It tears me to think that I need to loosen my hold on you guys a little.
Sometimes I feel that I should just know my limits when it comes to deciding who to see and who to be with. Now that I've thought of that, I see the downsides of having great friends whom I want to know more about but can't seem to spend enough time with them to do that.
Yeah, I'm talking about my friends (and not acquaintances anymore) from engineering...si Kathy, Paul, Kim, Ken, Jirelle, Kency, Gerald at Aldrin. I know it's just not me to entertain friends who spend their lives far apart from me. I belong to nursing. They belong to the same place. What makes me think I'll ever find a way to keep them close to me? Ewan. I hope it's not this complicated, but it is, apparently.
Since I've met them all, they've made me happy in the way they shared their colorful lives with me...their thoughts, their stories, laughtrips, opinions...and before I sensed it coming, I was anticipating the chances that I could talk with them for a bit. It's as if I've established a connection with them in such a short time. And it touches me a lot to think that they welcomed me despite the fact that I was really different from them. Weird, pero parang sila yung high school berks ko nung nasa sj ako...they warmly welcomed me in.
But it's not that they're the only ones who make me happy and feel that I belong. No. Believe me, I do love my other friends enough sa nursing and sa sj...I love them all. But then I feel that I can also have something special with tropang chong, and yet I know I cannot enhance that possibility any more than the short moments I have with them because I'm just restricted to do so. Major factors include my college course, my mother, my brother, and the time contraints.
My mother does not want me to be friends with them. And since she knows my whereabouts, well...it's a tough thing to hide from her...na napamahal na nga ako sa mga batang ito. I always want to help them out and be present when they laugh, or when they cry...and sometimes I just want to hit some of them for fun, hehehe. Kaso kasalanan ko na rin naman na ganun na lang ang doubts niya sa kanila...kasi hindi same ground. Basta feel ko ako may kasalanan, kasi I insisted to be with them, kahit alam ko yung risks.
Naguguluhan ako kasi I want to be close to them, yet now I realize that maybe I should just wait for the right time when everything will fall in the right place and perhaps then I can be closer to them.
I pray that the time will come when I will be allowed to see them...without being told that I can't, that I shouldn't...whatever. And now as much as I want to spend time with them, I'm torn between my mother's authority and my will to fight for these friends of mine. Kaya now, I feel that I should just trust God and hope that things get better.
Parang papel yan. If I open my hand, it's gonna fly off and someone else is gonna find it. If I grip it too hard, it's gonna get crumpled.
So the best thing to do, alalay lang sa hawak.^^
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