I'm very happy that she's here...she's the only one who makes me feel good that I am a biological female. She shows me the good side of being a girl...which had me feeling butterflies for hot guys at youtube vids and comparing notes with her...and freaking out with a high-pitched squeal and living room dancing episodes (which even surprised my mother, who's not used to seeing her boy/girl daughter doing that). :)
Sana next time after her enrollment ipa-kidnap uli siya sa kin ng nanay niya, hahaha. Masyado kasing miss ng tatay kaya ayun, hindi pwedeng matagal na away from home. Maybe one day when I already have a job and my own place...
Ayy, ayy...here's a beautiful picture of my limerent object...Heechul! He's so beautiful to look at- even I have to question his gender sometimes, hahaha. Yeah, he's just a beautiful face...and a singer...and a dancer...and an actor...ok, ok, stop. Hahaha. I'm enjoying myself. Anyway...Playing baseball, tennis, bowling and golf at Wii Sports yesterday gave me a slightly sore arm today. Nothing stressful, but it feels good to find something fun to do indoors in my house arrest while I'm waiting for the perfect time to plan my day outs with my friends.
I'm not in the mood...I feel like I'm losing my touch with writing. I feel like everything around me is either cracking down or disintegrating. Distractions are everywhere, but the greatest will always be me and my overthinking self...preoccupying her mind with ideas, from what to cook for dinner to what my life's gonna be after ten years.
For two days my head was running with the thought of me thinking too much! Now that I see it, I think it is quite weird of me to be killing time with that...useless activity which realize that I have a habit of. At dahil doon hindi na naman ako nagtetext sa mga tao...I just want to be alone in the comfort of loneliness. But I know I have to shake this off and get on with my social life again...hahaha. Maybe after my phone is recharged...
I am not supposed to feel sad anymore, having resolved and settled my issues with my friend Maski, whom I'm sure I've abused mentally because of contemplation overdose. I am happy about it- no question with that. But...ayy, ayy...*shakes head* I am feeling deeply sad over the way my mother pressures me now for some arbitrary problems I play a role at but have no control of. I am confused with my father who is obviously not doing anything about it when he has all the keys to solving the present problems and freeing me from this periodical misery.
I already told my mother how bad I feel about this tendency of hers to put the blame on me for something that I have no power to change (at least for now since I still have limitations). But it seems like it doesn't come through her...and this still happens on occasion. Fighting will only worsen the situation, so I just take whatever she throws at me and get on with life again and again.
And like with most of my very stressful situations...sometimes when the pressure exceeds my threshold, I just use the many many ways to rechannel stress. Like house cleaning, when tears can easily mix with sweat drops and sniffling can easily be mistaken for mild dust allergies. Like long sits in front of the pc, when watery eyes is understood as an effect of eye strain. Like taking siestas, when the feeling of psychological strangling is momentarily halted with a good embracer. All these and more...seem effective enough for me to get over lots of stress quickly.
I hate being pressured both ways by my mother and my father. I don't enjoy it one bit (who does), especially when they always make me feel like my favor leans more towards the other...they question my loyalty to them. Ma thinks I'm for my father...my father thinks anak ako ng ina ko. That's the thing with parents, you know? When they love you for something you do, they call you their own...they claim you and take credit for it. But when you cause a blunder, or you fall out of grace in their eyes, they disown you...the inconsistency disgusts me. No wonder lots of kids fail to believe or even receive the message of care which their parents find so hard to transmit.
But then again, it is up to the kids to strain everything their parents say, especially in the case of inconsistent parents. For years I believed that my mother did not love me at all, since she has a knack at verbal abuse...and it was later that I realized that most of what she said was crap, even for her- she didn't mean most of the insults she hurled at me. Hahaha. Well, at least I still got the message...better late than never, hehe.
Ok, I am feeling sleepy. I think I may need to get over this by lying down for a while. And I still have a phone to charge...
Btw, before I go- I have to say that this is the birthday that I yearn to be away from home. I just want to go out...but how do I tell my mother when she's under so much stress? *sighs*
1 comment:
Maybe she's just transferring to you some stress that she can't handle on her own..
Bounce on, bounce off.
Peace.
Spa. Now na.
Post a Comment