Noontime.
I was manifesting familiar signs of psychological distress. I skipped dinner, breakfast...and lunch was something I was considering then. Strangely I didn't feel hungry then, despite the lengthy time of my unintended fasting...despite the exams na dumaan lang. I was lethargic, unable to sustain the right mood for conversation, and the old solitude bug was biting at me again...I wanted to be isolated from everyone else (it's an old habit of mine which comes back once in a while when I'm not in good terms with the Lord, basta).
So! Predictably, some of my classmates noticed. I was trying to fight the disturbance, wanting to be a useful companion for two of my friends whom I care for so much. But of course, I'm bad at hiding things...and I innately wear my heart on my sleeve, so there...Steph and Tadz began to ask me, nudging me a bit without sounding too nosy. They know how to leave me alone most of the time when I shift into this mood, which I later explained wasn't good at all because hindi siya nakakabless.
Thinking that I probably needed to shed some light for them to see what's going on inside me, I verbally acknowledged reality, "I am feeling sad."
Yes, I felt sad then...but it was a sadness which I already knew. Of course as I told them already, I don't expect them to understand me well. It was a sadness...a deep feeling of sadness which comes as a consequence of my wrongdoings. I cannot begin to explain how down I felt with the realization that I let the love of my life (namely, Jesus) down again (for the nth time, anni!!!) when he's done nothing but to love me, be patient with me, provide for me, be there for me...forgive me and allow me to repent.
But one important note: God does not take sin lightly. He hates sin. And since we follow his principles, we have to abhor sin as much as he does.
Alam mo yung pakiramdam na, "I am so so deeply in love with the Lord that it feels infinitely despairing when I let him down, when I know that I could have done differently with the right exercise of my free will...but no! I just had to deliberately gratify my natural self and fail him again...for the nth time!"
Oo nga naman...sin is a deliberate turning away from the Lord. And for the wages of sin is death. It is what separates man from living a full life with the Lord. Pag nagkakasala tayo, hindi naman si God ang nawawalan- in reality, tayo ang lalong nalulunod sa kasalanan, na nagdadala sa tin sa mas malala, mas marami at mas malalim na kapahamakan. It is for our sake that God wants us to obey his principles in our lives.
Bakit, ano pa bang mabuti ang maidudulot sa kanya niyan when he's perfect already?! Tayo ang may kailangan niyan! As our Heavenly Father, he does not want to see us harm ourselves unncessarily. He wants us to flourish in every aspect. He wants us to enjoy the best relationship we will ever find- that is, with Him! Siyempre! Ang dahilan, simple lang- eh mahal niya tayo, bakit ba...
As Christians we are called to live lives of holiness...lives bent in growing in better relationship with the Lord, constantly working to improve ourselves that Christ's love may shine in us. But with the influence of sin in this world we live in, it is inevitable...our natural tendency to falter will always be there. But with strength and constant guidance from the Lord, we will be more guarded with our actions, be more faithful to Him who loved us first.
I'm not saying that sinning is justified. What matters is that we repent and we try our very best not to sin again. Para sa atin naman talaga yan.
So let me discuss: what's the difference with true repentance and false repentance? Let me give a good picture of this.
Remember the saying that life is a race? Well, those who are running towards the finish line in the right trails are Christians who desire to pursue the Lord to the end. They are running in the right direction.
Tripping or hitting the dirt can be well compared to sinning, faltering.
Picture yourself as the runner. What's the sane thing to do in case you trip?
Of course. Dust yourself, quickly treat injuries, and run on...again focusing in reaching the goal of the race...which is to reach the finish line.
True repentance is like that. When we do something against God's principles, we are bound to reap harmful consequences which we will suffer with. We sustain the burnt of our wrongdoings. (But it's not like God didn't warn us sufficiently, so the only one responsible is, well...each one of us.) We fall, we trip...we hit the dirt. And note that when we fall, it's an interruption of our run- we halt at the race...the fall keeps us from progressing through the race. And like such progress in running, personal growth is inevitably hindered when we sin.
This is where true repentance can work. If we choose to wisely rise above the fall and return to the race, focusing on the Lord...then good for us! We are able to progress in life.
What about if we suddenly decide to lie down there and refuse to stand up?
That's what I'd call wallowing. Wallowing in self-defeat...these are Christians who allow themselves to be harrassed by deceptive lies being thrown to them by the devil (wala ka nang pag-asa, I'm hopeless, I'm never gonna be anything better than this, God will never forgive me again...yung ganoong train of thought). In reality, an underlying cause of this is pride...pride that we should take control and do something about it in our own methods. Pride that we can do it out of our own efforts. Pride that we refuse to admit that Christ is enough to assure us that we can still go on with the race and be tougher through his strength.
May progress? Siyempre wala. Staying there does not yield good results. The fall results to lying down...life becomes stagnant- wallowing is in fact a time waster. This can only be defeated by faith...faith that Christ forgives us...of course as long as we are willing to repent and change for him.
I think I have a tendency to fall in this category of racers. I already asked for forgiveness...now I should just get up and get on with the running business!
How about false repentance? Now this is a viciously dangerous cycle. Let's go back to the fall. For instance we fall. And then we decide to rise. If there is no true repentance, this is what happens to the runner- instead of running towards the finish line like before, he or she runs around in circles in place, falls, runs, falls, runs...in circles.
Silly, of course, if that should happen in an actual race...but the sad fact remains that this happens a lot in real life. Now what's wrong with this setup? First, there is no progress through the race. Siyempre, gumagalaw nga pero dun lang...energy is wasted. Second, focus on the finish line is lost. Sige nga, sa tingin mo ba ang taong tumatakbo nang paikot-ikot at padapa-dapa lang nang paulit-ulit, hindi mahihilo at masusugatan nang maraming beses? By doing this, he or she just shows how he or she has obviously lost sight of what his or her goal in the race is.
See the beauty of trying our best not to trip during the race...less trips means less injuries. Less injuries means less time wasted. Increased recovery time and continuing the race means more time for racing. Constant focus keeps our eye on the goal...and makes us less prone to falling.
That's the reason why we should make great efforts in keeping our focus on the race. How? By immersing ourselves in the Word, by daily devotionals, worshipping and blessing others. Whatever is good...think of these things, sabi nga in Paul.
That's the reason why we should make it a point to truly repent as soon as possible when we sin. How? By not wallowing in thoughts of self-pity, by not thinking that we can handle it without God...and just believing that Christ forgives us if we really repent...of course he knows that...he looks at the heart! All we need to do is to surrender this defeat and move on! Come on! Race is ongoing, child...^^
That's the reason why we should not sin as much as possible. How? By asking for sustainance from the Lord. By being knowledgeable through reading the Word and knowing from there the principles of God.
God bless you all!^^ Let's run the race!
"Behold, you have become well; do not sin anymore, so that nothing worse happens to you." (from Jn 5:14)
Then Jesus said, "I don't condemn you, either. Go home, and from now on do not sin any more." (from Jn 8:11)
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