The Words Unsaid

I woke up again and again at around four to five this morning from dreams tinted with gray...disappointments of not so long ago. I wish I'm saying this as a metaphor, but it's more than that. When I dream, it's always full of color, but at this rare instance...it's all shaded gray.

I dreamt that I was back in my old school where I had spent four years of my college life. It should not have been so much to think of, except that I kept seeing that person I've been trying to put aside in my thoughts and in my life. It hurt to see him happy and daring me to say something. It seemed so real then...I felt sad as I pretended not to care, walking away from him. But it tore me apart to think how he could be so comfortable with hurting me...breaking me... I gave him no less than the best that I've got, and yet...

When I woke up at around 530 in the morning, mixed thoughts churned through my system...my every nerve initially wanted to scream ENOUGH! and push the black-handled kitchen knife deep into my chambers and up over my carotid arteries to conclude it all. The emotions were raw enough then to drive me that mad... But then as I took the time to breathe and calm myself down in the silence of my room at the break of dawn...I found my senses. I decided to get my Bible and journal, propped these heavy things on my 17 year-old mattress like my weighing heart and got down to writing. In my loose thoughts (and screws), I began to write with my more friendly .3 G-tech...

"Unwell-

Lord, I woke up from a dream of him again. When does it stop? I feel tortured...mentally and emotionally drained with these momentary glimpses of my past that so degrades and hurts me all the more. I know it's all the consequence of disobedience...I am praying for your wisdom and mercy that  may get through this alive. There are still times that I want to end this in a shortcut. But I know that's another idea that's apart from your will. So I won't. God, give me strength to withstand the odds. You're mighty and I'm in need of that might. Nahihirapan pa rin ako. I want to forget...but how? I want to trust you to resolve everything..."

After some more intimate and intense God-talks, I paused to read:

(Extracted from Proverbs 1):

(1:7) The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

(1:19) Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it.

This made me really sad-

(1:23-28) If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock you when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me.

Naisip ko lang...maybe 2 factors which contributed to the generation of this dream is that I haven't been keeping my guard up and nourishing myself with the Word. Kulang ang supply, kaya dapat dagdagan. Also, I was disappointed over someone whom I was counting on to reply through text, but then didn't come through...made me feel that perhaps they're all the same and that he's no different. Or maybe he didn't receive my text, was too busy in wooing his woman, or maybe work, or watching that movie...I don't know...*shrug*

Before I knew it, I fell asleep again, just as the sky was turning to a cool shade of blue...

11/29/09

If letting go of my hold
is your one heart's means
To embrace true happiness
beyond what is,
Then who am I
to deny you the chance?
All the choice is yours-
as my love is- in this dance:

Kindled by a wish to still hold fast,
Empowered by the will to part at last,

...

Still I know I'll let go in the final song
Then in my dreams and tomorrow, you'll be gone, so long...

Run free, my heart, my love, my soul.
Unfurl your being that yearns to be whole,
Endear your reality to the fullness of your bidding,
Lose yourself in aspiration...and if you must...

Lose me.

Over mirthful times and glorious heights,
Veil the love that's meant to let you be...

Everything you want...

...yes, you are free.

Lord, we need to talk...

(11.30.09)
Lord, I just need to talk with you. See, I have this problem I can't seem to get out of my head. It seems like I'm handling it solo again as before...but I don't want that, knowing I'm really nothing without you. So what do I do? You know more than anyone how my heart's been badly broken this month...and though in reality it's just a month, to me it's like a decade of suffering. I know about bearing the consequences of following my own folly and just getting up past the torture...but you know how this feels like more than I can bear, and I don't know why...even after having said, "I'm over it!" like twice or thrice I think...I never really do. I need you Lord to reveal to me...am I faking it? Do I not draw strength from you? I want to, my only chance to recover is you...I know you have every right to punish me for all that I've done...but even as a God of just anger, you are, as much, a God of mercy and forgiveness. Lord, I have asked for your forgiveness on this matter...I am asking for you forgiveness again if I have hidden faults I have not surrendered. I am sorry Lord...I want to stop hurting day by day...am I pushing you away in the process? Maybe to harden myself...I don't know. So let me know.

Torments of the young adult

I think I'm losing it.

Anyway, I'm just going to keep quiet and read some...

I wish I can just erase my mistakes with a series of burning hoop shots. Or maybe three servings of Jollibee palabok. Or maybe ten dance sessions at the arcades. Or a limitless set of bouts in Tekken 6. Or if I'm going my usual way, I'd be snoring under a book by Philip Yancey again. Hahaha. Hay. *muses*

Have any of you felt that way, na sana you could have done it differently...better...correctly? I'm sure I'm not the first person in history to think this way...hindi na bago ito sa talaan ng kasaysayan ng emosyon...but it just feels terrible when you're in the mess of things.

Figures. Regrets are eating away at my present state and I hate it. It's all my fault- and yes, I'm taking the blame like a man. Yet I'm partly wishing that God would take me so the torments of my past would stop taking over my mind...but then, that's not gonna work now. Hahaha.

Off to bed. Hoping to do voluntary work tomorrow. Hoping to realize that despair isn't the best present option...

Whoever reads this (in blogger or multiply), remember dear friend that however things go, only God can hold you so tightly with a hundred percent willpower and will never let you go. So stay in his hold, stay happy and always remember that you are loved by the best. And I love you too.

Boat rides, water shortage and crowds shouting help

Yesterday I as looking ahead at a day of volunteering with my friends in Red Cross, National Chapter. Nothing special, just a program somewhere around to help and we're done.

But when I came in at 7 (I was an hour early), I was greeted with a big surprise as I casually asked one of the seniors there, Ma'am Mimi:

"So saan po tayo today?"
"Ah, sa Rizal."

Huwaaat?! Oookay... as I know, so far I haven't been there. But Rizal...I wasn't informed that we were actually going to do an outreach to a flooded area there... that rubber shoes *looked down at my cool white-and-yellow fila rubbers* were not recommended, baby oil is a must-have, and we needed extra clothes and slippers. I only brought my knapsack bag filled with 2 Yancey books (just in case I get bored on a pause), my black G-tech pen (which never came back to me), hanky (as reminded often by Aldrin), and some cash.

And to their estimate, mga 7-9 ang uwi time. Ah, just great- actually I meant that both ways. I felt excited with the experience of real-life volunteering for victims of Ondoy, bringing them hygiene kits...but I was anxious with my mother not knowing. Well, I didn't know until I came in for the job! Sue me then! (But hopefully she wouldn't pry so much...during and after the trip, so...)

We moved out at ten am, came in at around 12 noon. I was surprised with the looks of our way...marami pa ring water doon sa dinaanan namin. Akala ko yun na. Yun pala, tatawid pa pala kami ng Pasig River in order to get to another side of Rizal (sa Napindan) doon sa isang vicinity na hindi pa nabibigyan ng relief goods.

First we were oriented informally by the local officials on what to expect. Sabi lulusong daw kami sa tubig baha, ranging from waist-deep to chest-deep (o di ba ang taray, hehehe). We put on baby oil on our legs to close the pores and protect ourselves from the effects of wading in the water (fungal infections, drying, etc.). We fixed ourselves- binaba lahat ng gamit, no cellphones kasi baka mabasa lang, nagtali ako buhok and then rolled up na ang black 3/4 pants.

May isa nga sa min, si Billy, nagtanggal ng pants- bale boxers lang, para hindi mabasa, hehehe kulit. Natuwa nga ako sa kanya kasi nag-offer siyang magpadamay ng mga cellphones and stuff just in case we really wanted to carry some, kasi siya rin mismo parang gusto magdala for pictures e di might as well dadalhin niya na din yung amin- kaso at the last minute di na rin siya sure, so iwan talaga lahat.

Nagpanic mode ako when I thought of the possible scenario pag nabasa ako. Malalaman ng nanay ko, hay tapos away na naman at badshot na naman sa kanya lalo itong trabaho ko. So I looked for a pair of pants I coudl somehow purchase sa mga stores dun. Sa karinderia nagbebenta ng long pants for kids. May isang xl na panglalaki. Eh tinry ko, desperado eh...kumasya sa kin comfortably as a 3/4 pair of pants, hahahahaha yey, so sugod pa rin ako., I was given the option to choose to go to the other side or not, but of course, I wanted to go help, so it was a doubtless yes.

Shortly dumating yung truck ng RC Rizal Chapter with the relief goods. That was when I slowly got the real picture. We were not there just for health teachings and hygiene awareness. We were participating in a collaborative relief operations for victims of Ondoy.

So pinaglunch kami sa karinderia. I was rather uncomfy eating kasi madumi yung spoon, which I washed sa lababo nila...and yung manok ng kaldereta may dugo pang nag-ooze, yung kanin medyo hilaw pa (minadali kasi), but then still I ate about 3 spoons max (with a passive expression) as a respectful gesture and thanked the resident cook for her hospitable efforts. I drank water from our own stock.

Then time to go work. The first task was to load the relief goods in the boats. Nagrelay mode kami, pila from the truck to the dock and pass goods. Nasa near end ako ng dock. So ayun, pasa ng bigas, damit, canned goods, noodles...yung iba galing ng abscbn sagip-kapamilya. Then at around 2 pinasakay ako sa boat to go to the other side. I was supposed to do health teachings, kaso pagland ko sa other side (on top of a roof, so hindi pala kami lulusong, hehehe yey), I found that the people were falling in line a la wowowee sa gulo at haba. They were very noisy and wanted to get their relief goods. Siyempre ang hirap maglecture.

So hindi na, tumulong na lang ako mag-unload ng bottled mineral water (in gallons, small bottles...), clothes, slippers and biscuits. May crowd control pa sa super gulo...kaso grabe may mga nagccut pa rin ng line na nahuli naman, hahahay. Some checked the locals and gave them numbers to ensure that they really belonged to the place (with signatures pa kasi mahirap na). We were watching the locals who were helping us din, kasi may mga nag-aattempt magnakaw (meron!)... at meron ngang nagbukas ng goods na hindi naman kanila. Hay.

Umambon-ambon, but I prayed to God na wag munang magpaulan, so other than a fine shower or two, oks kami...thank God talaga. 5pm na nung naipamigay lahat. Yung hygiene kits, 105 napamigay...nahiya ako kasi mali pala bilang namin, dapat 100 lang bibigay doon. 3 trips ang plan for all of us to get back sa kabilang side. I rode the last trip...so nalamigan ako at naambunan pa sa ibabaw ng bubungan bago nakabalik. Todo wash ako, alcohol and change of pants before we left the place.

On the way we made a stop at one house owned by a redcrosser, then nagsalu-salo kami sa Andoks litson-manok at bangus na may lamang sibuyas at kamatis. Enjoy naman kaso naparami ako ng coke after the meal so ang sakit ng tiyan ko. Hahaha. Kinabahan na ko dun pa lang kasi 730 na at nasa Rizal pa rin ako. Eh siyempre pano ko naman sila mapapamadali di ba... But then I talked to our driver, Sir Firstestone, who is more than what he seems.

On the way home, dahil nasa front seat ako, I told him that I was feeling anxious kasi dapat ako makarating ng uste ng around 9 para makasabay kay sahia at hindi magalit si mama. Later he offered to drop me sa Espana corner Lacson (much to my surprise). And I was given ample time to rest, change back to my rubber shoes and eat 4 pugo eggs on the sidewalk along McDo before I rode home with my bros. Thank God talaga for that help.

And thus my adventure. Grabeng pagod at consciousness sa germs, but then it was a great adventure. I met new interesting people. Dun naman sa pinuntahan namin, the officers there told us later that the people were so excited and some were crying kasi hindi pa nga daw sila nakakatanggap ng tulong. Walang kuryente rin to this day since Sept 26 pa, and yung water sa December pa daw totally mawawala. Grabe talaga yun. At kulang ang potable water na pinamigay namin...dapat sana per family may 6 gallons man lang. Hindi lahat nakakuha.

Anyway, there'll be more of that for me in the next coming days...

One Great Love

How could I have existed so long
Going aimlessly
Been there, wasted, gone all wrong
Imprisoned in my plea

My silent plea that hopes in silence
That there's more to life than this
I guess it takes humbling Godly sense
To figure what I miss

Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue
Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend

How could I have been so blind
When the answers have long been there
How could I have refused to mind
Your perfect, utmost care

You guided me through my lifeless years
Waiting patiently
You took my sins, my falls, my tears
All for the love of me

Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue
Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend

2 face-offs

I now know what scares me other than being thrown in a place where I know no one.

I went back to my old school to meet my SJ friends. Most of them greeted me with a friendly face. I was rather surpised when one of them- a very close friend of mine- asked for my assistance to help him cook a new recipe which he wanted to learn. Willingly I encouraged him to get on with in as I was ready to help him.

But as I asked for details on when and how I could help him...he suddenly became disinterested and soon left me without a word. I was hoping that he would come to his senses and return, but he didn't. It was as if I rejected him. But no, I really wanted to help him. Hayyy.

Later on...

I was sitting in a very small room where I sat down face-to-face with a person whom I consider dear to me. There was a single bed covered in white sheets on the right and a bathroom door behind him. Behind me was the exit door.

I was about to start talking with him when he suddenly had to excuse himself to go out. And out the door he went. While he was gone, I looked around and stealthily opened his wallet, expecting to see my picture.

My heart sank almost painfully as I found the space for pictures blank. I noticed a pile of pictures under one of the slits and in suspense started to browse them with a hand. I saw pictures of his many friends, but I could not find mine. I was feeling hurt by the moment. I did not understand how he could forget me in such a short time. I wanted to be remembered and cherished.

Just then I accidentally saw what looked like my picture well hidden in the opposite slit, but before I could check closely, my friend returned and I had to hastily rearrange the wallet.

He did not seem to notice anything. I did not bother asking him anything. As I was about to talk to him again, he excused himself to answer a call in front of me. Holding up a piece of paper with purple scribbles of computations and sitting on the floor before me, he told the caller, whom I also knew, "Pare, huwag ka nga magulo, makakasakit ka eh, hahahaha." Something like that. And he ended the call there to face me.

But before we could start discussing things, a girl with ruffled brown hair entered without knocking and went straight to the bathroom, but not before taunting him, "Matulog ka na lang kasi." Hahaha. To which he replied, "Ikaw ang matulog. Hahaha." And then another girl entered, whom I did not notice, but she also made for the bathroom and left as quickly as the first one did.

I looked at my friend, feeling hurt that he seemed to be taking me for granted with all these interruptions on my visit which was supposedly our bonding time together. I wanted to ask him a lot of questions, but the words would not come. I just sat there looking at him as he looked back with a passive expression on his face. I started to realize that I was making efforts to catch my breath as my chest started to hurt.

That's when I woke up, feeling my heart pumping fiercely against my chest. Tachycardia and tachypnea accompanied by substernal pain. I forced myself to breathe and regain full consciousness at once, for fear that I might have a heart attack if the stressful feeling of pain goes on.

Thus the fear of being...taken for granted..? Hehehe. I prayed for ease of physical symptoms and comfort of divine answers before I quickly composed this entry. I guess the Lord is presenting to me the challenge of putting my confidence in him and for my happiness to depend on him and his wonderful character and promises.

Well who wants to be forgotten anyway?^^ Hmmm...I ought to have more faith in the Love that will never leave me. Good morning!