Si Pilantod

Call it a serious case of inner child indulgence, but I was rather fascinated with this kid story book written by Yolanda Guevarra-Dolor. Si Pilantod: Ang Asong Tatlo ang Tuhod is about a brave mutt who yearns to prove himself useful despite knowing what the world has to say about him.

I don't really know what the big deal is with this tale... must be the cute graphics which I appreciated, or maybe the way I associated him with our dog, Lebron (ooohh the dreaded thought of 'what if Lebron had only three knees instead of four, poor baby...'). Maybe it's the endearing camaraderie of personified mammals and fowls...or the rivalry within (you'll have to read to find out more^^). While my aunt and mom insist that it's nothing special, I was drawn to the story like a child develops a fixation to a colorful candy store.

Hehehe...Anni's being a kid...

But don't be fooled by the cutesy animations- the main theme of the story is animal cruelty. And adding to the appealing points for me is its unpredictability.

The biggest impact came to me in the climax- the main hero saving the spiteful antagonist (oops spoiler, nyehehehe)- the canine saving the human who had tried to kill him and was then after his life.

Hahaha. I love it!

HBK-mania

The mania is definitely not over for me. I've been having the fever since last month.

I hope to see him and have my book signed...I want to tell him how much he has inspired me and how much I admire him. He's really handsome. Not all perfect, but he's right about him saying that he has been constant in his craft. I daresay he's achieved the same in his life, having accepted Christ and doing his best to be a good family man.

I hope to see you. Hahaha. Glad to see you're having a good life now. :)

Self-discovery is such an unpleasant journey

Just this week I realized that during these mellow months, I had the chance to look at my psychological mirror and get more acquainted with myself. It is not the most pleasant phase.

But I need the experience. I guess seeing more of me gives me quite an advantage. I am well aware that my worst enemy starts with S- the self. Know thyself, know thy enemy...that's how it goes...

So, what have I discovered so far? Two things:

1. I have a detachment tendency. Whenever I find something unfavorable, what I often tend to do is to retreat to myself in order to contemplate on it.

I am quite fond of contemplating...I spend a lot of time thinking, so much more than most people that even one of my mentors warned me that maybe overthinking could lead me to paralysis. And there is much truth to that. I find it hard to take my next action whenever I'm tempted to run away into my own thinking. Perhaps I ought to reconsider the amount of time I spend in brewing strategies in my head.

Next!

2. After reflecting on my career status, I finally realized today that the only activity/career that can be oh-so pleasurable for me is writing. Or at least it's at the top of the list. I want to be a writer. Maybe this accounts for a part of my frustration and... misery..? Naw, maybe just discontent.

Ever since I picked up my first P8.50 notebook in the mall when I was eight, I knew in my heart that this is what I would be happy doing. But then again, it's not practical. With the family issues going, I can't go thinking about myself first. (This is weird, my eyes are starting to well up as I type this)

And so under the influence of my mother, I started to smother that desire when I went to college... I think I did put out the fire for good. And now I feel like I'm really going nowhere...

Careerwise, am I really satisfied? Sure, nursing's been great...it's given me a lot of unforgettable experiences. Diving into business is also a smart move, but is it really my niche? My aunt said before that each one of us has a niche in this world. Of course our priority will always be God's pleasure, but it matters to know (and be in) the area where we function best. Maybe that's the reason why I've kept looking for other options, hoping to escape my current situation and go to where I naturally shine...or function, at least...

I feel useless.

Although it's today that I had this realization, I think that this all started one day when a good friend of mine who happens to be a good writer sent to me a link to her published works in a famous magazine...again. It's wrong to feel this way, but I have to admit, I am so so envious that I didn't even bother to read the article. I should be happy for her success, but why this heartache?

...

And now this. Well, self- you got me this time and I'm staring right back at you. Congratulations.

...

The Hotstepper Needs 2 Step Aside

Entry ryt off my cp-

I fl lyk haf f my heart s being ripped ryt out f my chest. Parang bubble gum na nstuck sa buhok, then you try 2 manually get it off..pero madikit e, and it hurts as you pull harder.


Hmm. This is d secnd instance dt iv flt ds kind f pain. As i rflect on ths situatn im in, i begin to see that perhapz ds is how mothrs typicly fl wn their sons devt a rlatnshp wd anothr 'sgnifcant othr'- that is, their partners in lyf. Or myb wd fathers 2 their daughters. Yung flng na npapalitan ka na. Parang black n wht picture sa picture frame. Parng pudpod na tsinelas na sobrng nipis na sa gamit. Parang ung bansot na mongol 2 pencil na ndi na maitasa nang maigi. Malungkot...ito ang mga sitwasyong hnihngi na ng panahon ang pgbbago. Kaht ayaw mo pa, batid mong sadyang kumakatok na ang pangangailangang makibagay at hndi mo na maiwasan, tulad marahl ng bumbay na naniningil na sa utang...o ang ngbabadyang sarap ng pagbahing. O ang nararapat na pagtabi- that is, to step aside, in order to allow a son's/daughter's/friend's significant other 2 pave his or her way 2 his or her side, and with much hope, his or her heart as wel. Yun kasi ang dapat. Parang sa punong manga- a vry important factor for growth is to ensure ample space.


I knw that. Bt i can't help but fl this way. I am sensng dt i am at a stage of trying 2 accept the reality of life's changes. I do realize dt i am easily affectd by parting in various forms...i gues ths is just one f such 'goodbyes' that i hav 2 go thru, on account f d unspokn agreemnt dt there is the risk f farewell-anytime in each rlationship dt i open my door 2. Aftr ol, in social rlatns, like in evrythng els in ds wrld, change is inevitable. We ought 2 live whle cnsciously being aware dt ol is dynamic.


So thus my sadness...bt i knw il b (and i hv 2 b!) able 2 accept d changes soon enuf, mainly for the rlational benefit of othr people. As an aftrthought, buti na rin yun- this just opens my eyes all the mre 2 d fact that nthng lasts forevr, evn rlationshps wch im afraid we smtimes hold 2 dearly. Cme 2 thnk f it, God is our sole Lover who can last as long as the rlationshp He shares with His children. I am being rmindd by my situatn dt as long as i hv ds dvine rlatnshp 2 hold on 2...i nid nt fl lonely or any less of myself. I hav evrythng in the Lord whatever comes (or goes) my way in this life.

An argument for abortion (just a nocturnal buzz in my head, thank God...)

While pondering on the greatness and majesty of God a while ago, I was led to think of how He can do just about anything in a divine snap of a finger...even easily decide to cease my existence in this world at His will...

But He doesn't.

Why?

Because He loves us. (I know it sounds cliche, but He DOES.)

And as the part-time logician, I probe...

If He loves us that much, then why not just un-create us all and just get on with His Lord-of-the-universe program? After all, He knows how the stench of evil has screwed us pretty badly and enabled us to come to crooked conclusions and bad decisions. He knows, more than anyone else, that humanity is mostly overrated, and whether we acknowledge it or not, fact is, sucking at life is second nature to us, even as we claim to be "civilized," "refined"...remove the earthly decors and we're all similarly reduced to nothing but filth (or I can mean dust). If He truly loves us, why not spare us of the seemingly boundless queries and sufferings of this speck-of-eternity living and just...you know, make everything perfect again and move on to the good part of the book- the happy ending..?

I'm sure the likes of Lewis and Yancey would have enough answers to weave a book or thesis for this (which they have already done). Even I would be cheering them on. But I'm not exactly here to arrive at a definitive answer on the mysteries of life (God knows I...yeah, exactly- God knows!). Rather, I want to think of this as a clue that leads me to a sensible argument as to why I would never allow abortion to be performed on a baby that is sure to be born to this world with physical defects or illnesses- congenital anomalies as confirmed by clinical tests. Technology has enabled us to diagnose such conditions pre nata, and as this opens windows to novel ethical decisions to ponder on, I think it is imperative for us to seriously consider bringing up Godly arguments founded on wisdom. Not that I'm aiming for "think ethics, save the world!" strategy- but it's an important step if you consider how many people would gradually have access to such state-of-the-art tests and would need to contemplate on such matters involving an unborn child. 

So here's what I came up with based on mooning on God's greatness just a while back tonight:

Kung si God nga hindi tayo magawang ubusin kahit kaya Niya, tapos tayo... What I'm saying is that, if God has a reason to keep such feeble beings like us alive (and I'm sure it's a VERY good one, as we know how stupid, how sinful and spiteful humans can be)... what more in allowing such babies (who are just probably one limb plus or short) to taste a breath of fresh air and live?

I know some well-meaning parents usually take into consideration that they wish to "spare the baby of a life riddled with physical pain and self-pity" that they'd pull a conclusion out of the black top hat such as: Hey honey, let's just not put a sentence through- let's put a dot to the lifeline- period! Why? It's more simple not to think about it and just get on with it, sort of like how they do it in a, say... a doll factory's quality control area- if it does not match the production standard of "normalcy," throw it in the rejects and try again! (In this process of segregation, we ought to consider how the value of life is being horribly reduced to the level of...well, dolls.)

I am aware that I am stepping on several toes here...but I plead everyone to open their eyes a bit more to see beyond what is, in human standards, acceptable. I believe that humans, imperfect and foolish as they are, are not to entitled to dictate who sees the sunlight or not... if baby hits a boo-boo in the genetic lottery, well... let him win it- and live! If God lets him pass, let him. After all, the chief end of man, although most would believe otherwise, is to glorify God in his existence. And we don't need to pass a complete physcial exam to do that. We don't need to complete a treadmill run or make it through a 5k race to glorify God- that's just a small fraction of the many, many, MANY possible ways we can do so. And for those who would not think so-  Who is like the Lord? Who owns His thoughts and ways? Who knows what is good and what can glorify Him? 

Let THE Creator decide on the matters of mortality (I meant the double entendre). Take that, abortionists.

Good night!

Lord, I don't want to drown...

After a long time, I am given a chance to quietly examine my life again. I know I used to do this frequently before, but after life became a blur in the fast lane, I just grew accustomed to what was there in the present and forgot to stop and stare at what I have at the moment.

Presently I am still hurting. Still wounded after 7 months. I want to believe that a lot has changed from the time I ran off to my eCost escapade (yes, I took a random night job to get away from the memories). Yes, there are a lot of tremendous positive changes. But even then, I am still unable to escape the consequences of my own actions. I can more readily talk of it now, which is a good sign, but I can’t help but wonder why I am still hurting and how I wish I can just take everything back.

But I can’t.

And what of God? Can I still discuss this with Him? I have gone through the notions with him, over and over in circles…and I agree very much with the reality that this is the result of my wrong choices, which is why I don’t want to lash out at Him and blame Him…I know He gave me enough ways not to succumb to such desperate moves, but I did and I know it full well. And I am supposed to be wholly prepared to take the punishment for everything...which is why I don’t want to tell Him of the pain. Maybe that is why I don’t want to talk about it anymore…maybe that is why I am okay with numbing myself from this, hoping like an unknowing child that it will just go away. In the first place, my first move was to run away when I could no longer handle it. But I did pray of it…I prayed for strength…I prayed for wisdom, which is why I understand it more and could handle it better than before.

Apart from God, I am nothing. I know that…and somehow I now realize that I might have turned into an empty shell without me realizing it…until now?

I don't know. Not yet...but I will understand... Lord, ...

Sleeping.

Shhh. Somnolent detachment mode. It's been 18 hours since my last sleep (which only lasted for about 4 hours). I'm drained...

After a movie moment and a feeding frenzy composed of bulalo, coke, choco donut with colored sprinkles, chicken curry, cheese popcorn, potato chips, minute maid orange, mc double cheeseburger, coke, water, joey pepperoni pizza...*burp* I am sleeping. (Hold the main event, folks (pork adobo with egg)- I just need to rest.)

Hahahahahahaha.

Lov y'all. Happy mother's day. :)