An argument for abortion (just a nocturnal buzz in my head, thank God...)

While pondering on the greatness and majesty of God a while ago, I was led to think of how He can do just about anything in a divine snap of a finger...even easily decide to cease my existence in this world at His will...

But He doesn't.

Why?

Because He loves us. (I know it sounds cliche, but He DOES.)

And as the part-time logician, I probe...

If He loves us that much, then why not just un-create us all and just get on with His Lord-of-the-universe program? After all, He knows how the stench of evil has screwed us pretty badly and enabled us to come to crooked conclusions and bad decisions. He knows, more than anyone else, that humanity is mostly overrated, and whether we acknowledge it or not, fact is, sucking at life is second nature to us, even as we claim to be "civilized," "refined"...remove the earthly decors and we're all similarly reduced to nothing but filth (or I can mean dust). If He truly loves us, why not spare us of the seemingly boundless queries and sufferings of this speck-of-eternity living and just...you know, make everything perfect again and move on to the good part of the book- the happy ending..?

I'm sure the likes of Lewis and Yancey would have enough answers to weave a book or thesis for this (which they have already done). Even I would be cheering them on. But I'm not exactly here to arrive at a definitive answer on the mysteries of life (God knows I...yeah, exactly- God knows!). Rather, I want to think of this as a clue that leads me to a sensible argument as to why I would never allow abortion to be performed on a baby that is sure to be born to this world with physical defects or illnesses- congenital anomalies as confirmed by clinical tests. Technology has enabled us to diagnose such conditions pre nata, and as this opens windows to novel ethical decisions to ponder on, I think it is imperative for us to seriously consider bringing up Godly arguments founded on wisdom. Not that I'm aiming for "think ethics, save the world!" strategy- but it's an important step if you consider how many people would gradually have access to such state-of-the-art tests and would need to contemplate on such matters involving an unborn child. 

So here's what I came up with based on mooning on God's greatness just a while back tonight:

Kung si God nga hindi tayo magawang ubusin kahit kaya Niya, tapos tayo... What I'm saying is that, if God has a reason to keep such feeble beings like us alive (and I'm sure it's a VERY good one, as we know how stupid, how sinful and spiteful humans can be)... what more in allowing such babies (who are just probably one limb plus or short) to taste a breath of fresh air and live?

I know some well-meaning parents usually take into consideration that they wish to "spare the baby of a life riddled with physical pain and self-pity" that they'd pull a conclusion out of the black top hat such as: Hey honey, let's just not put a sentence through- let's put a dot to the lifeline- period! Why? It's more simple not to think about it and just get on with it, sort of like how they do it in a, say... a doll factory's quality control area- if it does not match the production standard of "normalcy," throw it in the rejects and try again! (In this process of segregation, we ought to consider how the value of life is being horribly reduced to the level of...well, dolls.)

I am aware that I am stepping on several toes here...but I plead everyone to open their eyes a bit more to see beyond what is, in human standards, acceptable. I believe that humans, imperfect and foolish as they are, are not to entitled to dictate who sees the sunlight or not... if baby hits a boo-boo in the genetic lottery, well... let him win it- and live! If God lets him pass, let him. After all, the chief end of man, although most would believe otherwise, is to glorify God in his existence. And we don't need to pass a complete physcial exam to do that. We don't need to complete a treadmill run or make it through a 5k race to glorify God- that's just a small fraction of the many, many, MANY possible ways we can do so. And for those who would not think so-  Who is like the Lord? Who owns His thoughts and ways? Who knows what is good and what can glorify Him? 

Let THE Creator decide on the matters of mortality (I meant the double entendre). Take that, abortionists.

Good night!

Lord, I don't want to drown...

After a long time, I am given a chance to quietly examine my life again. I know I used to do this frequently before, but after life became a blur in the fast lane, I just grew accustomed to what was there in the present and forgot to stop and stare at what I have at the moment.

Presently I am still hurting. Still wounded after 7 months. I want to believe that a lot has changed from the time I ran off to my eCost escapade (yes, I took a random night job to get away from the memories). Yes, there are a lot of tremendous positive changes. But even then, I am still unable to escape the consequences of my own actions. I can more readily talk of it now, which is a good sign, but I can’t help but wonder why I am still hurting and how I wish I can just take everything back.

But I can’t.

And what of God? Can I still discuss this with Him? I have gone through the notions with him, over and over in circles…and I agree very much with the reality that this is the result of my wrong choices, which is why I don’t want to lash out at Him and blame Him…I know He gave me enough ways not to succumb to such desperate moves, but I did and I know it full well. And I am supposed to be wholly prepared to take the punishment for everything...which is why I don’t want to tell Him of the pain. Maybe that is why I don’t want to talk about it anymore…maybe that is why I am okay with numbing myself from this, hoping like an unknowing child that it will just go away. In the first place, my first move was to run away when I could no longer handle it. But I did pray of it…I prayed for strength…I prayed for wisdom, which is why I understand it more and could handle it better than before.

Apart from God, I am nothing. I know that…and somehow I now realize that I might have turned into an empty shell without me realizing it…until now?

I don't know. Not yet...but I will understand... Lord, ...

Sleeping.

Shhh. Somnolent detachment mode. It's been 18 hours since my last sleep (which only lasted for about 4 hours). I'm drained...

After a movie moment and a feeding frenzy composed of bulalo, coke, choco donut with colored sprinkles, chicken curry, cheese popcorn, potato chips, minute maid orange, mc double cheeseburger, coke, water, joey pepperoni pizza...*burp* I am sleeping. (Hold the main event, folks (pork adobo with egg)- I just need to rest.)

Hahahahahahaha.

Lov y'all. Happy mother's day. :)

Rantfest

I feel like I am doing something wrong with this love of mine with God. I am not so sure. Darkness is closing in. It seems like I am not being more of Him each day. Or maybe it's a personal disappointment on expectations never met. I want to love God and be more Christlike each passing day, but I feel like I'm not doing enough to achieve that, and as a result, I feel that I am being pushed in a downward spiral- and I seem to be powrerless to stop it. I am starting to question myself again...my faith...is it really worth my time? Should I go be the Christian rebel, blasting against the current, or just break the pressure and go with the ocean? Being critical about my spiritual life...that was how I was. I prefer to think that it's another side of mine, another person that I choose to put on death row each day. But why this now... I don't want to go back...if that means choosing to become a fool for Christ, then I'd rather have that please... the 'foolishness' of God is way way better than the smarts of man anyway, as far as I know.

But what is happening to me? In my inner room of solitude, I am compelled to think of going back to the edge and living my savvy life, going solo... contemplating on life's queries as I please... but I go back to the truth that I know for sure:

Do I have the answers? Who is truly in control?

God help me. You know the drift, Love... if I'm on to something harmful or wrong, You stop me. Please. Why do I feel like this love is dying on me? But You know that I love You...feebly as compared to how You love me, but I try... If it's not enough, MAKE IT SO IT'S ENOUGH!

...

As for other things-

Quitting on mid-May- Definitely out for it. Lord, going for your game plan...
Hospital job. No idea, but going for it with faith.

10 random things

1. I'm just asking God to saturate my sulcus and gyrus...so that I may be more like him each day. I can tell from ym journal scribbles that it's my #1 current desire...I just want Him to tell me what to do and how to go about my career and my dealings with my family...that I may find my strength and wisdom in Him...I wonder if I can go the distance this year..? Have I really made a change that will glorify Him? Do I think and make decisions based on His understanding? Have I grown to trust him more than last year? I don't know for sure..but I do know I want to be more of what He wants me to be.

2. I found a strange but warm realization as I came home from work one day this week. I felt unusually charged up and cheerful as my family screamed and beat each other in games of Nintendo Wii. Ang ingay. It's a refreshing hype apart from out previously busy months when we'd be away from each other most of the time due to varying scheds... The time we had together...which for a while felt so alien to me as it's been a long time since I've felt it... it just poured in an immense measure of blessed happiness deep within my soul...somewhere down in my heart I know I've been wanting this...and I have it here for a limited time... Sa sobrang tagal na atang hindi kami nagkakasama nang ganito sa bahay, parang kakaiba na hindi ko agad naipaliwanag. It's positively different when everyone's in the house- my ma, my aunt, my 3 brothers...this is my family. This is my sense of 'home.' Grabe, what a blessing... And after a long time, it seems, I've never felt this eager to come home...to cook...to clean the house...(is that really me talking..?)^^ But then on the side, I wish I wasn't working during the holidays...I wish I had more time to rest and spend with them...I'd beat them at golf and bowling, I will! *frustrated* but I have to go to work...tsktsk...

3. Skip Beat's taking over my days like a storm in sunshine! I love skip beat! I could not stop reading it! It's about daring to dream of something more, especially when everyone else says you can't and you won't. It's being the unexpected when confronted with the unexpected. It's pushing against the waves of dull common sense when you know you just got to give it a shot before deciding to accept going with the waves and moving on...hoping somehow to create ripples which will start a tidal force that will sweep out successfully against the pacific current. In simple words, it's about this sheltered girl who suddenly realizes that someone she loves betrayed and played with her- and to exact vengeance, she pursues showbiz to beat him at his own game (he's a singer). At first it's just a battle of pride...but later she realizes her love for the craft and finds her own voice in the midst of her wonderful new world...

4. "I'm worried about your health," my brother told me just yesterday as I walked around the house to clean and cook. It meant a lot for him to say that, as I am strangely motivated to pay attention to my physical wellness. All the more reason to quit my job asap, as it's undeniably taking a toll on my health- and I know it.

5. Lately I felt betrayed by two of my friends who chose to feel 'bad' when they heard a rumor about me. Someone spread the talk that I was going to just disappear from the workplace- which is obviously not true. Had I not randomly told them about feeling unhappy about someone spreading false gossip about me, they would not have come clean with this issue and told me how they felt. ("You know that's why we were slightly irritated by you recently..!") Ouch. Honestly, you guys...I expected you to have had more faith in me...fact is, I would have felt proud of you had you confronted me with the issue at once. That would have been much better. But no...you just reacted right after hearing it through the grapevine...just like everybody else. And that hurt. I know I have to tell you about this...just to make you realize and thus grow from it. But I don't know if it's even necessary and I can't even earn the guts to tell you as of this time...maybe because I'd cry...Well, it's a risk taken for expecting more than zero from you guys...partly my fault too.

6. I didn't want to admit it before, but I now have to acknowledge that I am currently developing a chilidish affection towards Mr. J, who's always stood for me despite my peculiarities which most people would typically brush off as weird. He treats me as importantly as his friends, despite our obvious differences. Well he's a guy so he's rowdy most of the time (and I think that's rather weird for someone about seven to eight years my senior), but I don't mind...he takes the effort to understand and listen to my opinions. And he doesn't mind sharing a few laughs...lots of real tactics in business...and food. He's so cool! And he respects my fashion...my principles...my tastes...my limits. I can't help but just draw closer to him. I just want to communicate with him through the day, whether it's about serious business or just some crazy idea. Yeah, of course he's got that other side of himself...the dark side which he never denies. And the fact that he admits to having that, I like him a lot more.^^ He's not as pretentious, insensitive and narrow-minded as most guys I've met... maybe it's his age... *shrugs* But I guess everybody else never figured how I really gush with awwws when I sweetly tell him that I hate him. The glance and the smile that I throw him gives it away...I hope not too much as to be misinterpreted.

7. I composed this as a response to my own state of getting too caught up in my own world: "There IS a bigger world out there. It's just up to us to decide whether to pass upon it in quietude...or to crash into it with flair!"

8. Currently I need lots of sleep and I want to drink black gulaman in Siomai House. Grrrr why does it have to be closed this weekend...T.T

9. I had the chance to engange in a heart-to-heart talk with my closest cousin, Shane, who's currently finding herself in the dark...I can sense how her heart's twisted in pain and confusion right now. I am figuring it's because of a hurtful incident from last year that she didn't somehow find closure or resolution for. I tried my psych skills to bring it out in the open because I felt she should stop denying it- it's poisoning her system and destroying her sanity. I advised her on how to cope well by gradual desensitization. I think she should dare to confront the memories...and ultimately the incident. I also told her the need to forgive herself...as I felt that unconsciously she's stabbing herself repeatedly for partly taking a wrong turn (it happens, dear...). Most importantly, I stole the opportunity to pray for her...only God can heal. *hug* I love that girl...I hope she knows.

10. Zion's grad was wow. It sure got me inspired as well to get a move on in my nursing career...I suddenly had that nagging feeling that God intended for me to reminisce and witness the event, if only to remind and motivate me to go for what I'm desinted to be. Nevertheless, I unusually felt happy and proud for him for having made it that far. I felt honored to have been invited...though at first hesitant because I didn't want to come off as some proud... Anyway, I think he deserves it. Aside from that, I found the company of his family rather warm...though brief. Ang cool nila, hehehe. And I confirmed one funny thing about this friend of mine...yeahehehehe... *mysterious silence* Too bad I had to slip away too soon and snooze for my night shift. I wonder when I'll be able to see Zi again...he was arranging a camp for this weekened...I'm sure it's going fine at the time. God bless him.^^

Gusto ko... (whims of a kid)

(continuation of my groggy pen trip...took me a while to decipher some words kasi ang likot ng sulat ko, hahaha)

Gusto ko Lord Ikaw lang. Puwede ba yon? Para hindi na ko nalulungkot tsaka nag-iisip pa ng kung ano. Para umiwas na rin sa mga kalokohan. I love You so much, sometimes it hurts because I feel I don't know how...but bear with me as I do want to learn how to love You truly, more and more each day...to my last breath...I want to glorify Your Name in the possible ways I can do and can be. Teach me how to love You fervently. Lead me...my only love. If I stray, lead me back even if it means carrying me home.

...

After writing this down, I'm confused as to what I really thought of...it's perplexing...

Only You

(totally random...i wrote this in groggy state just before I fell (literally) asleep)

...somehow I feel that when I let myself drift off with my pen right before falling away to dreamland, my innermost desires expose themselves and spread willfully over my journal as easily and as clearly as a reflection of my face is revealed on the surface of a body of water when i turn to face it...

and i do believe this IS my desire...

I want You to be my only thought
My only pleasure to the depths of my soul
I want to be lost in the home of Your embrace
Jump into Your arms, not holding back
I want to fall all over Your clear blue sky of promises
I want You to be my only love

Only You, only You
I believe in the perfection of You
As You lead me to understand
The beauty of You and me
I can't ask for more
Only You

I want you to be my solid reason
My sole conviction to the corners of my mind
I want to revere you, trusting Your justice
My wings of hope in the unfair life
I want to fly on, be great because You are
I want You to be my only love

Only You, only You

I believe in the perfection of You
As You lead me to understand
The beauty of You and me
I can't ask for more
Only You

Mold me into Your likeness
As I can't figure me out
Shape me and set me as You gladly will
As only You can
Only You, only You