That was the first thing I heard from my mother as I opened my eyes this morning. And her voice sounded so foreign because-
1) my whooping cough, the medical thriller (and my alpha BSB- bwisit sa buhay^^) didn't let me into dreamland until about 5:30 in the morning;
2) she has been giving me the silent treatment (note that I said 'has' because she's still not really conversing with me in the casual way- that is unless you consider her early morn wakeup call a decent conversation- well i don't, hahaha)
I lingered in bed before she came back with a louder wakeup call. So although my eyes were telling me to just lie down and relax, I had to force myself up and take a shower without knowing the agenda of the day.
Grrr. 7am. And that cough that I can't seem to get rid of...
When my uncle came in to fetch us, I feigned sleep on the chair and heard my brothers discussing our agenda with my mother. We're supposed to spend our Easter visiting my mother's aunt. I must have been asleep when they made that decision...
The visit-
The visit turned into more of an UBE than a family affair, because my family were in the same car with my cousins' family. Naturally it's noisy and full of music and lively chatter. It's one of those good things that came out our car being hit last month (and it's still not fixed, so we don't really have a choice but to enjoy cramming into the other car).
Of course good food was in abundance; all I had to do was take and take (though I didn't go for second helpings because I easily reached my satiety level despite not having eaten anything during the day).
There's this strange dish in the menu this time that we don't usually have, papaitan ata yun...out of a dare and an agreement in the name of brotherhood (may ganoon pa eh), tinikman namin ng pinsan kong si Alain. He tolerated it. I didn't. I took a sip of the dish (sabi nila yung sabaw daw ang kinakain doon) and said, "Ayoko." My aunt laughed in understanding, saying that it's a favorite beer match. No wonder...
It gets more interesting-
My bright little cousin Mark (though for his age I would not say he's little), whose visit yesterday was cut short (we were playing Tekken3) due to time constraints, revisits today and is here to stay for a while (his parents approved of their only child to stay here with us, at his eager request). He's such an interesting persona- speaks like an adult and can master computer games faster than average. I say he's a genius. :)
Happy and optimistic about my mother scolding me this morning (yeah, how normal can that be). Like Yani (who BTW is now going to Bicol, so happy for you) said through text:
"It's a start.":)
...a start. Somehow that reminds me of something I have been experiencing this week. It seems like I've had a great deal of time to examine myself, thanks to the silence. I eventually realized that my relationship issues (secondary to my hospitalization and troubles postoperatively) caused me to unconsciously fear the unknown all the more...to be less open...to be more vigilant in my choice of relationships and decisions in my current relationships.
I don't know if that's good. Maybe it's one of those 50/50s. Maybe I should even give up thinking too much about this.
But then the fear is real...it's there and it lingers...yet...somehow...an old part of me still yearns to love as true and trust as true as I used to. (I know it sounds vague, but traumatic issues can cause an eventual shift in one's way of perceiving things...maybe that's what happened to me after all that's said and done.)
I don't know...well what's more important here is that I am now aware of it. And that issue of trust...am I ready to open my heart again to new people?
Heh...maybe I have opened my heart without even being aware of it...tsktsk...
No comments:
Post a Comment