Lashing Out Against The Wannabe

I felt severely disappointed after reading this book. Don't read it! I can't believe that the Sheldon family opted to have Bagshawe write out a wannabe 'sequel' to Sheldon's magnificent tale of Master of The Game! The Jamie McGregor-Kate Blackwell era woven craftily by The Master of Suspense (God bless his soul) has been  tainted by this so-called follow-thorugh 'saga' with Lexi, Max, Robbie and Gabe. Fine, fine I want to have a heart and see through the amateur scribble...but come on! It's a desperate attempt- sensing from all that ugly controversey, that gruesome, distasteful choice of concept that will leave you wincing, I'd say she tried too hard to make a twisted tale here! Yes, twisted, that's it! Sidney Sheldon had a lot more heart! I expected more from an actual femme, tsk tsk... And I expected more from the writer as the penholder, having been given a beautiful base to work on. It's a Sheldon tale you're writing over, if you didn't notice! I know, I know...the Kurger-Brent curse worked through the Blackwells like a slow poison and their story is bound to end in tragedy with the eligible heirs. But NOT like this! Not this SICK! This book is almost an insult, a mere exploitation of the Sheldon name. Ugh. Can't expect me to be too kind with this, as I am speaking as a critic... Up yours, Tilly. Try harder.

The Words Unsaid

I woke up again and again at around four to five this morning from dreams tinted with gray...disappointments of not so long ago. I wish I'm saying this as a metaphor, but it's more than that. When I dream, it's always full of color, but at this rare instance...it's all shaded gray.

I dreamt that I was back in my old school where I had spent four years of my college life. It should not have been so much to think of, except that I kept seeing that person I've been trying to put aside in my thoughts and in my life. It hurt to see him happy and daring me to say something. It seemed so real then...I felt sad as I pretended not to care, walking away from him. But it tore me apart to think how he could be so comfortable with hurting me...breaking me... I gave him no less than the best that I've got, and yet...

When I woke up at around 530 in the morning, mixed thoughts churned through my system...my every nerve initially wanted to scream ENOUGH! and push the black-handled kitchen knife deep into my chambers and up over my carotid arteries to conclude it all. The emotions were raw enough then to drive me that mad... But then as I took the time to breathe and calm myself down in the silence of my room at the break of dawn...I found my senses. I decided to get my Bible and journal, propped these heavy things on my 17 year-old mattress like my weighing heart and got down to writing. In my loose thoughts (and screws), I began to write with my more friendly .3 G-tech...

"Unwell-

Lord, I woke up from a dream of him again. When does it stop? I feel tortured...mentally and emotionally drained with these momentary glimpses of my past that so degrades and hurts me all the more. I know it's all the consequence of disobedience...I am praying for your wisdom and mercy that  may get through this alive. There are still times that I want to end this in a shortcut. But I know that's another idea that's apart from your will. So I won't. God, give me strength to withstand the odds. You're mighty and I'm in need of that might. Nahihirapan pa rin ako. I want to forget...but how? I want to trust you to resolve everything..."

After some more intimate and intense God-talks, I paused to read:

(Extracted from Proverbs 1):

(1:7) The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

(1:19) Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it.

This made me really sad-

(1:23-28) If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock you when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me.

Naisip ko lang...maybe 2 factors which contributed to the generation of this dream is that I haven't been keeping my guard up and nourishing myself with the Word. Kulang ang supply, kaya dapat dagdagan. Also, I was disappointed over someone whom I was counting on to reply through text, but then didn't come through...made me feel that perhaps they're all the same and that he's no different. Or maybe he didn't receive my text, was too busy in wooing his woman, or maybe work, or watching that movie...I don't know...*shrug*

Before I knew it, I fell asleep again, just as the sky was turning to a cool shade of blue...

11/29/09

If letting go of my hold
is your one heart's means
To embrace true happiness
beyond what is,
Then who am I
to deny you the chance?
All the choice is yours-
as my love is- in this dance:

Kindled by a wish to still hold fast,
Empowered by the will to part at last,

...

Still I know I'll let go in the final song
Then in my dreams and tomorrow, you'll be gone, so long...

Run free, my heart, my love, my soul.
Unfurl your being that yearns to be whole,
Endear your reality to the fullness of your bidding,
Lose yourself in aspiration...and if you must...

Lose me.

Over mirthful times and glorious heights,
Veil the love that's meant to let you be...

Everything you want...

...yes, you are free.

Lord, we need to talk...

(11.30.09)
Lord, I just need to talk with you. See, I have this problem I can't seem to get out of my head. It seems like I'm handling it solo again as before...but I don't want that, knowing I'm really nothing without you. So what do I do? You know more than anyone how my heart's been badly broken this month...and though in reality it's just a month, to me it's like a decade of suffering. I know about bearing the consequences of following my own folly and just getting up past the torture...but you know how this feels like more than I can bear, and I don't know why...even after having said, "I'm over it!" like twice or thrice I think...I never really do. I need you Lord to reveal to me...am I faking it? Do I not draw strength from you? I want to, my only chance to recover is you...I know you have every right to punish me for all that I've done...but even as a God of just anger, you are, as much, a God of mercy and forgiveness. Lord, I have asked for your forgiveness on this matter...I am asking for you forgiveness again if I have hidden faults I have not surrendered. I am sorry Lord...I want to stop hurting day by day...am I pushing you away in the process? Maybe to harden myself...I don't know. So let me know.