Lashing Out Against The Wannabe
The Words Unsaid
I woke up again and again at around four to five this morning from dreams tinted with gray...disappointments of not so long ago. I wish I'm saying this as a metaphor, but it's more than that. When I dream, it's always full of color, but at this rare instance...it's all shaded gray.
I dreamt that I was back in my old school where I had spent four years of my college life. It should not have been so much to think of, except that I kept seeing that person I've been trying to put aside in my thoughts and in my life. It hurt to see him happy and daring me to say something. It seemed so real then...I felt sad as I pretended not to care, walking away from him. But it tore me apart to think how he could be so comfortable with hurting me...breaking me... I gave him no less than the best that I've got, and yet...
When I woke up at around 530 in the morning, mixed thoughts churned through my system...my every nerve initially wanted to scream ENOUGH! and push the black-handled kitchen knife deep into my chambers and up over my carotid arteries to conclude it all. The emotions were raw enough then to drive me that mad... But then as I took the time to breathe and calm myself down in the silence of my room at the break of dawn...I found my senses. I decided to get my Bible and journal, propped these heavy things on my 17 year-old mattress like my weighing heart and got down to writing. In my loose thoughts (and screws), I began to write with my more friendly .3 G-tech...
"Unwell-
Lord, I woke up from a dream of him again. When does it stop? I feel tortured...mentally and emotionally drained with these momentary glimpses of my past that so degrades and hurts me all the more. I know it's all the consequence of disobedience...I am praying for your wisdom and mercy that may get through this alive. There are still times that I want to end this in a shortcut. But I know that's another idea that's apart from your will. So I won't. God, give me strength to withstand the odds. You're mighty and I'm in need of that might. Nahihirapan pa rin ako. I want to forget...but how? I want to trust you to resolve everything..."
After some more intimate and intense God-talks, I paused to read:
(Extracted from Proverbs 1):
(1:7) The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
(1:19) Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it.
This made me really sad-
(1:23-28) If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock you when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me.
Naisip ko lang...maybe 2 factors which contributed to the generation of this dream is that I haven't been keeping my guard up and nourishing myself with the Word. Kulang ang supply, kaya dapat dagdagan. Also, I was disappointed over someone whom I was counting on to reply through text, but then didn't come through...made me feel that perhaps they're all the same and that he's no different. Or maybe he didn't receive my text, was too busy in wooing his woman, or maybe work, or watching that movie...I don't know...*shrug*
Before I knew it, I fell asleep again, just as the sky was turning to a cool shade of blue...
11/29/09
If letting go of my hold
is your one heart's means
To embrace true happiness
beyond what is,
Then who am I
to deny you the chance?
All the choice is yours-
as my love is- in this dance:
Kindled by a wish to still hold fast,
Empowered by the will to part at last,
...
Still I know I'll let go in the final song
Then in my dreams and tomorrow, you'll be gone, so long...
Run free, my heart, my love, my soul.
Unfurl your being that yearns to be whole,
Endear your reality to the fullness of your bidding,
Lose yourself in aspiration...and if you must...
Lose me.
Over mirthful times and glorious heights,
Veil the love that's meant to let you be...
Everything you want...
...yes, you are free.
is your one heart's means
To embrace true happiness
beyond what is,
Then who am I
to deny you the chance?
All the choice is yours-
as my love is- in this dance:
Kindled by a wish to still hold fast,
Empowered by the will to part at last,
...
Still I know I'll let go in the final song
Then in my dreams and tomorrow, you'll be gone, so long...
Run free, my heart, my love, my soul.
Unfurl your being that yearns to be whole,
Endear your reality to the fullness of your bidding,
Lose yourself in aspiration...and if you must...
Lose me.
Over mirthful times and glorious heights,
Veil the love that's meant to let you be...
Everything you want...
...yes, you are free.
Lord, we need to talk...
(11.30.09)
Lord, I just need to talk with you. See, I have this problem I can't seem to get out of my head. It seems like I'm handling it solo again as before...but I don't want that, knowing I'm really nothing without you. So what do I do? You know more than anyone how my heart's been badly broken this month...and though in reality it's just a month, to me it's like a decade of suffering. I know about bearing the consequences of following my own folly and just getting up past the torture...but you know how this feels like more than I can bear, and I don't know why...even after having said, "I'm over it!" like twice or thrice I think...I never really do. I need you Lord to reveal to me...am I faking it? Do I not draw strength from you? I want to, my only chance to recover is you...I know you have every right to punish me for all that I've done...but even as a God of just anger, you are, as much, a God of mercy and forgiveness. Lord, I have asked for your forgiveness on this matter...I am asking for you forgiveness again if I have hidden faults I have not surrendered. I am sorry Lord...I want to stop hurting day by day...am I pushing you away in the process? Maybe to harden myself...I don't know. So let me know.
Lord, I just need to talk with you. See, I have this problem I can't seem to get out of my head. It seems like I'm handling it solo again as before...but I don't want that, knowing I'm really nothing without you. So what do I do? You know more than anyone how my heart's been badly broken this month...and though in reality it's just a month, to me it's like a decade of suffering. I know about bearing the consequences of following my own folly and just getting up past the torture...but you know how this feels like more than I can bear, and I don't know why...even after having said, "I'm over it!" like twice or thrice I think...I never really do. I need you Lord to reveal to me...am I faking it? Do I not draw strength from you? I want to, my only chance to recover is you...I know you have every right to punish me for all that I've done...but even as a God of just anger, you are, as much, a God of mercy and forgiveness. Lord, I have asked for your forgiveness on this matter...I am asking for you forgiveness again if I have hidden faults I have not surrendered. I am sorry Lord...I want to stop hurting day by day...am I pushing you away in the process? Maybe to harden myself...I don't know. So let me know.
Torments of the young adult
I think I'm losing it.
Anyway, I'm just going to keep quiet and read some...
I wish I can just erase my mistakes with a series of burning hoop shots. Or maybe three servings of Jollibee palabok. Or maybe ten dance sessions at the arcades. Or a limitless set of bouts in Tekken 6. Or if I'm going my usual way, I'd be snoring under a book by Philip Yancey again. Hahaha. Hay. *muses*
Have any of you felt that way, na sana you could have done it differently...better...correctly? I'm sure I'm not the first person in history to think this way...hindi na bago ito sa talaan ng kasaysayan ng emosyon...but it just feels terrible when you're in the mess of things.
Figures. Regrets are eating away at my present state and I hate it. It's all my fault- and yes, I'm taking the blame like a man. Yet I'm partly wishing that God would take me so the torments of my past would stop taking over my mind...but then, that's not gonna work now. Hahaha.
Off to bed. Hoping to do voluntary work tomorrow. Hoping to realize that despair isn't the best present option...
Whoever reads this (in blogger or multiply), remember dear friend that however things go, only God can hold you so tightly with a hundred percent willpower and will never let you go. So stay in his hold, stay happy and always remember that you are loved by the best. And I love you too.
Boat rides, water shortage and crowds shouting help
Yesterday I as looking ahead at a day of volunteering with my friends in Red Cross, National Chapter. Nothing special, just a program somewhere around to help and we're done. But when I came in at 7 (I was an hour early), I was greeted with a big surprise as I casually asked one of the seniors there, Ma'am Mimi:
"So saan po tayo today?"
"Ah, sa Rizal."
Huwaaat?! Oookay... as I know, so far I haven't been there. But Rizal...I wasn't informed that we were actually going to do an outreach to a flooded area there... that rubber shoes *looked down at my cool white-and-yellow fila rubbers* were not recommended, baby oil is a must-have, and we needed extra clothes and slippers. I only brought my knapsack bag filled with 2 Yancey books (just in case I get bored on a pause), my black G-tech pen (which never came back to me), hanky (as reminded often by Aldrin), and some cash.
And to their estimate, mga 7-9 ang uwi time. Ah, just great- actually I meant that both ways. I felt excited with the experience of real-life volunteering for victims of Ondoy, bringing them hygiene kits...but I was anxious with my mother not knowing. Well, I didn't know until I came in for the job! Sue me then! (But hopefully she wouldn't pry so much...during and after the trip, so...)
We moved out at ten am, came in at around 12 noon. I was surprised with the looks of our way...marami pa ring water doon sa dinaanan namin. Akala ko yun na. Yun pala, tatawid pa pala kami ng Pasig River in order to get to another side of Rizal (sa Napindan) doon sa isang vicinity na hindi pa nabibigyan ng relief goods.
First we were oriented informally by the local officials on what to expect. Sabi lulusong daw kami sa tubig baha, ranging from waist-deep to chest-deep (o di ba ang taray, hehehe). We put on baby oil on our legs to close the pores and protect ourselves from the effects of wading in the water (fungal infections, drying, etc.). We fixed ourselves- binaba lahat ng gamit, no cellphones kasi baka mabasa lang, nagtali ako buhok and then rolled up na ang black 3/4 pants. May isa nga sa min, si Billy, nagtanggal ng pants- bale boxers lang, para hindi mabasa, hehehe kulit. Natuwa nga ako sa kanya kasi nag-offer siyang magpadamay ng mga cellphones and stuff just in case we really wanted to carry some, kasi siya rin mismo parang gusto magdala for pictures e di might as well dadalhin niya na din yung amin- kaso at the last minute di na rin siya sure, so iwan talaga lahat.
Nagpanic mode ako when I thought of the possible scenario pag nabasa ako. Malalaman ng nanay ko, hay tapos away na naman at badshot na naman sa kanya lalo itong trabaho ko. So I looked for a pair of pants I coudl somehow purchase sa mga stores dun. Sa karinderia nagbebenta ng long pants for kids. May isang xl na panglalaki. Eh tinry ko, desperado eh...kumasya sa kin comfortably as a 3/4 pair of pants, hahahahaha yey, so sugod pa rin ako., I was given the option to choose to go to the other side or not, but of course, I wanted to go help, so it was a doubtless yes.
Shortly dumating yung truck ng RC Rizal Chapter with the relief goods. That was when I slowly got the real picture. We were not there just for health teachings and hygiene awareness. We were participating in a collaborative relief operations for victims of Ondoy.
So pinaglunch kami sa karinderia. I was rather uncomfy eating kasi madumi yung spoon, which I washed sa lababo nila...and yung manok ng kaldereta may dugo pang nag-ooze, yung kanin medyo hilaw pa (minadali kasi), but then still I ate about 3 spoons max (with a passive expression) as a respectful gesture and thanked the resident cook for her hospitable efforts. I drank water from our own stock.
Then time to go work. The first task was to load the relief goods in the boats. Nagrelay mode kami, pila from the truck to the dock and pass goods. Nasa near end ako ng dock. So ayun, pasa ng bigas, damit, canned goods, noodles...yung iba galing ng abscbn sagip-kapamilya. Then at around 2 pinasakay ako sa boat to go to the other side. I was supposed to do health teachings, kaso pagland ko sa other side (on top of a roof, so hindi pala kami lulusong, hehehe yey), I found that the people were falling in line a la wowowee sa gulo at haba. They were very noisy and wanted to get their relief goods. Siyempre ang hirap maglecture.
So hindi na, tumulong na lang ako mag-unload ng bottled mineral water (in gallons, small bottles...), clothes, slippers and biscuits. May crowd control pa sa super gulo...kaso grabe may mga nagccut pa rin ng line na nahuli naman, hahahay. Some checked the locals and gave them numbers to ensure that they really belonged to the place (with signatures pa kasi mahirap na). We were watching the locals who were helping us din, kasi may mga nag-aattempt magnakaw (meron!)... at meron ngang nagbukas ng goods na hindi naman kanila. Hay.
Umambon-ambon, but I prayed to God na wag munang magpaulan, so other than a fine shower or two, oks kami...thank God talaga. 5pm na nung naipamigay lahat. Yung hygiene kits, 105 napamigay...nahiya ako kasi mali pala bilang namin, dapat 100 lang bibigay doon. 3 trips ang plan for all of us to get back sa kabilang side. I rode the last trip...so nalamigan ako at naambunan pa sa ibabaw ng bubungan bago nakabalik. Todo wash ako, alcohol and change of pants before we left the place.
On the way we made a stop at one house owned by a redcrosser, then nagsalu-salo kami sa Andoks litson-manok at bangus na may lamang sibuyas at kamatis. Enjoy naman kaso naparami ako ng coke after the meal so ang sakit ng tiyan ko. Hahaha. Kinabahan na ko dun pa lang kasi 730 na at nasa Rizal pa rin ako. Eh siyempre pano ko naman sila mapapamadali di ba... But then I talked to our driver, Sir Firstestone, who is more than what he seems.
On the way home, dahil nasa front seat ako, I told him that I was feeling anxious kasi dapat ako makarating ng uste ng around 9 para makasabay kay sahia at hindi magalit si mama. Later he offered to drop me sa Espana corner Lacson (much to my surprise). And I was given ample time to rest, change back to my rubber shoes and eat 4 pugo eggs on the sidewalk along McDo before I rode home with my bros. Thank God talaga for that help.
And thus my adventure. Grabeng pagod at consciousness sa germs, but then it was a great adventure. I met new interesting people. Dun naman sa pinuntahan namin, the officers there told us later that the people were so excited and some were crying kasi hindi pa nga daw sila nakakatanggap ng tulong. Walang kuryente rin to this day since Sept 26 pa, and yung water sa December pa daw totally mawawala. Grabe talaga yun. At kulang ang potable water na pinamigay namin...dapat sana per family may 6 gallons man lang. Hindi lahat nakakuha.
Anyway, there'll be more of that for me in the next coming days...
One Great Love
How could I have existed so long
Going aimlessly
Been there, wasted, gone all wrong
Imprisoned in my plea
My silent plea that hopes in silence
That there's more to life than this
I guess it takes humbling Godly sense
To figure what I miss
Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue
Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend
How could I have been so blind
When the answers have long been there
How could I have refused to mind
Your perfect, utmost care
You guided me through my lifeless years
Waiting patiently
You took my sins, my falls, my tears
All for the love of me
Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue
Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend
Going aimlessly
Been there, wasted, gone all wrong
Imprisoned in my plea
My silent plea that hopes in silence
That there's more to life than this
I guess it takes humbling Godly sense
To figure what I miss
Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue
Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend
How could I have been so blind
When the answers have long been there
How could I have refused to mind
Your perfect, utmost care
You guided me through my lifeless years
Waiting patiently
You took my sins, my falls, my tears
All for the love of me
Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue
Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend
2 face-offs
I now know what scares me other than being thrown in a place where I know no one.
I went back to my old school to meet my SJ friends. Most of them greeted me with a friendly face. I was rather surpised when one of them- a very close friend of mine- asked for my assistance to help him cook a new recipe which he wanted to learn. Willingly I encouraged him to get on with in as I was ready to help him.
But as I asked for details on when and how I could help him...he suddenly became disinterested and soon left me without a word. I was hoping that he would come to his senses and return, but he didn't. It was as if I rejected him. But no, I really wanted to help him. Hayyy.
Later on...
I was sitting in a very small room where I sat down face-to-face with a person whom I consider dear to me. There was a single bed covered in white sheets on the right and a bathroom door behind him. Behind me was the exit door.
I was about to start talking with him when he suddenly had to excuse himself to go out. And out the door he went. While he was gone, I looked around and stealthily opened his wallet, expecting to see my picture.
My heart sank almost painfully as I found the space for pictures blank. I noticed a pile of pictures under one of the slits and in suspense started to browse them with a hand. I saw pictures of his many friends, but I could not find mine. I was feeling hurt by the moment. I did not understand how he could forget me in such a short time. I wanted to be remembered and cherished.
Just then I accidentally saw what looked like my picture well hidden in the opposite slit, but before I could check closely, my friend returned and I had to hastily rearrange the wallet.
He did not seem to notice anything. I did not bother asking him anything. As I was about to talk to him again, he excused himself to answer a call in front of me. Holding up a piece of paper with purple scribbles of computations and sitting on the floor before me, he told the caller, whom I also knew, "Pare, huwag ka nga magulo, makakasakit ka eh, hahahaha." Something like that. And he ended the call there to face me.
But before we could start discussing things, a girl with ruffled brown hair entered without knocking and went straight to the bathroom, but not before taunting him, "Matulog ka na lang kasi." Hahaha. To which he replied, "Ikaw ang matulog. Hahaha." And then another girl entered, whom I did not notice, but she also made for the bathroom and left as quickly as the first one did.
I looked at my friend, feeling hurt that he seemed to be taking me for granted with all these interruptions on my visit which was supposedly our bonding time together. I wanted to ask him a lot of questions, but the words would not come. I just sat there looking at him as he looked back with a passive expression on his face. I started to realize that I was making efforts to catch my breath as my chest started to hurt.
That's when I woke up, feeling my heart pumping fiercely against my chest. Tachycardia and tachypnea accompanied by substernal pain. I forced myself to breathe and regain full consciousness at once, for fear that I might have a heart attack if the stressful feeling of pain goes on.
Thus the fear of being...taken for granted..? Hehehe. I prayed for ease of physical symptoms and comfort of divine answers before I quickly composed this entry. I guess the Lord is presenting to me the challenge of putting my confidence in him and for my happiness to depend on him and his wonderful character and promises.
Well who wants to be forgotten anyway?^^ Hmmm...I ought to have more faith in the Love that will never leave me. Good morning!
I went back to my old school to meet my SJ friends. Most of them greeted me with a friendly face. I was rather surpised when one of them- a very close friend of mine- asked for my assistance to help him cook a new recipe which he wanted to learn. Willingly I encouraged him to get on with in as I was ready to help him.
But as I asked for details on when and how I could help him...he suddenly became disinterested and soon left me without a word. I was hoping that he would come to his senses and return, but he didn't. It was as if I rejected him. But no, I really wanted to help him. Hayyy.
Later on...
I was sitting in a very small room where I sat down face-to-face with a person whom I consider dear to me. There was a single bed covered in white sheets on the right and a bathroom door behind him. Behind me was the exit door.
I was about to start talking with him when he suddenly had to excuse himself to go out. And out the door he went. While he was gone, I looked around and stealthily opened his wallet, expecting to see my picture.
My heart sank almost painfully as I found the space for pictures blank. I noticed a pile of pictures under one of the slits and in suspense started to browse them with a hand. I saw pictures of his many friends, but I could not find mine. I was feeling hurt by the moment. I did not understand how he could forget me in such a short time. I wanted to be remembered and cherished.
Just then I accidentally saw what looked like my picture well hidden in the opposite slit, but before I could check closely, my friend returned and I had to hastily rearrange the wallet.
He did not seem to notice anything. I did not bother asking him anything. As I was about to talk to him again, he excused himself to answer a call in front of me. Holding up a piece of paper with purple scribbles of computations and sitting on the floor before me, he told the caller, whom I also knew, "Pare, huwag ka nga magulo, makakasakit ka eh, hahahaha." Something like that. And he ended the call there to face me.
But before we could start discussing things, a girl with ruffled brown hair entered without knocking and went straight to the bathroom, but not before taunting him, "Matulog ka na lang kasi." Hahaha. To which he replied, "Ikaw ang matulog. Hahaha." And then another girl entered, whom I did not notice, but she also made for the bathroom and left as quickly as the first one did.
I looked at my friend, feeling hurt that he seemed to be taking me for granted with all these interruptions on my visit which was supposedly our bonding time together. I wanted to ask him a lot of questions, but the words would not come. I just sat there looking at him as he looked back with a passive expression on his face. I started to realize that I was making efforts to catch my breath as my chest started to hurt.
That's when I woke up, feeling my heart pumping fiercely against my chest. Tachycardia and tachypnea accompanied by substernal pain. I forced myself to breathe and regain full consciousness at once, for fear that I might have a heart attack if the stressful feeling of pain goes on.
Thus the fear of being...taken for granted..? Hehehe. I prayed for ease of physical symptoms and comfort of divine answers before I quickly composed this entry. I guess the Lord is presenting to me the challenge of putting my confidence in him and for my happiness to depend on him and his wonderful character and promises.
Well who wants to be forgotten anyway?^^ Hmmm...I ought to have more faith in the Love that will never leave me. Good morning!
A memoir I will keep forever
Standing here, in Your presence
Thinking of the good things You have done
Waiting here, patiently
Just to hear Your still small voice again
Holy, righteous, faithful to the end
Savior, healer, redeemer and friend
I will worship You for who You are
I will worship You for who You are
I will worship You for who You are Jesus
My soul secure, Your promise sure
Your love endures always
My soul secure, Your promise sure
Your love endures always
My soul secure, Your promise sure
Your love endures always
Somnolent detachment
(I'm guilty of this...hehehe)
I flip through a book in the afternoon
The soft yellow rays shining in my room
I stretch like a lazy cat on my bed
Knowing past my reading what I'd be doing instead
Line after line, my eyes move in time
With the hum of the fan, playing like a rhyme
While processing the book content, feeling rested
My wakeful guard slips away, spinning my head
I fight the yearning of my eyelids feeling heavy
Urging them to read on despite losing quickly
Line after line and page after page
Blurs into nothing in my clouded cage
I flip through more slowly, my consciousness ebbing
Struggling through the hum of a lullaby fading
Losing clear sight of the faint yellow lighting
And in one final moment, losing grip and falling
Willfully giving in to my somnolent need
The defensive comforts of reality's deed
Making my escapade from the realm of grims
Surrendering into the loving snare of timeless dreams
...
I flip through a book in the afternoon
The soft yellow rays shining in my room
I stretch like a lazy cat on my bed
Knowing past my reading what I'd be doing instead
Line after line, my eyes move in time
With the hum of the fan, playing like a rhyme
While processing the book content, feeling rested
My wakeful guard slips away, spinning my head
I fight the yearning of my eyelids feeling heavy
Urging them to read on despite losing quickly
Line after line and page after page
Blurs into nothing in my clouded cage
I flip through more slowly, my consciousness ebbing
Struggling through the hum of a lullaby fading
Losing clear sight of the faint yellow lighting
And in one final moment, losing grip and falling
Willfully giving in to my somnolent need
The defensive comforts of reality's deed
Making my escapade from the realm of grims
Surrendering into the loving snare of timeless dreams
...
When God tells me to wait
I hate waiting. It's part of my impatient nature. I am a person who is constantly on the go, wanting to fast-forward things, sometimes forgetting to enjoy the moment while concerning myself with moving forward.
But God is the boss of this cosmic show. And as the one who knows best around here, I ought to let him call the shots and take my cues from him. This is where the conflict comes in. My nature struggles against the restraint of steady faith and sure trust in the one whom we are always sure of.
One of my worst nightmares in this little lifetime is being domestic...stuck in a rut of tending the home, doing chores, washing dishes and delighting myself on a pile of laundry that never seems to disappear. Rest would include cooking, siesta and watching noontime shows and tear-jerker never-ending soaps. Well I can live alone and maintain my house, as long as I don't have to do solely those things. I want to be working outside the house too. Being stuck in a domestic routine burns me out more than any repetitive activity. Which is why I think I'm going to be a terrible mother. Hahaha.
Unfortunately in my condition now, especially with my career, God is telling me to put brakes on my impatience and wait on him.
What?! In denial, I haggle with him...though I know how futile this is... I'm 22, postgrad, a lot of life and opportunity ahead of me, licensed RN, lots of energy to spend on caring for patients and getting the much-awaited real-life action outside these walls...come on...when do you want me to begin, at thirty??!
But no. God wants me to wait.
I ask why...I told him I'll be waiting for his answer.
And I still don't get why I'm waiting.
After going round and round with rationalizing the incomprehensible, I just go back to the same (and only) clear reply I have for now: Trust God.
Grrr. Grrr. Venting my frustrations over unwashed dishes and the thawing batch of chicken wings that I'll have to cook for dinner, I fume over how I hate black holes in reasoning. But then fine, what other logical choice do I have but to wait on the Lord? I sense in such case how I am like a toddler, thrashing rebelliously on the lap of a parent who sees things better and saying NO and WAIT.
So fine, I will. Aaaa. This better be worth it, Lord.
...
Ah, what am I saying...this IS certainly worth it.
Wishful thinking
I wish I knew what it took for me...
To make you stay smiling with me through the rain.
Ranting in the wee hours of the morn
It's 12:41 in the morning and I'm still awake. Just finished watching a movie and playing some facebook games. That's bumming to me... Well I deserve it I think, after doing my chores. Too bad it suddenly rained hard...I was hoping for the sun to dry my freshly washed clothes...*shrug*
Right now I'm just in a reflective mood. I have a lot of options open before me, but which road to take... Somehow I want to be careful with how I move, since as much as possible I wouldn't want to do anything that is not accordance to God's will. I don't want to pursue something just because I want to or just because my mother said so...I want to make sure that God approves of it, then I'll take it.
Hmm...makes me think about when I've stopped wanting to live primarily for myself...and when I started to realize that my joy can only be full through living for the Lord. Well, it's a good step...and what mercy I got despite me being me then- the skeptic Roman Catholic logician with a lot of attitude problem...it makes me laugh now... Not saying that I don't have problems with my attitude because I know I have a LOT of room for improvement...but I am thankful to God that...well, looking back now...much has positively changed...
And I know that's all that matters...running the race towards God...to the day we meet...
About a month ago I wanted to speed up the process of facing him. I was asking Him for that. Yes, morbid for people who see death conversations as taboo- which means most people, hehehe... But then I realized the necessity of living for His purpose. Yes, accepting Christ can make one rightfully say, "Now I can die happy," but it does not excuse one from living on, enduring suffering in His name to the day He says, "It's time."
So enough of that "Lord, let's meet now," and on with life...
Life...
Currently I'm just a fresh grad thinking about my college life, my dreams, my next steps... I'm using foresight to weight my available options...but even that kind of outlook won't suffice because let's face it, lots can happen, anything is possible and only God can really tell. Talk about telling...suddenly I'm thinking about Him and what He'd do to me if He's to sit in front of me now and play facebook games over servings of coffee crumble ice cream 'til dawn...ohh that'd be such fun...
Or maybe not because He'd be asking me why I haven't been listening to Him...tsktsk...
God...well, funny that I had a habit of saying I hate Him...but then never really meant it because I know he's all that's sure to me. After all, I've never been really sure about my friends, my career, my parents, much less myself...it's only God that I have always strongly believed in. My true best friend who always knew how to be funny, perfect...I know He's quite the comedian, unleashing His creative antics over the lives of lousy screwed-up human beings who just...well, screw up some more...creative indeed- but nevertheless wise...
Yeas, the author of love also happens to be the author of wisdom. After all, who can own up to wisdom if not for He who provides it by request? Hahaha.
What am I saying...well, I need to stock up on that more than ever, I believe. Moving forward past my college life does not permit me to crack up and mess up my life even more. Moving forward entails a greater responsibility for me to avoid slipping and falling facedown- either on purpose or not. And the best way I can make less errors is to be wise only through God's provision of...yes, wisdom.
I think that with all my options now, this is the most important factor. Wisdom that comes from God is first of all, pure...
Okay, headache now...I think I need to rest. My wisdom tooth at the lower left end of my gums is coming out, so it's been quite a pain for 2 days now...and for 2 days I've had sore eyes...so there, need to rest up...
Hmm...funny how I can have such a knack for infection... Hahaha. Just need to power up the immune system and rest... And my devotions- I need to talk with God...I'm gasping for lack of it...
Nursing Nostalgia
Anong size ng gloves mo?
Size 6.5
First ward na pinagdutihan mo?
Sta Catalina
First case mo sa OR?
Kidney transplant
Favorite nursing procedure mo?
Bedmaking, kasi easy siya and it's usually the time when I
subtly assess and establish rapport with the patient and the
relatives
Pinaka-hate mong nursing procedure?
Suctioning. You see the suffering and fury of the patient
more than ever. Sobrang naaawa tlg ako, kasi naiisip ko, eh
kung ako kaya ang ganunin...di ba...pero kailangan...hayy...
Saang procedure ka nahihirapan?
I think that'd be anything involving needles kasi I have some
sort of phobia pa rin- I gotta get used to seeing the needle
before going to the patient.
Namatayan ka na ba ng patient?
Yes, twice.
Nakapag post mortem care ka na ba?
Yeap.
Favorite area/ward mo?
Del Carmen Ward, kasi dun ako maraming natutunan at
dun din ako nagka-night shifts.
Pinaka-hate mong area/ward?
Female surgery ward, because it gave me such bad
memories.
Favorite CI mo?
Ma'am Sevilla, kasi for me she's very balanced and she
really motivated me to learn a lot.
Eh sino naman pinakaayaw mong C.I?
Ahahaha. Yung nameet ko sa female surgery ward. Yun na
yon. Grabeng torture...I think that's one memorable time in
my college life that I wanted to just snap.
Bakit ka nga pala nag nursing?
Sabi ni mama. Hahaha.
Enjoy ka naman sa nursing?
Yes. Reasons: 1) I was able to help my patients. (praise
God!) 2) I met 4-10 and RLE 2. 3) I was able to learn a lot.
4) I learned how to be sociable. 5) Here's how I met my
Christian friends.
Maaga ka bang pumapasok?
Naw. Hahaha.
Madalas ka ba sa library?
Yes. 2 reasons: Biblio and case pres. But earlier in my
college life I spent my time hiding out there when I felt
lonely...often reading journals and blogging until 6pm.
Favorite nursing subject mo
MS!!!
Pinaka-hate mong nursing subject?
Pharma!!! Aaaaaaaa Pahamak talaga yan!
May ibinagsak ka na bang subjects?
Wla. Ay teka, sabit ako sa PE! Kasi hindi ko talaga mapalo
yung volleyball nung exam! Talk about a major screwup!
Hahahaha! 2.95 final grade ko dun...grabe talaga yun,
hahahaha!
Madalas ka bang umabsent?
Nawp. Hmm...I think yung isang time talaga...I DID absent
myself from duty one time to finish copying down a
pathophy on manila paper and get a bit of sleep...
nakakatawa na lang siya when I think about it. And then as
an excuse, dapat may 'script' na kong hinanda with the help
of my rle mates para makalusot, pero pagdating ni mam
chua at tinanong ako, I just blurted out that i overslept.
*gasp* What a shame... Yahahahahaha.
Kamusta naman ang capping at pinning ceremony mo?
It's just a blur. The oathtaking part...now that's quite a day...
Ano ang favorite mong nursing diagnosis?
Knowledge deficit: blah
Bakit naman?
I am keen on educating patients...and thus be able to
empower them...naks!
Size 6.5
First ward na pinagdutihan mo?
Sta Catalina
First case mo sa OR?
Kidney transplant
Favorite nursing procedure mo?
Bedmaking, kasi easy siya and it's usually the time when I
subtly assess and establish rapport with the patient and the
relatives
Pinaka-hate mong nursing procedure?
Suctioning. You see the suffering and fury of the patient
more than ever. Sobrang naaawa tlg ako, kasi naiisip ko, eh
kung ako kaya ang ganunin...di ba...pero kailangan...hayy...
Saang procedure ka nahihirapan?
I think that'd be anything involving needles kasi I have some
sort of phobia pa rin- I gotta get used to seeing the needle
before going to the patient.
Namatayan ka na ba ng patient?
Yes, twice.
Nakapag post mortem care ka na ba?
Yeap.
Favorite area/ward mo?
Del Carmen Ward, kasi dun ako maraming natutunan at
dun din ako nagka-night shifts.
Pinaka-hate mong area/ward?
Female surgery ward, because it gave me such bad
memories.
Favorite CI mo?
Ma'am Sevilla, kasi for me she's very balanced and she
really motivated me to learn a lot.
Eh sino naman pinakaayaw mong C.I?
Ahahaha. Yung nameet ko sa female surgery ward. Yun na
yon. Grabeng torture...I think that's one memorable time in
my college life that I wanted to just snap.
Bakit ka nga pala nag nursing?
Sabi ni mama. Hahaha.
Enjoy ka naman sa nursing?
Yes. Reasons: 1) I was able to help my patients. (praise
God!) 2) I met 4-10 and RLE 2. 3) I was able to learn a lot.
4) I learned how to be sociable. 5) Here's how I met my
Christian friends.
Maaga ka bang pumapasok?
Naw. Hahaha.
Madalas ka ba sa library?
Yes. 2 reasons: Biblio and case pres. But earlier in my
college life I spent my time hiding out there when I felt
lonely...often reading journals and blogging until 6pm.
Favorite nursing subject mo
MS!!!
Pinaka-hate mong nursing subject?
Pharma!!! Aaaaaaaa Pahamak talaga yan!
May ibinagsak ka na bang subjects?
Wla. Ay teka, sabit ako sa PE! Kasi hindi ko talaga mapalo
yung volleyball nung exam! Talk about a major screwup!
Hahahaha! 2.95 final grade ko dun...grabe talaga yun,
hahahaha!
Madalas ka bang umabsent?
Nawp. Hmm...I think yung isang time talaga...I DID absent
myself from duty one time to finish copying down a
pathophy on manila paper and get a bit of sleep...
nakakatawa na lang siya when I think about it. And then as
an excuse, dapat may 'script' na kong hinanda with the help
of my rle mates para makalusot, pero pagdating ni mam
chua at tinanong ako, I just blurted out that i overslept.
*gasp* What a shame... Yahahahahaha.
Kamusta naman ang capping at pinning ceremony mo?
It's just a blur. The oathtaking part...now that's quite a day...
Ano ang favorite mong nursing diagnosis?
Knowledge deficit: blah
Bakit naman?
I am keen on educating patients...and thus be able to
empower them...naks!
Living trees, night strolls and a lonely soul
I intentionally did not post this anywhere else because it's rather personal. Well, as I can sense it, today I am having my typical unhappy tantrum. I'm just not in my element today.
It all started with a dream.
I was in this large clearing. The crisp smell of fresh night air hung out there like the black blanket of sky over me and many other kids my age who all decided to go for a stroll. With the moon up, it was a perfect night setting.
Or so I thought.
I was starting to walk randomly, relax and get comfortable with my surroundings, until I remembered this man whom I deeply love (in real life). I realized I didn't know where he was then. And I started to ask around on his whereabouts, like he was supposed to be there to share the stroll with me. Nobody seemed to know or care where he was then.
Suddenly, two guys in jackets came out of nowhere and strode on both sides of me. I recognized them in the dream as two of my lover's friends (though in real life I know I haven't met them). Holding me on the shoulders, they dared me:
"You really want to know where he is?"
I said, eagerly, "Yes, please. Where is he?"
"Well..." I sensed a moment of hesitation in him as he shifted his eyes to the ground. "Are you really sure about this?"
"Well of course."
And they looked at each other meaningfully, like they knew something that I didn't.
Slowly, a familiar feeling of intense pain and betrayal crept within me as I thought of the worst. And as a common defense mechanism I've been accustomed to use, I put on some emotional steel and simply said:
"Oh that's fine...he's always been like that. So where is he and who's he with?"
"Aw Anni...not that we mean to hurt you...but he's been spending time with...them."
"What?"
And then we followed a trail up...and saw this really huge tree with very big and lengthy branches. Since it was blocking our way, I thought I'd have to make it through without a problem by walking under the tangle of branches and shrubbery.
But then when I touched one of its main branches, it moved...and gave me a menacing look. It was alive!!!
"Be careful, let's go!" one of my companions shouted as I evaded its branches that were flailing at me.
After going past the living tree by going through a longer way, we managed to find our way on top of a hill. There, looking from above, I saw dearest hanging around with a lot of other people...and two skimpily-clad girls on either side. And he had his arms on their waists.
My companions were silent as I crouched on my place and took in the awful scene before me. And then after a while, I stood up and dusted myself. They were saying sorry, but it's not their fault right, so I ignored them and walked away, feeling so sad and pained.
...
And after a long turmoil of dreams...that's when I woke up with the sun shining through my windows. Of course I was very thankful that it was all in a dream...but then my emotions were dampened because although the events were not totally real, my feelings there were...
It made me think about life...and the many times that I felt insignificant and out of place...unwanted, ugly...useless, second best...talentless, tanga, walang utak... It made me think about the life that I want for myself, but just can't seem to live it for myself because of the many hindrances and obligations... It made me think about the many times that I needed to gather up my emotions, go to my room and start spilling an ocean of sorrow under my pillow. It made me recall the rejection and the hurt that I've encountered despite giving my best shot at something...or someone. It made me think about how sad it is that at age 22, I feel like I haven't even moved a pebble at all, much less a mountain...and everyone seems to be leaving me behind...and that just made me want to quit life.
I wish life were like work...so that if it didn't work out for you, you could just get it over with and quit. (And right now as I'm typing this, the fresh wave of hurt is coming in and I'm trying to stop the tears because I'm a big girl, crying's not expected in this house, and this isn't the way a Christian should be behaving.)
But then that's not the case right...
...I don't even know how to end this entry in a positive note, so I won't make up one.
...
All I know is, my Boss is watching. And I trust him to give me a sound answer...much, much better than what I- or anyone else in the world for that matter- can come up with.
It all started with a dream.
I was in this large clearing. The crisp smell of fresh night air hung out there like the black blanket of sky over me and many other kids my age who all decided to go for a stroll. With the moon up, it was a perfect night setting.
Or so I thought.
I was starting to walk randomly, relax and get comfortable with my surroundings, until I remembered this man whom I deeply love (in real life). I realized I didn't know where he was then. And I started to ask around on his whereabouts, like he was supposed to be there to share the stroll with me. Nobody seemed to know or care where he was then.
Suddenly, two guys in jackets came out of nowhere and strode on both sides of me. I recognized them in the dream as two of my lover's friends (though in real life I know I haven't met them). Holding me on the shoulders, they dared me:
"You really want to know where he is?"
I said, eagerly, "Yes, please. Where is he?"
"Well..." I sensed a moment of hesitation in him as he shifted his eyes to the ground. "Are you really sure about this?"
"Well of course."
And they looked at each other meaningfully, like they knew something that I didn't.
Slowly, a familiar feeling of intense pain and betrayal crept within me as I thought of the worst. And as a common defense mechanism I've been accustomed to use, I put on some emotional steel and simply said:
"Oh that's fine...he's always been like that. So where is he and who's he with?"
"Aw Anni...not that we mean to hurt you...but he's been spending time with...them."
"What?"
And then we followed a trail up...and saw this really huge tree with very big and lengthy branches. Since it was blocking our way, I thought I'd have to make it through without a problem by walking under the tangle of branches and shrubbery.
But then when I touched one of its main branches, it moved...and gave me a menacing look. It was alive!!!
"Be careful, let's go!" one of my companions shouted as I evaded its branches that were flailing at me.
After going past the living tree by going through a longer way, we managed to find our way on top of a hill. There, looking from above, I saw dearest hanging around with a lot of other people...and two skimpily-clad girls on either side. And he had his arms on their waists.
My companions were silent as I crouched on my place and took in the awful scene before me. And then after a while, I stood up and dusted myself. They were saying sorry, but it's not their fault right, so I ignored them and walked away, feeling so sad and pained.
...
And after a long turmoil of dreams...that's when I woke up with the sun shining through my windows. Of course I was very thankful that it was all in a dream...but then my emotions were dampened because although the events were not totally real, my feelings there were...
It made me think about life...and the many times that I felt insignificant and out of place...unwanted, ugly...useless, second best...talentless, tanga, walang utak... It made me think about the life that I want for myself, but just can't seem to live it for myself because of the many hindrances and obligations... It made me think about the many times that I needed to gather up my emotions, go to my room and start spilling an ocean of sorrow under my pillow. It made me recall the rejection and the hurt that I've encountered despite giving my best shot at something...or someone. It made me think about how sad it is that at age 22, I feel like I haven't even moved a pebble at all, much less a mountain...and everyone seems to be leaving me behind...and that just made me want to quit life.
I wish life were like work...so that if it didn't work out for you, you could just get it over with and quit. (And right now as I'm typing this, the fresh wave of hurt is coming in and I'm trying to stop the tears because I'm a big girl, crying's not expected in this house, and this isn't the way a Christian should be behaving.)
But then that's not the case right...
...I don't even know how to end this entry in a positive note, so I won't make up one.
...
All I know is, my Boss is watching. And I trust him to give me a sound answer...much, much better than what I- or anyone else in the world for that matter- can come up with.
The Rain
(Influenced by the rainy night)
Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more
But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...
To the rain clouds:
Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.
Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.
Hahahaha!
Enough of the emo-rainess.
Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more
But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...
To the rain clouds:
Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.
Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.
Hahahaha!
Enough of the emo-rainess.
How to eat a chocolate bar
I was watching a movie just a few hours ago and then one of the guys say, "There are many ways to eat a chocolate bar..."
That captured me. Yeah, there are many ways to eat a chocolate bar...like say, kitkat. You can tear off the wax paper and foil savagely and just bite off diagonally like a starving kid. Or maybe just slowly lift a corner of the foil and nibble gracefully. Or be conventional and do it as shown on tv, the slide n' snap method that they always feature as a recommendation. Or just be the choco rebel and snap it the opposite way before putting the finger pieces in your mouth. Or even be such a scrutinizing slowpoke and bite off all the chocolate coating before devouring the wafer inside. Like I usually prefer to. Hehehe.
Yeas, there's lots of ways to consume that yummy kitkat bar. And really, it doesn't take five seconds to go by our method of choice.
Then what's with this fuss about a chocolate bar?
Applying that to myself in a more profound way, I can say that life is like that kitkat bar. There are various ways on how to invest on life. But unlike chocolate, which we can purchase more than once, we only have one shot in life. And we don't want to mess up with it. This is where the importance of making the right choices comes in. Every decision and every action made is a portion of our lives that we can never get back.
So if you gobble everything up at once, you get overwhelmed...and a tummy ache- which isn't really enjoyable. Look at it forever and someone may come along to take it from you. Hide it in the fridge and you might just spoil it. Munch on it too fast and it may fall on the ground, wasted with too much pressure.
So invest wisely...take it eventually...and enjoy the richness of that delightfully sweet chocolate bar.^^
That captured me. Yeah, there are many ways to eat a chocolate bar...like say, kitkat. You can tear off the wax paper and foil savagely and just bite off diagonally like a starving kid. Or maybe just slowly lift a corner of the foil and nibble gracefully. Or be conventional and do it as shown on tv, the slide n' snap method that they always feature as a recommendation. Or just be the choco rebel and snap it the opposite way before putting the finger pieces in your mouth. Or even be such a scrutinizing slowpoke and bite off all the chocolate coating before devouring the wafer inside. Like I usually prefer to. Hehehe.
Yeas, there's lots of ways to consume that yummy kitkat bar. And really, it doesn't take five seconds to go by our method of choice.
Then what's with this fuss about a chocolate bar?
Applying that to myself in a more profound way, I can say that life is like that kitkat bar. There are various ways on how to invest on life. But unlike chocolate, which we can purchase more than once, we only have one shot in life. And we don't want to mess up with it. This is where the importance of making the right choices comes in. Every decision and every action made is a portion of our lives that we can never get back.
So if you gobble everything up at once, you get overwhelmed...and a tummy ache- which isn't really enjoyable. Look at it forever and someone may come along to take it from you. Hide it in the fridge and you might just spoil it. Munch on it too fast and it may fall on the ground, wasted with too much pressure.
So invest wisely...take it eventually...and enjoy the richness of that delightfully sweet chocolate bar.^^
Current Status: Lone Bum
...
I don't know why I'm even writing this...
Maybe because I don't know what else to do at the moment. See, I'm just a good bum these days...cooking, cleaning the house, doing my laundry...that sort of thing. Other than that, I'm just lying around with books, paper and pen, the piano, TV, or facing the laptop or PC.
Ah, well...I deserve the long-awaited break...until the board results come out, I'm stuck with other things to do. Like maybe going out almost every night, watching movies, dancing in arcades, contemplating on questions without answers, texting as much as I want...
Or maybe an art class, nine sessions. Or getting my midwifery certification, if that's possible now. Or perhaps writing my book. Or how about attending an oncology seminar in Greenhills...yeah, lots of possiblities.
Somehow I feel like I just opened Pandora's box...endless possibilities, lots of chaos potential on my part. Most of the turmoil, though, is just in my head. And it's messin' up my system up there real nice.
Anni, get some sleep. The heck are you thinking again...
BTW, note for the day...I just lost 2 pounds...and that's me on a vacation. And no, I'm not on a diet.
I don't know why I'm even writing this...
Maybe because I don't know what else to do at the moment. See, I'm just a good bum these days...cooking, cleaning the house, doing my laundry...that sort of thing. Other than that, I'm just lying around with books, paper and pen, the piano, TV, or facing the laptop or PC.
Ah, well...I deserve the long-awaited break...until the board results come out, I'm stuck with other things to do. Like maybe going out almost every night, watching movies, dancing in arcades, contemplating on questions without answers, texting as much as I want...
Or maybe an art class, nine sessions. Or getting my midwifery certification, if that's possible now. Or perhaps writing my book. Or how about attending an oncology seminar in Greenhills...yeah, lots of possiblities.
Somehow I feel like I just opened Pandora's box...endless possibilities, lots of chaos potential on my part. Most of the turmoil, though, is just in my head. And it's messin' up my system up there real nice.
Anni, get some sleep. The heck are you thinking again...
BTW, note for the day...I just lost 2 pounds...and that's me on a vacation. And no, I'm not on a diet.
Falling Stars Are Pretty
I used to be a idealist
A dreamer in every sense
But in such a tale, here comes the twist
I'm stuck in the darkness of suspense
I used to think all is possible
With just a yearning, I can soar through heights
But like a star on its due date, I'm taking the fall
Burned out and fading, losing its light
Falling stars are pretty nonetheless
When they're crying and humbled at their best
When they're learning and growing through the bitterness
They glow more beautifully past the emotional mess
Falling stars can be pretty nonetheless
When they crash and burn into a million pieces
Let me now have my dazzling finale in the limelight
And tomorrow I'll have my comeback in a better light
A dreamer in every sense
But in such a tale, here comes the twist
I'm stuck in the darkness of suspense
I used to think all is possible
With just a yearning, I can soar through heights
But like a star on its due date, I'm taking the fall
Burned out and fading, losing its light
Falling stars are pretty nonetheless
When they're crying and humbled at their best
When they're learning and growing through the bitterness
They glow more beautifully past the emotional mess
Falling stars can be pretty nonetheless
When they crash and burn into a million pieces
Let me now have my dazzling finale in the limelight
And tomorrow I'll have my comeback in a better light
A Dedication...
Letting go is such a hard thing. But it's necessary for someone who loves to know how to do that. After all, loving isn't always about holding on...but letting go. Even when you can't understand through all the pain why it has to be. Even when forgiveness gets hard to the point that it seems impossible to do.
I am at the point wherein I need to face letting go. Acquaintance, friends, crushies, special friends, fafas, loves...kahit sino pa, dapat matuto tayong magpakawala...lalo na kung yun ang nakakapagbigay ng happiness sa mga taong malapit sa ating puso. (Cheesy!!!! Hahahaha!)
Sa totoo lang nahihiya ako sa pag-amin na nalulungkot ako at nasasaktan pag kailangan kong magpakawala. Bakit naman kailangan kong magtapon ng diyamante sa dagat? Nahihiya akong sabihin yan, dahil kung tutuusin, dapat nga magpasalamat ako at maraming nagmamahal sa akin. Yan ang isang mahalagang bagay na nalaman ko nitong mga huling nakaraang buwan.
Hindi lahat ng tao nahihirapang mag-isip pag tinatanong kung sino ang closest friends niya.
Hindi lahat ng tao puwedeng magtext ng 3 kampo para humingi ng free hugs.
Hindi lahat ng tao may matatawagan at makakausap ng madaling araw hanggang tumaas pa ang araw.
Hindi lahat ng tao madaling makaakbay ng kaibigan para sabihing mahal nila ito.
At hindi lahat ng tao ay nakakakilala sa natatanging Kaibigan natin na hinding hindi napapawi ang pagmamahal...naks.
Looking at the brighter side ika nga. Parang appendectomy ng isang naghihingalong pasyente. Masakit talaga. Siyempre naoperahan. Pero hindi dapat siya nakatuon at iiyak na lamang sa kirot na dulot ng operasyon. Dapat pa nga siyang magdiwang at magbuntung-hininga sa katotohanan na hahaba pa ang buhay niya.
Seeing loss as a gain, sabi sa nabasa ko.
But nevertheless...Para ito sa mga nilalang na nararamdaman kong unti-unti ko nang dapat pakawalan. Yung isa in particular na nagpadala ng video message...salamat. Alam kong hindi ka naman nakakalimot...sana nga talaga mahal mo pa ako kahit matagal na tayong hindi nag-uusap...
Dun sa isa...I'm no David Cook fan (but I do know you are, hehehe). I don't know if you will even come to read this, but just the same...I'm singing it for you.
...
Smiles, my loves...I'll find you again...
You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't you recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you
You say you're leaving
As you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Take your time I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you, I can't save you
It's something you have to do
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
...
After all, loving isn't always about holding on...but letting go...
I am at the point wherein I need to face letting go. Acquaintance, friends, crushies, special friends, fafas, loves...kahit sino pa, dapat matuto tayong magpakawala...lalo na kung yun ang nakakapagbigay ng happiness sa mga taong malapit sa ating puso. (Cheesy!!!! Hahahaha!)
Sa totoo lang nahihiya ako sa pag-amin na nalulungkot ako at nasasaktan pag kailangan kong magpakawala. Bakit naman kailangan kong magtapon ng diyamante sa dagat? Nahihiya akong sabihin yan, dahil kung tutuusin, dapat nga magpasalamat ako at maraming nagmamahal sa akin. Yan ang isang mahalagang bagay na nalaman ko nitong mga huling nakaraang buwan.
Hindi lahat ng tao nahihirapang mag-isip pag tinatanong kung sino ang closest friends niya.
Hindi lahat ng tao puwedeng magtext ng 3 kampo para humingi ng free hugs.
Hindi lahat ng tao may matatawagan at makakausap ng madaling araw hanggang tumaas pa ang araw.
Hindi lahat ng tao madaling makaakbay ng kaibigan para sabihing mahal nila ito.
At hindi lahat ng tao ay nakakakilala sa natatanging Kaibigan natin na hinding hindi napapawi ang pagmamahal...naks.
Looking at the brighter side ika nga. Parang appendectomy ng isang naghihingalong pasyente. Masakit talaga. Siyempre naoperahan. Pero hindi dapat siya nakatuon at iiyak na lamang sa kirot na dulot ng operasyon. Dapat pa nga siyang magdiwang at magbuntung-hininga sa katotohanan na hahaba pa ang buhay niya.
Seeing loss as a gain, sabi sa nabasa ko.
But nevertheless...Para ito sa mga nilalang na nararamdaman kong unti-unti ko nang dapat pakawalan. Yung isa in particular na nagpadala ng video message...salamat. Alam kong hindi ka naman nakakalimot...sana nga talaga mahal mo pa ako kahit matagal na tayong hindi nag-uusap...
Dun sa isa...I'm no David Cook fan (but I do know you are, hehehe). I don't know if you will even come to read this, but just the same...I'm singing it for you.
...
Smiles, my loves...I'll find you again...
You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't you recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you
You say you're leaving
As you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Take your time I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you
Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you, I can't save you
It's something you have to do
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
...
After all, loving isn't always about holding on...but letting go...
Sige kayod!!!!
It's 1:55 am, Saturday May 30, 2009.
I am now here in Lorenz's place in Cubao with Jam, Jayson, Tadz. We've been reviewing to the wee hours of the morns, bonding, eating and discussing in between for the past three days.
It's been fun. Reviewing with these people has been quite an experience for me. Spending time with them has been so enriching. They have given me a lot to think about. And yes, they made me laugh a lot recently, and I know how much I'm in need of that. Mas nakilala ko din sila in the process. Each of them has given me a food for thought...and much inspiration which I care to keep in my heart.
Hahahaha.
Nakakapagtakang mama allowed me to be here...I'd have to remind myself to text her to thank her before I sleep later.
At ayan umaga na at maingay pa rin dito. Hindi naman futile ang efforts...seryoso ang mga tao ah. The boards isn't so far away nga naman kasi...we have to get ready, aw yeah! Konti na lang. Hahaha.
Then after that is the unsettling time of waiting...for the results. Sleep would be a really hard challenge for most of us, I'm very sure, hehehe.
Meanwhile, Im happy na rin na for a secondary gain, I'm enjoying my respite here...away from home where I can think straight and just take my time to untwist my thoughts? Hahahaha. Delirium tremens, hahahaha...yun na yun. God has been very very merciful to me. (Rev. 3:19)
C'est la vie.
"The Lord, the Lord...the compassionate and gracious God...slow to anger, abounding in love
and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished..."
Good morning. ^^
Oh it feels great to sin.
NOTE: READ FROM START TO END.
Oh it feels great to sin.
For natural God-haters like all of us (and I mean all of humanity) who crave for what feels good now...Oh how true.
We are salesmen who flourish in our trade by belittling significant points and exaggerating half-truths and untruths.
We are big-time businessmen who make our own brand of lies in order to preserve ourselves and move up in the status ladder of power.
We are mainstay prostitutes who depreciate the fastest as we willfully put a price tag on purity and commit self-exploitation.
We are high-paid models who represent the league of modern whitewashed tombs, spending so much frustration improving our physical image...and almost no concern for what's within.
We are bards who compose wonderfully and sing magnificently what we do not dare to be.
The world is a commonplace for the likes of us who enjoy sin.
...
Yes my darling, it feels great to sin.
Too bad the consequences are too hard to take in.
And once the door is opened and the games begin,
It's hard to get off the downward spin.
Sin eats at you...chomps down on your being...
Light becomes dark...the mornings become bleak...
Life turns gray...time passes as a blur...
As you sin, you realize its temporal joys...
Wreaks havoc in you and others as well...
And who likes to stay with one who sins?
Who craves, who threatens, who loses control?
Whose hands build misery and extinguish goodwill?
In the end you'll be left alone by all but sin...
And what's left of you knows life holds no meaning...
You've got no friend...
Well, you've still got sin...
But when sin is your friend it just turns on you...
And takes all of you until there's none of you left...
You'll be floated adrift as a empty shell...
Defeated in a war that's often been told of...
Who is to blame?
Who played the game?
You know...you know...
Now you know...
Sin isn't such a great thing after all.
And you know past this, life's never the same.
You've seen for yourself- this world holds in
Mere cheap thrills and timed satisfaction.
Measurable gains which soon turn to losses.
This world brings misery, and nothing less.
But hold the death wish, it's not the end,
There is more to life...and much more beyond...
Beyond where happiness...does not have to end.
He who gives life ensures us of this
His gifts for the faithful we can't simply miss!
So in seeking for true happiness yet unseen,
Better seek the Lord with your all and win!
Oh it feels great to sin.
For natural God-haters like all of us (and I mean all of humanity) who crave for what feels good now...Oh how true.
We are salesmen who flourish in our trade by belittling significant points and exaggerating half-truths and untruths.
We are big-time businessmen who make our own brand of lies in order to preserve ourselves and move up in the status ladder of power.
We are mainstay prostitutes who depreciate the fastest as we willfully put a price tag on purity and commit self-exploitation.
We are high-paid models who represent the league of modern whitewashed tombs, spending so much frustration improving our physical image...and almost no concern for what's within.
We are bards who compose wonderfully and sing magnificently what we do not dare to be.
The world is a commonplace for the likes of us who enjoy sin.
...
Yes my darling, it feels great to sin.
Too bad the consequences are too hard to take in.
And once the door is opened and the games begin,
It's hard to get off the downward spin.
Sin eats at you...chomps down on your being...
Light becomes dark...the mornings become bleak...
Life turns gray...time passes as a blur...
As you sin, you realize its temporal joys...
Wreaks havoc in you and others as well...
And who likes to stay with one who sins?
Who craves, who threatens, who loses control?
Whose hands build misery and extinguish goodwill?
In the end you'll be left alone by all but sin...
And what's left of you knows life holds no meaning...
You've got no friend...
Well, you've still got sin...
But when sin is your friend it just turns on you...
And takes all of you until there's none of you left...
You'll be floated adrift as a empty shell...
Defeated in a war that's often been told of...
Who is to blame?
Who played the game?
You know...you know...
Now you know...
Sin isn't such a great thing after all.
And you know past this, life's never the same.
You've seen for yourself- this world holds in
Mere cheap thrills and timed satisfaction.
Measurable gains which soon turn to losses.
This world brings misery, and nothing less.
But hold the death wish, it's not the end,
There is more to life...and much more beyond...
Beyond where happiness...does not have to end.
He who gives life ensures us of this
His gifts for the faithful we can't simply miss!
So in seeking for true happiness yet unseen,
Better seek the Lord with your all and win!
Anni's session of understanding 101- post script
Wait, hold on...just another thought-
Maybe some minds are just too young to understand complicated things. That's why...and I have no right whatsoever to force anyone to outgrow their level of thinking.
But as much as a baby soon needs to be weaned from his or her mother's milk in order to grow further, we need to go beyond concrete concepts and enable ourselves to fathom abstracts so that we might grow wiser.
And like everything else, it's a choice whether we seek to fulfill this and realize our fullest potential to grasp the seemingly unfathomable.
Or not. Hehehe.
But the fact that I am in no position to force anyone still stands, however things look for me.
Maybe some minds are just too young to understand complicated things. That's why...and I have no right whatsoever to force anyone to outgrow their level of thinking.
But as much as a baby soon needs to be weaned from his or her mother's milk in order to grow further, we need to go beyond concrete concepts and enable ourselves to fathom abstracts so that we might grow wiser.
And like everything else, it's a choice whether we seek to fulfill this and realize our fullest potential to grasp the seemingly unfathomable.
Or not. Hehehe.
But the fact that I am in no position to force anyone still stands, however things look for me.
Anni's session of understanding 101
I guess it's just disappointing that when you expect to be understood most by the people closest to you...well, you are hit by reality that...they really don't. They just think they do, on the surface, yes but...in the depths, they really don't get it.
And another sad thing to consider is that you don't have the right to demand sincere understanding from the heart, which is only out of genuine love.
In simple terms, deciding to love someone entrails the desire to really analyze and understand how a person of interest feels and thinks about certain issues and events...how high, how low, how distorted...how damaged.
To state it negatively, if a person does not find time or give a lot of attention to understanding how you feel...then maybe that person does not really love you enough...or love you at all...isn't that it?
Well it does involve a lot of effort, energy...attention. And a lot of self-giving?
Submission to internalizing a belief that you are alien to- or even against. Maybe that's what makes it so hard to do...is it?
Nevermind that...
...
I'd say I'm a complicated person. But speaking for myself, it's not so hard to get through..or even destroy parts of that complication of me. Either you listen willfully, or get into my shoes and try to feel the way I feel in a certain situation.
I really can't demand anything here...I just want to be understood...hopefully by those whom I see dearest to me. That's all.
Well, that's something to think about. And thankfully I dumped it here before I went off again with a brokenness that no one can probably get to in time...hahaha.
"One man's antidote is another man's poison."
Good night...
And another sad thing to consider is that you don't have the right to demand sincere understanding from the heart, which is only out of genuine love.
In simple terms, deciding to love someone entrails the desire to really analyze and understand how a person of interest feels and thinks about certain issues and events...how high, how low, how distorted...how damaged.
To state it negatively, if a person does not find time or give a lot of attention to understanding how you feel...then maybe that person does not really love you enough...or love you at all...isn't that it?
Well it does involve a lot of effort, energy...attention. And a lot of self-giving?
Submission to internalizing a belief that you are alien to- or even against. Maybe that's what makes it so hard to do...is it?
Nevermind that...
...
I'd say I'm a complicated person. But speaking for myself, it's not so hard to get through..or even destroy parts of that complication of me. Either you listen willfully, or get into my shoes and try to feel the way I feel in a certain situation.
I really can't demand anything here...I just want to be understood...hopefully by those whom I see dearest to me. That's all.
Well, that's something to think about. And thankfully I dumped it here before I went off again with a brokenness that no one can probably get to in time...hahaha.
"One man's antidote is another man's poison."
Good night...
Putting the dragon to rest
Just graduated five hours ago! Hahahaha!
Really happy...nostalgic...happy...sad. Happy kasi it's over. Nostalgic kasi I remember the fun memories of being in the ward with my colorful RLE 2. Happy then again because I'm more of (though not all) of myself again, in time for my marching. Sad because I am reminded that I should stop lagging (and having AWOL) and grow all the way to my appropriate age and mental level of a young adult working for the Lord.
I shall put the dragon in me to sleep again...lest it cause another great deal of disappointment and emotional turmoil on my part.
Really happy...nostalgic...happy...sad. Happy kasi it's over. Nostalgic kasi I remember the fun memories of being in the ward with my colorful RLE 2. Happy then again because I'm more of (though not all) of myself again, in time for my marching. Sad because I am reminded that I should stop lagging (and having AWOL) and grow all the way to my appropriate age and mental level of a young adult working for the Lord.
I shall put the dragon in me to sleep again...lest it cause another great deal of disappointment and emotional turmoil on my part.
No one can possibly fathom...
Read at your own risk. Leave a mark if you do.
Sunday:
I'm going to school for my review now. And why not...hahahaha. At nako, antoks na naman ang abot ko nito. Meanwhile, I woke up feeling sick with a headache...with 50 new messages in my phone which made me feel more sick...I'm feeling epigastric pain graded 5/10 upon standing, but relieved to almost 0/10 upon lying supine or prone.
Despite all this I drink about 250cc of pulpy orange juice from the fridge for breakfast. Crabby cure for the crazy crabby gal. *shivers with relief*
....
No one can possibly fathom the depths of my loneliness now. I am at the edge of my sanity, slipping off slowly with gravity like fine shifting sands in an egg timer. While I sit here taking every painful hit of circumstances and relishing the masochism in me, I feel that I am actually my own dementor, sucking out all the happiness in me. I am nothing but an empty shell now, wearing a carefree disposition, painted beautifully like an easter egg in the exterior, but inside...yes I know, I am bound to crack with such a vulnerability. Should I stay here and feel the pain as watch me die slowly? Or should I just accept the challenges of everyday living and anesthesize myself...while hemorrhaging to death? As a result of this confusion, I laugh. I cry. I laugh. I cry. What is happening? I don't know. It's even possible that I am fated to live alone, that no one can possibly bear living with me. It's possible that I am condemned to be my own best friend, and no one else's inspiration, no one else's useful teacher, no one else's pleasure, no one else's business...no one else's love, no one else's friend...above all this, I don't know. All I now is that no one can possibly fathom...
...
Sunday:
I'm going to school for my review now. And why not...hahahaha. At nako, antoks na naman ang abot ko nito. Meanwhile, I woke up feeling sick with a headache...with 50 new messages in my phone which made me feel more sick...I'm feeling epigastric pain graded 5/10 upon standing, but relieved to almost 0/10 upon lying supine or prone.
Despite all this I drink about 250cc of pulpy orange juice from the fridge for breakfast. Crabby cure for the crazy crabby gal. *shivers with relief*
....
No one can possibly fathom the depths of my loneliness now. I am at the edge of my sanity, slipping off slowly with gravity like fine shifting sands in an egg timer. While I sit here taking every painful hit of circumstances and relishing the masochism in me, I feel that I am actually my own dementor, sucking out all the happiness in me. I am nothing but an empty shell now, wearing a carefree disposition, painted beautifully like an easter egg in the exterior, but inside...yes I know, I am bound to crack with such a vulnerability. Should I stay here and feel the pain as watch me die slowly? Or should I just accept the challenges of everyday living and anesthesize myself...while hemorrhaging to death? As a result of this confusion, I laugh. I cry. I laugh. I cry. What is happening? I don't know. It's even possible that I am fated to live alone, that no one can possibly bear living with me. It's possible that I am condemned to be my own best friend, and no one else's inspiration, no one else's useful teacher, no one else's pleasure, no one else's business...no one else's love, no one else's friend...above all this, I don't know. All I now is that no one can possibly fathom...
...
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