Profound change

Recently I feel that my entries here were...rather brief. And if it's not about personality tests, academic stuff...well, it's silence all the way. Yeah, I have been busy. The grueling semester has helped me so much

I don't really know what happened to me...but then even as I try to cover up everything, I realized I have changed drastically these past semester. I never counted on that to happen in such a short span of time.
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Five months seemed to have been a whole year's growth span for me. Five months seemed to have taken away some measure of innocence in me...the eyes that used to see rainbows and butterflies...the heart that used to be so open to laughter and goofing off...the hands that used to hold only herself so tightly...the ears that used to ignore the painful words...the lips that used to speak most everything, even the pain...

I don't really know what happened along the way...how I woke up one day having no taste for the world, no taste for the flavors of life. And how can I tell anyone about it? About being enclosed in this cell that no light of understanding can reach...about feeling like no one will ever really know, no one...about the loneliness that so embraces me...which I loathe, and yet...she's all I got...

Well here's where being busy helped. It kept me from coming back to the comforting arms of loneliness. It kept me on the go, worrying constantly about not making it, beating deadlines, chasing teachers around, dealing with peer issues...I had enough to bother myself in my hands that pretty soon I was back on the fast track. Workaholic peach ruled once more, though this time not so efficient as before.

But then in those stolen moments of rest I caught myself scanning the empty skies and wondering about the happy days when I used to feel like nothing can stop me. It was a nostalgic phase...and then I would binge one sweets, on high calorie organic foods...whatever was there at hand. I didn't feel like coming home all the more- when I finally did I slept and slept...getting nothing done most of the time.

Since I came back from my long break there has been a big shift in my interpersonal relationships...some came, some stayed...some left...some inched away...until I realized they were already out of my reach. Well I should have anticipated it. I can give a hundred reasons for people to walk away from me...and now I can't seem to name one reason in my defense on the worth of staying around for me. It's just that maybe I have lost my will, lost my voice to assert myself...I feel like I have really lost a lot.

But I did gain something, other than the severe depression that I had to fight with nonpharmacological means- insights.

1. I realized that the world is not really beautiful. It just depends on our own perspective that the world becomes beautiful.
2. Everyone is capable of hurting anyone they interact with. Care and choice give us better chances of not being hurt. But then here's my follow-up insight: It requires true courage and true love to allow relationships to last. What is true courage? It is entrusting the keys to your heart to people whom you know are capable of hurting you (that means everyone). What is true love? It is allowing them to keep the keys when they actually do (hurt you).
3. I saw all the more how change is constant. No one is safe from it in this world. So what makes me think that me and my friends are? We will forever be moving close, forever be moving apart...and close...it takes a lot of will and faith to reach through the distance and uncertainties...
4. Infatuation briefly smolders me whole; true love constantly warms my soul.
5. Natural chivalry (which is being a gentleman void of self-interest) is a treasure. You won't believe its existence until you somehow dig it up in the most unlikely places.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It really depends on the spectator or the critic. And true beauty belongs to the soul.
7. My summary of a good relationship is: I need you to trust me/I don't make promises/I want you to believe in me/Love isn't an educated guess/You have to fall free

I admit to my bout of severe depression past my ordeal in the hospital. I admit to feeling worthless and powerless right after. And it lasted for months. I might say about 2 and a half. I lost my touch with the world. I grew cold and I fell out of reality's embrace. I let myself fall into the pit of self-depreciation. I now see it clearly, but then what's done is done. I cannot do anything better than put the past behind me and accept that it did happen.

I need to pick up the pieces left of me.
Hey stranger in the crowd, will you help me?
I am down with nothing- and desperate, you see.
I plead you- don't join them all who flee.

Used to be I counted on so many.
I thought my friendships were free.
They were there in the morn...
In the night- left me torn...
My patience is wearing thin.
Won't you help me begin?

I think I know you from somewhere.
Yes, you see through me as I'm going nowhere.
I think we've met down the road of sorrow.
I was alone; you helped me up though I said no.

Yeah, I think I've met you down the road of sorrow...

I think I know you now so well.
You already picked up everything that fell.
It's you again.
You who's left standing with me every now and then.