Sleepwalking

Sunday. Alone and stupid, I cried while sitting at the lobby of a condo right before lunchtime.

So what's the fuss? What's even new, anni? Maybe you need to wake up. Or maybe you're already up, I don't know.

After all this time, I have to face the question if you really ever knew how to love me...to go for the extra mile to make me see how you love me...to be more than just the person whom I share my happiness with.

Well I cannot demand anything from you...I know that. But I'm hurt badly again...and I don't even know if you're really sorry when you said it or that's just part of routine procedure. I hope that when you said sorry it meant that you'd try not to do it again...because you've done it before...and in such a short interval...and I don't know if you just forgot that part of the apology contract.

Tao lang ako pare. Nasasaktan din. Baka hindi mo napansin, natatapakan mo ko pag wala ka sa mood. At masakit...

And how you really know how to hurt me despite everything...I guess all I have done was never enough to stop me from feeling this kind of pain...

I sound doubting right now. I know. I feel that after what you've made me experience, I have the right to doubt at least. Sabi mo noon you'll give me every assurance, as much as I need. Well, let's see you do that, because believe me, I need it if it exists.

*picks up a notebook and flips to a certain page* I recall writing this two months ago. I think the emotions are back again. I wasn't gonna post this, but I think I need to.

Scribble:

Napapagod na akong magmahal. Bakit ba laging ako ang humahabol sa mga taong nais pumalag sa piling ko? Pilit na ibinabalik ang pagtingin...

Nagmumukha tuloy akong desperadong bossy.

Should I just let them off?
Why can I just not let them be when they feel the urge to run?

Sana naman pag ako ang tumakbo, hahabulin din nila ako.
I pray that somebody loves me enough to chase me down and wake me to my senses...like I'm sleepwalking.

Ang hirap palang magmahal.
Puwede bang hindi na lang? Puwede bang wag na lang magmahal?

Napapagod ako.

Pero dapat kong panindigan ang mga taong minamahal ko.
Walang susuko.
Walang iwanan.
Kahit ano pang magbago...
Sisiguraduhin ko...
Asahan mo...

Nandito ako...para sa iyo.

Hindi ko naisip
Na akoy mapapagod magmahal.
Parang isang masamang panaginip
Itong nadaramang pagkapagal

Kahit tumakbo ka nang matulin
Saan man at kahit kailan
Ipagluluksa ang kawalan, ika'y hahanapin
Sa pangakong pag-ibig na walang kapaguran.

...