The Words Unsaid

I woke up again and again at around four to five this morning from dreams tinted with gray...disappointments of not so long ago. I wish I'm saying this as a metaphor, but it's more than that. When I dream, it's always full of color, but at this rare instance...it's all shaded gray.

I dreamt that I was back in my old school where I had spent four years of my college life. It should not have been so much to think of, except that I kept seeing that person I've been trying to put aside in my thoughts and in my life. It hurt to see him happy and daring me to say something. It seemed so real then...I felt sad as I pretended not to care, walking away from him. But it tore me apart to think how he could be so comfortable with hurting me...breaking me... I gave him no less than the best that I've got, and yet...

When I woke up at around 530 in the morning, mixed thoughts churned through my system...my every nerve initially wanted to scream ENOUGH! and push the black-handled kitchen knife deep into my chambers and up over my carotid arteries to conclude it all. The emotions were raw enough then to drive me that mad... But then as I took the time to breathe and calm myself down in the silence of my room at the break of dawn...I found my senses. I decided to get my Bible and journal, propped these heavy things on my 17 year-old mattress like my weighing heart and got down to writing. In my loose thoughts (and screws), I began to write with my more friendly .3 G-tech...

"Unwell-

Lord, I woke up from a dream of him again. When does it stop? I feel tortured...mentally and emotionally drained with these momentary glimpses of my past that so degrades and hurts me all the more. I know it's all the consequence of disobedience...I am praying for your wisdom and mercy that  may get through this alive. There are still times that I want to end this in a shortcut. But I know that's another idea that's apart from your will. So I won't. God, give me strength to withstand the odds. You're mighty and I'm in need of that might. Nahihirapan pa rin ako. I want to forget...but how? I want to trust you to resolve everything..."

After some more intimate and intense God-talks, I paused to read:

(Extracted from Proverbs 1):

(1:7) The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

(1:19) Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it.

This made me really sad-

(1:23-28) If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock you when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me.

Naisip ko lang...maybe 2 factors which contributed to the generation of this dream is that I haven't been keeping my guard up and nourishing myself with the Word. Kulang ang supply, kaya dapat dagdagan. Also, I was disappointed over someone whom I was counting on to reply through text, but then didn't come through...made me feel that perhaps they're all the same and that he's no different. Or maybe he didn't receive my text, was too busy in wooing his woman, or maybe work, or watching that movie...I don't know...*shrug*

Before I knew it, I fell asleep again, just as the sky was turning to a cool shade of blue...