I saw dearest hanging around with a lot of other people...and two skimpily-clad girls on either side. And he had his arms on their waists.

My companions were silent as I crouched on my place and took in the awful scene before me. And then after a while, I stood up and dusted myself. They were saying sorry, but it's not their fault right, so I ignored them and walked away, feeling so sad and pained.

...

And after a long turmoil of dreams...that's when I woke up with the sun shining through my windows. Of course I was very thankful that it was all in a dream...but then my emotions were dampened because although the events were not totally real, my feelings there were...

It made me think about life...and the many times that I felt insignificant and out of place...unwanted, ugly...useless, second best...talentless, tanga, walang utak... It made me think about the life that I want for myself, but just can't seem to live it for myself because of the many hindrances and obligations... It made me think about the many times that I needed to gather up my emotions, go to my room and start spilling an ocean of sorrow under my pillow. It made me recall the rejection and the hurt that I've encountered despite giving my best shot at something...or someone. It made me think about how sad it is that at age 22, I feel like I haven't even moved a pebble at all, much less a mountain...and everyone seems to be leaving me behind...and that just made me want to quit life.

I wish life were like work...so that if it didn't work out for you, you could just get it over with and quit. (And right now as I'm typing this, the fresh wave of hurt is coming in and I'm trying to stop the tears because I'm a big girl, crying's not expected in this house, and this isn't the way a Christian should be behaving.)

But then that's not the case right...

...I don't even know how to end this entry in a positive note, so I won't make up one.

...

All I know is, my Boss is watching. And I trust him to give me a sound answer...much, much better than what I- or anyone else in the world for that matter- can come up with.

The Rain

(Influenced by the rainy night)

Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more

But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...

To the rain clouds:

Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.

Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.

Hahahaha!

Enough of the emo-rainess.