Looking back...

I know it's wrong for me to feel this way, but then reality isn't always governed by morality (although of course ideally it should be the case).

Recently I put myself in sedentary mode not only for my down time but also for my reflection time. I read my past entries, checked other people's thoughts. I wrote my poems, spent time with people, enjoyed myself. I took time to watch my friends in their unguarded moments, savoring every moment. From all these chances I realized how so much has happened. So much has changed with all of us in the circle of friends.

Good? Bad? It's half-and-half (something my good friend Maski would call and equalizer).

I am reminded of the time I made my mistakes. The feelings which came back within wasn't at all pleasant. They drowned me into my own thoughts of defeat and pessimism and sapped all the happiness within me. I am not supposed to feel that way anymore. I am not supposed to be affected by my past.

But here I am, feeling listless...feeling the loss of yesterday when I should be focusing on my recent actual and potential gains.

And here's Maski making me think. Here's a fellow who tells me that I make him overthink...and yet unknowingly the effect of our collision is mutual-

1. May mga bagay na hindi talaga meant to be...

I have a knack for saying, "Aw, hindi meant to be" when things don't turn out as wanted. But then later on I realized that I (think I have a feeling that I) have a tendency to apply this in serious life situations. My choice of course speaks loudly for it.

But then again, I believe that even though there are things that are not meant to be, there is the power of prayer and God's will to help us attain the impossible (as long as it is for his glory). Di ba nga, sa mundong ito, dalawa lang iyan, either you're for God or you're for the enemy, that's all. Also, secondary to that, I believe in the power of wanting. The Lord did not give us the power of free will for nothing...it worked for JFK- why not for us too? :P

2. In order to attain something, great sacrifices must be made...

I think there is truth to this. Best example? Christ. :) My personal example would be my course again. But really, I am not putting down my pen for good. I will return and snatch it up again...then, with a white cap on my head and an RN to enhance it.

Another version of this line is, in order to attain something great, one has to forgo some of the personal pleasures of life. With reference to Freud's id-ego-superego theory, I say that we cannot be kids forever. We cannot stay as seedlings for life. We have to grow and grow through life, lest we want to live a stagnant life in all aspects. We have to learn to leave the life where id always takes the lead and start allowing the superego to flourish and have its say for the part of the ego.

With this, we can now forgo pleasures and learn the value of sacrifice. After all, if we are people who merely answer to the wants of the flesh and the moment, then what makes us different from animals?

I believe that true maturity is seen in two ways: 1. Being able to accept and realize that we are not mature enough; and 2. Being able to see beyond the present situation and waiting for the right time.

I bravely speak of such things. But like everyone else, I am just...weak. Everyone knows that. I succumb to my own defeats. I just need to change my perpective of things...set my eyes on God's promise...and use my failures as a pedestal for me to see more and not stay down on the ground.