A million thoughts and two songs

I'm dead tired. Ewan. The thesis, ward duty, my parents, frustrations...all got me burned up for a while. I now realize what it means to be constantly toiling as a curse of life in this world.

"Do not love the world..."

There are many gifts of life...I know it from experience. God has given me so much, which I know I do not deserve. I'm just tired. I sense the need to refocus on the most important need, which is spiritual growth. The consequence of shifting my focus from that to worldly needs is this kind of grief that I feel in the strains of worldly pressure.

I need to know more about the God that I worship. I need to read the Bible, pray more, worship more...and life a more fulfilling life as a result. Oo nga naman. Everything is temporary naman talaga, except for God, who transcends time and all worldly concepts.

Ayun lang naman. At oo nga, huwag maghangad nang higit pa sa nararapat. God always answers our prayers with Yes, No, and Wait. So pag need talaga natin, I trust that he'll give it. If not, he won't. If it's not the right time, then we have to wait in good faith.

And yes indeed, I need to realize that there are things that he withholds from me because I don't need it now. He is my Provider. Let him decide what suits my needs for the days that come and go.

Hayy...^^

And I close this with a song...

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
Oh.. I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

Dreaming with a broken heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part...

Hindi naman lahat bad tlg. The first part was very good. The second part got me feeling devastated.

So! To start...

I dreamed of being in a small white room with my classmates and friends sa nursing. Mga 4-10 berks...and at the center of the brightly-lit room was a bed, colored red. We were in a festive mood. At the center of the room sat Ma'am Cristobal, our beloved teacher na RN-MD...I looked at her belly (she's pregnant at this time) and saw that it was smaller. In her beautiful black-belted red dress, she turned to me and smiled in her cute way and said, "Anniline, nanganak na ko."

I was happy for her. "Congratulations," I said. But at the back of my mind, I was wondering why I was there. As more people started coming in, I moved out with someone very familiar who was not supposed to be there- si Maski (he's a very good friend of mine whom I love so much). I was conscious of his presence, but I did not mind him so much.

"Lika na," I told him, somehow happy with the unexpected company. And we wandered around the building (there were shops, parang mall siya) before I sensed that it was time...and I disappeared down a staircase malapit sa fire exit, but not before I bid him goodbye and said, "Text mo ko.":)

And the scene changed.

I woke up at the exact same position I had slept (just on the right side of my mother's bed). I recalled that I had to text him, so I fumbled for my cell phone. I reached for it and saw that there were two messages. It was astonishing to note that the message window looked like that of Yahoo Messenger. I could not recall much about the message he sent me, except for that part that it looked like he copy-pasted it from someone else's chat box.

It occured to me with analysis that he was sending 'I love you' to me with a picture of his barkada (which was just really weird)...but apparently he copy-pasted that message after he had sent it to some other girl na hindi ko naman kilala (siyempre nadamay doon yung name ng kausap niya). I highlighted the message (aba cellphone yun ha, wahahaha) and saw that the girl had even sent her number to him. And something about their messages told me that they were even talking about me. (aaaaaaa)

I shut my phone, not wanting to believe it. I felt so cheated and hurt. I muttered in denial, "No, no..." But it was there, the messages said everything. There was someone else he wasn't telling me about. I began to feel the coming of tears as I covered myself with a blanket and assumed a right fetal position.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part...

Yeah...finally, I woke up for real. It did not dawn on me at once that everthing that had occured was all a dream, so I stayed there on the bed, feeling a fresh surge of hurt and the urge to cry. A million thoughts were racing in my wasted head at that time as I stayed silent. So ganoon pala, may iba tlg siya. Pero teka, hindi naman kami ah, bakit ganito? Wala naman akong karapatang masaktan. He's your friend who just happens to like someone who's not you. Nothing else. Better let it stay that way...bahala nga sila...

Lord, bakit ganoon? I had to ask. I was filled with so much grief.

You roll out of bed and down on your knees,
and for a moment you can hardly breathe...
Wondering...

At buti na lang I had reoriented myself to reality before I cried out loud. I think I did. But if so, then thank God it wasn't enough to wake my two brothers (wala kasi si mama kagabi so tumabi muna ako dun). I reviewed the events in my head and realized that, wait a minute- that can't be real...and so I tried to recall what happened before I rolled off to dreamland.

That's when I fully realized that it was all unreal. Ma'am's expected date comes about a month later, Maski's not my boyfriend (I don't have a cheating boyfriend!), and yes, Maski did text me, but nothing like that. I checked my cellphone to confirm four text messages, two of which he had sent. Yes, it was all a dream.

Well, everything was a dream. But the pain was real.

And that gave me something to think about...

You no longer see clearly when you're blinded by the tears

And how true. I am writing this at 5:35 in the am to start.

Which is why it is important to be graceful under the pressures of life despite the hardships that come...and keep vigilant...set our eyes to God who matters most.

I don't even know why I suddenly wanted to write this fundamental truth- our need to depend on God as one who knows best for us.

Anyway that's all. Time to go on duty. Dump the unnecessary baggage so patient will be given professional care.