Noontime.
I was manifesting familiar signs of psychological distress. I skipped dinner, breakfast...and lunch was something I was considering then. Strangely I didn't feel hungry then, despite the lengthy time of my unintended fasting...despite the exams na dumaan lang. I was lethargic, unable to sustain the right mood for conversation, and the old solitude bug was biting at me again...I wanted to be isolated from everyone else (it's an old habit of mine which comes back once in a while when I'm not in good terms with the Lord, basta).
So! Predictably, some of my classmates noticed. I was trying to fight the disturbance, wanting to be a useful companion for two of my friends whom I care for so much. But of course, I'm bad at hiding things...and I innately wear my heart on my sleeve, so there...Steph and Tadz began to ask me, nudging me a bit without sounding too nosy. They know how to leave me alone most of the time when I shift into this mood, which I later explained wasn't good at all because hindi siya nakakabless.
Thinking that I probably needed to shed some light for them to see what's going on inside me, I verbally acknowledged reality, "I am feeling sad."
Yes, I felt sad then...but it was a sadness which I already knew. Of course as I told them already, I don't expect them to understand me well. It was a sadness...a deep feeling of sadness which comes as a consequence of my wrongdoings. I cannot begin to explain how down I felt with the realization that I let the love of my life (namely, Jesus) down again (for the nth time, anni!!!) when he's done nothing but to love me, be patient with me, provide for me, be there for me...forgive me and allow me to repent.
But one important note: God does not take sin lightly. He hates sin. And since we follow his principles, we have to abhor sin as much as he does.
Alam mo yung pakiramdam na, "I am so so deeply in love with the Lord that it feels infinitely despairing when I let him down, when I know that I could have done differently with the right exercise of my free will...but no! I just had to deliberately gratify my natural self and fail him again...for the nth time!"
Oo nga naman...sin is a deliberate turning away from the Lord. And for the wages of sin is death. It is what separates man from living a full life with the Lord. Pag nagkakasala tayo, hindi naman si God ang nawawalan- in reality, tayo ang lalong nalulunod sa kasalanan, na nagdadala sa tin sa mas malala, mas marami at mas malalim na kapahamakan. It is for our sake that God wants us to obey his principles in our lives.
Bakit, ano pa bang mabuti ang maidudulot sa kanya niyan when he's perfect already?! Tayo ang may kailangan niyan! As our Heavenly Father, he does not want to see us harm ourselves unncessarily. He wants us to flourish in every aspect. He wants us to enjoy the best relationship we will ever find- that is, with Him! Siyempre! Ang dahilan, simple lang- eh mahal niya tayo, bakit ba...
As Christians we are called to live lives of holiness...lives bent in growing in better relationship with the Lord, constantly working to improve ourselves that Christ's love may shine in us. But with the influence of sin in this world we live in, it is inevitable...our natural tendency to falter will always be there. But with strength and constant guidance from the Lord, we will be more guarded with our actions, be more faithful to Him who loved us first.
I'm not saying that sinning is justified. What matters is that we repent and we try our very best not to sin again. Para sa atin naman talaga yan.
So let me discuss: what's the difference with true repentance and false repentance? Let me give a good picture of this.
Remember the saying that life is a race? Well, those who are running towards the finish line in the right trails are Christians who desire to pursue the Lord to the end. They are running in the right direction.
Tripping or hitting the dirt can be well compared to sinning, faltering.
Picture yourself as the runner. What's the sane thing to do in case you trip?
Of course. Dust yourself, quickly treat injuries, and run on...again focusing in reaching the goal of the race...which is to reach the finish line.
True repentance is like that. When we do something against God's principles, we are bound to reap harmful consequences which we will suffer with. We sustain the burnt of our wrongdoings. (But it's not like God didn't warn us sufficiently, so the only one responsible is, well...each one of us.) We fall, we trip...we hit the dirt. And note that when we fall, it's an interruption of our run- we halt at the race...the fall keeps us from progressing through the race. And like such progress in running, personal growth is inevitably hindered when we sin.
This is where true repentance can work. If we choose to wisely rise above the fall and return to the race, focusing on the Lord...then good for us! We are able to progress in life.
What about if we suddenly decide to lie down there and refuse to stand up?
That's what I'd call wallowing. Wallowing in self-defeat...these are Christians who allow themselves to be harrassed by deceptive lies being thrown to them by the devil (wala ka nang pag-asa, I'm hopeless, I'm never gonna be anything better than this, God will never forgive me again...yung ganoong train of thought). In reality, an underlying cause of this is pride...pride that we should take control and do something about it in our own methods. Pride that we can do it out of our own efforts. Pride that we refuse to admit that Christ is enough to assure us that we can still go on with the race and be tougher through his strength.
May progress? Siyempre wala. Staying there does not yield good results. The fall results to lying down...life becomes stagnant- wallowing is in fact a time waster. This can only be defeated by faith...faith that Christ forgives us...of course as long as we are willing to repent and change for him.
I think I have a tendency to fall in this category of racers. I already asked for forgiveness...now I should just get up and get on with the running business!
How about false repentance? Now this is a viciously dangerous cycle. Let's go back to the fall. For instance we fall. And then we decide to rise. If there is no true repentance, this is what happens to the runner- instead of running towards the finish line like before, he or she runs around in circles in place, falls, runs, falls, runs...in circles.
Silly, of course, if that should happen in an actual race...but the sad fact remains that this happens a lot in real life. Now what's wrong with this setup? First, there is no progress through the race. Siyempre, gumagalaw nga pero dun lang...energy is wasted. Second, focus on the finish line is lost. Sige nga, sa tingin mo ba ang taong tumatakbo nang paikot-ikot at padapa-dapa lang nang paulit-ulit, hindi mahihilo at masusugatan nang maraming beses? By doing this, he or she just shows how he or she has obviously lost sight of what his or her goal in the race is.
See the beauty of trying our best not to trip during the race...less trips means less injuries. Less injuries means less time wasted. Increased recovery time and continuing the race means more time for racing. Constant focus keeps our eye on the goal...and makes us less prone to falling.
That's the reason why we should make great efforts in keeping our focus on the race. How? By immersing ourselves in the Word, by daily devotionals, worshipping and blessing others. Whatever is good...think of these things, sabi nga in Paul.
That's the reason why we should make it a point to truly repent as soon as possible when we sin. How? By not wallowing in thoughts of self-pity, by not thinking that we can handle it without God...and just believing that Christ forgives us if we really repent...of course he knows that...he looks at the heart! All we need to do is to surrender this defeat and move on! Come on! Race is ongoing, child...^^
That's the reason why we should not sin as much as possible. How? By asking for sustainance from the Lord. By being knowledgeable through reading the Word and knowing from there the principles of God.
God bless you all!^^ Let's run the race!
"Behold, you have become well; do not sin anymore, so that nothing worse happens to you." (from Jn 5:14)
Then Jesus said, "I don't condemn you, either. Go home, and from now on do not sin any more." (from Jn 8:11)
Quotable quote (part 2)
"Hi, how may I help you, our valued client? Would you like me to fetch you a drink, shine your shoes, babysit your kids, wash your car, pay all your debts, build a statue in your honor, and elect you president? Or maybe all of the ****ing above?!"
By Paulo Cobs...made my night happier. (Talk about bootlicking! Man! It's tough when you get stuck with such work..!)
On a serious note, hingi tayo ng patience, alright? Hahahaha!
Now, to do my laundry...*laughs another round*
By Paulo Cobs...made my night happier. (Talk about bootlicking! Man! It's tough when you get stuck with such work..!)
On a serious note, hingi tayo ng patience, alright? Hahahaha!
Now, to do my laundry...*laughs another round*
My nth nonesense entry
My final breath
I have gone from you, and you are free.
The battle has been fought, and won for you.
At the price of my silence, you, love...are free.
In my heart I know it's the best I can do.
I am left to bleed and die in sight
Of the sun that mocks me as it slowly blurs.
But I smile, I cry...in despair, delight
For you know I love you...I loved you first.
Washing with the tides of fate, so fickle,
I count my final hours that remain.
I'm counting the sands of time which trickle
And shift finely, steadily...down the drain.
I wish for nothing than death's compassion,
In my despair where you are far.
I am nothing but empty, existing in confusion,
With realizations and hopes...of a dying star.
I am weary and tired and in need of rest.
When I will have them, I know not for sure.
If this is a struggle, let me pass this test.
Come wisdom embrace me and be my cure.
Would you kindly reach out and pull me through
This pain that so consumes me more?
I know this is foolish- but I haven't a clue
On how to pick what's left of me from the floor.
I have gone from you, and you are free.
The battle has been fought, and won for you.
At the price of my silence, you, love...are free.
In my heart I know it's the best I can do.
I am left to bleed and die in sight
Of the sun that mocks me as it slowly blurs.
But I smile, I cry...in despair, delight
For you know I love you...I loved you first.
Washing with the tides of fate, so fickle,
I count my final hours that remain.
I'm counting the sands of time which trickle
And shift finely, steadily...down the drain.
I wish for nothing than death's compassion,
In my despair where you are far.
I am nothing but empty, existing in confusion,
With realizations and hopes...of a dying star.
I am weary and tired and in need of rest.
When I will have them, I know not for sure.
If this is a struggle, let me pass this test.
Come wisdom embrace me and be my cure.
Would you kindly reach out and pull me through
This pain that so consumes me more?
I know this is foolish- but I haven't a clue
On how to pick what's left of me from the floor.
Made strong in weakness
(Forgive this spontaneity, I feel the urge to do what I truly love- write, and write for the Lord!)
So what is up...
Well, background check- just as few hours ago I was strolling my way down along Dapitan when all of a sudden, someone came before me and said, "Holdap to!"OK, Just kidding...he did not say that. It was a rather friendly hi he threw my way. Si new friendship ko (and may I proudly say, a brother of mine in Christ) si Zion.
And in our conversation and his insight (thanks to God's wisdom), I am now prompted to write this:
Being made perfect in weakness:
And the Lord said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
It is funny how the Lord's principles don't jive with the world's. Well, of course with the influence of sin, that becomes a given. One of those matters is regarding weakness and perfection.
Weakness. Perfection. These two don't seem to go well at all, kinda like boiling a perfect chicken broth and suddenly throwing in whole cabbages in the previously wonderful concoction. True to the norm, we never perceive perfection with weakness, since weakness is regarded as a liability and perfection is...well, perfection. This association in the world view is rather, shall I say...off.
But that is if we miss the mark of God's message. And for those for have meditated upon it, or are willing to do so (and especially for those who have experienced it), this won't be the case.
So what's the point with saying that God's power is made perfect in our weakness?
The Natural Man vs The Spiritual Man:
The Natural Man is our old primitive selves, typically hedonistic in its lifestyle and lives for the worldly pleasures without cares and responsibilities. Its motto: My way or the highway! To state it differently, this aspect of ours is the one that likes self-governance.
The Spiritual Man is the aspect of self who seeks to live for the Lord, having the Lord ruling over the throne of his or her life. Its motto: I will follow Him...(hahaha corny, pero yun yon eh!) He or she lives in obedience to God's commands...through the Holy Spirit who guides him or her.
In the laws of physics, no two forms of matter can occupy the same space at the same time. You can't pour in 240 ml of coffee in a 30 ml cup, right? They won't fit in.
Same goes with our lives. If we choose to rule our lives, independent of God's perfect guidance, we are doomed to fail and fail and fail and fail...you get the point. Well somehow things may seem to work our way, but then because we are human and imperfect beings at that, well...it won't be long just before we slip down the quicksand of failure as we struggle some more.
But if we choose to let the perfect, the all-powerful and all-knowing (and may I gladly add), all-loving God rule our lives (and believe me it is possible only with the wholehearted accpetance of Christ in our lives)...well, perfect, perfect, perfect! Your life in God's hands has a guarantee of security like no other.^^
So where does weakness come in here?
Well, human as we are, we all have our weaknesses. It is said that it is in our most despairing moments when our weaknesses are exposed that we feel closest to God. Well, notice, people tend to call upon the Lord once they're done with trying everything they can. It is when we are in a really tight fix when we really and seriously call upon the Lord (verbally- as in, 'Diyoskopo!' or not, hehehe). Contrary to the verse, "But seek first the kingdom of God..." the human tendency is to seek the Lord last...which is of course foolish, since the best way comes from the best help for any form of trouble.
Yeah, we're all guilty of that...troubleshooting the workings of life without proper consultation, tinkering with circumstances...until our unimpressive handiwork explodes right in our faces! Hahahaha! Di ba. And we owe that to human pride, the natural rebel in us...which hinders us from realizing the best that a God-surrendered life has to offer.
But try to see the beauty of this...when man tries to do things his way, his ways go wasted, all his efforts turn out to be futile, and his weakness...his limitations as an ordinary man...are exposed for all the world- and even him- to see. Stripped of his objects of security (money, fame, power, employment, friends in high places, food, clothing, shelter, or even health...etc.), he realizes his need for expert (and I MEAN expert) help, which only comes from the Lord. When he humbles himself and allows God to work in his life by faith, that's when wonderful things happen to him...the Lord makes himself known more intimately to him as he touches his life more deeply. The Lord's power is made perfect...is seen...is known...is realized...through the man's weakness.
Precisely! How can one realize the efficiency of a bungee cord if the bungee jumper refuses to jump down and hang around with it (literally)? My point in saying that is that, in our shortcomings, our humanness, we learn to fully acknowledge and realize God's power, which transforms us if we are only willing to have faith in him who first loved us.
Application:
My aunt once told me how the worst of us are called to do God's bidding. Jesus had uneducated fishermen (who are easily scared by a storm) to get revved up for discipleship. He even had unemployed commoners (among them who are cowards, traitors, tax collectors, lepers...) for companions. Check out former profiles (I meant to say former because God has mercifully transformed them, thankfully) of God's lineup of servants: We have a murderer (Moses), adulterer and murderer (David), disobedient coward (Jonah), persecutor of Christians (Paul)...the list goes on and on...
What I am trying to point out here is that the way God can transform lives is directly proportional to how much of our lives we are willing to offer to him. Offer 5% and you get 5%. Offer 40 and you get that. Offer your whole life and you get 100% happiness. Holding back just won't do...sometimes we are even unaware that we haven't given up everything. In such case, he helps us uncover areas of our lives which need to be given up to him. He is more than willing to help us clean up...to let go.
On a personal note, nothing makes me feel more humbled than being nudged by the Lord to do his bidding of sharing the good news of Salvation to others. It is in doing this that I feel the need to totally depend on him for my high spirits and peace. When I run from him and refuse to share with him my mistakes, my sins, my past hurts and limitations...yeap, that's when my life takes a nosedive. Down the cliff of self-sufficiency. Hahaha.
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong."
Amen to that!
And a concluding note:
Rom. 5:19 - "through the obedience of the One, the many will be made righteous"
Good night everyone!^^
So what is up...
Well, background check- just as few hours ago I was strolling my way down along Dapitan when all of a sudden, someone came before me and said, "Holdap to!"OK, Just kidding...he did not say that. It was a rather friendly hi he threw my way. Si new friendship ko (and may I proudly say, a brother of mine in Christ) si Zion.
And in our conversation and his insight (thanks to God's wisdom), I am now prompted to write this:
Being made perfect in weakness:
And the Lord said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
It is funny how the Lord's principles don't jive with the world's. Well, of course with the influence of sin, that becomes a given. One of those matters is regarding weakness and perfection.
Weakness. Perfection. These two don't seem to go well at all, kinda like boiling a perfect chicken broth and suddenly throwing in whole cabbages in the previously wonderful concoction. True to the norm, we never perceive perfection with weakness, since weakness is regarded as a liability and perfection is...well, perfection. This association in the world view is rather, shall I say...off.
But that is if we miss the mark of God's message. And for those for have meditated upon it, or are willing to do so (and especially for those who have experienced it), this won't be the case.
So what's the point with saying that God's power is made perfect in our weakness?
The Natural Man vs The Spiritual Man:
The Natural Man is our old primitive selves, typically hedonistic in its lifestyle and lives for the worldly pleasures without cares and responsibilities. Its motto: My way or the highway! To state it differently, this aspect of ours is the one that likes self-governance.
The Spiritual Man is the aspect of self who seeks to live for the Lord, having the Lord ruling over the throne of his or her life. Its motto: I will follow Him...(hahaha corny, pero yun yon eh!) He or she lives in obedience to God's commands...through the Holy Spirit who guides him or her.
In the laws of physics, no two forms of matter can occupy the same space at the same time. You can't pour in 240 ml of coffee in a 30 ml cup, right? They won't fit in.
Same goes with our lives. If we choose to rule our lives, independent of God's perfect guidance, we are doomed to fail and fail and fail and fail...you get the point. Well somehow things may seem to work our way, but then because we are human and imperfect beings at that, well...it won't be long just before we slip down the quicksand of failure as we struggle some more.
But if we choose to let the perfect, the all-powerful and all-knowing (and may I gladly add), all-loving God rule our lives (and believe me it is possible only with the wholehearted accpetance of Christ in our lives)...well, perfect, perfect, perfect! Your life in God's hands has a guarantee of security like no other.^^
So where does weakness come in here?
Well, human as we are, we all have our weaknesses. It is said that it is in our most despairing moments when our weaknesses are exposed that we feel closest to God. Well, notice, people tend to call upon the Lord once they're done with trying everything they can. It is when we are in a really tight fix when we really and seriously call upon the Lord (verbally- as in, 'Diyoskopo!' or not, hehehe). Contrary to the verse, "But seek first the kingdom of God..." the human tendency is to seek the Lord last...which is of course foolish, since the best way comes from the best help for any form of trouble.
Yeah, we're all guilty of that...troubleshooting the workings of life without proper consultation, tinkering with circumstances...until our unimpressive handiwork explodes right in our faces! Hahahaha! Di ba. And we owe that to human pride, the natural rebel in us...which hinders us from realizing the best that a God-surrendered life has to offer.
But try to see the beauty of this...when man tries to do things his way, his ways go wasted, all his efforts turn out to be futile, and his weakness...his limitations as an ordinary man...are exposed for all the world- and even him- to see. Stripped of his objects of security (money, fame, power, employment, friends in high places, food, clothing, shelter, or even health...etc.), he realizes his need for expert (and I MEAN expert) help, which only comes from the Lord. When he humbles himself and allows God to work in his life by faith, that's when wonderful things happen to him...the Lord makes himself known more intimately to him as he touches his life more deeply. The Lord's power is made perfect...is seen...is known...is realized...through the man's weakness.
Precisely! How can one realize the efficiency of a bungee cord if the bungee jumper refuses to jump down and hang around with it (literally)? My point in saying that is that, in our shortcomings, our humanness, we learn to fully acknowledge and realize God's power, which transforms us if we are only willing to have faith in him who first loved us.
Application:
My aunt once told me how the worst of us are called to do God's bidding. Jesus had uneducated fishermen (who are easily scared by a storm) to get revved up for discipleship. He even had unemployed commoners (among them who are cowards, traitors, tax collectors, lepers...) for companions. Check out former profiles (I meant to say former because God has mercifully transformed them, thankfully) of God's lineup of servants: We have a murderer (Moses), adulterer and murderer (David), disobedient coward (Jonah), persecutor of Christians (Paul)...the list goes on and on...
What I am trying to point out here is that the way God can transform lives is directly proportional to how much of our lives we are willing to offer to him. Offer 5% and you get 5%. Offer 40 and you get that. Offer your whole life and you get 100% happiness. Holding back just won't do...sometimes we are even unaware that we haven't given up everything. In such case, he helps us uncover areas of our lives which need to be given up to him. He is more than willing to help us clean up...to let go.
On a personal note, nothing makes me feel more humbled than being nudged by the Lord to do his bidding of sharing the good news of Salvation to others. It is in doing this that I feel the need to totally depend on him for my high spirits and peace. When I run from him and refuse to share with him my mistakes, my sins, my past hurts and limitations...yeap, that's when my life takes a nosedive. Down the cliff of self-sufficiency. Hahaha.
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong."
Amen to that!
And a concluding note:
Rom. 5:19 - "through the obedience of the One, the many will be made righteous"
Good night everyone!^^
Chocolate Stories
I felt unusually special recently with the chocolate effect...
Nips:
One day I was feeling very off the mood...and there was Yani...Arianne...who met me outside the room and asked me for the second time during the day kung okay lang ba ako...of course I said...nah, I'm not...but I'll be fine...thanks. And then she handed me a big pack of Nips...na alam niyang gusto ko. I was surprised...didn't know what to say but...thank you. Pero grabe talaga nun, in my sad moment, gusto kong umiyak nun kasi sobrang naparamdam niya sa kin how I mattered to her...and it felt touching...it felt right. Aaaaa...so overwhelming, the blessing of a Yani! Thank you...
Nips (part 2):
Nasa Rosarito Street kami ni KR, perpendicular to Dapitan Street...wanted to eat something then we encountered Carla and Val, eating tusok-tusok...ayun, join naman kami...later in the middle of the fun chitchat, si Carla binigyan ako ng Nips...medyo nagulat ako kasi I really liked one earlier and she was handing it to me without being aware of that little yearning, hehehe. I wanted to cheer myself up, but then here they are, three of my friends who made me laugh for a good long hour before the rain fell and we had to disperse...^^
Baby Ruth, Snickers, Butterfinger:
About three weeks back, a very dear friend of mine, si Aldrin, binigyan ako ng Baby Ruth, Snickers at Butterfinger one day...much to my astonishment. I was really happy then na naisip niyang bigyan ako ng sweets...kasi ayun, para sa kin the unanticipated delights really count more than the expected. I felt really special kasi it's from him, and even in the busy moment naisip niyang bigyan ako. Pero may underlying asar yun eh...kasi alam niya na never ko pang natitikman yang mga yan...out of choice and uncertainty (kasi nga takot ako sa bagong panlasa, okay...). And I haven't eaten any of them because I'm still waiting for the time when I'll dare myself to bite...and also, ayoko kasi kainin kasi pag kinain ko, wala na...sentimental thingy...hahahahaha. Kids...
Cookies and cream chocolate (c/o maglalako from San Lazaro Hospital):
Vday was a working day for me and my groupmates in the Female Surgery Ward. It wasn't so much for sweets, but then yung maglalako sa San Lazaro, dumayo dun sa room namin (you know, yung guy na naglalako while saying his trademark advertisement: 'Masarap...*with feelings pa*" hwahahahaha). I was curious so I bought some. But before that, one of the guys from the afternoon shift na nandoon na, si Gian, whom I just had a chance to have a chitchat there with on that day, handed me a cookies and cream choloate in a small cupcake mold. I casually thanked him for that, but it strangely made me feel happy in the midst of the chaos of work...kasi hindi naman talaga kami close, pero ayun, he just wanted to be nice there.
White chocolate with rice crispies and colored candy sprinkles (c/o maglalako again, hehehe):
Yesterday was a very tiring make-up 10-hour duty for some of us in the Neuro ward, 2nd floor CD. I wasn't so thrilled with the idea, waking up early on a supposedly no-class day (which I actually deserved naman, come on anni). But it turned out to be predictably different and fun...since all of the members of the 'RLE' group were generally warm and nice.
Kakatuwa nga si Joan, TL for the day...and kulit, hahaha (walanghiyang TL yan, itakwil na nga:P).
Si Mr. Wee (Darwin Wee) at Mrs. Wee (JV Yatco), ayun tandem pa rin...and I really appreciate their presence...and the opportunity to have duty with them.
Si Dons (the other Mrs. Wee) at Sigh...ayun, kulit din, dami kwento.^^
Si Steph at Alex, siyempre ka-RLE ko yan...love to have the duty with them, of course.
Si Chesca, Kat, Isa, Myron at Jude...cool din naman, willing to cooperate and join the group.
At some point during the duty hours, dumating na naman si malalako. Sabi, "Masarap.." Hahaha. So bili kami. I bought the whole pack of white chocolates...later bigay bigay...it also helped me start conversation with Jude, whom I saw as silent, pero ayun daldal din pala, hehehe. Nagulat din ako kay Isa kasi I didn't expect her to give me polvoron...kids ba...pero ayun, nagulat ako with her sweet gesture and so I gratefully accepted.
Okay, ayun...informal chocolate kwento...hehehe. I want to eat chocolate!
Nips:
One day I was feeling very off the mood...and there was Yani...Arianne...who met me outside the room and asked me for the second time during the day kung okay lang ba ako...of course I said...nah, I'm not...but I'll be fine...thanks. And then she handed me a big pack of Nips...na alam niyang gusto ko. I was surprised...didn't know what to say but...thank you. Pero grabe talaga nun, in my sad moment, gusto kong umiyak nun kasi sobrang naparamdam niya sa kin how I mattered to her...and it felt touching...it felt right. Aaaaa...so overwhelming, the blessing of a Yani! Thank you...
Nips (part 2):
Nasa Rosarito Street kami ni KR, perpendicular to Dapitan Street...wanted to eat something then we encountered Carla and Val, eating tusok-tusok...ayun, join naman kami...later in the middle of the fun chitchat, si Carla binigyan ako ng Nips...medyo nagulat ako kasi I really liked one earlier and she was handing it to me without being aware of that little yearning, hehehe. I wanted to cheer myself up, but then here they are, three of my friends who made me laugh for a good long hour before the rain fell and we had to disperse...^^
Baby Ruth, Snickers, Butterfinger:
About three weeks back, a very dear friend of mine, si Aldrin, binigyan ako ng Baby Ruth, Snickers at Butterfinger one day...much to my astonishment. I was really happy then na naisip niyang bigyan ako ng sweets...kasi ayun, para sa kin the unanticipated delights really count more than the expected. I felt really special kasi it's from him, and even in the busy moment naisip niyang bigyan ako. Pero may underlying asar yun eh...kasi alam niya na never ko pang natitikman yang mga yan...out of choice and uncertainty (kasi nga takot ako sa bagong panlasa, okay...). And I haven't eaten any of them because I'm still waiting for the time when I'll dare myself to bite...and also, ayoko kasi kainin kasi pag kinain ko, wala na...sentimental thingy...hahahahaha. Kids...
Cookies and cream chocolate (c/o maglalako from San Lazaro Hospital):
Vday was a working day for me and my groupmates in the Female Surgery Ward. It wasn't so much for sweets, but then yung maglalako sa San Lazaro, dumayo dun sa room namin (you know, yung guy na naglalako while saying his trademark advertisement: 'Masarap...*with feelings pa*" hwahahahaha). I was curious so I bought some. But before that, one of the guys from the afternoon shift na nandoon na, si Gian, whom I just had a chance to have a chitchat there with on that day, handed me a cookies and cream choloate in a small cupcake mold. I casually thanked him for that, but it strangely made me feel happy in the midst of the chaos of work...kasi hindi naman talaga kami close, pero ayun, he just wanted to be nice there.
White chocolate with rice crispies and colored candy sprinkles (c/o maglalako again, hehehe):
Yesterday was a very tiring make-up 10-hour duty for some of us in the Neuro ward, 2nd floor CD. I wasn't so thrilled with the idea, waking up early on a supposedly no-class day (which I actually deserved naman, come on anni). But it turned out to be predictably different and fun...since all of the members of the 'RLE' group were generally warm and nice.
Kakatuwa nga si Joan, TL for the day...and kulit, hahaha (walanghiyang TL yan, itakwil na nga:P).
Si Mr. Wee (Darwin Wee) at Mrs. Wee (JV Yatco), ayun tandem pa rin...and I really appreciate their presence...and the opportunity to have duty with them.
Si Dons (the other Mrs. Wee) at Sigh...ayun, kulit din, dami kwento.^^
Si Steph at Alex, siyempre ka-RLE ko yan...love to have the duty with them, of course.
Si Chesca, Kat, Isa, Myron at Jude...cool din naman, willing to cooperate and join the group.
At some point during the duty hours, dumating na naman si malalako. Sabi, "Masarap.." Hahaha. So bili kami. I bought the whole pack of white chocolates...later bigay bigay...it also helped me start conversation with Jude, whom I saw as silent, pero ayun daldal din pala, hehehe. Nagulat din ako kay Isa kasi I didn't expect her to give me polvoron...kids ba...pero ayun, nagulat ako with her sweet gesture and so I gratefully accepted.
Okay, ayun...informal chocolate kwento...hehehe. I want to eat chocolate!
Death and Life in experience
It's ten minutes to seven and I'm still here in school...in the lib actually, trying to be busy and useful at the same time. Supposedly I'm on my way home now, but then change of plans...mama has to attend to some emergency, so I stay and wait for my brother to finish his classes in an hour and a half...
So! What's interesting about today...
Well, we had our special area duty today in the ER and CKD. ER wasn't exactly as filled in the morning as it was in the aft...and CKD only meant standing for so long, checking on machine figures, taking blood pressures every 30 minutes or so...But I'd say it was fun and was a very enriching exposure in the sense that I had the chance to see other patients with specific needs.
Thought for the day: Malas kaya ako?
Last week I had a patient who died on me on my second day with her. I did postmortem care and took her to the oven (hehe aka morgue) on Friday the 13th. When I got to back to the ward another patient died...great timing. Hehehe. My prof later remarked to us that it's a record- two patients dying, two postmortem cares in one shift and in one day...hahaha what a track record...
And then just a few hours ago I handled a patient who suddenly did not wake up anymore...well, I know it's from a med reaction given per IV...but then after the incident he never woke up and that worried me a lot, though I now have yet to know what happened to him because I could not stay for long after he lost consciousness. We were trying to pinch him on the chest area to wake him...he wasn't responding to the pain. GCS=3...I hope he just fell asleep...but no...score says he's in a coma. Grar. *frustrated*
Well, consclusion is there is no such thing as malas. I know I did my best in taking care of these two patients...the mother of the patient who died even held my two hands hours after the incident and thanked me for doing a great job of service which they all felt in the social circle of the patient. The patient a while ago who had to stop his dialysis...well, the relatives seemed alarmed but then they knew it was from the medication, so not my thing...and also, he was hypoglycemic as recorded. CBG=60mg/dl (normal is 80-120mg/dl).
So no, no...no Anni, you're not the cause of trouble, the relatives love you, in fact...hahaha. Too much that they even give you oranges, jollibee, choco crunchies, hugs...ask for your number...(but hey, I didn't accept all of them...except for the choco crunchies which I took only after a playful/real threat that if I didn't, the post-cranio patient would become more stressed out and that would cause increase in intracranial pressure and would cause him to bleed some more postoperatively through his nose (which would then be my fault)...talk about good blackmail, yeahehehe).
Also, a while ago I suffered an allergic reaction I think...I dunno what it was out of the many things I munched on but my nose became scratchy for about an hour after a binge by the hepa line perpendicular to Dapitan street. I don't have any known allergies...but then what's with this...hmmm...I'd put a tab on that and include it in the 'for further observation' rack...hmm was it the homemade chili sauce I sampled..?
And I checked some biblio...I was looking for 'Dysgerminoma,' but then I couldn't find a free journal article on that in relation to pediatric clients...one of whom I handled. It's a minor problem...I already have backups though, so I don't mind.
Wishlist of things to do:
-Figure an impressive pair of Nursing Care Plans for Ma'am Libut.
-See Mrs. Aromin.
-Eat chicken feet at Causeway.
-Spend time with Jrep.
-Get my Pref cards completed, c/o Ma'am Natividad.
-Be present during friday for 'youtube reaction vid shoot.'
-Do the writeup for Jords.
-Buy mamita some flowers.
Spiritual Hunger:
Recently I know I haven't been too attentive with my appetite for the Word. And it's draining me so much...I've been more fatigued, more easily irritable, binging more often...and it's all because I'm not feeding spiritually. And it's got to stop. Today.
The Lord impressed on me this question two days ago: 'How far have you gone from me?'
And I could not answer...and I felt very sad, because I know so well in my heart that I've been such a shame for his name...and I need forgiveness badly. I need to repair my life..repent and get back on the right track where there is true happiness and peace with Jesus...amen to that.
Also, in my moments of weakness, I dreamed of something that he wanted me to do...I'm not so sure at the time what it means to me, but I just know...I need to overcome the darkness through Him who gives me strength. I am a child of God...and I hold the surest love that no one can take away from me.
Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me
*Ahahaha. Kasama ko si Stephie ngayon dito sa nitro. Nako, kawawa ako, binubully kasi ako. Huhuhu. T.T*
Sbi niya ala dw katotohanan, yah right! :P
So! What's interesting about today...
Well, we had our special area duty today in the ER and CKD. ER wasn't exactly as filled in the morning as it was in the aft...and CKD only meant standing for so long, checking on machine figures, taking blood pressures every 30 minutes or so...But I'd say it was fun and was a very enriching exposure in the sense that I had the chance to see other patients with specific needs.
Thought for the day: Malas kaya ako?
Last week I had a patient who died on me on my second day with her. I did postmortem care and took her to the oven (hehe aka morgue) on Friday the 13th. When I got to back to the ward another patient died...great timing. Hehehe. My prof later remarked to us that it's a record- two patients dying, two postmortem cares in one shift and in one day...hahaha what a track record...
And then just a few hours ago I handled a patient who suddenly did not wake up anymore...well, I know it's from a med reaction given per IV...but then after the incident he never woke up and that worried me a lot, though I now have yet to know what happened to him because I could not stay for long after he lost consciousness. We were trying to pinch him on the chest area to wake him...he wasn't responding to the pain. GCS=3...I hope he just fell asleep...but no...score says he's in a coma. Grar. *frustrated*
Well, consclusion is there is no such thing as malas. I know I did my best in taking care of these two patients...the mother of the patient who died even held my two hands hours after the incident and thanked me for doing a great job of service which they all felt in the social circle of the patient. The patient a while ago who had to stop his dialysis...well, the relatives seemed alarmed but then they knew it was from the medication, so not my thing...and also, he was hypoglycemic as recorded. CBG=60mg/dl (normal is 80-120mg/dl).
So no, no...no Anni, you're not the cause of trouble, the relatives love you, in fact...hahaha. Too much that they even give you oranges, jollibee, choco crunchies, hugs...ask for your number...(but hey, I didn't accept all of them...except for the choco crunchies which I took only after a playful/real threat that if I didn't, the post-cranio patient would become more stressed out and that would cause increase in intracranial pressure and would cause him to bleed some more postoperatively through his nose (which would then be my fault)...talk about good blackmail, yeahehehe).
Also, a while ago I suffered an allergic reaction I think...I dunno what it was out of the many things I munched on but my nose became scratchy for about an hour after a binge by the hepa line perpendicular to Dapitan street. I don't have any known allergies...but then what's with this...hmmm...I'd put a tab on that and include it in the 'for further observation' rack...hmm was it the homemade chili sauce I sampled..?
And I checked some biblio...I was looking for 'Dysgerminoma,' but then I couldn't find a free journal article on that in relation to pediatric clients...one of whom I handled. It's a minor problem...I already have backups though, so I don't mind.
Wishlist of things to do:
-Figure an impressive pair of Nursing Care Plans for Ma'am Libut.
-See Mrs. Aromin.
-Eat chicken feet at Causeway.
-Spend time with Jrep.
-Get my Pref cards completed, c/o Ma'am Natividad.
-Be present during friday for 'youtube reaction vid shoot.'
-Do the writeup for Jords.
-Buy mamita some flowers.
Spiritual Hunger:
Recently I know I haven't been too attentive with my appetite for the Word. And it's draining me so much...I've been more fatigued, more easily irritable, binging more often...and it's all because I'm not feeding spiritually. And it's got to stop. Today.
The Lord impressed on me this question two days ago: 'How far have you gone from me?'
And I could not answer...and I felt very sad, because I know so well in my heart that I've been such a shame for his name...and I need forgiveness badly. I need to repair my life..repent and get back on the right track where there is true happiness and peace with Jesus...amen to that.
Also, in my moments of weakness, I dreamed of something that he wanted me to do...I'm not so sure at the time what it means to me, but I just know...I need to overcome the darkness through Him who gives me strength. I am a child of God...and I hold the surest love that no one can take away from me.
Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me
*Ahahaha. Kasama ko si Stephie ngayon dito sa nitro. Nako, kawawa ako, binubully kasi ako. Huhuhu. T.T*
Sbi niya ala dw katotohanan, yah right! :P
A new piece. Give me a title!
I'm happy with this latest creation...give me a title for it!
Should I smile despite the fears,
Because I should brave it and hide the tears?
Should I look and say, "I'm happy" though,
My heart bleeds on with too much sorrow?
I ask too much, I'm not easy to know.
I have things yet to learn, and learn too slow.
But my love is enough, let it be enough,
To make you shine like a gem in the rough.
I want to pretend I'm perfectly fine,
For you might not understand my hidden whines.
I want to be honest and tell you straight,
But you don't need the extra weight.
Be mine to the end- a promise stands made...
But will it suffice when new paths are laid?
I am chained in the dark, you are free in the sun.
I can't hold you back when you choose to be gone.
I want to be true, I want to cheer on,
For your every ambition, dream and vision.
But should I lie to myself in the name of you?
Should I deny my wounds and be untrue?
I don't know...I really don't know.
*baw*^^
Should I smile despite the fears,
Because I should brave it and hide the tears?
Should I look and say, "I'm happy" though,
My heart bleeds on with too much sorrow?
I ask too much, I'm not easy to know.
I have things yet to learn, and learn too slow.
But my love is enough, let it be enough,
To make you shine like a gem in the rough.
I want to pretend I'm perfectly fine,
For you might not understand my hidden whines.
I want to be honest and tell you straight,
But you don't need the extra weight.
Be mine to the end- a promise stands made...
But will it suffice when new paths are laid?
I am chained in the dark, you are free in the sun.
I can't hold you back when you choose to be gone.
I want to be true, I want to cheer on,
For your every ambition, dream and vision.
But should I lie to myself in the name of you?
Should I deny my wounds and be untrue?
I don't know...I really don't know.
*baw*^^
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