the perpetual backseat occupant

the feeling that you are always on the bottom list of everyone around you... the feeling that it doesn't matter to anyone whether or not you're there... that the world can go on peacefully without you right there for them...

the backseat occupant is someone who is never needed. in a car, all you need is for the front seat occupant- yes, the driver- so the car will run. even if the backseat occupant is not present, it doesn't matter. the driver can still keep running the engine without any whims. after all, the backseat person can even be a disadvantage...or if the occupant is not there, well...everything is still on operation... nothing to worry about. for delightful companionship, the passenger's seat is open... the seat next to the driver... that's a fine, fine position to be in.

however i try to deny it, i feel so sad because of this state...i realize i am always the backseat occupant in everyone's lives. the people around me don't care. hmmm how i want to be topsomething on people's lists... the one they would remember when they have some good or bad news.... some crazy whim or some food to eat...some story to tell... but nowadays i realize, i have fallen to this belief that wherever i go in this world, i am just the last thing on everyone's mind. people especially forget when they are too happy. recently, people around me have been receiving really good news...and i noticed how they also pass me by after that...no hearty greetings, no dinner invitations, no sincere questions of "how are you?" and not even hello that is not just being polite...especially this time when i desperately need a lot of friends beside me...nobody's really there...of course i have a lot of friends, but nobody was really present to take the time to check...or did i fail to notice that i never mattered to anyone in the first place? a few people told me, don't feel that way, you're important... but the message i receive with their actions are, "you don't matter. i don't think you're important. i don't need you." i am sensing it might have a lot to do with my love language...i treasure quality time and words, so i get equally disappointed when i am hit in the same method. i don't know. i am messed up with this thinking.  maybe i believed too much, expectd too much... or did i get dragged by lies that i can be on anyone's passenger's seat?

the fact remains that i feel like the perpetual backseat occupant and that it's nobody's fault. i cannot expect, cannot ask, cannot request...i cannot complain because nobody is perfect. nobody can ever really know this. i was the fire...now i am the invisible wind. maybe it's a seasonal thing...whatever. i am alone. Lord, why is this happening? i feel hurt. but i know, You have my cure for this secret loneliness...give me that please...so my holidays will be good and i can go back to caring more about the people around me, even from the backseat.

(free verse) lost

How you move my heart so much...
How you move me so easily...

And even if I don't like it,

I frown in delightful protest
And dive into your arms...

But you don't know because maybe you don't want to know...
I don't know... maybe you don't love me anymore...

But why do I feel like you've taken my heart in your hand...
And you can squeeze it 'til I cry...
But if I should cry, I would...
But not in front of you...
If it would hurt you.

I will love you, smiles, and laughter,
I will take you, tears and all...
I will embrace your brutal frankness,
Your gentleness...
Everything about you... I accept.

And if you really don't feel the same,
I will... fall away and accept
That I lost...
You

note of acceptance

My heart is breaking,
I'm catching my breath,
I am falling, sinking,
To my next death...

You closed the door
So gracefully
I shouldn't love you anymore
So finally,

I am saying goodbye
To this beautiful dream
My love's a bitter lie
You're not him

I should let go
Feigning a smile
Walk away and grow
Step away in style

You will never see
Within these eyes
You will always be
My heart's sunrise

It is not enough
To be your friend
But I will take it enough
For I am your friend.

i got my answer, and it's better than none

you are right... now is not the time, Lord... i should hide my mind and move away. i have to stop wanting something that is not mine... he is not interested anyway, and i totally get the point. and thank you for giving me such a good friend. that is better than nothing, right... so as to the question of to tell or not to tell... yeah, i got my answer finally... and it's sad, heartbreaking, but happy at the same time that it's easier to take because the answer is given. also, it's better and more merciful than none. personally i prefer this better than none. it's much friendlier.

but the art of letting go leaves to be done on my part. wake up, stop hoping in the subconscious, and move on to the real world. he's not interested. you must follow this... stop living in your dream like yesterday. learn and learn well...

submit to God and say thank you.

so, so, so sad

i am sad... no, it's not because of anyone. it's because of something i hoped for but never came. i thought it was my solution but no.

so sad... i feel so useless and stagnant with this situation. what do i do... exactly my problem- what do i do to solve this? for now i have no answer but sleep. but right now i feel queasy and i can't relax, so my eyes are open although i am really tired.

i am going to stop this now. lord, help me... tell me what to do, you're my boss for life.

i have limits and you don't. you know where this is going right... then encourage me and take my hand so you can lead me there.

to tell or not to tell...

I remember that time when we argued about our misunderstanding. You left for a weekend trip as I spent the days thinking about how to cover up my emotions so you couldn't see how sad I really felt. I thought I had to cover up because you told me that you didn't want me to be sad because of you. On the day we had met again, I acted like you were nothing special to me. It's more peaceful that way, I thought. But you reacted and told me how strange this was...and how you did not like this. My walls crumbled as I told you of my intentions...and how much I missed you.

Right now I am given a lot of time to think... and think. I miss you, you know... but I don't know how to tell you, or if it is even right to tell you about it. I am not sure of how to act around you, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable when I do tell you that I really, really miss you now, that my memories of you are so wonderful, that you make me feel so loved and precious, even from a distance of about 3000km away...

You are so lovely... it's like your beautiful mind is my private wonder world... and I don't mind getting lost in it... is it right to tell you all this? In such a short time, I know our relationship is very special... and I don't want to ruin anything by overdoing things... like telling you how I feel... (God help me... how do I throw this off...)

But you did tell me that I should just tell you anything at anytime, even just through the internet. I remember this. But... I am just worried that you might feel differently, that I may become overconfident, or worse, a distraction to you... God forbid!

OK, OK... I guess 'overcontemplation' is really my habit. Grrr. *frustrated*

Loneliness is a good acquaintance, but never a lifelong friend

I'm awfully lonely today. It's as if I fell down in a fluff of loneliness and I just want to stay under... don't want to face the world, don't want to get up from this sad comfort...

Can anyone find me here before I muster the strength to get back on my feet and carry on? I am not sure... it seems like I woke up from a beautiful dream... well yes, it's beautiful, but that's just it- it's just a dream.

The dream is that I met a lot of wonderful people who took the time to understand and know my mind. The dream is that I spend a lot of good times and bad times with them. The dream is that I found lifelong friends- brothers and sisters whom I shared emotions and stories with. The dream is that I found my first love and I had a lot of memories with him. The dream is that I found exceptional souls who cared about what I had to say and did not mind if I thought too much all the time and said too much at times. The dream is that I got crazy with them and nobody said I was doing it wrong.

Dreams... maybe that's all they are meant to be.

I had to say goodbye and get on with reality without them. That's why I am sad. I find it hard to accept that those precious moments are meant to stay in the fantasy world somewhere... that my world is quiet again without them making the noise...

I pray that I'll be able to get up and... as my brother had told be before... find happiness in other things...