When I am met by my past mistakes

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR TRUE UGLY STUFF ABOUT ME, BETTER SKIP THIS ENTRY.

Here is a fact- I mostly hate the silence of solitude and dearly embrace the hustle and bustle of togetherness and cheer. Why? Coz with all the noise (that I mostly make too) and work that I am capable of putting into my daily sched, I am not soo entitled to think and brood and build castles in the air...being busy keeps one from doing that. But in silence? Man, I hate it, coz this is when my mistakes in my past haunt me, making me say, "Hay nako."

Hay nako. To the time when I acted upon impulse and kept a closed mind, making me lose my friends for a few good years. To the time I slapped James for teasing me. To the time I cried in front of the class. To the times I cried upon my chores and made my mother upset. To the time when I chose to be pressured by my peers and the society in order to keep up with what's supposedly acceptable and fun. To my first (and hopefully last) catfight before with my now close friend. To the time I cried in front of Eugene. To the time when I separated myself from the class and the batch just because I was too proud to reach out to them. To the time when I misjudged Bern. To the time when I shouted at Shuri. To that time when I made Tif cry. To the times I wallowed in self-pity. To the time I made Therese feel that I left her. To the time I fought with Jonreph because of Math problems. To the time when I 'attacked' someone who hurt my friend (which I think was wrong). To the time when I waged war against my big bro. To the time when I became a liability to my groupmates. To the time when I stepped on other people's toes. To the time when I refused to surrender my love life to the Lord. To the time when I complained and grumbled when God led me to be his nursing student. To the time I doubted Paulo's integrity. To the time I thought badly of Shane. To the times I escaped and exposed myself to all sorts of unnecessary dangers just because I was too selfish consider my mother's feelings. To the time I felt so unworthy to be in my circle of friends because Tif was soo smart, Bern was so brave to the point of recklessness, Therese was becoming a great leader, Shuri was a techie genius, and Pau seemed to have everything in control, etc. To the times I did O2 instead of chores and having a complete date with the Lord. To the time I thought Christian would leave me as easy as he came. To the times I have cried in self-pity because of wanting so much to be in the same university as my friends'.

I know we all have our skeletons in the closet. I have a whole bunch of them...this blog entry might not even be enough to contain them all. I fear the silence a lot because these wrongs that I have done before come back to me fresh through my thoughts. I fear being left alone without someone to talk with because I feel that if these mistakes go on haunting me long enough I'd go mad and feel depressed for a period of time.

I am praying that in time I would be able to let go and let Jesus open the door for me when these haunting thoughts come knocking again in the future.