i am sad... no, it's not because of anyone. it's because of something i hoped for but never came. i thought it was my solution but no.
so sad... i feel so useless and stagnant with this situation. what do i do... exactly my problem- what do i do to solve this? for now i have no answer but sleep. but right now i feel queasy and i can't relax, so my eyes are open although i am really tired.
i am going to stop this now. lord, help me... tell me what to do, you're my boss for life.
i have limits and you don't. you know where this is going right... then encourage me and take my hand so you can lead me there.
to tell or not to tell...
I remember that time when we argued about our misunderstanding. You left for a weekend trip as I spent the days thinking about how to cover up my emotions so you couldn't see how sad I really felt. I thought I had to cover up because you told me that you didn't want me to be sad because of you. On the day we had met again, I acted like you were nothing special to me. It's more peaceful that way, I thought. But you reacted and told me how strange this was...and how you did not like this. My walls crumbled as I told you of my intentions...and how much I missed you.
Right now I am given a lot of time to think... and think. I miss you, you know... but I don't know how to tell you, or if it is even right to tell you about it. I am not sure of how to act around you, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable when I do tell you that I really, really miss you now, that my memories of you are so wonderful, that you make me feel so loved and precious, even from a distance of about 3000km away...
You are so lovely... it's like your beautiful mind is my private wonder world... and I don't mind getting lost in it... is it right to tell you all this? In such a short time, I know our relationship is very special... and I don't want to ruin anything by overdoing things... like telling you how I feel... (God help me... how do I throw this off...)
But you did tell me that I should just tell you anything at anytime, even just through the internet. I remember this. But... I am just worried that you might feel differently, that I may become overconfident, or worse, a distraction to you... God forbid!
OK, OK... I guess 'overcontemplation' is really my habit. Grrr. *frustrated*
Right now I am given a lot of time to think... and think. I miss you, you know... but I don't know how to tell you, or if it is even right to tell you about it. I am not sure of how to act around you, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable when I do tell you that I really, really miss you now, that my memories of you are so wonderful, that you make me feel so loved and precious, even from a distance of about 3000km away...
You are so lovely... it's like your beautiful mind is my private wonder world... and I don't mind getting lost in it... is it right to tell you all this? In such a short time, I know our relationship is very special... and I don't want to ruin anything by overdoing things... like telling you how I feel... (God help me... how do I throw this off...)
But you did tell me that I should just tell you anything at anytime, even just through the internet. I remember this. But... I am just worried that you might feel differently, that I may become overconfident, or worse, a distraction to you... God forbid!
OK, OK... I guess 'overcontemplation' is really my habit. Grrr. *frustrated*
Loneliness is a good acquaintance, but never a lifelong friend
I'm awfully lonely today. It's as if I fell down in a fluff of loneliness and I just want to stay under... don't want to face the world, don't want to get up from this sad comfort...
Can anyone find me here before I muster the strength to get back on my feet and carry on? I am not sure... it seems like I woke up from a beautiful dream... well yes, it's beautiful, but that's just it- it's just a dream.
The dream is that I met a lot of wonderful people who took the time to understand and know my mind. The dream is that I spend a lot of good times and bad times with them. The dream is that I found lifelong friends- brothers and sisters whom I shared emotions and stories with. The dream is that I found my first love and I had a lot of memories with him. The dream is that I found exceptional souls who cared about what I had to say and did not mind if I thought too much all the time and said too much at times. The dream is that I got crazy with them and nobody said I was doing it wrong.
Dreams... maybe that's all they are meant to be.
I had to say goodbye and get on with reality without them. That's why I am sad. I find it hard to accept that those precious moments are meant to stay in the fantasy world somewhere... that my world is quiet again without them making the noise...
I pray that I'll be able to get up and... as my brother had told be before... find happiness in other things...
Project MESS-
Recently some friends of mine inspired me step beyond the yellow line... kinda like those "police line do not cross" yellow tapes plastered all around some crime scene in some forensic series. And I am the trespasser that dared to go across...
Here's what I learned so far.
First, it is true that the forbidden things bring pleasure. Man's nature it is. But it's only for the short term, mind you... CS Lewis was right when he expressed his thoughts about man being too easily pleased, giving in to short-term pleasures without seeing the bigger picture. Easy to decide, easy to fade...such is the attribute of most worldly pleasures. And the trouble with some of these pleasures is that... they have the dangerous potential of eating us up, consuming us...making some stray too far and become oblivious to the difference of right and wrong (and I am defining this in the biblical sense, not what the world dictates).
Experience is indeed an expensive course. It is effective for learning, but it is very costly. I think it's not all worth it. After all, some experiences are just... overrated? Hmm. Leaves a lot for curiosity, but I think this is way better than finding out the hard way. (Lord, how do I tackle this? Lead the way for this crazy woman...)
It is important not to trust people too much, because people change like everything else in the face of this balding planet. Maybe today your friend tells you he's gonna be there... but tomorrow, he'll be absent in the significant occasions of your life... which may leave a hole of disappointment in your heart. True, trust is essential, but there are exceptions and we ought to weigh matters with utmost care. I think there is much mercy and kindness exerted when people discourage promise-making... by this, people are not burdened sick by some impulsively set chalkmark in the unpredictable timeline of life. Hope for the best, some people may say- but the risk is too much if it is with people, and not from God who is the only faithful One.
Apologies are not always required when mistakes occur. Sure, as a courtesy, we say sorry... but I think I've overdone this on several occasions. Sometimes, the sorry part is not so significant as the resolution of moving on to the right path... or making up for it. Saying sorry zooms more into the mistake- a good plan for improvement focuses on going one step higher in one's personal development, at the very least. As DX said, "Don't sing it- bring it!"
Decisions must come not only from the mind, but also from the heart. Two years back I had a painful experience of feeling rejected, and I think this unconsciously intensified my logical personality as a defense mechanism to prevent future episodes of hurt. Yes, using the head is good in a lot of decision-making, but not in the absolute sense. My skepticism has served me well, but in the process of numbing myself and putting my heart at habitual rest, I robbed myself of the thrills of being essentially a crazy human being, wired by God with feelings. It took an intense emotionally-wracking experience to break this...tendency of mine. I learned then that in experiencing the fullness of life, emotions are not always disposable... they are even required. We generally do not say "I think happy..." rather, we say, "I feel happy." Right? More importantly, in praising God and being honest with Him in my private confrontations, do I not need the bare human expressions to utter my glorious shouts and cries to him?
Besides, Jesus even cried... 'nuf said.
OK, this is it for now... gotta sleep! So tired of thinking... Good night!
Watch That Heart
I feel that I have to watch my heart. Biblically speaking, the heart is indeed deceitful. Recently, I came to realize that I am very susceptible to unnecessary affections. I don't like that. I am aware of it, and I believe that I ought to treasure and protect my friends by being true to them. It is not good to go beyond what is must. It's a weakness that I have to look into and surrender everyday.
Yes, I am hoping Lord, that you will enable me to keep my friendships intact by giving me virtues to solidify my integrity. I love You first and I will always want to glorify you in all I can. Ay Lord, I love you... nothing beats the relationship I have with You. Even in the darkest night, You are with me and You're all I ever need.
Yes, I am hoping Lord, that you will enable me to keep my friendships intact by giving me virtues to solidify my integrity. I love You first and I will always want to glorify you in all I can. Ay Lord, I love you... nothing beats the relationship I have with You. Even in the darkest night, You are with me and You're all I ever need.
Panic or Lack of Trust?
I feel anxious. As usual, like an eager frequenter of the back seat, I find myself attempting to take the wheel from the Lord in this journey called life. When troubles arise or when I find myself feeling powerless in the midst of problems and hopelessness, I struggle more than ever in trusting God and just sitting comfortably behind His will.
Currently my father stopped giving me monetary support, just like that. He withdrew his support just because he wanted to. I think it is too sudden and somewhat unfair, but what can I do? I can just accept this change and trust God more than ever to help me survive and grow in the process. Maybe this is a chance for me to learn money management- budgeting.
On the other hand, I sometimes think that maybe I can be more helpful to my family (and myself) by looking for a job with a much higher salary. I am looking at the call center industry for this. Of course it's a boring but practical option, but the point is, it pays a lot more than my current job. This idea must be a sign of panic in me. I have to admit that I am not used to poverty. It sounds bad, but it is true. In addition to that, I think that the most pathetic experience in the world is hunger and that one of the saddest situations is an empty fridge. I don't want to suffer these things. Maybe that's why I am finding it hard to accept this new and strange adjustment. The truth came to me in full blow just this evening. Just a few days past my 24th birthday, I have to work or else I won't have my own money to spend. I will go hungry and be a bumming adult, jobless and useless. I can almost hear my mother insisting that I should not be thinking of such complications of life yet, that as long as she's there and we're together I don't need to panic or hurry in earning my keep. She is a very caring mother, but I guess this is one thing she finds hard to understand in me. I do feel a strong obligation to be independent as fast as possible so that I would be less of a burden to her as a daughter.
I am keeping my feet planted firmly right where I currently am in this stage in my life, just because I choose to trust God to know better than me. I am perplexed with how things will unfold beautifully from this point...but yeah, I have my hands tied. I am trusting the Lord. Ang hirap! But that's it! God help me!
Currently my father stopped giving me monetary support, just like that. He withdrew his support just because he wanted to. I think it is too sudden and somewhat unfair, but what can I do? I can just accept this change and trust God more than ever to help me survive and grow in the process. Maybe this is a chance for me to learn money management- budgeting.
On the other hand, I sometimes think that maybe I can be more helpful to my family (and myself) by looking for a job with a much higher salary. I am looking at the call center industry for this. Of course it's a boring but practical option, but the point is, it pays a lot more than my current job. This idea must be a sign of panic in me. I have to admit that I am not used to poverty. It sounds bad, but it is true. In addition to that, I think that the most pathetic experience in the world is hunger and that one of the saddest situations is an empty fridge. I don't want to suffer these things. Maybe that's why I am finding it hard to accept this new and strange adjustment. The truth came to me in full blow just this evening. Just a few days past my 24th birthday, I have to work or else I won't have my own money to spend. I will go hungry and be a bumming adult, jobless and useless. I can almost hear my mother insisting that I should not be thinking of such complications of life yet, that as long as she's there and we're together I don't need to panic or hurry in earning my keep. She is a very caring mother, but I guess this is one thing she finds hard to understand in me. I do feel a strong obligation to be independent as fast as possible so that I would be less of a burden to her as a daughter.
I am keeping my feet planted firmly right where I currently am in this stage in my life, just because I choose to trust God to know better than me. I am perplexed with how things will unfold beautifully from this point...but yeah, I have my hands tied. I am trusting the Lord. Ang hirap! But that's it! God help me!
A Disparity Issue
Question: If you're a born-again Christian, is it (strictly) forbidden (discouraged or prohibited) to marry a Catholic?
Answer: (from the top of my head) It is very much discouraged. (To say that it is forbidden is bordering on legalism.) Now assuming that the question above is referring to Roman Catholics, I think this is an issue of disparity which should never be taken lightly, especially as Christians, since we are well aware that we are not only dealing with contracts, but more importantly we are risking our Christian faith with a worldly matter- that is, marriage. Note that I used the word risk. It is a heart matter...it exposes the answer to the questions: Where does your heart truly depend on? Who or what are your priorities?
Now I do think that the Roman Catholic Church has its own regulations when it comes to the topic of marital union, particularly in the case of disparity of worship. The RCs also discourage such relations. Its members also believe that such decisions compromise the chance for a healthy family relationship- if not at the time, perhaps as time goes by.
It is true that everyone has different circumstances, and maybe marrying a Roman Catholic might be a 'divine intervention' as with the case of Homer (Hosea and Gomer love team, haha)- but do let me say that it's an entirely different (and perhaps isolated) matter. God ordered Hosea to act. Now as for situations these days, commonly it's not that way. Remember that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. So yeah, maybe some minister would agree to marrying such couples (which I am skeptical of)- but at what price? The risk of divorce gets higher in such case, of course.
Let's simplify things and be more realistic. "Love" isn't enough to keep a marriage healthy- remember that like everything else, it's hugely a God issue as well! So without the relationship of a couple to the Lord, it just won't work wonderfully. I know some exceptions may exist (though I personally haven't encountered one), but for the general crowd, this is probably the case.
On a funny note, shout out ko lang: Kung yun ngang same-belief couples nagkakaluko-luko pa ang pagsasama, what more sa hindi parehong pananampalataya, hehehe.
The reason why we have the guide of the Word is to minimize the risks in life decisions like marriage. I think we ought to pay heed and use these guidelines wisely to our advantage- to faithfully grow and grow closer to God... to undrerstand Him more by following...trusting that He is wiser, His ideas are the best, and we just ought to obey Him and let Him lead us to safe waters.
So what of the couple's relationship? In the first place, the couple-ness should not have been formed, and I believe generally God would not give peace to the Christian party, even at the early stages. They ought to break it off and ideally the Christian party should initiate- with love and gentleness, nevertheless. He or she must make the reason clear: God comes first in all of life's decisions. He must be our first consideration.
Besides, if he or she really loves the other party, he or she will let the other go with the idea that God will win the non-Christian party through the best means, not by some compromised intervention which might even do damage to His perfect plan. Also, letting go enables both parties to grow without some untimely complications. If the love is indeed genuine, friendship will prevail, regardless of disparity of faith. Again, there are exceptions, but I have yet to see one, so I'll zip it.
Of course above all, prayer is very important in settling certain matters. God will talk. But the crazy half of the couple must willingly HEED...:)
Also, stubbornness has its hateful consequences, so the longer aa Christian brother holds to his decisions (in this context), despite receiving word that it's not parallel to God's word, the harder it will be for both him and the non-Christian party.
Cheesy note: Loving does not always mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting go.
God let you have your free will, your parents let you play in the real-life arena, now let the 'blind' beloved go and see how blessings unfold in her life (as God reaches out to her).
A grave thought: Perhaps (knowingly) marrying a non-Christian may actually be a form of idolatry, as it involves unwittingly putting self-happiness as top consideration (over God). No matter how "noble" our intentions are ("I'll win her" kind of b.s.), it does not justify the real consequences of such a big compromise in our faith. Ultimately, everyone loses here.
Answer: (from the top of my head) It is very much discouraged. (To say that it is forbidden is bordering on legalism.) Now assuming that the question above is referring to Roman Catholics, I think this is an issue of disparity which should never be taken lightly, especially as Christians, since we are well aware that we are not only dealing with contracts, but more importantly we are risking our Christian faith with a worldly matter- that is, marriage. Note that I used the word risk. It is a heart matter...it exposes the answer to the questions: Where does your heart truly depend on? Who or what are your priorities?
Now I do think that the Roman Catholic Church has its own regulations when it comes to the topic of marital union, particularly in the case of disparity of worship. The RCs also discourage such relations. Its members also believe that such decisions compromise the chance for a healthy family relationship- if not at the time, perhaps as time goes by.
It is true that everyone has different circumstances, and maybe marrying a Roman Catholic might be a 'divine intervention' as with the case of Homer (Hosea and Gomer love team, haha)- but do let me say that it's an entirely different (and perhaps isolated) matter. God ordered Hosea to act. Now as for situations these days, commonly it's not that way. Remember that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. So yeah, maybe some minister would agree to marrying such couples (which I am skeptical of)- but at what price? The risk of divorce gets higher in such case, of course.
Let's simplify things and be more realistic. "Love" isn't enough to keep a marriage healthy- remember that like everything else, it's hugely a God issue as well! So without the relationship of a couple to the Lord, it just won't work wonderfully. I know some exceptions may exist (though I personally haven't encountered one), but for the general crowd, this is probably the case.
On a funny note, shout out ko lang: Kung yun ngang same-belief couples nagkakaluko-luko pa ang pagsasama, what more sa hindi parehong pananampalataya, hehehe.
The reason why we have the guide of the Word is to minimize the risks in life decisions like marriage. I think we ought to pay heed and use these guidelines wisely to our advantage- to faithfully grow and grow closer to God... to undrerstand Him more by following...trusting that He is wiser, His ideas are the best, and we just ought to obey Him and let Him lead us to safe waters.
So what of the couple's relationship? In the first place, the couple-ness should not have been formed, and I believe generally God would not give peace to the Christian party, even at the early stages. They ought to break it off and ideally the Christian party should initiate- with love and gentleness, nevertheless. He or she must make the reason clear: God comes first in all of life's decisions. He must be our first consideration.
Besides, if he or she really loves the other party, he or she will let the other go with the idea that God will win the non-Christian party through the best means, not by some compromised intervention which might even do damage to His perfect plan. Also, letting go enables both parties to grow without some untimely complications. If the love is indeed genuine, friendship will prevail, regardless of disparity of faith. Again, there are exceptions, but I have yet to see one, so I'll zip it.
Of course above all, prayer is very important in settling certain matters. God will talk. But the crazy half of the couple must willingly HEED...:)
Also, stubbornness has its hateful consequences, so the longer aa Christian brother holds to his decisions (in this context), despite receiving word that it's not parallel to God's word, the harder it will be for both him and the non-Christian party.
Cheesy note: Loving does not always mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting go.
God let you have your free will, your parents let you play in the real-life arena, now let the 'blind' beloved go and see how blessings unfold in her life (as God reaches out to her).
A grave thought: Perhaps (knowingly) marrying a non-Christian may actually be a form of idolatry, as it involves unwittingly putting self-happiness as top consideration (over God). No matter how "noble" our intentions are ("I'll win her" kind of b.s.), it does not justify the real consequences of such a big compromise in our faith. Ultimately, everyone loses here.
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