I wish I knew what it took for me...
To make you stay smiling with me through the rain.
Ranting in the wee hours of the morn
It's 12:41 in the morning and I'm still awake. Just finished watching a movie and playing some facebook games. That's bumming to me... Well I deserve it I think, after doing my chores. Too bad it suddenly rained hard...I was hoping for the sun to dry my freshly washed clothes...*shrug*
Right now I'm just in a reflective mood. I have a lot of options open before me, but which road to take... Somehow I want to be careful with how I move, since as much as possible I wouldn't want to do anything that is not accordance to God's will. I don't want to pursue something just because I want to or just because my mother said so...I want to make sure that God approves of it, then I'll take it.
Hmm...makes me think about when I've stopped wanting to live primarily for myself...and when I started to realize that my joy can only be full through living for the Lord. Well, it's a good step...and what mercy I got despite me being me then- the skeptic Roman Catholic logician with a lot of attitude problem...it makes me laugh now... Not saying that I don't have problems with my attitude because I know I have a LOT of room for improvement...but I am thankful to God that...well, looking back now...much has positively changed...
And I know that's all that matters...running the race towards God...to the day we meet...
About a month ago I wanted to speed up the process of facing him. I was asking Him for that. Yes, morbid for people who see death conversations as taboo- which means most people, hehehe... But then I realized the necessity of living for His purpose. Yes, accepting Christ can make one rightfully say, "Now I can die happy," but it does not excuse one from living on, enduring suffering in His name to the day He says, "It's time."
So enough of that "Lord, let's meet now," and on with life...
Life...
Currently I'm just a fresh grad thinking about my college life, my dreams, my next steps... I'm using foresight to weight my available options...but even that kind of outlook won't suffice because let's face it, lots can happen, anything is possible and only God can really tell. Talk about telling...suddenly I'm thinking about Him and what He'd do to me if He's to sit in front of me now and play facebook games over servings of coffee crumble ice cream 'til dawn...ohh that'd be such fun...
Or maybe not because He'd be asking me why I haven't been listening to Him...tsktsk...
God...well, funny that I had a habit of saying I hate Him...but then never really meant it because I know he's all that's sure to me. After all, I've never been really sure about my friends, my career, my parents, much less myself...it's only God that I have always strongly believed in. My true best friend who always knew how to be funny, perfect...I know He's quite the comedian, unleashing His creative antics over the lives of lousy screwed-up human beings who just...well, screw up some more...creative indeed- but nevertheless wise...
Yeas, the author of love also happens to be the author of wisdom. After all, who can own up to wisdom if not for He who provides it by request? Hahaha.
What am I saying...well, I need to stock up on that more than ever, I believe. Moving forward past my college life does not permit me to crack up and mess up my life even more. Moving forward entails a greater responsibility for me to avoid slipping and falling facedown- either on purpose or not. And the best way I can make less errors is to be wise only through God's provision of...yes, wisdom.
I think that with all my options now, this is the most important factor. Wisdom that comes from God is first of all, pure...
Okay, headache now...I think I need to rest. My wisdom tooth at the lower left end of my gums is coming out, so it's been quite a pain for 2 days now...and for 2 days I've had sore eyes...so there, need to rest up...
Hmm...funny how I can have such a knack for infection... Hahaha. Just need to power up the immune system and rest... And my devotions- I need to talk with God...I'm gasping for lack of it...
Nursing Nostalgia
Anong size ng gloves mo?
Size 6.5
First ward na pinagdutihan mo?
Sta Catalina
First case mo sa OR?
Kidney transplant
Favorite nursing procedure mo?
Bedmaking, kasi easy siya and it's usually the time when I
subtly assess and establish rapport with the patient and the
relatives
Pinaka-hate mong nursing procedure?
Suctioning. You see the suffering and fury of the patient
more than ever. Sobrang naaawa tlg ako, kasi naiisip ko, eh
kung ako kaya ang ganunin...di ba...pero kailangan...hayy...
Saang procedure ka nahihirapan?
I think that'd be anything involving needles kasi I have some
sort of phobia pa rin- I gotta get used to seeing the needle
before going to the patient.
Namatayan ka na ba ng patient?
Yes, twice.
Nakapag post mortem care ka na ba?
Yeap.
Favorite area/ward mo?
Del Carmen Ward, kasi dun ako maraming natutunan at
dun din ako nagka-night shifts.
Pinaka-hate mong area/ward?
Female surgery ward, because it gave me such bad
memories.
Favorite CI mo?
Ma'am Sevilla, kasi for me she's very balanced and she
really motivated me to learn a lot.
Eh sino naman pinakaayaw mong C.I?
Ahahaha. Yung nameet ko sa female surgery ward. Yun na
yon. Grabeng torture...I think that's one memorable time in
my college life that I wanted to just snap.
Bakit ka nga pala nag nursing?
Sabi ni mama. Hahaha.
Enjoy ka naman sa nursing?
Yes. Reasons: 1) I was able to help my patients. (praise
God!) 2) I met 4-10 and RLE 2. 3) I was able to learn a lot.
4) I learned how to be sociable. 5) Here's how I met my
Christian friends.
Maaga ka bang pumapasok?
Naw. Hahaha.
Madalas ka ba sa library?
Yes. 2 reasons: Biblio and case pres. But earlier in my
college life I spent my time hiding out there when I felt
lonely...often reading journals and blogging until 6pm.
Favorite nursing subject mo
MS!!!
Pinaka-hate mong nursing subject?
Pharma!!! Aaaaaaaa Pahamak talaga yan!
May ibinagsak ka na bang subjects?
Wla. Ay teka, sabit ako sa PE! Kasi hindi ko talaga mapalo
yung volleyball nung exam! Talk about a major screwup!
Hahahaha! 2.95 final grade ko dun...grabe talaga yun,
hahahaha!
Madalas ka bang umabsent?
Nawp. Hmm...I think yung isang time talaga...I DID absent
myself from duty one time to finish copying down a
pathophy on manila paper and get a bit of sleep...
nakakatawa na lang siya when I think about it. And then as
an excuse, dapat may 'script' na kong hinanda with the help
of my rle mates para makalusot, pero pagdating ni mam
chua at tinanong ako, I just blurted out that i overslept.
*gasp* What a shame... Yahahahahaha.
Kamusta naman ang capping at pinning ceremony mo?
It's just a blur. The oathtaking part...now that's quite a day...
Ano ang favorite mong nursing diagnosis?
Knowledge deficit: blah
Bakit naman?
I am keen on educating patients...and thus be able to
empower them...naks!
Size 6.5
First ward na pinagdutihan mo?
Sta Catalina
First case mo sa OR?
Kidney transplant
Favorite nursing procedure mo?
Bedmaking, kasi easy siya and it's usually the time when I
subtly assess and establish rapport with the patient and the
relatives
Pinaka-hate mong nursing procedure?
Suctioning. You see the suffering and fury of the patient
more than ever. Sobrang naaawa tlg ako, kasi naiisip ko, eh
kung ako kaya ang ganunin...di ba...pero kailangan...hayy...
Saang procedure ka nahihirapan?
I think that'd be anything involving needles kasi I have some
sort of phobia pa rin- I gotta get used to seeing the needle
before going to the patient.
Namatayan ka na ba ng patient?
Yes, twice.
Nakapag post mortem care ka na ba?
Yeap.
Favorite area/ward mo?
Del Carmen Ward, kasi dun ako maraming natutunan at
dun din ako nagka-night shifts.
Pinaka-hate mong area/ward?
Female surgery ward, because it gave me such bad
memories.
Favorite CI mo?
Ma'am Sevilla, kasi for me she's very balanced and she
really motivated me to learn a lot.
Eh sino naman pinakaayaw mong C.I?
Ahahaha. Yung nameet ko sa female surgery ward. Yun na
yon. Grabeng torture...I think that's one memorable time in
my college life that I wanted to just snap.
Bakit ka nga pala nag nursing?
Sabi ni mama. Hahaha.
Enjoy ka naman sa nursing?
Yes. Reasons: 1) I was able to help my patients. (praise
God!) 2) I met 4-10 and RLE 2. 3) I was able to learn a lot.
4) I learned how to be sociable. 5) Here's how I met my
Christian friends.
Maaga ka bang pumapasok?
Naw. Hahaha.
Madalas ka ba sa library?
Yes. 2 reasons: Biblio and case pres. But earlier in my
college life I spent my time hiding out there when I felt
lonely...often reading journals and blogging until 6pm.
Favorite nursing subject mo
MS!!!
Pinaka-hate mong nursing subject?
Pharma!!! Aaaaaaaa Pahamak talaga yan!
May ibinagsak ka na bang subjects?
Wla. Ay teka, sabit ako sa PE! Kasi hindi ko talaga mapalo
yung volleyball nung exam! Talk about a major screwup!
Hahahaha! 2.95 final grade ko dun...grabe talaga yun,
hahahaha!
Madalas ka bang umabsent?
Nawp. Hmm...I think yung isang time talaga...I DID absent
myself from duty one time to finish copying down a
pathophy on manila paper and get a bit of sleep...
nakakatawa na lang siya when I think about it. And then as
an excuse, dapat may 'script' na kong hinanda with the help
of my rle mates para makalusot, pero pagdating ni mam
chua at tinanong ako, I just blurted out that i overslept.
*gasp* What a shame... Yahahahahaha.
Kamusta naman ang capping at pinning ceremony mo?
It's just a blur. The oathtaking part...now that's quite a day...
Ano ang favorite mong nursing diagnosis?
Knowledge deficit: blah
Bakit naman?
I am keen on educating patients...and thus be able to
empower them...naks!
Living trees, night strolls and a lonely soul
I intentionally did not post this anywhere else because it's rather personal. Well, as I can sense it, today I am having my typical unhappy tantrum. I'm just not in my element today.
It all started with a dream.
I was in this large clearing. The crisp smell of fresh night air hung out there like the black blanket of sky over me and many other kids my age who all decided to go for a stroll. With the moon up, it was a perfect night setting.
Or so I thought.
I was starting to walk randomly, relax and get comfortable with my surroundings, until I remembered this man whom I deeply love (in real life). I realized I didn't know where he was then. And I started to ask around on his whereabouts, like he was supposed to be there to share the stroll with me. Nobody seemed to know or care where he was then.
Suddenly, two guys in jackets came out of nowhere and strode on both sides of me. I recognized them in the dream as two of my lover's friends (though in real life I know I haven't met them). Holding me on the shoulders, they dared me:
"You really want to know where he is?"
I said, eagerly, "Yes, please. Where is he?"
"Well..." I sensed a moment of hesitation in him as he shifted his eyes to the ground. "Are you really sure about this?"
"Well of course."
And they looked at each other meaningfully, like they knew something that I didn't.
Slowly, a familiar feeling of intense pain and betrayal crept within me as I thought of the worst. And as a common defense mechanism I've been accustomed to use, I put on some emotional steel and simply said:
"Oh that's fine...he's always been like that. So where is he and who's he with?"
"Aw Anni...not that we mean to hurt you...but he's been spending time with...them."
"What?"
And then we followed a trail up...and saw this really huge tree with very big and lengthy branches. Since it was blocking our way, I thought I'd have to make it through without a problem by walking under the tangle of branches and shrubbery.
But then when I touched one of its main branches, it moved...and gave me a menacing look. It was alive!!!
"Be careful, let's go!" one of my companions shouted as I evaded its branches that were flailing at me.
After going past the living tree by going through a longer way, we managed to find our way on top of a hill. There, looking from above, I saw dearest hanging around with a lot of other people...and two skimpily-clad girls on either side. And he had his arms on their waists.
My companions were silent as I crouched on my place and took in the awful scene before me. And then after a while, I stood up and dusted myself. They were saying sorry, but it's not their fault right, so I ignored them and walked away, feeling so sad and pained.
...
And after a long turmoil of dreams...that's when I woke up with the sun shining through my windows. Of course I was very thankful that it was all in a dream...but then my emotions were dampened because although the events were not totally real, my feelings there were...
It made me think about life...and the many times that I felt insignificant and out of place...unwanted, ugly...useless, second best...talentless, tanga, walang utak... It made me think about the life that I want for myself, but just can't seem to live it for myself because of the many hindrances and obligations... It made me think about the many times that I needed to gather up my emotions, go to my room and start spilling an ocean of sorrow under my pillow. It made me recall the rejection and the hurt that I've encountered despite giving my best shot at something...or someone. It made me think about how sad it is that at age 22, I feel like I haven't even moved a pebble at all, much less a mountain...and everyone seems to be leaving me behind...and that just made me want to quit life.
I wish life were like work...so that if it didn't work out for you, you could just get it over with and quit. (And right now as I'm typing this, the fresh wave of hurt is coming in and I'm trying to stop the tears because I'm a big girl, crying's not expected in this house, and this isn't the way a Christian should be behaving.)
But then that's not the case right...
...I don't even know how to end this entry in a positive note, so I won't make up one.
...
All I know is, my Boss is watching. And I trust him to give me a sound answer...much, much better than what I- or anyone else in the world for that matter- can come up with.
It all started with a dream.
I was in this large clearing. The crisp smell of fresh night air hung out there like the black blanket of sky over me and many other kids my age who all decided to go for a stroll. With the moon up, it was a perfect night setting.
Or so I thought.
I was starting to walk randomly, relax and get comfortable with my surroundings, until I remembered this man whom I deeply love (in real life). I realized I didn't know where he was then. And I started to ask around on his whereabouts, like he was supposed to be there to share the stroll with me. Nobody seemed to know or care where he was then.
Suddenly, two guys in jackets came out of nowhere and strode on both sides of me. I recognized them in the dream as two of my lover's friends (though in real life I know I haven't met them). Holding me on the shoulders, they dared me:
"You really want to know where he is?"
I said, eagerly, "Yes, please. Where is he?"
"Well..." I sensed a moment of hesitation in him as he shifted his eyes to the ground. "Are you really sure about this?"
"Well of course."
And they looked at each other meaningfully, like they knew something that I didn't.
Slowly, a familiar feeling of intense pain and betrayal crept within me as I thought of the worst. And as a common defense mechanism I've been accustomed to use, I put on some emotional steel and simply said:
"Oh that's fine...he's always been like that. So where is he and who's he with?"
"Aw Anni...not that we mean to hurt you...but he's been spending time with...them."
"What?"
And then we followed a trail up...and saw this really huge tree with very big and lengthy branches. Since it was blocking our way, I thought I'd have to make it through without a problem by walking under the tangle of branches and shrubbery.
But then when I touched one of its main branches, it moved...and gave me a menacing look. It was alive!!!
"Be careful, let's go!" one of my companions shouted as I evaded its branches that were flailing at me.
After going past the living tree by going through a longer way, we managed to find our way on top of a hill. There, looking from above, I saw dearest hanging around with a lot of other people...and two skimpily-clad girls on either side. And he had his arms on their waists.
My companions were silent as I crouched on my place and took in the awful scene before me. And then after a while, I stood up and dusted myself. They were saying sorry, but it's not their fault right, so I ignored them and walked away, feeling so sad and pained.
...
And after a long turmoil of dreams...that's when I woke up with the sun shining through my windows. Of course I was very thankful that it was all in a dream...but then my emotions were dampened because although the events were not totally real, my feelings there were...
It made me think about life...and the many times that I felt insignificant and out of place...unwanted, ugly...useless, second best...talentless, tanga, walang utak... It made me think about the life that I want for myself, but just can't seem to live it for myself because of the many hindrances and obligations... It made me think about the many times that I needed to gather up my emotions, go to my room and start spilling an ocean of sorrow under my pillow. It made me recall the rejection and the hurt that I've encountered despite giving my best shot at something...or someone. It made me think about how sad it is that at age 22, I feel like I haven't even moved a pebble at all, much less a mountain...and everyone seems to be leaving me behind...and that just made me want to quit life.
I wish life were like work...so that if it didn't work out for you, you could just get it over with and quit. (And right now as I'm typing this, the fresh wave of hurt is coming in and I'm trying to stop the tears because I'm a big girl, crying's not expected in this house, and this isn't the way a Christian should be behaving.)
But then that's not the case right...
...I don't even know how to end this entry in a positive note, so I won't make up one.
...
All I know is, my Boss is watching. And I trust him to give me a sound answer...much, much better than what I- or anyone else in the world for that matter- can come up with.
The Rain
(Influenced by the rainy night)
Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more
But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...
To the rain clouds:
Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.
Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.
Hahahaha!
Enough of the emo-rainess.
Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more
But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...
To the rain clouds:
Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.
Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.
Hahahaha!
Enough of the emo-rainess.
How to eat a chocolate bar
I was watching a movie just a few hours ago and then one of the guys say, "There are many ways to eat a chocolate bar..."
That captured me. Yeah, there are many ways to eat a chocolate bar...like say, kitkat. You can tear off the wax paper and foil savagely and just bite off diagonally like a starving kid. Or maybe just slowly lift a corner of the foil and nibble gracefully. Or be conventional and do it as shown on tv, the slide n' snap method that they always feature as a recommendation. Or just be the choco rebel and snap it the opposite way before putting the finger pieces in your mouth. Or even be such a scrutinizing slowpoke and bite off all the chocolate coating before devouring the wafer inside. Like I usually prefer to. Hehehe.
Yeas, there's lots of ways to consume that yummy kitkat bar. And really, it doesn't take five seconds to go by our method of choice.
Then what's with this fuss about a chocolate bar?
Applying that to myself in a more profound way, I can say that life is like that kitkat bar. There are various ways on how to invest on life. But unlike chocolate, which we can purchase more than once, we only have one shot in life. And we don't want to mess up with it. This is where the importance of making the right choices comes in. Every decision and every action made is a portion of our lives that we can never get back.
So if you gobble everything up at once, you get overwhelmed...and a tummy ache- which isn't really enjoyable. Look at it forever and someone may come along to take it from you. Hide it in the fridge and you might just spoil it. Munch on it too fast and it may fall on the ground, wasted with too much pressure.
So invest wisely...take it eventually...and enjoy the richness of that delightfully sweet chocolate bar.^^
That captured me. Yeah, there are many ways to eat a chocolate bar...like say, kitkat. You can tear off the wax paper and foil savagely and just bite off diagonally like a starving kid. Or maybe just slowly lift a corner of the foil and nibble gracefully. Or be conventional and do it as shown on tv, the slide n' snap method that they always feature as a recommendation. Or just be the choco rebel and snap it the opposite way before putting the finger pieces in your mouth. Or even be such a scrutinizing slowpoke and bite off all the chocolate coating before devouring the wafer inside. Like I usually prefer to. Hehehe.
Yeas, there's lots of ways to consume that yummy kitkat bar. And really, it doesn't take five seconds to go by our method of choice.
Then what's with this fuss about a chocolate bar?
Applying that to myself in a more profound way, I can say that life is like that kitkat bar. There are various ways on how to invest on life. But unlike chocolate, which we can purchase more than once, we only have one shot in life. And we don't want to mess up with it. This is where the importance of making the right choices comes in. Every decision and every action made is a portion of our lives that we can never get back.
So if you gobble everything up at once, you get overwhelmed...and a tummy ache- which isn't really enjoyable. Look at it forever and someone may come along to take it from you. Hide it in the fridge and you might just spoil it. Munch on it too fast and it may fall on the ground, wasted with too much pressure.
So invest wisely...take it eventually...and enjoy the richness of that delightfully sweet chocolate bar.^^
Current Status: Lone Bum
...
I don't know why I'm even writing this...
Maybe because I don't know what else to do at the moment. See, I'm just a good bum these days...cooking, cleaning the house, doing my laundry...that sort of thing. Other than that, I'm just lying around with books, paper and pen, the piano, TV, or facing the laptop or PC.
Ah, well...I deserve the long-awaited break...until the board results come out, I'm stuck with other things to do. Like maybe going out almost every night, watching movies, dancing in arcades, contemplating on questions without answers, texting as much as I want...
Or maybe an art class, nine sessions. Or getting my midwifery certification, if that's possible now. Or perhaps writing my book. Or how about attending an oncology seminar in Greenhills...yeah, lots of possiblities.
Somehow I feel like I just opened Pandora's box...endless possibilities, lots of chaos potential on my part. Most of the turmoil, though, is just in my head. And it's messin' up my system up there real nice.
Anni, get some sleep. The heck are you thinking again...
BTW, note for the day...I just lost 2 pounds...and that's me on a vacation. And no, I'm not on a diet.
I don't know why I'm even writing this...
Maybe because I don't know what else to do at the moment. See, I'm just a good bum these days...cooking, cleaning the house, doing my laundry...that sort of thing. Other than that, I'm just lying around with books, paper and pen, the piano, TV, or facing the laptop or PC.
Ah, well...I deserve the long-awaited break...until the board results come out, I'm stuck with other things to do. Like maybe going out almost every night, watching movies, dancing in arcades, contemplating on questions without answers, texting as much as I want...
Or maybe an art class, nine sessions. Or getting my midwifery certification, if that's possible now. Or perhaps writing my book. Or how about attending an oncology seminar in Greenhills...yeah, lots of possiblities.
Somehow I feel like I just opened Pandora's box...endless possibilities, lots of chaos potential on my part. Most of the turmoil, though, is just in my head. And it's messin' up my system up there real nice.
Anni, get some sleep. The heck are you thinking again...
BTW, note for the day...I just lost 2 pounds...and that's me on a vacation. And no, I'm not on a diet.
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