(free verse) lost

How you move my heart so much...
How you move me so easily...

And even if I don't like it,

I frown in delightful protest
And dive into your arms...

But you don't know because maybe you don't want to know...
I don't know... maybe you don't love me anymore...

But why do I feel like you've taken my heart in your hand...
And you can squeeze it 'til I cry...
But if I should cry, I would...
But not in front of you...
If it would hurt you.

I will love you, smiles, and laughter,
I will take you, tears and all...
I will embrace your brutal frankness,
Your gentleness...
Everything about you... I accept.

And if you really don't feel the same,
I will... fall away and accept
That I lost...
You

note of acceptance

My heart is breaking,
I'm catching my breath,
I am falling, sinking,
To my next death...

You closed the door
So gracefully
I shouldn't love you anymore
So finally,

I am saying goodbye
To this beautiful dream
My love's a bitter lie
You're not him

I should let go
Feigning a smile
Walk away and grow
Step away in style

You will never see
Within these eyes
You will always be
My heart's sunrise

It is not enough
To be your friend
But I will take it enough
For I am your friend.

i got my answer, and it's better than none

you are right... now is not the time, Lord... i should hide my mind and move away. i have to stop wanting something that is not mine... he is not interested anyway, and i totally get the point. and thank you for giving me such a good friend. that is better than nothing, right... so as to the question of to tell or not to tell... yeah, i got my answer finally... and it's sad, heartbreaking, but happy at the same time that it's easier to take because the answer is given. also, it's better and more merciful than none. personally i prefer this better than none. it's much friendlier.

but the art of letting go leaves to be done on my part. wake up, stop hoping in the subconscious, and move on to the real world. he's not interested. you must follow this... stop living in your dream like yesterday. learn and learn well...

submit to God and say thank you.

so, so, so sad

i am sad... no, it's not because of anyone. it's because of something i hoped for but never came. i thought it was my solution but no.

so sad... i feel so useless and stagnant with this situation. what do i do... exactly my problem- what do i do to solve this? for now i have no answer but sleep. but right now i feel queasy and i can't relax, so my eyes are open although i am really tired.

i am going to stop this now. lord, help me... tell me what to do, you're my boss for life.

i have limits and you don't. you know where this is going right... then encourage me and take my hand so you can lead me there.

to tell or not to tell...

I remember that time when we argued about our misunderstanding. You left for a weekend trip as I spent the days thinking about how to cover up my emotions so you couldn't see how sad I really felt. I thought I had to cover up because you told me that you didn't want me to be sad because of you. On the day we had met again, I acted like you were nothing special to me. It's more peaceful that way, I thought. But you reacted and told me how strange this was...and how you did not like this. My walls crumbled as I told you of my intentions...and how much I missed you.

Right now I am given a lot of time to think... and think. I miss you, you know... but I don't know how to tell you, or if it is even right to tell you about it. I am not sure of how to act around you, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable when I do tell you that I really, really miss you now, that my memories of you are so wonderful, that you make me feel so loved and precious, even from a distance of about 3000km away...

You are so lovely... it's like your beautiful mind is my private wonder world... and I don't mind getting lost in it... is it right to tell you all this? In such a short time, I know our relationship is very special... and I don't want to ruin anything by overdoing things... like telling you how I feel... (God help me... how do I throw this off...)

But you did tell me that I should just tell you anything at anytime, even just through the internet. I remember this. But... I am just worried that you might feel differently, that I may become overconfident, or worse, a distraction to you... God forbid!

OK, OK... I guess 'overcontemplation' is really my habit. Grrr. *frustrated*

Loneliness is a good acquaintance, but never a lifelong friend

I'm awfully lonely today. It's as if I fell down in a fluff of loneliness and I just want to stay under... don't want to face the world, don't want to get up from this sad comfort...

Can anyone find me here before I muster the strength to get back on my feet and carry on? I am not sure... it seems like I woke up from a beautiful dream... well yes, it's beautiful, but that's just it- it's just a dream.

The dream is that I met a lot of wonderful people who took the time to understand and know my mind. The dream is that I spend a lot of good times and bad times with them. The dream is that I found lifelong friends- brothers and sisters whom I shared emotions and stories with. The dream is that I found my first love and I had a lot of memories with him. The dream is that I found exceptional souls who cared about what I had to say and did not mind if I thought too much all the time and said too much at times. The dream is that I got crazy with them and nobody said I was doing it wrong.

Dreams... maybe that's all they are meant to be.

I had to say goodbye and get on with reality without them. That's why I am sad. I find it hard to accept that those precious moments are meant to stay in the fantasy world somewhere... that my world is quiet again without them making the noise...

I pray that I'll be able to get up and... as my brother had told be before... find happiness in other things...

Project MESS-

Recently some friends of mine inspired me step beyond the yellow line... kinda like those "police line do not cross" yellow tapes plastered all around some crime scene in some forensic series. And I am the trespasser that dared to go across...

Here's what I learned so far. 

First, it is true that the forbidden things bring pleasure. Man's nature it is. But it's only for the short term, mind you... CS Lewis was right when he expressed his thoughts about man being too easily pleased, giving in to short-term pleasures without seeing the bigger picture. Easy to decide, easy to fade...such is the attribute of most worldly pleasures. And the trouble with some of these pleasures is that... they have the dangerous potential of eating us up, consuming us...making some stray too far and become oblivious to the difference of right and wrong (and I am defining this in the biblical sense, not what the world dictates). 

Experience is indeed an expensive course. It is effective for learning, but it is very costly. I think it's not all worth it. After all, some experiences are just... overrated? Hmm. Leaves a lot for curiosity, but I think this is way better than finding out the hard way. (Lord, how do I tackle this? Lead the way for this crazy woman...)

It is important not to trust people too much, because people change like everything else in the face of this balding planet. Maybe today your friend tells you he's gonna be there... but tomorrow, he'll be absent in the significant occasions of your life... which may leave a hole of disappointment in your heart. True, trust is essential, but there are exceptions and we ought to weigh matters with utmost care. I think there is much mercy and kindness exerted when people discourage promise-making... by this, people are not burdened sick by some impulsively set chalkmark in the unpredictable timeline of life. Hope for the best, some people may say- but the risk is too much if it is with people, and not from God who is the only faithful One.

Apologies are not always required when mistakes occur. Sure, as a courtesy, we say sorry... but I think I've overdone this on several occasions. Sometimes, the sorry part is not so significant as the resolution of moving on to the right path... or making up for it. Saying sorry zooms more into the mistake- a good plan for improvement focuses on going one step higher in one's personal development, at the very least. As DX said, "Don't sing it- bring it!" 

Decisions must come not only from the mind, but also from the heart. Two years back I had a painful experience of feeling rejected, and I think this unconsciously intensified my logical personality as a defense mechanism to prevent future episodes of hurt. Yes, using the head is good in a lot of decision-making, but not in the absolute sense. My skepticism has served me well, but in the process of numbing myself and putting my heart at habitual rest, I robbed myself of the thrills of being essentially a crazy human being, wired by God with feelings. It took an intense emotionally-wracking experience to break this...tendency of mine. I learned then that in experiencing the fullness of life, emotions are not always disposable... they are even required. We generally do not say "I think happy..." rather, we say, "I feel happy." Right? More importantly, in praising God and being honest with Him in my private confrontations, do I not need the bare human expressions to utter my glorious shouts and cries to him? 

Besides, Jesus even cried... 'nuf said.

OK, this is it for now... gotta sleep! So tired of thinking... Good night!