I intentionally did not post this anywhere else because it's rather personal. Well, as I can sense it, today I am having my typical unhappy tantrum. I'm just not in my element today.
It all started with a dream.
I was in this large clearing. The crisp smell of fresh night air hung out there like the black blanket of sky over me and many other kids my age who all decided to go for a stroll. With the moon up, it was a perfect night setting.
Or so I thought.
I was starting to walk randomly, relax and get comfortable with my surroundings, until I remembered this man whom I deeply love (in real life). I realized I didn't know where he was then. And I started to ask around on his whereabouts, like he was supposed to be there to share the stroll with me. Nobody seemed to know or care where he was then.
Suddenly, two guys in jackets came out of nowhere and strode on both sides of me. I recognized them in the dream as two of my lover's friends (though in real life I know I haven't met them). Holding me on the shoulders, they dared me:
"You really want to know where he is?"
I said, eagerly, "Yes, please. Where is he?"
"Well..." I sensed a moment of hesitation in him as he shifted his eyes to the ground. "Are you really sure about this?"
"Well of course."
And they looked at each other meaningfully, like they knew something that I didn't.
Slowly, a familiar feeling of intense pain and betrayal crept within me as I thought of the worst. And as a common defense mechanism I've been accustomed to use, I put on some emotional steel and simply said:
"Oh that's fine...he's always been like that. So where is he and who's he with?"
"Aw Anni...not that we mean to hurt you...but he's been spending time with...them."
"What?"
And then we followed a trail up...and saw this really huge tree with very big and lengthy branches. Since it was blocking our way, I thought I'd have to make it through without a problem by walking under the tangle of branches and shrubbery.
But then when I touched one of its main branches, it moved...and gave me a menacing look. It was alive!!!
"Be careful, let's go!" one of my companions shouted as I evaded its branches that were flailing at me.
After going past the living tree by going through a longer way, we managed to find our way on top of a hill. There, looking from above, I saw dearest hanging around with a lot of other people...and two skimpily-clad girls on either side. And he had his arms on their waists.
My companions were silent as I crouched on my place and took in the awful scene before me. And then after a while, I stood up and dusted myself. They were saying sorry, but it's not their fault right, so I ignored them and walked away, feeling so sad and pained.
...
And after a long turmoil of dreams...that's when I woke up with the sun shining through my windows. Of course I was very thankful that it was all in a dream...but then my emotions were dampened because although the events were not totally real, my feelings there were...
It made me think about life...and the many times that I felt insignificant and out of place...unwanted, ugly...useless, second best...talentless, tanga, walang utak... It made me think about the life that I want for myself, but just can't seem to live it for myself because of the many hindrances and obligations... It made me think about the many times that I needed to gather up my emotions, go to my room and start spilling an ocean of sorrow under my pillow. It made me recall the rejection and the hurt that I've encountered despite giving my best shot at something...or someone. It made me think about how sad it is that at age 22, I feel like I haven't even moved a pebble at all, much less a mountain...and everyone seems to be leaving me behind...and that just made me want to quit life.
I wish life were like work...so that if it didn't work out for you, you could just get it over with and quit. (And right now as I'm typing this, the fresh wave of hurt is coming in and I'm trying to stop the tears because I'm a big girl, crying's not expected in this house, and this isn't the way a Christian should be behaving.)
But then that's not the case right...
...I don't even know how to end this entry in a positive note, so I won't make up one.
...
All I know is, my Boss is watching. And I trust him to give me a sound answer...much, much better than what I- or anyone else in the world for that matter- can come up with.
The Rain
(Influenced by the rainy night)
Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more
But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...
To the rain clouds:
Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.
Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.
Hahahaha!
Enough of the emo-rainess.
Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more
But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...
To the rain clouds:
Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.
Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.
Hahahaha!
Enough of the emo-rainess.
How to eat a chocolate bar
I was watching a movie just a few hours ago and then one of the guys say, "There are many ways to eat a chocolate bar..."
That captured me. Yeah, there are many ways to eat a chocolate bar...like say, kitkat. You can tear off the wax paper and foil savagely and just bite off diagonally like a starving kid. Or maybe just slowly lift a corner of the foil and nibble gracefully. Or be conventional and do it as shown on tv, the slide n' snap method that they always feature as a recommendation. Or just be the choco rebel and snap it the opposite way before putting the finger pieces in your mouth. Or even be such a scrutinizing slowpoke and bite off all the chocolate coating before devouring the wafer inside. Like I usually prefer to. Hehehe.
Yeas, there's lots of ways to consume that yummy kitkat bar. And really, it doesn't take five seconds to go by our method of choice.
Then what's with this fuss about a chocolate bar?
Applying that to myself in a more profound way, I can say that life is like that kitkat bar. There are various ways on how to invest on life. But unlike chocolate, which we can purchase more than once, we only have one shot in life. And we don't want to mess up with it. This is where the importance of making the right choices comes in. Every decision and every action made is a portion of our lives that we can never get back.
So if you gobble everything up at once, you get overwhelmed...and a tummy ache- which isn't really enjoyable. Look at it forever and someone may come along to take it from you. Hide it in the fridge and you might just spoil it. Munch on it too fast and it may fall on the ground, wasted with too much pressure.
So invest wisely...take it eventually...and enjoy the richness of that delightfully sweet chocolate bar.^^
That captured me. Yeah, there are many ways to eat a chocolate bar...like say, kitkat. You can tear off the wax paper and foil savagely and just bite off diagonally like a starving kid. Or maybe just slowly lift a corner of the foil and nibble gracefully. Or be conventional and do it as shown on tv, the slide n' snap method that they always feature as a recommendation. Or just be the choco rebel and snap it the opposite way before putting the finger pieces in your mouth. Or even be such a scrutinizing slowpoke and bite off all the chocolate coating before devouring the wafer inside. Like I usually prefer to. Hehehe.
Yeas, there's lots of ways to consume that yummy kitkat bar. And really, it doesn't take five seconds to go by our method of choice.
Then what's with this fuss about a chocolate bar?
Applying that to myself in a more profound way, I can say that life is like that kitkat bar. There are various ways on how to invest on life. But unlike chocolate, which we can purchase more than once, we only have one shot in life. And we don't want to mess up with it. This is where the importance of making the right choices comes in. Every decision and every action made is a portion of our lives that we can never get back.
So if you gobble everything up at once, you get overwhelmed...and a tummy ache- which isn't really enjoyable. Look at it forever and someone may come along to take it from you. Hide it in the fridge and you might just spoil it. Munch on it too fast and it may fall on the ground, wasted with too much pressure.
So invest wisely...take it eventually...and enjoy the richness of that delightfully sweet chocolate bar.^^
Current Status: Lone Bum
...
I don't know why I'm even writing this...
Maybe because I don't know what else to do at the moment. See, I'm just a good bum these days...cooking, cleaning the house, doing my laundry...that sort of thing. Other than that, I'm just lying around with books, paper and pen, the piano, TV, or facing the laptop or PC.
Ah, well...I deserve the long-awaited break...until the board results come out, I'm stuck with other things to do. Like maybe going out almost every night, watching movies, dancing in arcades, contemplating on questions without answers, texting as much as I want...
Or maybe an art class, nine sessions. Or getting my midwifery certification, if that's possible now. Or perhaps writing my book. Or how about attending an oncology seminar in Greenhills...yeah, lots of possiblities.
Somehow I feel like I just opened Pandora's box...endless possibilities, lots of chaos potential on my part. Most of the turmoil, though, is just in my head. And it's messin' up my system up there real nice.
Anni, get some sleep. The heck are you thinking again...
BTW, note for the day...I just lost 2 pounds...and that's me on a vacation. And no, I'm not on a diet.
I don't know why I'm even writing this...
Maybe because I don't know what else to do at the moment. See, I'm just a good bum these days...cooking, cleaning the house, doing my laundry...that sort of thing. Other than that, I'm just lying around with books, paper and pen, the piano, TV, or facing the laptop or PC.
Ah, well...I deserve the long-awaited break...until the board results come out, I'm stuck with other things to do. Like maybe going out almost every night, watching movies, dancing in arcades, contemplating on questions without answers, texting as much as I want...
Or maybe an art class, nine sessions. Or getting my midwifery certification, if that's possible now. Or perhaps writing my book. Or how about attending an oncology seminar in Greenhills...yeah, lots of possiblities.
Somehow I feel like I just opened Pandora's box...endless possibilities, lots of chaos potential on my part. Most of the turmoil, though, is just in my head. And it's messin' up my system up there real nice.
Anni, get some sleep. The heck are you thinking again...
BTW, note for the day...I just lost 2 pounds...and that's me on a vacation. And no, I'm not on a diet.
Falling Stars Are Pretty
I used to be a idealist
A dreamer in every sense
But in such a tale, here comes the twist
I'm stuck in the darkness of suspense
I used to think all is possible
With just a yearning, I can soar through heights
But like a star on its due date, I'm taking the fall
Burned out and fading, losing its light
Falling stars are pretty nonetheless
When they're crying and humbled at their best
When they're learning and growing through the bitterness
They glow more beautifully past the emotional mess
Falling stars can be pretty nonetheless
When they crash and burn into a million pieces
Let me now have my dazzling finale in the limelight
And tomorrow I'll have my comeback in a better light
A dreamer in every sense
But in such a tale, here comes the twist
I'm stuck in the darkness of suspense
I used to think all is possible
With just a yearning, I can soar through heights
But like a star on its due date, I'm taking the fall
Burned out and fading, losing its light
Falling stars are pretty nonetheless
When they're crying and humbled at their best
When they're learning and growing through the bitterness
They glow more beautifully past the emotional mess
Falling stars can be pretty nonetheless
When they crash and burn into a million pieces
Let me now have my dazzling finale in the limelight
And tomorrow I'll have my comeback in a better light
A Dedication...
Letting go is such a hard thing. But it's necessary for someone who loves to know how to do that. After all, loving isn't always about holding on...but letting go. Even when you can't understand through all the pain why it has to be. Even when forgiveness gets hard to the point that it seems impossible to do.
I am at the point wherein I need to face letting go. Acquaintance, friends, crushies, special friends, fafas, loves...kahit sino pa, dapat matuto tayong magpakawala...lalo na kung yun ang nakakapagbigay ng happiness sa mga taong malapit sa ating puso. (Cheesy!!!! Hahahaha!)
Sa totoo lang nahihiya ako sa pag-amin na nalulungkot ako at nasasaktan pag kailangan kong magpakawala. Bakit naman kailangan kong magtapon ng diyamante sa dagat? Nahihiya akong sabihin yan, dahil kung tutuusin, dapat nga magpasalamat ako at maraming nagmamahal sa akin. Yan ang isang mahalagang bagay na nalaman ko nitong mga huling nakaraang buwan.
Hindi lahat ng tao nahihirapang mag-isip pag tinatanong kung sino ang closest friends niya.
Hindi lahat ng tao puwedeng magtext ng 3 kampo para humingi ng free hugs.
Hindi lahat ng tao may matatawagan at makakausap ng madaling araw hanggang tumaas pa ang araw.
Hindi lahat ng tao madaling makaakbay ng kaibigan para sabihing mahal nila ito.
At hindi lahat ng tao ay nakakakilala sa natatanging Kaibigan natin na hinding hindi napapawi ang pagmamahal...naks.
Looking at the brighter side ika nga. Parang appendectomy ng isang naghihingalong pasyente. Masakit talaga. Siyempre naoperahan. Pero hindi dapat siya nakatuon at iiyak na lamang sa kirot na dulot ng operasyon. Dapat pa nga siyang magdiwang at magbuntung-hininga sa katotohanan na hahaba pa ang buhay niya.
Seeing loss as a gain, sabi sa nabasa ko.
But nevertheless...Para ito sa mga nilalang na nararamdaman kong unti-unti ko nang dapat pakawalan. Yung isa in particular na nagpadala ng video message...salamat. Alam kong hindi ka naman nakakalimot...sana nga talaga mahal mo pa ako kahit matagal na tayong hindi nag-uusap...
Dun sa isa...I'm no David Cook fan (but I do know you are, hehehe). I don't know if you will even come to read this, but just the same...I'm singing it for you.
...
Smiles, my loves...I'll find you again...
You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't you recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you
You say you're leaving
As you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Take your time I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you, I can't save you
It's something you have to do
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
...
After all, loving isn't always about holding on...but letting go...
I am at the point wherein I need to face letting go. Acquaintance, friends, crushies, special friends, fafas, loves...kahit sino pa, dapat matuto tayong magpakawala...lalo na kung yun ang nakakapagbigay ng happiness sa mga taong malapit sa ating puso. (Cheesy!!!! Hahahaha!)
Sa totoo lang nahihiya ako sa pag-amin na nalulungkot ako at nasasaktan pag kailangan kong magpakawala. Bakit naman kailangan kong magtapon ng diyamante sa dagat? Nahihiya akong sabihin yan, dahil kung tutuusin, dapat nga magpasalamat ako at maraming nagmamahal sa akin. Yan ang isang mahalagang bagay na nalaman ko nitong mga huling nakaraang buwan.
Hindi lahat ng tao nahihirapang mag-isip pag tinatanong kung sino ang closest friends niya.
Hindi lahat ng tao puwedeng magtext ng 3 kampo para humingi ng free hugs.
Hindi lahat ng tao may matatawagan at makakausap ng madaling araw hanggang tumaas pa ang araw.
Hindi lahat ng tao madaling makaakbay ng kaibigan para sabihing mahal nila ito.
At hindi lahat ng tao ay nakakakilala sa natatanging Kaibigan natin na hinding hindi napapawi ang pagmamahal...naks.
Looking at the brighter side ika nga. Parang appendectomy ng isang naghihingalong pasyente. Masakit talaga. Siyempre naoperahan. Pero hindi dapat siya nakatuon at iiyak na lamang sa kirot na dulot ng operasyon. Dapat pa nga siyang magdiwang at magbuntung-hininga sa katotohanan na hahaba pa ang buhay niya.
Seeing loss as a gain, sabi sa nabasa ko.
But nevertheless...Para ito sa mga nilalang na nararamdaman kong unti-unti ko nang dapat pakawalan. Yung isa in particular na nagpadala ng video message...salamat. Alam kong hindi ka naman nakakalimot...sana nga talaga mahal mo pa ako kahit matagal na tayong hindi nag-uusap...
Dun sa isa...I'm no David Cook fan (but I do know you are, hehehe). I don't know if you will even come to read this, but just the same...I'm singing it for you.
...
Smiles, my loves...I'll find you again...
You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't you recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you
You say you're leaving
As you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Take your time I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you, I can't save you
It's something you have to do
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
...
After all, loving isn't always about holding on...but letting go...
Sige kayod!!!!
It's 1:55 am, Saturday May 30, 2009.
I am now here in Lorenz's place in Cubao with Jam, Jayson, Tadz. We've been reviewing to the wee hours of the morns, bonding, eating and discussing in between for the past three days.
It's been fun. Reviewing with these people has been quite an experience for me. Spending time with them has been so enriching. They have given me a lot to think about. And yes, they made me laugh a lot recently, and I know how much I'm in need of that. Mas nakilala ko din sila in the process. Each of them has given me a food for thought...and much inspiration which I care to keep in my heart.
Hahahaha.
Nakakapagtakang mama allowed me to be here...I'd have to remind myself to text her to thank her before I sleep later.
At ayan umaga na at maingay pa rin dito. Hindi naman futile ang efforts...seryoso ang mga tao ah. The boards isn't so far away nga naman kasi...we have to get ready, aw yeah! Konti na lang. Hahaha.
Then after that is the unsettling time of waiting...for the results. Sleep would be a really hard challenge for most of us, I'm very sure, hehehe.
Meanwhile, Im happy na rin na for a secondary gain, I'm enjoying my respite here...away from home where I can think straight and just take my time to untwist my thoughts? Hahahaha. Delirium tremens, hahahaha...yun na yun. God has been very very merciful to me. (Rev. 3:19)
C'est la vie.
"The Lord, the Lord...the compassionate and gracious God...slow to anger, abounding in love
and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished..."
Good morning. ^^
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